Child is a Transsexual

[AKAMichelle]

We just learned that my youngest child wants to transition into a girl. This came as a really big surprise and shock. Being TG myself I never saw the signs. I came out to my family 4-5 years ago now about me. It caused my youngest child confusion because they weren't like me. But my telling the family about me did help my child bring it all up when they chose to let me know first.

My ex-wife knows now and tomorrow my other children will find out. My child has written a beautiful letter letting them know and my ex-wife and her new husband are going to help them understand. My kids will also be finding out the reason why my youngest will be moving back out to Colorado to transition. I have some really mixed feelings because I know what is involved and I don't want my kid to go through everything. But I also don't want my child to be one of those people stuck in limbo because of money so I will be paying for whatever is necessary for them.

Now we come to the areas where I don't know the next steps. I don't know whether or not my other 2 boys will want to move back out here to be with their other sibling. Should I insist that they don't or allow them to come out here? How do I help them deal with the changes that are coming from my child?

After my child gets out here we will start with a good therapist that I have found and the proper help needed. It will be tough for me because I don't want them to go through the whole thing. I wish there was another way, but I don't think that anything will work short of full transition. So I have do everything I can to help them find peace even if it means surgery and everything else.

[Angela Campbell]

Will - or do the other children know the youngest is asking to be a girl? If the child does they will eventually know either way. If they want to live together with the youngest why would you advise them not to? Family is family, if they want to be together then why not?

I think some time with a really good child gender specialist is going to be important. You probably already know this is not something to take lightly and the younger these issues are dealt with the healthier this child will be. It is also a good idea for all the other children to meet with a good psychologist to help them sort out all these issues with their sibling and Father.

Good luck to you, I think you are doing the right thing. I understand not wanting a child to go through "the whole thing" but if this child is a transsexual it is much worse to grow up with these issues not addressed. I can tell you that from experience. If the child is not TS then getting the help to sort it out is just as important.

[AKAMichelle]

My other kids will find out tomorrow evening. I wish I could be there but I live 1200 miles away and can't. I don't want my child to live in limbo. I searched for answers because I had allowed myself to stay there for many years. In the end I found a way to accept and deal with everything that didn't involve transitioning. I don't feel like that is the solution for my child. So now I have to help them find their way here in Colorado. Everyone had moved back to Tennessee and that state is terrible for transitioning. I want my child to deal with this in an area where they can be accepted. It will be still tough for them, but with some of my contacts out here my child will benefit from that.

[kimdl93]

I guess I would leave it up to the other kids. If they want to move back to support their sibling, then that seems pretty great.

[AllieSF]

Someone else used this phrase recently in their own thread. SO, "Surprise, surprise!", as Gomer Pyle would say sometimes. Who would have ever thought that lighting could ever strike twice so close to home. Fortunately, you are much better prepared to deal with this in a supporting and constructive way than most families. I wish you the best and am really curious about how you have been doing in your long recent absence.

[Barbara Ella]

Michelle, your child is very lucky to have you as a parent as they go through this extremely tough period. It is a difficult decision to make, whether to separate siblings or not. I cannot know the dynamic between your now daughter and her brothers to know if the special attention she will need will cause more tension if together. They will have to be completely honest with you, as you have been with them. We all want the best for our children, and I know they will appreciate it.

I wish you and yours the best of luck.

Barbara

[suchacutie]

The thought struck me that any other child living with your youngest might benefit from some time with the therapist. It could be viewed as support but could be good for any number of reasons.

[kellycan27]

I am going to play devils advocate here... How old is this child and could it be possible that you ( or he) has mistaken his desire to transition for a desire to emulate ( and be more like) his dad? You said that you have been out to the family for 4-5 years so I am assuming that he's been witness to your being trans? I know that my 3 year old loves to emulate things that his daddy does. ????

[Angela Campbell]

What Kelly said is the reason to have a good child therapist meet with this child. It may be a real thing, but you do not rush into something like this. Make sure.

[mikiSJ]

I think I am with Kelly on this. Also, I would let the family sort it our on their own.

[AKAMichelle]

I don't think it is to emulate me. In fact I haven't been dressing for about 3 years I guess.

The letter that my child gave me referred back to figuring out some things at age 3. The letter even talked about committing suicide several times during his life because of these feelings. He didn't tell anybody but was preparing to move to Canada so they could proceed with their life. My child is 19 and the perfect age to deal with if they want to transition. They will get probably the best results possible by doing it now and not waiting.

I don't know 100% that my child needs to transition but if I had to bet then I would say yes from I know so far. They haven't seen a therapist yet but what I have told by them so far leads me to believe that this is the next steps in their life. So I moving them back out to Colorado from Tennessee because it will be so much easier out here. Tennessee is anti-TG is so many ways that it isn't even funny. Sounds like a very interesting journey is about to begin and we will see where it goes from here.

[Bea A]

I experienced this myself. My (now) son transitioned just after HS. He lived with mom out of state. I told him that it was his decision on who was told about it. We would not publicly broadcast it, but as people asked.. we would share his story. I told him people would react 1 of 3 ways. 1) no big deal 2) initial freak out and eventually no big deal 3) freak out and never get over it. We also shared that he shouldn't spend time trying to convince people how to react -

[kellycan27]

Thanks for clearing that up.. 19 is hardly a " child" but I do understand that he is "your" child. By the time I was 19 I'd been banished out of state and was for the most part... On my own.

[Marleena]

Michelle it is important she, yes she is a she from what you've told us, that she live with you. You'll be able to help her and get her the gender therapist she needs. She is at a turning point in her life. I think it's awesome you'll help her with this.:)

[ReineD]

My child is 19 and the perfect age to deal with if they want to transition.

I have a 19 year old son, an undergrad sophomore. He has absolutely no clue what it takes to live independently as an adult. I didn't either when I was that age, I never looked beyond what was happening in the next few months.

I think it's wonderful of you to support your child emotionally while she meanders through her decisions, but I would be careful to not impose on her what you wish now, that you might have done when you were 19. You and your child are two different people, living in two different worlds.

You also mentioned earlier paying for whatever your child might need. Does this include electrolysis, FFS (possibly), and SRS? Or is it providing her with the funds needed to seek therapy while she figures this out?

I don't know about your child, but my son thinks that money grows on trees and he is not as careful with his decisions as he will be when he is spending his own hard-earned cash.

[AKAMichelle]

There will have to be some payment by them for the transition. I am not going to turn my back but I also don't need to make it too easy so that my child makes a mistake. This is very early in the process and might change a 1000 times before we are done.

Regardless of where we end up I want my child to make the right choice. I have a lot of mixed feelings and I have to say that I hope they never transition. I say that because I know how it is and I don't wish that journey on anybody.

Right now I have gone only so far in the list of what I will do.
1) Move them out to Colorado
2) Pay for a therapist

Past that I haven't gone. I have a lot of questions because I don't want him to make a mistake.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Michelle, you have said a few times that you hope your daughter does not transition. Whilst I undertsand that you would want to spare her the trauma that can accompany transition - especially later in life like yours or mine - I am also sure that you want the very best for her.

Transitioning at 19 is very different to transitioning at say 40ish - both from the point of view of peer reaction and from the point of view of having far less damage from the testosterone poisoning to undo.

I think that your approach of finding her the best therapist you can will pay dividends as she will hopefully be able to prepare herself for a very successful transition.

[ReineD]

I wish you all the best Michelle! Sounds like you're doing the best that you can possibly do!

:hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

I finally talked with the brothers today and they are staying in Tennessee. Both of them are doing ok. My middle is kind of resentful since he wanted his dad to move back to Tennessee and that won't be happening for awhile.

For the most part we will manage. We will find a way to deal with everything by sticking to the 2 step plan. I don't know what will happen after those 2 steps but we will add steps as we see fit.