A question for all

[Wildaboutheels]

Input from GGs is especially welcome

I fully understand that ALL GGs are unique. But I have had enough marriages and LTRs to fully agree with well known, well documented FACTS. Most women want to and will need to talk about stuff. Sometimes endlessly.

Men are known for "Cave time". [from the Mars/Venus book]. [And I myself have been guilty of this in the past before I knew what to TELL a lady when I needed Cave time] MANY men might, at oddball times, simply clam up, seemingly out of the blue for NO apparent reason. The reason is that he has some type of "problem" he has encountered. Might be something very trivial to a woman or most anyone else. But he needs to NOT talk and possibly be alone, while he kicks around the problem in HIS OWN MIND till he resolves it and or figures out a solution or a best way to go about it. [Men are problem solvers] Many women will never understand or accept this line of thought... Cave time often has ZERO to do with the woman OR anything that SHE did... but many assume the silence is because of something THEY did.

When/if a Lover, husband, friend, coworker or stranger tells YOU anything that "disturbs" you, no matter the subject matter, what are you most likely to do? [Would CDing be a "special case" in a league of it's own and off limits?]

A] Chew on it for a few minutes or hours before NEEDING to talk to someone else about it? [more than likely a female acquaintance?]

B] "Google the subject matter at your earliest convenience and try to gather some "Info" on your own?

C] Chew on it/sleep on it for 24 hours and then deciding on your next course of action?

D] Keep it completely to yourself and TELL NO ONE?

E] ???

All the "guys" are welcome to jump in here also. How many of you EVER need "Cave time" or is your brain wired more like the average female brain and you NEED to discuss "things" ASAP?

[jennyscott]

I love the "Cave Time" trait as it describes parts of me perfectly. Compartmentalization is another trait I suffer from. I can't wait to see the responses.

Difficulties with one of our children over the last few years has let me to gradually transform to option C. Time helps with clarity. Time also helps/allows for more information an opportunity to be discovered. Of course, there are times I need not time at all!!!

(I think the Mars/Venus book is still in our basement. Perhaps a great reading assignment for the beach in August :D)

[~Joanne~]

You know, sometimes I wonder where you get all of these damn questions lol

To be honest, I don't think anyone has ever told me anything that deep or personal to a point where I have ever felt I had to go "diguest" what I was told in order to respond properly. If someone does tell me something that they don't want around, it stays with me. I surely wouldn't discuss it with anyone else.

[Angela Campbell]

I feel the need to discuss some things and other times I do not. The same applies to all the women I have had long term relationships with. Sometimes they want to talk and sometimes they just clam up too. I tend to talk with others about problems if I think they can understand it and maybe offer some support.

Then again I am an engineer and will sometimes think over a problem for a time to get to a solution.

[Kimberly Kael]

I'd be willing to bet this is a socialized difference, not a genetic one. Greatly oversimplified: while men can't openly admit to weakness without losing social standing or risking challenges for dominance, women are more used to working together to solve problems. The distinction isn't as rigid or carefully reinforced in modern society but aspects of it are still very much present. Not stopping to ask for directions has nothing to do with our ancestors breeding successfully because they could read a map — and everything to do with maintaining an image of being a strong protector and capable provider.

I was socialized male and have some of those bad habits, still, but I'm enjoying unlearning them.

[Druscilla Supernovae]

A bit of both. I like to take the Harley out to clear my mind and think things through. Then confront the problem headon. I can try this again if I ever find that worthy woman.

[suchacutie]

When Tina first arrived in our lives, my wife and I had hours and hours of conversation about the differences between our experiences growing up, i.e. being socialized as a boy or a girl. What an eye-opener for both of us, and what a leap of understanding in our thinking (and we had already been married for 32 years!).

Guys solve problems and move on. They are taught to do that from the earliest of experiences. Girls are taught to socialize problems, talk, chew at an issue, and then act on the discussion. That one difference can be so incredibly destructive to relationships if it is not understood.

Now that we understand Tina better and she has the benefit of my wife's insight on being socialized as a woman, there are times that I move into Tina mode when my wife needs to "talk something over" or, just bxxxh about it! She now understands the "cave time" or the "problem-solving" needs of a male. She can touch it by simply asking for Tina to take over for a minute!

Fascinating how being transgendered can make life so much easier in some subtle ways.

[AllieSF]

When I have a problem whether brought on by myself or by someone else and I couldn't resolve it exactly at that moment, I will normally think about it later, maybe share it with others to hear myself speak as I try to explain to others why it is a problem and why it is bothering. I also regret not being quick enough on my feet to have a good reply ready when caught off guard. I do not have a man cave nor do I need one. That just isn't my way of dealing with issues, though I do understand and respect others needs to do so.

I also consider myself very practical and pragmatic in the way that I see things, react to things and try to resolve issues. I usually readily see the futility of worrying myself about something that I have no control over. I accept that fact and just live with it, learn to live with it and try to avoid that type of situation in the future by either modifying my behaviors and thought processes or by trying to not put myself in those types of situations in the future.

Unfortunately, while this works very well for me, it does not necessarily work for others. I sometimes become unwillingly involved in other people's issues, which in my opinion those issues could be easily solved by being like me, practical and pragmatic.

[Eryn]

I've no idea how I am "wired" but society's expectation is that men know how to solve problems. If I ask for help it is an admission that I'm not living up to that standard. Asking for help also opens up the obligation to follow the course suggested by anyone who gives advice.

In my case I keep my mouth shut until I can figure the problem out by myself or the need to do so passes.

Mark Twain put it best:
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

[GBJoker]

If I'm understanding what your post is about correctly... Then my answer is that if any one brings up a topic that "disturbs" me, I vary any where from, just ignoring it and changing topic, to never talking to the person again. I never do any of the things on your multiple choice list of answers.

Edit: Even after reviewing this thread after sleeping and eating... I'm still a bit confused...

[Wildaboutheels]

How about "troubling" Or "disconcerting"?

And per the book, How many guys have NEVER heard the words "you're not listening to me" from a female or two or three? When in fact you ARE/were 3 feet away listening to every word she said...

BUT, being the silly man that you are, you had to go and ruin it all, by actually opening your mouth and offering a suggestion/solution of some type? Something to actually FIX the problem. The book goes on to explain that often, "many" women can feel "better" JUST by talking about the problem. A solution? Just TALKING about it is often solution enough for them.

I would be surprised that any man over 25 has not witnessed it at least once if not a half dozen times?

[noeleena]

Hi,

Female

depends on the problem or issue depends as to is the one with the issues, with ill use the ...my... partner .if it was between us then most times Jos would not wont to sit down & talk through the issue 39 years of,

now when it concerned our Daughter it was she will not listen 90 % of the time so Jos told me keep the,mouth shut dont bring up the said issue unless we could do it in such a way that it was daughters idear, & many times it worked very well at other times i got both barrolls full told to shutup did not wont to talk about it, at other times will talk quite freely .

our two sons most times will talk about most things no problems. my issue was of being intersex so thier understanding they have struggled with ,

still with in family myself ill concider the issue how best to work through it how it will effect us, sometimes ill keep quiet,

With other women im very open & will talk when needed, i allso like to think about what i will say how ill say it be prepared no matter the outcome im very caculating very controled & can go back years with what people have said so know a little about people ,

I work with a lot of women who have abuse issues have worked with a few over the years, and more so over the last 5 years, & how i answer thier ?'s can tax me because i know what abuse is like i have a closer relastionship with them as a woman.

Im not a male yet can use the listen work through to come to an answer that may work best for the detail & person concerned,

When you are privy to many people & know more about each person than others its one of trust that they have in you or placed in you so it becomes very private between myself & them, many women have put out a call for help & how you respond , well i in this case it becomes a part of you or thier life is being intrusted to you. it really is a privilage so i dont take lightly what i do ,i may not have all the answers though i do have the maturity some experance & be on the same level as they are,

As for men i try to keep away from them because i never related to or with men, i struggle with many aspects of men just that difference we have between men & women.

I will if the need arise's will try & help though for myself say the concern is between a male & woman , i understand the woman & to try & get that over to the male is very hard at times , how do i convey to a male the mind of a woman = female, knowing full well they are brain wired so different, so i try to keep the peace between them than just say you dont understand us we think so differently to you men,

Being female we run a different race, if you cant catch us youll never understand who we are, ....try as you may....

...noeleena...

[Beverley Sims]

If somebody ever suggested I dress, cavetime would never come into the equation.
Dressing for me was cave time.