what to do?

[mrsjbperry]

i have been sitting here thinking about how i could let my family know that my husband is CD. my mom and sisters and b-i-l know. along with an aunt. but not everyone knows that he is. i am afraid that my family will disown him. i love him no matter what. how do i let my family know that he likes to CD?

[Marleena]

The first question that comes to mind is does he want them to know? Then... how important is it that they have to know? Does he go out dressed or just at home? All important questions.:)

[heatherdress]

Who cares if they know? As long as you are both happy - that is what matters. It is great that your mom and sisters know and accept. If there is a risk that other family members will disown him, there is no reason to take that risk. Good luck, MRSJB.

[lingerieLiz]

Don't assume that everyone needs to know. Why tell people who don't have a need to know. If at some point they do need to know then tell them. If they find out by crossing paths or rumor some how deal with it then. They all have personal secrets so why not your husband.

I think too many here think they have to shout it from the top story of the tallest building. Or have a family event to celebrate their diversity.

[Candice Mae]

I would let Mr. JBPerry tell his family, you telling his family about his CDing if he does not want them to could lead to problems between you two. Then theres that his family does not need to know that he CDs.

[AmyGaleRT]

Mrs. JB, I would let JB take the lead on how much to tell. I don't know how much I'd want Sabrina telling her family members about me, for instance. Then, too, the more people know right now, the more likely it is that it might get back to someone in his command who'd be required to take notice of it officially, and I don't think either of you want that.

I can only think of a couple more people I'd like to tell beyond who already knows.

- Amy

[JBPerry]

I would let Mr. JBPerry tell his family, you telling his family about his CDing if he does not want them to could lead to problems between you two. Then theres that his family does not need to know that he CDs.

Candice, it is her side of the family that she is talking about not mine.......our families live on 2 opposite sides of the metro area.


Don't assume that everyone needs to know. Why tell people who don't have a need to know. If at some point they do need to know then tell them. If they find out by crossing paths or rumor some how deal with it then. They all have personal secrets so why not your husband.

I think too many here think they have to shout it from the top story of the tallest building. Or have a family event to celebrate their diversity.

It's not so much that we think her side needs to know......its more so not knowing what to expect if one of her family members does find out


Mrs. JB, I would let JB take the lead on how much to tell. I don't know how much I'd want Sabrina telling her family members about me, for instance. Then, too, the more people know right now, the more likely it is that it might get back to someone in his command who'd be required to take notice of it officially, and I don't think either of you want that.

I can only think of a couple more people I'd like to tell beyond who already knows.

- Amy

Amy, in regards to it getting back to my command....once we go home we won't have to worry about that because I am getting out of the military. In regards to telling her family, my wife is not telling everyone.....it's the family finding out that she is worried about.

[MysticLady]

i have been sitting here thinking about how i could let my family know that my husband is CD. my mom and sisters and b-i-l know. along with an aunt. but not everyone knows that he is. i am afraid that my family will disown him. i love him no matter what. how do i let my family know that he likes to CD?

Hello Mrs., Do you think that they need to know? Frankly, I don't think I'd worry about that. Regarding them finding out, I would cross that bridge we you all come to it. Just the fact that you both know and are in agreement over it will amaze them. What can they say at that point? I think they will respect your privacy as Husband and Wife IMHO.

[mrsjbperry]

im worried about my family finding out about it. i am not so much worried about hi command finding out cause we keep it under wraps here on base. he does his CDing here at home and that is all. now when we go back home my nephews will not find out since they are 4 and 2. it is other people in my family that i am worried about. my grandmother was born in 1932 and she believes male is male and female is female. my hubby has let his mom know that he CD. but i am leaving it up to him to tell his dad and i am not going to force him to do that at all.

[Tina B.]

Trouble with telling people is you never know what they will do with it, and once it's out, you can't put it back. At this point, there really nothing you can do to safe guard it. People will either gossip, or be creped out and never say another thing abut it, hoping it will go away. Telling family doesn't change, hearing it from you or cousin George won't change granny's feelings on it.
Not telling anyone that does not have an immediate need to know, might stop how fast news of a thing like that travels through a family.

[BOBBI G.]

That should be his decision, not yours. Even though it is your family connection, it is really his life, and yes, also yours, you are playing with. Have a sit down with him and ask him how he feels about letting other family members know of his "hobby". Then honor his thoughts of this. Doing this behind his back could seriously harm your marriage, unless this is your intent. Been there, had it happen to me. Now living legally single again.

Bobbi

[kimdl93]

Well, if the mother in law, sisters in law and a brother in law know, there is a good possibility that one of them has shared the information with yet other family members. You can never know with absolute certainty how people will respond, but judging from the responses of those who do, it seems others may react or not react in a similarly restrained manner.

[stephNE]

My advice would be to keep in under wraps. Some people just don't understand, and maybe its best they don't know. Maybe they'll never find out any way, especially if your husband is careful about when and where he dresses. If they do find out, I would not make a big deal, just treat it matter-of-factly, like yes he does, that's the way it is, so what. Good luck.

[Di]

:2c: Unless your hubby is going to live 24/7 I really do not see the point of telling them.


.its more so not knowing what to expect if one of her family members does find out

cross that bridge when or even you have to....I still think what is between a couple is no ones business.

[deebra]

Sorry to be so blunt to a new member but it's not your right to tell anybody, this is him and it's personal, so keep your mouth shut, if he wants anyone to know let him tell you to tell them. You exposing him will cause him to not trust you, be angry toward you and cause trouble within the family. I don't get it, why do you think you are compelled to tell anyone. You should love him and have enough respect for him to "KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT".

[Chari]

Just like the military statement - (if they) "Don't ask, Don't tell!"

[Sister Rachel]

You don't .. they don't need to know, do they? My approach has always been that if directly asked, I'll tell the truth in a matter-of-fact, no-big-deal way .. but just because my wife (obviously) , sisters, brother and a few close (mostly, but not exclusively, female) friends know that I crossdress, I can't see any reason to 'fess up to people who might be disturbed or disapproving.

[linda allen]

It's been said already, but I think it's up to the husband to decide who should know about his dressing. The point was also made that once anyone knows, there's no way to control who else finds out. If his dressing could cause problems in any way, the fewer people who know about it, the better.

And why does anyone need to know anyway?

[Sandra]

In regards to telling her family, my wife is not telling everyone.....it's the family finding out that she is worried about.

I suggest that members read this by Mrs JB's SO..instead of going off half cocked and having a go at the OP for telling her family.which as the quote above states she is not doing!

[Greenie]

When you tell one family member or say one finds out that can be tricky. It sounds like you told your mom and sisters and are worried about others finding out from here on out?

I learned a lesson in this the hard way. Once you tell someone a secret like your mom or sister, you are entrusting them to now keep it. They are burdened with carrying a secret that is not their own. Most people are loose lipped when it comes to secrets that aren't there's. I think that you should connect with the people who know. Explain to them that this is something that is private and ask them not to say anything to those family members who don't know.

But be prepared for the event of someone you didn't intend to find out. It will happen. Luca told his sister in law and in an ill guided attempt to "help" him she told his brother. So now brother and sister in law know. You cannot control what other people talk about, but you can have a response ready in the event someone asks you about it. So I would lay low. But have a response ready for those inquiring minds. Keep your story straight and make sure that you make clear that this is not something that you need to be spreading around.

Edit: Listen to Sandra and everyone calm down about the whole its not hers to share. When you share a secret you share the burden of keeping that secret. If she needs to tell her family then that's how she needed to handle that. As long as her husband knows who cares. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship, its something that effects BOTH of them. Lets not attack her please?

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I suggest that members read this by Mrs JB's SO..instead of going off half cocked and having a go at the OP for telling her family.which as the quote above states she is not doing!

It seems to me that the OP simply needs to be prepared if confronted in any way. Maybe we can offer suggestions should it come to that?

I just learned from my sister-in-law that she and her daughter, and my mother-in-law knew about me before my wife and I got married around 20 years ago. They've been nothing but kind to me since I met my wife. Situations are different of course.

I agree with many others about any need to tell. Some don't have to know but if it does come up in a discussion, how can it best be told???

Cheryl Ann

[Cheryl T]

The first question that comes to mind is does he want them to know? Then... how important is it that they have to know? Does he go out dressed or just at home? All important questions.:)

The other question is "Why do they have to know??"
If that much of the family already knows they why worry about telling everyone else?

[Miss Trudy]

To m the question here is why? Do they need to know? NO! What happens between you and your husband is between the two of you and every married couple has their little secrets. Do you tell your family when you and your husband make love? Of course you don't. Well the fact your husband is a CD is no more than business than your love life!

[RADER]

My wife and I where married for over 19 years. We told nobody.
Maybe some day when I die, they, (The kids) will see all the girl clothes
still in the house and wonder if they belong to their mother or what.
I do not leave the house dressed; so the secret will stay that way.
Rader

[arbon]

when you tell them be casual about it, don't make it seem like a big deal. Remember your not responsible for how they react to it - don't get pulled into the drama if that is what they do.

[mrsjbperry]

i was wanting advice on the best way to tell them. he and i have been talking about it and my family is very close. my grandmother can drop by at any time to see us since we are moving back to Texas. we will be getting a house there and have family from my side staying with us. deebra i do not like the fact that you assume that i am trying to do this without my husband knowing. he has posted a comment on here so he knows what i am doing. i am not going to do anything without him say its ok or not ok. i was looking for advice

[CherylFlint]

Keep quiet, it’s none of their business anyway.

[mrsjbperry]

good grief nobody is understanding what i am saying. i am NOT trying to out my husband. all i am wanting is advice on how to let them know. THAT IS IN CASE THEY FIND OUT ON THERE OWN OR STOP BY UNEXPECTEDLY! i have let a few people know in my family with my husbands permission (not that i need it). and he didnt give me permission to tell anyone he told me to let certain ones know that he can trust with his life.there is one person that knows in my family that has turned against him and we did not see that coming. she could let it slip that he is a CD. that is all. i do not like the fact that i have been attacked or being accused of trying to hurt my husband. i have posted in the intro and re-intro part and everyone that has posted comments told me if i had questions or concerns to ask away and that is what i am doing. i have been attacked on this thread. everyone that has attacked me needs to go back and read the original post that started this thread. then you need to read what my husband jbperry posted as his comment. then you may understand what i am asking. thank you very freaking much!

[Karen_Ski]

Rather than worrying about telling them now handle the situation when it arises, the best laid plans of mice and men have a way of coming undone when the heat is on

[ErinSassyPants]

Mrsjbperry, I am fairly horrified by how you've been treated in this thread.

My suggestion is to do the stuff you need to do to in order to join us in the FAB forum and we can have a quiet respectful helpful thoughtful discussion of for instance what you might say if someone came to the door unexpectedly to find your husband dressed.

Not that there aren't CDs who might have some excellent advice because I know there are, but rather because it seems so many members had such intense reactions of their own they couldn't see what you were asking or that your husband is clearly not in the dark about this. That makes this thread difficult to have a thoughtful helpful discussion in.

Besides it would be wonderful to have you in there. (I'm going to feel silly if I go look now and you are already in there:) )

I'll think about if I have any helpful suggestions for you and I'll send you a private message.

[daviolin]

Let the sleeping dog lie. Treat it as a need to know basis. Daviolin

[Sandra]

Well I hope you are all happy with yourselves. We have a new GG here asking for advise which is very clear in the opening post, yet most of you haven't bothered to read the opening post correctly and just jumped in and bashed Mrsjbperry to the extent that she has let me know that she is thinking about not coming back, well round of applause to you all :Angry3:

[Julie York]

i have been sitting here thinking about how i could let my family know that my husband is CD. my mom and sisters and b-i-l know. along with an aunt. but not everyone knows that he is. i am afraid that my family will disown him. i love him no matter what. how do i let my family know that he likes to CD?

Whilst it is regrettable that Mrsjbperry has been misunderstood it is understandable how it came about if you read the original post.
"How do I let my family know that he likes to CD" is what people read. That's what they were responding to.

[ErinSassyPants]

Julie, can you clarify for me which part of that deserves to be yelled at? It seems to me that if someone posts something that people find objectionable they should take a moment to re-read it (for instance at least one person got angry with the OP because they thought she said his family, a second reading would have cleared that up).

Then if they are still thinking it's objectionable they should read the other posts (in this case the one by MRjbperry which clearly indicated he knew and ones by the OP clarifying) before yelling.

If they have reread the OP, and read through the comments and they still think someone is asking something awful it may be time to ask the OP if they mean what you think they mean.

Just a suggestion on how to deal with posts people find themselves having a strong reaction too in order to keep it respectful and thoughtful.

[suchacutie]

Wow. It seems that some of us have superimposed our own fears on the OP. Just goes to show how scary most people find this topic.

If you both feel it's important to get ahead of the curve, then I suggest you talk about it to small groups or even individually. I would explain that you just didn't want anyone caught unawares so thought it was better to bring up the lifestyle issue before that happens.

Treat it as no big deal, but that you didn't want any surprises.

You'll likely get questions, but then the ice is broken.

Best wishes.

[Julie York]

Julie, can you clarify for me which part of that deserves to be yelled at? .

Erin, the answers given were because they were answering the question which, in its original form, implied that the OP wanted to know how to tell her family that her partner was CD. It was only later that "in case he gets found out" was added to make it more clear.

People were just answering the original question "How do I let my family know that he likes to CD." Which is bound to generate some very animated responses, maybe even some 'yelling', because it reads like she was about to out her partner.
So it seems rather unfair to lambast folk as being uncaring or unpleasant when they were simply answering the question put to them. "How do I let my family know that he likes to CD."
If anyone had been rude or unkind AFTER the nature of the question became clear, then feel free to give them a kick up the backside.

[NicoleScott]

I'm glad to hear that whatever you do, it will be a joint decision with your husband. Although your question was "how do I tell", I'm in the "don't tell" camp. I have yet to see a compelling reason other than a preemptive explanation before unintentional discovery. Even then, and even with a close-knit family, I don't see why anyone needs an explanation of what goes on in the privacy for your own home. Lots of things are permitted/acknowledged/accepted as "bedroom fun" and details are not required.

[mariehart]

I do think people have jumped to conclusions about the OP's question. Bit of a classic internet moment, people seeing what they want to see and responding to that rather than the actual comments.

To directly answer the original question. I wouldn't tell anyone else in the family at all unless they really needed to know. To be honest even if one was to find out and confront you or your husband with it. I would be inclined to play it down and politely dismiss the issue. It is after all none of their business really. You don't really owe them a full explanation. It is a private matter after all. I certainly don't share any problems in my wife's family with my own family and believe me there are plenty. Certainly compared to some issues, like drugs, alcoholism, mental health, crime etc. You certainly wouldn't want to share any of those issues with certain family members. Crossdressing is a far more frivolous and harmless pastime. I think sometimes we invest too much drama in the mere act of dressing up.

In my own family, two of my sisters know and my brother. But not the other two sisters that I'm aware of. (Yes a big Irish family!!) They may have been told but as no one in my family addresses the issue at all. I can't be sure. Ironically the sister I'm closest to, doesn't know even though perhaps she would most understand. Something I find regrettable. However I don't think telling her now would be in any way helpful.

On the other hand my wife doesn't officially know but I think she either suspects it or has realised the truth even if again she doesn't address the issue. I also suspect one sister in law has worked it out. But again unless she brings up the subject I won't be telling her.

That's just my opinion. Essentially unless someone makes a big issue of it. I wouldn't discuss it at all. Even then I would play it down and politely remind them that it's a private matter and no big deal really. Which in truth it is. It's just another facet of our lives.

[Beverley Sims]

Do they need to know?
Why tell them.
It is part of your private life and no one needs to be privy to that.