On a Journey

[lizbendalin]

I’ve been debating about posting anything for a while. But, I think my experiences might help at least one other person out there in internet land, so here goes (be patient, it sort of rambles around.)

I came to know I was ‘different’ when I was in my pre-teen years. By the time I was 9, I had discovered a term in my World Book Encyclopedia that I thought was me: transvestite. As I went through my early teen years I spent many a ‘sick day’ home from school playing in my mother’s closet. She never said anything, but I know she knew something was up.

Through the years I have journeyed from transvestite to crossdresser to bigender to transgender. As the years have passed I have spent several years in great conversations with therapists and others. One of the developments in recent years that I have truly appreciated is the greater awareness of gender being a spectrum rather than a binary system. The idea of gender being a spectrum has had a tremendous impact on my life.

I have been going to electrolysis once a month for over 3 years and a great deal of my above the chin line facial hair has been eliminated. A little over a year ago after long conversations with my therapist and my doctor I began to take dutasteride as a mild t-blocker (it’s specifically designed to help with enlarged prostate issues, and blocks the conversion of testosterone into DHT.) In the last year I have had much of my thinning hair on the top of my head thicken, and my body hair decrease – all great things!

In November of last year I added a small dose of estradiol to my routine (under a doctor’s care and guidance). Why? Well, in the years I have been in therapy, the years I have been a part of the transgender community, the time I have spent in public speaking and education on transgender issues has brought me to the point where I wish to bring my body and mind into a better alignment with who I am in my soul and spirit.

In the time I have been on estradiol the changes have been slight, but noticeable. My face has filled out some, losing some of its angularity and hardness. I have noticed my rear end growing due to some minimal fat redistribution. And, I have noticed an increased sensitivity and puffiness to my chest area. All of these changes have been happily welcomed – as I had hoped that changes would happen.

Along with the physical changes have come mental and emotional changes. I find that I am much more prone to tearing up watching tv and movies. I find that my temper and aggression has been reduced. My sex drive has also been reduced; sexual gratification is no longer something that is constantly lurking just under the surface. One potential change that I had prepared for that has not happened (to my wife’s joy) is there has been no change in sexual function.

One thing I have found interesting is that my desire to dress over the last few months has diminished. The way I feel is that as my body and mind slowly adapt to the changes in my body chemistry, I no longer need to put on external trappings to somehow bring a sense of balance – my body itself is creating that balance. When I look in the mirror I see more of me each and everyday, and don't need the wig, makeup, dresses and heels to see me.

I still have no intentions of transitioning. I still have no intentions of going full-time, or living much of my life as a woman. I plan on continuing my taking of pills and look forward to the continued changes to my body and mind over the coming years. I have no idea where I will end up.

In my experience, I have encountered far too many people in life who begin a journey focused on their destination rather than enjoying the trip itself. How often on a road trip have you driven past something amazing and missed it completely because you were focused on where you were going rather than where you were at that moment? I intend to enjoy the journey and the moment, where I end up is not as important to me as where I am.

[Sara Jessica]

Indeed the journey is unique for each of us. And likewise, we may choose to hop off of that train at stops earlier than others. That doesn't change or diminish who we are, what we have in our hearts.

I really enjoyed reading your post because I think our journeys (& anticipated destination) have a lot in common. On a couple points, I'm due for a check-up with my doc in early fall and I plan on seeking a prescription for finasteride to help ensure that my forehead doesn't become a five-head or worse. Dutasteride is certainly something for me to explore in this regard as well.

Also, I found your comment on how your internal well-being has trumped a desire to dress, in a good way of course. I too have experienced something similar, not so much when it comes to the dressing part because if given the opportunity, I'm more likely than not to wear something, even if it's simply jeans and a top. However, in years past I would wear makeup any time I was at home with a couple hours or more to myself. However, I cannot remember the last time I wore makeup at home and this is aligned with my internal peace when it comes to my outer presentation, specifically by my having long hair. And this remains the case with my "shorter-long-hair". It's like I don't need the mask of makeup unless I go out & about, then I typically wear as little as possible.

Anyway, thanks again so much for sharing. I hope you continue to find peace and fulfillment on your "journey".

[bas1985]

Dear Liz,

I am very grateful for your post because it gives to me food for thought before my first Gender Visit (August 8th).

I have a question though. Even if I rationalize and I understand that the journey is unique and that everyone has the right (and the joy!) of get on and get out at any stop and maybe take small (or big) detours or pauses... it seems to me that some steps are more or less irreversible.

I see that you are taking some medications. I see that they are not a total HRT cure, nevertheless they are some medications that alter your body and mind. At the same time you say that


I still have no intentions of transitioning. I still have no intentions of going full-time, or living much of my life as a woman.

But, for me, taking medications, even a "light" dose or a light version of the full HRT is in someway transitioning. Then, of course, maybe you step out before the changes are too big and too noticeable in "guy mode".

I write this post because I daydream too about a "half"-transition, or something that is a transition but it is not so "radical". But in all these thoughts I arrive to the conclusion that altering the body in every way is transitioning and denying this is (at least for me) strange, because in any case we are talking about life changing chemicals, with possible high risk side effects.

I am on the beginning of this journey and in my "fearful" mind (full of "what if"-s), I see that there are some steps which I can take lightly (and I am already doing, like for example shaving body, legs and beginning to remove facial hair, beginning to grow hair, make voice exercises), but for me taking the first pill is simply the decision to transition.

Then, maybe, this will not end with SRS, but if I take the first pill is because I simply realize that I am a woman and I want to live as one.

Thank you.

[Barbara Ella]

Liz, a wonderful post, thanks so much, the more women who are willing to post their journeys, planned out in detail or not, full or not, the more we all will know about our own journey. I am so very new to this side of me, but know just how deep in my soul it runs. Like you, I have found a peace with my HRT, and the overwhelming pressure to present as fully femme. I am just so thankful now that it can fit in with my wife's needs to not see me dressed. I am female, she can accept that. I can do things that are necessary to my internal well being, even if there is a slight external alteration, which at my age are kind of happening to some extent already...lol

I don't care who I was. I don't know who I will be. I just need to be at peace with who I am at this moment in time. Next thing is to get those important to me to be at peace with who I am, and mitigate the fears in their mind over who I might become.

Barbara

[KellyJameson]

I think many who transition all the way through SRS and beyond will see a little of you in themselves.

Change is a constant so in a sense everyone is transitioning from one moment to the next and sometimes this change is done to us and other times we do it to ourselves.

Gender is just one of many different types of spectrums that we live on.

I have seen a great deal of self hate in the transsexual community and often this is directed toward their genitalia and the intensity of self hate always makes me apprehensive because it seems to mask something other than GD and I wonder where this inverted rage comes from.

I fear many transsexuals have absorbed the hate of others and turned this against themselves and in my mind this is not than about identity but a form of Stockholm syndrome where a child identifies with an abuser and to escape the self loathing injected into them changes their external presentation and goes into an illusory gender that is actually unnatural to them to escape the toxic poison of being hated, abused, unloved, rejected, ignored, in childhood.

It is a reactive state not made out of gender but soul murder.

When transitioning is not a product of self rejection but self acceptance it seems to take on a search for the genuine self so they are not running away from themselves but toward themselves.

Your words have the softness of a search for self as identity in the absence of fear driven fanaticism that exposes the truth behind the lie which comes from not believing in what you are selling that always makes so many transsexuals voice shrill from the edge of fear,self deception and self delusion that tints it.

I would constantly experience many transsexuals as mentally ill and this made me apprehensive that all transsexuality must be driven by mental illness so I in turn must be mentally ill and so not a genuine woman because there was no such thing, only mental illness.

You may never transition but I would not fear for you if you did because in your words I sense self love (acceptance) not self hate (rejection) as the guiding force behind your "becoming"

For me transitioning is acceptance of what has been misunderstood (who and what I really am) which than wants to be seen in the world by the knowing of self (I am female) so we learn and discover that we are female when we discover inside ourselves this subconscious knowledge that becomes conscious.

You bring up to the surface what has always been there and what continues to be confirmed daily.

Not rejection of self as that which has been rejected by others that is removed from self for acceptance. (Transitioning as a form of detoxification of what others have done to you)

It is becoming clear to me that there are two opposite forces that compel transitioning.

One comes out of biological predestination that shapes identity but the other is purely fabricated by others and how the individual reacts to this poisonous environment.

Before I was able to accept that I am indeed a woman I first made sure to detoxify myself of any self hate put into me by others.

The more my soul was healed the more the female emerged.

[lizbendalin]

But, for me, taking medications, even a "light" dose or a light version of the full HRT is in someway transitioning. Then, of course, maybe you step out before the changes are too big and too noticeable in "guy mode".

I think I know what you are saying, but it fits perfectly with my concept of the journey. I knew that where I was wasn't where I wanted to be, so I left there; but I left without a clear goal of where I was going - just that I couldn't remain where I was. You say you are already doing some things to further your feminine appearance, they may not be permanent but are they also not a departure from where you were?

Rather than worrying and dwelling about where you are going, maybe think in terms of if you want to remain where you are. If you aren't happy or complete where you are maybe you need to step out into the unknown and journey a little. Enjoy the journey, don't worry or dwell on what the destination my or may not be.

[bas1985]

Yes, you are perfectly right.

What's the difference between taking a pill and growing hair or shaving legs? Nothing in particular: they both change aspect. My "ethical" view seems to imply that altering the body "from the inside" is more permanent, and, likewise, as I am also father
of two kids, it seems to me that spending money on medicines if they are not really necessary it is a waste of resources that could be used for them.

So I would begin HRT only if it is for me really necessary (it is not free, also here in Italy, but it seems that it has a fixed monthly price, at least if you qualify with diagnosed GID).

Likewise it is correct that the trigger that makes the start of the journey is all that matters: "I don't want to stay here anymore", this is the trigger. Then where it will lead it is in the "hands of God", so to speak. I am in your identical situation: I don't feel I can pretend to be a man anymore, but I am not sure yet if I want to make a full transition. I have simply started.

[lizbendalin]

I too have two small children, and they are without a doubt a great financial cost - and anything we do will end up affecting them to some degree (even if that effect is completely positive.)

The comment, "I don't feel I can pretend to be a man anymore" made me pause and think.

Speaking just for myself, when I made the decision to begin my journey it wasn't that I couldn't pretend to be a man anymore, it was that I wanted to be more who I was and stop trying to fit into a box that someone else constructed for me. I guess I wanted to build my own box.

Every journey regardless of how long or how short begins with a single step.

[Leah Lynn]

Hi Liz, very nice post. You put into perspective some of the things I've been pondering. I have my annual visit with the cardiologist on 8/16; then my first endo consult on 8/20.

Hope I get to ride that train to a couple stops, anyway.

Leah

[Angela Campbell]

Every journey regardless of how long or how short begins with a single step.

Or sometimes a stumble

[mikiSJ]

When I look in the mirror I see more of me each and everyday, and don't need the wig, makeup, dresses and heels to see me.

Your story is similar to mine and I no longer see myself as a CDer but someone transitioning. I just spent an hour with my hairdresser (who has known about Miki for a while) and though I was in drab, it was two girls spending an hour together just chatting. I felt at home and I felt like I want to feel like - as Miki.

I hope your journey is laid with pebbles and not boulders.