Current Struggle

[Anne Elizabeth]

Been thinking a lot and working through my life position and I am interested on your thoughts. I have been openly struggling with the need to become who I was born to be and who I am. I have been trying to put reasons for my feelings and every time I come up with some reason as to why I have a strong urge to finish my life as a female (ie "because of this happening that is why I am feeling like changing my outside to match my inside inside). The I realize that my feeling to change and to live correctly was there before that instant happened.

So my questions are
1. As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago?

2. Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?

3. It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?

I am asking about your own personal feelings and these are your feelings and your feelings are valid and not arguable by others.

Thanks:)

[Angela Campbell]

In my case,

"As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago"

I have been told it usually begins with some event in your life that makes you look deeper or finally realize what is going on. Sometimes it like the straw that broke the camels back. Sometimes it just takes years to get over the fear. I understand this is quite common.

"Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?"

Absolutely. I missed growing up and instead had a miserable life.

"It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?"

See last answer. I isolated myself so much that I had no friends, could not hold on to a relationship, did not take care of my body to the point I was almost 300lbs, blood sugar in the 300's and cholesterol off the charts. would not take medications or even go to a Doctor, did not go to a dentist for over 20 years, Didn't like to bathe, shave, or wash clothes, and rarely left the house. Yeah I guess I didn't feel good about myself.

Be the true me? Until lately there never was a me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Life events conspired. Things were happening in my life, and I believe they were all about INVESTING MORE into my male life...my job was getting bigger, my marriage was not doing well(duh), then my boss quit and I was up for promotion...then my wife said she wanted to separate!!! and that was that.... I read an anne vitale article and it made me want to puke and I cried for days because what I read felt like an exact description of my life and I realized what was going on... I ran out of gas... I felt that even though I knew I was alive some kind of survival instinct kicked in... I didn't want to kill myself, but my quality of life felt literally like 0.1% of 100...it was unsustainable.

I do not feel upset about things I missed. Every once in a while I guess I feel sad about some things, but I honestly do not dwell on them. This is my nature ....it may be much harder for others to NOT look back..

I always felt kind of ok with myself...I got many blessings in my life
but I describe it as being on the outside...its not that I never felt good about myself...it was that I had a sensation that I just could NOT UNDERSTAND what all these other people were doing...I could not relate to what the guys did...I was separate and apart from what the girls all did... I just observed the guys and fit in... I was simply not able to really connect with people even though I had great friends...always arms length away tho..

think of it this way...i'd spend time with people...sometimes have a genuine great time!!! and then i'd go home, and everybody else went home.... everybody else went home and thought about their day and the people they met...all the stuff that happened in their day...maybe thinking of what's going to happen with other people tomorrow....

what was I thinking of??? DUH.... When can I dress again?? I want to look like that girl?? I'd fantasize about being that girl? ..and then it would be the next day and i'd have to spend more time with people to interrupt me or I would just think of this 24hrs every day...and the feelings got more and more intense over many years...it was truly a double life but just in my mind...

and looking back to the first question...that's why I think I ran out of gas.... I could not invest any more in male life....I could not survive living only in my head..i couldn't function anymore and I was compelled to attempt to live out the thoughts in my head OR ELSE...
even with this realization I tried for another year to NOT transition...but to no avail...

and I remember one day sitting at friends house, thinking about my job situation in my wig..HRT had started....and my mind went to AFTER I transition..blah blah blah.... WAIT A SECOND!!! AFTER I TRANSITION?????? I realized I was transitioning at that very moment...

[MssHyde]

Been thinking a lot and working through my life position and I am interested on your thoughts. I have been openly struggling with the need to become who I was born to be and who I am. I have been trying to put reasons for my feelings and every time I come up with some reason as to why I have a strong urge to finish my life as a female (ie "because of this happening that is why I am feeling like changing my outside to match my inside inside). The I realize that my feeling to change and to live correctly was there before that instant happened.

So my questions are
1. As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago?

2. Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?

3. It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?

I am asking about your own personal feelings and these are your feelings and your feelings are valid and not arguable by others.

Thanks:)

I would say yes to all the questions and I agree with how you feel

[melissaK]

Go watch this Ted Talk on being "authentic" and the impact not being authentic has on human happiness.

http://youtu.be/lkbWIfP3mLw

I got this from another forum girl. It explains me, I think. Coming out as much as I have, and letting myself be "me" has resulted in happiness. Awesome.

But life has no redo, and I'll not second guess what might've been. Nothing to be gained from it.

[JackieInPA]

1. As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago?

Never been happy as a male, about 8 yrs ago had a mental breakdown, the trans stuff was a big part of it. Before that occasional dressing kind of kept me sated. After I finally climbed out of the hole my feminine desires pretty much squashed my male ones...even small amounts of time in guy mode leave me anxious and miserable.

2. Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?

All the time. I remember all the things I wanted to do but couldn't. I see girls/women today doing things and get very envious.

3. It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?

I have hated myself most of my life, because I was stuck in a male body...its only recently that I have started to like myself, because my male time is almost nill.

[LeaP]

OMG, Kaitlyn - If you only knew just how closely you're describing my life.

For example, a constantly recurring theme between me and my wife is she asking me, say after dinner with friends, a company gathering, or party or something, if I had a good time. First, I hate the question! My response is very invariably the same. After complaining about the question, I say I never have had a good time. In turn, she will say that she has seen me have a good time – many times. The disconnect is due to exactly what you're describing.

As for the OP questions:

1) like many, I was triggered – the details don't matter. I would not, however, say the feelings are stronger now. I would say they are constant now, where before I would swing episodically between the thought and shoving it away.

2) No upset. What's the point of looking backwards?

3) I have always felt best about myself when engaging to my own pursuits, by myself. I've never been comfortable in the company of others. Even with my own family, it is a matter of degree. One inner life. One outer life. The two do not mix.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

actually Lea I do know!!! LOL

[Angela Campbell]

1) like many, I was triggered – .

Yes it is like that for me. Oh yes I knew about this since I can remember but kept telling myself it is impossible to do anything about it. Excuse after excuse. Then one day when the event happened, it wasn't like the desire changed, it is more like the ability to fight it changed. And it changed very quickly. Out of control.

[Marleena]

So my questions are
1. As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago?

2. Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?

3. It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?



I've told most of this before but here goes.

1. I've started the transition process because of the GD again. The feelings are about the same as my first go round with GD. I'm very reluctant to go further with it because of my advancing age and current life situation though.

2. Yes, totally peeved off at times because I couldn't find the help to transition in my twenties. It's a missed opportunity I can't shake.

3. Ughh.. Lifelong struggle. Started at a very early age. The feeling of always being an outsider and not fitting in.

I got busted by my older sister at 8 years of age in her new party dress and underthings. She tried to push me out the front door and lock me outside. I was terrified but managed to get away. That taught me not to never get caught again! I had no idea what TS was or the idea how I could have a boy's body but wanted to be a girl. It made no sense to me so I thought I was a freak and was terrified people would find out my secret. Teen years sucked, my libido was bad, I wasn't ready to go like the rest of the boys. It took me a lot of heavy petting to get a rise. The girls thought I was gay. Everybody thought I was a weird guy so I started the tough macho guy act that lasted until recently.

My first wife witnessed my GD and being a nurse said her old birth control pills were hormones. Just what I needed, so I started taking them. Not sure how long that went on but I was desperate. I needed help. My wife got pregnant and that killed any ideas of finding help to transition. I had to be a dad now.

So that decision lead to decades of depression and anger issues that just ended recently. So all my life I had few friends, I hated gatherings of any sort. Work sucked because I had to be around other guys. When they would get the "weird" vibes I'd do something to prove I fit in, even though I didn't. I'll cut this off now because it will turn into a novel.

I'm still struggling with the idea how I can be TS even though it's so evident now. Having a female brain still seems so odd because of my body parts. It's like I need that medical proof. Yeah what a mess it has been and didn't need to be. I really envy the new generation that can get help early in life.

[KellyJameson]

I experienced it as being handicapped but with gifts yet you consciously do not know how you are handicapped but feel something is wrong so you experience yourself as standing apart from all other people. You always feel different or foreign or do not "fit in" but with the whole mass of humanity no matter how hard you search.

You know you are not a boy but you do not have the words to articulate this so it is a feeling but it is a feeling that flows through you while you are with others because others "feel" different specifically as gender. You become obsessed with gender before you know what gender is.

Boys feel different from you where girls feel familiar but you see the physical differences.

I resolved this by thinking there were two different types of girls, me and them and than "boys"

You are caught between the genders because your mind as your brain is female but the body you are in as the vessel everyone else relates to is treated as male so no one really see's you so what they reflect back at you leaves you feeling lonely and unacknowledged.

It is a very lonely place for a child to be in and it also causes massive amounts of anxiety because you live with the experience of being caste out from participating in human society while everyone is trying to include you. They open the door but you cannot walk through it because of the body you are in.

It can make you very suspicious of people because they seem hostile yet also friendly and your mind becomes very confused about what to believe.

This keeps the child perpetually isolated no matter how many people you are surrounded by and you come to experience human relations as painful because they remind you that something is wrong with you both by how they treat you, the labels they apply to you that feel wrong and the impossible expectations placed on you to be what you are not.

A transsexual child is continuously under psychological attack from all directions.

The child fights for their sanity by trying to make sense of a world that is exactly opposite how others define it contrasted to how they "experience it" as themselves as "gender"

The child goes into insanity by dissociation which is created by accepting the lies they are being told as "truth" so they let go of their capacity to make a distinction between what is true or what is false as their gender while becoming obsessed with truth and falsehood as their gender and all things in general.

You go into numbness from the shock of not being able to live because your mind cannot expand into itself and outward into society.

You are forced to live unnaturally so never learn about who you are because you cannot taste those aspects of life and have those experiences that are necessary and suitable to your real gender.

You are forced to relate to people in an unnatural way and you do not know how to live in this body that may be very healthy and beautiful but feels "off" so you have a mechanical relationship with your living body which is not you but an object you ride around in.

The feelings to transition were always there before the concept of transitioning was and this was experienced as trying to "fix myself" by becoming female but from a child's world of fantasy and imagination.

As I moved into adulthood this than became an intellectual problem but at first done subconsciously such as wearing my hair long and removing body hair. I stopped using wishful magical thinking and actually started to make physical changes including trying to force people to relate to me as a woman without actually telling them I was a woman because I was not willing to admit that I was to myself but also because I was confused about what is and is not true.

At first I tried to force others to bend their gender to complement mine and this made all intimate relationships with women fail and there were many.

Not feeling good about myself was there because my self esteem was damaged by feeling "broken" and "different" and also because my frantic efforts to "fix me" kept me preoccupied with a single problem so I ignored many other aspects of normal growth so my life went into a holding pattern and type of waiting for a solution without being strong enough to accept the solution.

All transsexuals become truth seekers while trying not to be so the subconscious that knows the truth of their actual gender is in conflict with the conscious suppression of this truth until the pain forces you to transcend your fear. I think of it like walking through fire because the answer is on the other side.

I do not feel upset because I see it as an accident of birth and many children die from these accidents so I'm a "cup is half full" kind of person.

Also it has given me ways of seeing the world that no cisgender would have. When you live with a handicap you adopt or die so by adopting to it I realized certain strengths and gifts even though in other ways it has made me weak.

It is a strange thing to say but I think I can be a better woman because of it than if I had been born cisgendered.

I'm on the outside and other side now so I'm outside the pain and on the other side of confusion so in this peaceful state I can see how living with a vessel opposite who I am gave me knowledge that I would not have otherwise.

It was terribly painful while I was in it but now I see how it may be very beneficial.

Very few people in the world have the experience of living a single life as both genders.

If you can survive it you will know things no one else does.

[GBJoker]

1: My feelings to transition are beyond out of control compared to even just a year ago. It's definitely grown stronger in the five years of my life. It went from very timid... sort of... trying to see if any one is cool with it, ya know? Wait, yes, virtually all of you know. But yeah, went from that to today, where I'm practically begging for clothes and hormones and to get this stinkin' ball rolling... some where. Any where. I don't care where, I just want it bloody moving for once.

2: I am... sort of... upset about missing out on some things due to being a GM rather than a GG. It's kinda drowned out though by being far more upset about other things I missed due to other reasons.

3: I have never felt good about myself, and still currently do not. Yes, I want to be able to be my true self 24/7, but I am not positive my current situation will allow for it.

[Anne Elizabeth]

WOW! I want to thank all of you who have taken time to answer my questions. I am totally blown away by your answers. It amazes my as to how all most everybody has had similar thought, experiences and feelings and had I been articulate enough I could have written 99% of those responses. When I talk to my wife tomorrow I already know her response. "Sounds exactly like you!!"

Again thanks for your replies! now I have to process and make a decision.

Anne elizabeth

[Ariamythe]

Interesting questions.



1. As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago?
For me, I think there were two reasons. First, a better understanding of that these feelings were and what they meant, which led to a reduction in the shame I felt at having them. And second, the failure of the life I was trying to live, the one where I repressed and shamed, really enhanced my feelings.

BTW some scientists say that there's a third reason my feelings may have increased with age: as males get older the hold that testosterone has on the body reduces. Lowered T levels may allow trans feelings to become clearer. It's one of the arguments used to explain why so many don't transition until their 40s or older. I'm not 40 yet, but getting closer!


2. Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?
In some ways, yes. I see women who transitioned at 15 and 16, sometimes even early enough to have started hormone blockers before puberty got all the way, and I'm sad I didn't get that opportunity. But then I look at my three kids and I remember that all the personal sadness and shame of those years were the price of these three unique lives. I wouldn't give them up to go back and "do over".


3. It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?
Honey, I could write a book! I have struggled with a pathological fear of "being abnormal" for most of my life. It's part of the reason I so strongly repressed my trans feelings for so many years. All it did was make me a horrible person to be around. It also made me nearly asexual; while I have had sex (see mention of kids above) it was never something I desired or sought out, and the lack of sex in my marriage was one of the things that led to its ending.


I have been told it usually begins with some event in your life that makes you look deeper or finally realize what is going on. Sometimes it like the straw that broke the camels back.
QFT. I know my moment. I will never forget it. It was the lowest point in my life, in terms of self-loathing and repression. And suddenly I just had a moment of clarity.

[Angela Campbell]

It also made me nearly asexual; while I have had sex (see mention of kids above) it was never something I desired or sought out, and the lack of sex in my marriage was one of the things that led to its ending.

Same for me. I was married twice and for each one the last 5 years there was no sex whatsoever. I have no desire for that at all now and no desire for any relationships either.

[Marleena]

Anne, thank you for posting this thread. Spilling my guts and reading the other lady's posts was good therapy for me. I realize searching for my proof as tangible medical evidence is holding me back and causing undue stress.

[LeaP]

Lowered T levels may allow trans feelings to become clearer.

Maybe. My pre-HRT T levels were quite a bit higher than the norm, however. And my current levels, because of limitations on how much Spiro I can take, are still higher than some others' starting levels.


QFT. I know my moment. I will never forget it. It was the lowest point in my life, in terms of self-loathing and repression. And suddenly I just had a moment of clarity.

I described a trigger event, but there was also a single moment that well and truly rung my bell. It astonished me then. It still does now.

[Ariamythe]

Maybe. My pre-HRT T levels were quite a bit higher than the norm, however. And my current levels, because of limitations on how much Spiro I can take, are still higher than some others' starting levels.
Relatively higher. ;)

[I Am Paula]

1. Absolutely. For years I contained my feeling with crossdressing. GD beat that, so I went full time. GD got the better of that one too. Finally realized I could no longer fix myself.

2. Double absolutely. I grew up before internet, so I had a bit of an excuse. Then along came AOL, and I still didn't pull the trigger. I spent half my life denying that this was bigger than me.

3. I've never fit in with ANY peer group, so I've always felt inadequate about everything. Two marriages failed, this one has one foot on a banana peel. When I started HRT, my self esteem, and worth instantly began improving. I finally feel that I'm doing something worthwhile to improve myself. All of it I blame on being the wrong sex for my gender.

[Rachel Smith]

Hi Anne,

Hope it's not to late to add my 2 cents
1. Life is getting short and it's now or never, plus I finally realized how much more content I am on the inside.
2. To some extent but there is one important thing in my male life that I wouldn't wanted to miss for all the tea in China. Getting a daughter and helping to raise her. Anything else I could have done as either gender.
3. Absolutely and yes I felt the same way. No matter what I did or how good I was at it I felt it wasn't good enough and I got no particular satisfaction from my life. Just felt kinda empty inside, like it just wasn't right. With the exception of my daughter but I have lost her now due to a divorce her mother wanted.

I hope you end up feeling as good on the inside as I do now.

[TeresaL]

I'm late too. Crap, I was late busting out of my second closet that the reparative therapist nailed shut. I gained some momentum, but not approaching the level I had in 1995. However, I just got hit with another big rock which has threatened my internal women. No one is going to do that to me again, and I'm responding because of the threat of gender deprivation due to my HT being cancelled.

1. As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago?
More than ever, much more because of gender deprivation anxiety. I can dress every day, but I need more than that for GD relief.

2. Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?
I'm still upset and at least need to have a path cleared.

3. It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?
I was oblivious to why I felt bad about myself. I now know without a doubt that I have not been able to be myself. I'm only asking for a chance to be myself. That's all. My wife and family are now supportive, and I'm just needing my medical team to get onboard. My gatekeeper though is reluctant. There is a way of escape.

[DeeDee1974]

Ever since freshman year of college, I had really only had three close friends. Jen, Julie and Diane. Jen and I were best friends, pretty much inseparable and she is still my best friend to this day. She got married about 3.5 years ago. At this time I was still 100% living as a male, in my second bad marriage and depressed. I was revealing a lot about my female side to my therapist, but had never really thought about transitioning being an option.

When Jen got engaged I was so happy for her, but as she chose her bridesmaids and I wasn't one if them I was really hurt. Suddenly I felt hurt and left out because here were all these people who weren't as close with Jen having a big part in her special day. This is someone who in the 20 years of knowing her we have barely gone a day without speaking to each other.
She made sure to make me a part of a wedding by asking me to do a reading. I was happy to do that, but still bridesmaid was what I wanted.

Fast forward to her bachelorette party. Surprise, I'm the only guy there but deep down feeling like one if the girls. Like most of the "girls" trips we've taken Jen and I wind up sharing a bed because we're going to stay up talking for hours. During our conversation that night Jen says she wished that I could be a bridesmaid, but her family was just too traditional. Then i told her how hurt i was. We both just hugged and cried for a very long time.

Right there it struck me that I am a girl, how else could I be laying in this bed with the woman and nothing besides talk was going to happen. The next day I had about a 3 hour drive home with Jen. Suddenly, my heart was racing, I felt light headed. I asked Jenn to drive. Then while in the passenger seat I couldn't breath and my stomach was super tight. I thought I was having a heart attack. Jen calls 911 and we pull over. I thought I might die and as we wait for help, out if nowhere I tell her what I didn't even think I knew. I'm transgendered. She grabs my hand, tells me I'm going to be okay, and she is going to help me be who I was meant to be. We cry some more. By the time the ambulance gets there I feel fine and were sent on our way to the next chapter in my life.

[Jana]

1. As time went by why do you think your feelings to transition are stronger now rather than say years ago?
Mostly yes.

2. Do you ever feel upset or maybe that you missed out on an important part of your life because you lived as a male rather than the female you should have?
The thing I miss is actually being able to have been myself since the start, pros and cons included.

3. It seems that most of my life I have never felt good about myself. Did you feel this way? and do you attribute that feeling to not being able to be the true you?
Yes, I've felt this way. I've always had low self-confidence, and have never been good in social settings. I've always been a bit of a loner, always feeling different and disconnected. Although I'm more of an introvert by nature, being TG certainly does not help those traits.