Okay, I accept myself now what...

[Sonya]

Over the years as my age is fast approaching 40, I do realise the importance of accepting yourself for who you are to have any chance of a fulfilling and peaceful life. I really crave to be in peace with myself.

I know that I am a man who likes to cross dress, I tried to stop and give it up but I can’t and do not want to. As the title says I accept this part of me and I am okay with it but I still feel like I am in a big closet and living a lie and not being honest to people that I really care about. After a long marriage, I am single and living alone and I love having the freedom and space. Recently I started to go out dressed and met others like me and it was great to be out and socializing with them.

Sometimes I just feel like telling everyone about myself and stop hiding from people that I love (friends and family). I am tired from hiding my shaved arms, chest and legs. I am tired from making sure I don’t leave anything lying around that might give me away in my house when people come to visit. I so worry about what they will think about me. Unfortunately most of the general public do not understand us.

I do not think I can live like this and be in peace with myself, I think it is doing a lot of damage to me. My big question to all the beautiful members here is this:

Is self acceptance possible if you do not or could not share this part of your life with people that you love??????

Am I making a big deal out of this?? Wouldn’t it be best if we come out to people we care about and communicate with them and make them realise that we are still the same person? This could be seen a sacrifice for a greater good, along the way we could lose some people we care about but maybe we could gain or strengthen some of our other relationships. In my case I don’t really want or intend to force this on anyone, for me dressing is casual and I really (truly) like my typical male appearance and I am still turned on by women. Just wondering are there anyone out here who thinks like me or anyone who thought like me and came out to all friends and family and what the results were?
Thanks for reading..

Love and respect to all..

[docrobbysherry]

I have begun coming out to close relatives recently. Because if u tell one, u sort of need to tell the other adult members. It's been a mixed bag.

The worst is the ones that don't say anything or don't ask any questions. No matter how much or little u tell them! I have no idea what some of mine r thinking or even if they r at all.

I would not recommend it to anyone unless they r planning on coming out. Or, r fairly sure they will be found out sooner or later. That was my main motivation.

[ArleneRaquel]

Coming out can indeed be a very mixed bag. My daughter has not spoken to me in years.

[Sonya]

I would not recommend it to anyone unless they r planning on coming out. Or, r fairly sure they will be found out sooner or later. That was my main motivation.

I commend you on your bravery to come out to your family and I hope it will work out good for you. The secrecy and feeing like I am lying to people I care about would be my real motivation of letting people know this part of me.


Coming out can indeed be a very mixed bag. My daughter has not spoken to me in years.

I have a young son, he lives 50% with me and i love him more than anything in my life. Whenever he comes to my house my other side disappears and everything gets packed away out of sight. I guess he is the main reason why I would be hesitant to come out; I can't stand him suffering because of my occasional desire to cd. Maybe it is just better to live this double life, I really don't know what to do, having a child changes everything.

I hope you can make amends with your daughter, so sorry to hear that.

[Tracii G]

Why do you have to tell anyone? You are a man that crossdresses no harm in that as we all know but can your friends handle it?
You can't know for certain how they will react and yes you will probably loose some friends or family members over it.Is that worth it to you?
IMO you aren't living a lie at all.
I have some close friends that know and some that don't I choose very carefully who I tell.
I don't hide femme items when people visit but then again I don't leave clothes lying around everywhere.LOL
Nail polish on the dresser, earrings a few ladies hats on top of the dresser mirror frame.Guy friends have used my bathroom and there is perfume,ladies hair products on the vanity.
A rack of hair clips and none of them have said a word.Deff a ladies bathroom to look at it.
None have said a word.In a way its me letting my girl side be seen without coming out and saying anything.
If they are curious and ask I would tell them.
Funny story a guy friend asked if I had any Q tips so I said left drawer below the sink.In there is my eyelash curler,mascara and eye liner he said thanks and thats it.

[Cheryl123]

Only a question you can decide, Sarah. The fact is many people do not accept us. You didn't mention whether the one's you care about include children or your parents. Revealing your CD life to them could cause great distress, especially to children. Good luck.

[Wildaboutheels]

You appear to feel guilty simply because you have NOT shared this with any of your Loved Ones? Do you want or NEED to share it is the real question. If you tell even one, the whole world will know. Few people can keep secrets. For long...

I hope you realize there are bound to be some who will simply not accept this part of you and your Relationship with them will irrecoverably change forever?

[Tracii G]

I think you need to weigh the situation and how it effects those around you and what the expectations or responsibilities you have towards them.
Lots of people just feel the need to tell with out thinking of the outcome.
I'm a really private person and don't share my personal life with many people.

[suzy1]

. Maybe it is just better to live this double life, I really don't know what to do, having a child changes everything.

.

I think sometimes this is the best answer Sarah.

I know there are a lot of members that would never agree with me but I too have a wonderful and loving family and I am not going to jeopardise that for anything!!!

Its no good being told by another member “you never know, they might be fine with it” because we know our own families better than they will ever know them.

[Tracii G]

Suzy has a point we don't know your friends and family.

[Sonya]

Why do you have to tell anyone? You are a man that crossdresses no harm in that as we all know but can your friends handle it?
You can't know for certain how they will react and yes you will probably loose some friends or family members over it.Is that worth it to you?

I have a problem with lying and not being honest. I understand that I can answer questions in certain ways without lying and disclosing that I am a cd (I am really not comfortable with labels but that’s another issue altogether). For example if someone asks me why I don’t have any hair in my body? My answers could be, because I don’t like body hair, I run long distances, feels cleaner ect which are all correct. But I think if anyone who know me and asks me straight out if I cross dress; I do not think I can lie about that. I know that most people are not honest, politicians lie, governments lie, big businesses lie so maybe I am making a big deal?

I totally agree with you about choosing who to tell carefully and that would be my starting point of as well. I am certainly not considering putting a facebook status to inform everyone about this part of me.

My other motivation of coming out to loved ones is also to take some of the pressure off from my ex wife. I still feel guilty about not telling her before marriage and on more than few occasions she told me that everyone is blaming her for not making the marriage work and if they knew about my cd most people will be on her side. I know deep down that I am a decent person and I have been respectful, hard working and devoted husband. Like I said I am just searching for peace within.


Only a question you can decide, Sarah. The fact is many people do not accept us. You didn't mention whether the one's you care about include children or your parents. Revealing your CD life to them could cause great distress, especially to children. Good luck.

My mother passed a year ago, and I am sure she would have had no problems with me and supported me whichever way. I am sure that my dad and most of my family would be fine with it. I am pretty sure that my ex wife’s family will have some problem with it. I am totally aware that some friends will be uneasy and will probably stop talking with me. My child is my biggest concern and hence I am leaning towards keeping this to myself that is unless I get outed by angry and hurt ex.



Its no good being told by another member “you never know, they might be fine with it” because we know our own families better than they will ever know them.

I realise everyone’s families and friends are unique, sure there will be a lot of similarities but I do realise that I have to make the best decision considering my situation. Thank you to all for the support and insights, much appreciated.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

In my situation my wife and I have tested the waters before telling anyone about Tiffany. Luckily most of my family has been accepting. The most important person is you yourself in the end. If you are happy and accepting of yourself everything tends to fall into place if you tell anyone else or not. Warmest regards

[Sonya]

You appear to feel guilty simply because you have NOT shared this with any of your Loved Ones? Do you want or NEED to share it is the real question.

yes you are right about the guilt part. Your second question is more intriguing, I think it is both wanting to tell and need to tell. I feel the need to tell people to make them understand that I am still the same person and I am not a threat to anyone, I just want people to understand this. I suppose there is always a price to pay, but yes the real question is "is it worth risking so much".

But if I don’t speak out and others like me don’t speak out what chance have we got of general public understanding us?? I mean someone who has never had any involvement with a cd will never visit this site to understand us.

[TeresaCD]

Is self acceptance possible if you do not or could not share this part of your life with people that you love??????
Love and respect to all..

Yes, I believe so. Groups like this certainly help that.
My wife knows, that's enough for me at this point.
I have one very close friend, but he's got enough going on without this
And teenage sons - same goes there, for now
But, I am as comfortable in my own skin as I've ever been.
And the journey of embracing the feminine in me has unlocked an amazing world, full of wonderful people..

[Erica Marie]

I know the feeling exactly. I wonder if there is a way I will ever find my inner peace or even figure out who I really am. I have attempted to come out a few times and it was ill recepted. I know people who love you will truly accept you for who you are but it is a very scary thing to do. I know I must come clean to my family in time to be able to be who I am. Hiding is no easier than coming out.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah, Be careful what you wish for it could backfire on you.

[Tina B.]

This type of thread always surprises me, I'm not out and have no plans for going out, but I don't hide very well either, I'm sure some must wonder about the thin brows, lack of sideburns, and the clear polish on my nails.
While no one ask, about the first two, I have been asked about the nails, I blow it off as a nail strengthener, which it is in a way, I have brittle nails and polish keeps them from splitting on the ends, and more fun than nail strengthener, beyond that I say nothing! Why should I ? I don't plan to go to my mothers house/brothers house or any other non CD's house dressed, I know of no reason that our paths will cross while I'm out shopping for myself, and I'm no they don't hang out in gay /or CD bars, and none of them have ever showed up at the gay pride parade, I'm sure none of them would change what they give me as gifts on holidays, couldn't even if the would, never going to see my style. So my point is, what's the point. Even if it makes you feel good because you where (honest) to people who probably didn't really want to know who gets anything out of it but you, what good does it do them, they still won't understand. Back in the late 60's early 70's there was a cartoon, called Fritz the cat The first X rated cartoon, to go main stream. In it there was a crow, that explains to the cat Fritz, who wants to know what it's like to be a crow (African American) "To know what it's like to be a crow, baby, you got to be a crow"
Well we are crows, but explain flight to a cat and he will never really understand.
So my question is if you not coming out full time, unless you know it will have a direct impact on another, what's the point?

[Lynn Marie]

One of the truly fabulous parts of being unattached and living alone is the freedom to dress however, whenever, and wherever you like. You've already made CD girlfriends and I assume you will continue getting out and making more. I've done the same thing and little by little my CD girlfriends began to be more important and outnumber my unknowing friends. "More important" is the key phrase here. It frees you from having to hide from an entire category of people in your life! Very cool, that only leaves family. As far as I can tell, this part is the crap shoot. Good luck, dear.

[Jenniferathome]

...

Is self acceptance possible if you do not or could not share this part of your life with people that you love??????

Am I making a big deal out of this?? ..

The answers are yes and yes. I think that other than my wife, that the people in one's life have not have agreed to share every detail of your or their lives. We all have many people around us, but we do not know their every secret. And we don't need to. We reserve that for the one we commit to. The one.

As for hiding your arms and legs, why hide them? Mine have been shaved for two plus years and I wear shorts and t-shirts all the time. No one cares. And the one or two who have asked give it a second thought after I tell them, "yes, I do shave them."

Now, would it be easier to be out? Yes, in some ways but it would complicate in others.

[Sonya]

So my question is if you not coming out full time, unless you know it will have a direct impact on another, what's the point?

Wow, I think I am trying to be too idealistic and optimistic. Judging by most of the posts to my thread, it seems like coming out to loved ones other than your so is not a very good idea unless you are thinking of transitioning.



The answers are yes and yes. I think that other than my wife, that the people in one's life have not have agreed to share every detail of your or their lives. We all have many people around us, but we do not know their every secret. And we don't need to. We reserve that for the one we commit to. The one.


Okay very good point and I agree, people do not share their secrets with me so why should I. I get the sense that members here maybe think that I am actually being selfish by thinking of coming out to loved ones. Maybe subconsciously I am thinking of doing this for my own gain and this thread help me to realise this.

[ninadiva]

I think I am very much in the same place as you Sarah and have been juggling these things myself. I have learnt something from your post and subsequent replies. For example I do not know many intimate details about my parents or siblings, so why would they want to know these things about me. What secrets they could be hiding ? Who knows ? I would not want to know. Yes I would like to go out in the real world as Nina, but with like minded people. I have come to the conclusion that it would not be with people who I am close to. It would embarrass them and me. So for me there is no point at this already difficult stage in my life.

[Beverley Sims]

You do have to test the waters of acceptance, sometimes it is best left unsaid.
Get on with this side of your life in private.

[MysticLady]

My other motivation of coming out to loved ones is also to take some of the pressure off from my ex wife. I still feel guilty about not telling her before marriage and on more than few occasions she told me that everyone is blaming her for not making the marriage work and if they knew about my cd most people will be on her side. I know deep down that I am a decent person and I have been respectful, hard working and devoted husband. Like I said I am just searching for peace within.


You are a good man. You still love your wife, I suspect. You want too take the heat of your wife and transfer it on too you. Your wife sounds like mine. They just don't want too understand this. Regarding coming out to loved ones, You fulfilled your commitment to telling others that are important, you told your wife. Don't feel that you need to tell anybody else. You don't. Do you worry about telling everybody that you are compassionate, loving, trustworthy, giving of yourself? Of course not, they see that for themselves. Others will see of you what really matters. Embrace this as you would your other qualities and you shall have the peace that you desire.



My child is my biggest concern and hence I am leaning towards keeping this to myself that is unless I get outed by angry and hurt ex.


Don't worry about the kiddo, your kiddo is there to serve you. He does not need to know this about you. Just love them like this "fog" didn't exist.



But if I don’t speak out and others like me don’t speak out what chance have we got of general public understanding us?? I mean someone who has never had any involvement with a cd will never visit this site to understand us.

Don't take on yourself that you will be the one to move this "phenomenon" into public acceptance, someone has that already laid out. Stop trying to take the reins.


Wow, I think I am trying to be too idealistic and optimistic. Judging by most of the posts to my thread, it seems like coming out to loved ones other than your so is not a very good idea unless you are thinking of transitioning.


Agreed. If your thinking of transitioning, then this would be slow process to let everyone know. But, you need to make sure that this is what you really want before doing so. :hugs:

[Chickhe]

It can be hard to deal with. In my case, I do Halloween so there is less shock factor should anyone see me, but there is the self and then their is the world. Its not a perfect solution, but as well as the self acceptance, I think you also need to be practical and not hide too much, but also not broadcast and also at the same time be able to shrug off any situation as...'I thought you knew' and to be non-emotional and calm and collected...if you do get discovered. For anyone living in your home, I think you have to at least let them know a little bit...that's why I did Halloween. For me though, its not a lifestyle change I want so I limit that part of my life from others. And it doesn't bother me, its just the way it is, I have some private parts of my life I prefer to not share.

[Sabrina133]

Sarah,

As you can see, everyone has their own perspective depending on their own experiences. I think the fact that you accept yourself is a giant leap forward. As to the need to tell anyone -- why? I realize you say because you dont like to lie. I admire that greatly - its a critical aspect of trust.

Having said all that, no one really has any "right" to know unless you are talking about a partner/wife/husband/SO. As many have previously stated, its not fair to bring an SO into a relationship in which CDing could adversly affect your future together.

You talked about your son and how you put away your things when he comes by to visit. Is keeping sarah away while he visits something you can manage? If he doesn't ask, does he really need to know?

I did come out to my family when i decided to go full-time after I left the Army. I did so with mixed results. My mom accepted me fully from day one, as did my older sister. My father didn't speak to me for over a year. We've since reconciled and are now close - again. My younger sister hasn't spoken to me in 6 years. Such a reaction is a risk we all take when we decide to come out.

Whichever you choose, i wish you the best of luck.

[Jane G]

I have to disagree with several of the post in this thread, that imply that if you tell one family member the world will soon know.

My close family wife, children have all seen me dressed. My sisters aunt's and I'm certain most of my cousin’s, all of whom are female, know that I cross dress. But I am also quite sure that not a single work colleague has the slightest inkling. In one former job I was security vetted, yet despite interviewing close friends, who also knew at the time, nothing came out. (It did cause me much stress at the time though & I was glad to leave that post) . I think what I’m trying to say here is that family and friends won't automatically tell the world. Especially the female ones, in my experience.

I do except that they could though, so take care.

[carhill2mn]

Yes, you certainly can "accept" yourself without coming out to everybody. You just need to decide how you will handle the "other" part of your life.

For one thing, you do not really need to hide shaved arms, legs, etc. Gradual changes will likely not be noticed or, if they
are, most people will not say anything. If someone does comment you can respond that you just prefer it that way without going into a detailed explanation.

"Accepting" brings you peace of mind.

[kimdl93]

It's really just a matter of weighing out who might need to know and who you can trust. Like others here I've come out a bit more with each passing year, but I feel no need to broadcast the information. Family members, neighbors who are likely to meet me on the sidewalk or at the grocery, a few select friends and work associates have been introduced to this part of me. So far it's been fine and really quite liberating.

[GBJoker]

I do not know if I can answer the question. I have no one to share anything with. I believe very strongly that I've accepted myself, but there are people on this site who would argue that. So... I dunno.

[Sonya]

You are a good man. You still love your wife, I suspect.

Actually I don’t love my wife anymore, a lot has been said and done through the years to dimish that. But I do not hate her as well and I am trying very hard not to get in to any conflict with her. We both understand that we will always be our child’s parents and for his well being we are both trying not to fight and be civil and respectful to each other. I believe that cd was just one of the many reasons of our separation.


Don't take on yourself that you will be the one to move this "phenomenon" into public acceptance, someone has that already laid out. Stop trying to take the reins.

This makes me sad that most here feel that we are powerless to make any change, I understand the reality of thesituation but still can not help myself to feel this way. Maybe the importance of public acceptance and what could be done about it could be discussed in another thread.


Agreed. If your thinking of transitioning, then this would be slow process to let everyone know. But, you need to make sure that this is what you really want before doing so. :hugs:

Agreed, like I said before I have no intention of transitioning


I have learnt something from your post and subsequent replies

I am so glad. You can really appreciate the importance of this forum when you can relate to peoples posts and learn something about yourself. I had a lot of moments like these, especially in this thread and I thank everyone for their input.


It's really just a matter of weighing out who might need to know and who you can trust

When I first started this thread, I thought if I told one person then I would have to tell everyone else or had the idea that eventually everyone will find out. As I got more replies, I realised that it okay for me to keep this part of me private and I am under no obligation to tell anyone

[Polly R]

Over the years as my age is fast approaching 40, I do realise the importance of accepting yourself for who you are to have any chance of a fulfilling and peaceful life. I really crave to be in peace with myself.

I know that I am a man who likes to cross dress, I tried to stop and give it up but I can’t and do not want to. As the title says I accept this part of me and I am okay with it but I still feel like I am in a big closet and living a lie and not being honest to people that I really care about. After a long marriage, I am single and living alone and I love having the freedom and space. Recently I started to go out dressed and met others like me and it was great to be out and socializing with them.

Sometimes I just feel like telling everyone about myself and stop hiding from people that I love (friends and family). I am tired from hiding my shaved arms, chest and legs. I am tired from making sure I don’t leave anything lying around that might give me away in my house when people come to visit. I so worry about what they will think about me. Unfortunately most of the general public do not understand us.

I do not think I can live like this and be in peace with myself, I think it is doing a lot of damage to me. My big question to all the beautiful members here is this:

Is self acceptance possible if you do not or could not share this part of your life with people that you love??????

Am I making a big deal out of this?? Wouldn’t it be best if we come out to people we care about and communicate with them and make them realise that we are still the same person? This could be seen a sacrifice for a greater good, along the way we could lose some people we care about but maybe we could gain or strengthen some of our other relationships. In my case I don’t really want or intend to force this on anyone, for me dressing is casual and I really (truly) like my typical male appearance and I am still turned on by women. Just wondering are there anyone out here who thinks like me or anyone who thought like me and came out to all friends and family and what the results were?
Thanks for reading..

Love and respect to all..

Sarah

It is possible but in my case it has taken more than 30yrs. I'm still not entirely convinced, sometimes I wonder just why I'm drawn to a female alta-ego and go for some time without dressing, other times the 'pink fog' sets in and I can't get enough... Luckily my SO is reasonably OK with it now (she's on this forum too) but we did have our 'moments' in the early days. I tried counselling in the late 1970's but the psycho wasn't really into any knowledge of CDing and it was a bit of a disaster.

The UK's Beaumont Society in the past and this forum now has helped immensely. Unfortunately, my local TG group is made up mostly of TS folk who do have definite points of view at variance with myself, and a couple of other pure CDers but at least it's somewhere safe to go every now and then when all dolled up.

Don't lose heart, I'm sure you WILL eventually find peace and acceptance within yourself. I think that you should try and share with any new lady that comes into your life as soon as possible or at least try and gauge the waters before you get in too deep and cause too much hurt.

xx Polly

[MysticLady]

Luckily my SO is reasonably OK with it now (she's on this forum too) but we did have our 'moments' in the early days.

OK.........you got wondering who the special Lady is.:thinking:



I tried counselling in the late 1970's but the psycho wasn't really into any knowledge of CDing and it was a bit of a disaster.


:laughing:.......That's sad, but it's funny......the psycho

[CherylFlint]

I wouldn’t broadcast the fact that you’re a CD.
My advice is to keep it to the one (or maybe it’s “one’s”) who need to know.
You said it yourself, you “accept yourself”.
End of story, don’t make a big deal about it.

[Candice Mae]

Okay, I accept myself now what...

Simple, just be yourself....

[Raychel]

So I have accepted myself and except for my wife who has
known for several years, I have been coming out to all the people that
are at my house, family and friends. and except for one of my sons friend
everyone has had the whatever opinion.

That one friend could not believe it and once he finally got it sunk into his head
that I certainly was not joking, this was real. He stopped coming around for a while.
And a while was a few weeks.
But he is back and nothing has really changed.
I am just me. conversation as normal. They still don't see me dressed.
But everyone knows, so if they do see me. it won't be the end of the world.

The only one that I still have to tell is my Father. That is a tough one. But I will tell him
and I will bet all will be cool there as well. (I hope)

So for me all has been great, but of course everyone experiences will be different.
But I truly feel that if you are a good person and treat people well, then they will accept you for the
person you are, no matter how you like to dress.

[rian]

Dear Sarah
What you said is true but the problem is that people have the tendency to misunderstand you and your life identity which you have worked so hard to accomplish as a person will crumble in seconds ....People up to this moment cannot accept you as a woman ,,,maybe some but most it is the environment that dictate the Identity ...For example I live in an environment where it is very dangerous to reveal such act ......Most of us will stay in closed doors .....for protection ...even from family ..