After all these years I still feel guilty inside the closet.

[susan howard]

Why after all these years of dressing do I still feel guilty? Why have I been so torn in the past that I have thrown away hundreds of pounds worth of clothing, shoes, wigs and makeup thinking that I will be different from now on? I will join a Church group and put all this badness behind me only to be out at the shops the next day buying frocks and shoes and wigs and......
Does anyone identify? Does anyone have any answers?

[Wendy me]

hi it's something that we are led to belive is in some way wrong and sometimes we think that purgeing can fix that , be we all know sooner or latter we are back to doing it again .....truth once a cd always a cd....

[Nikki Dee]

Hi. Hun...I think the majority will recognise all that...to some extent or other we have all been there....but you must not equate dressing/TG with badness.!...If you want badness...real badness...then check out the television news/newspapers etc....what we do/feel/are is not badness my love...yes, it's different...yes, it's confusing and emotional...but I refuse ever to accept that it's bad.!!. I have come to accept, with the luxury of a supportive wife, what/who I am...without any guilt ...without apology. I am merely being the real me...and I can honestly say that I have never been happier...but it's a point only you can reach in your time. I'm sure you are a really lovely person...'cos I haven't yet met any other type of Tgirl...and that has to count for something.!!!!..Accept yourself first...then watch others join you.! Best of luck.!
Love nikki. xx

[susan howard]

Thank you for your thoughts and your kind words.

[susan howard]

Thankyou for your reply. I took this all the way to Charring Cross Gender Reassignment. They decided I was just an "ordinary cd". I had no end of sessions with the "experts". I long to be happy with my true self. To be honest with myself. I dress with my partner of eight years. She has been with me all the way but I know that she doesn't fully understand. So everything is very superficial and I still cannot truely be myself.
Sorry if this sounds a bit like a big moan but I rarely get a chance to share honestly.

[Kimberly]

After all these years I still feel guilty inside the closet.
Really? I just feel clostrophobic. Need......air........now.

Metaphorical air of course ;) I'm in perfect health.

[steph so 1999]

I grew up in the late 50's and the 60's.Talk about bias!
The problem you seem to have is letting go of your public personna.
Get some friends.Get some counseling.But above all,accept yourself.Love yourself.Or,no one else will.

[Julie York]

You are feeling the same as most of us have at some time. What is making you feel bad is not what you are actually doing, but the conflict it creates within yourself. If you have a strong desire, versus a strong guilt (caused be feeling it is a BAD thing) then that is what makes you feel so horrible and depressed and confused because the desire wins every time and 'makes' you do it. Yet you feel that you've done a bad thing, so you try to escape it by getting rid of the clothes etc.

Sadly, it is normal behaviour for a CD coming to terms with themselves. I am no expert as I am still not in control of my own demons, but I do know that when you come to understand that you are no more guilty of your feelings and desires than if you were colour blind, then you'll feel better about it all.

Good luck.
:thumbsup:

[ChristineRenee]

Why after all these years of dressing do I still feel guilty? Why have I been so torn in the past that I have thrown away hundreds of pounds worth of clothing, shoes, wigs and makeup thinking that I will be different from now on? I will join a Church group and put all this badness behind me only to be out at the shops the next day buying frocks and shoes and wigs and......
Does anyone identify? Does anyone have any answers?You are not bad and you are not wrong. No need to feel guilty or to feel any shame. Be true to who you are...different does not equal wrong. And when you get that urge to purge...just find a good secure place to store your clothes for awhile until the desire returns...and trust us here...it WILL return. And it's ok hon...you are who you are...be proud of that...always!;)

[connie rotten]

My only guilt was wearing clothes that did't belong to me . Once I started having my own women's clothes there was no gult.
As for me being in the closet being able to be the girl me on line has helped break the isolation. That use to be the bad thing about being closeted.
I've tossed out all my clothes at differant times over the years I'm not sure why other than they weren't what I realy wanted. They were more what I could come up with. The next shopping spree I'll take ny time ; I'll do better . Then it is the same stress to dress as before.:yt:

[Karren H]

I threw off all my guilt a couple years ago when i realized that Karren was a part of me that wasnt going away. And that I should not feel guilty for doing what makes me feel wonderful inside. Not guilt and no regrets except I wish I had started decades ago!!

Love Karren

[JennyCD]

I still struggle with those same feelings so I can't offer advice, only understanding. I would say all of us have experienced these same feelings. Some of us have managed to overcome them, some of us still struggle with them.

Some days I feel ok with it, some days I feel terrible about it. I think it's normal even if it's horrible.

[FionaAlexis]

Susan,

I can't say that I have ever felt guilty about dressing. I have felt anxious and frustrated about how others would view it especially family or employers - but somehow I always rationalised that as their problem not mine.

People often talk about accepting yourself as the forerunner to coming out - but I think it is just as much about feeling at ease and comfortable with yourself even if you simply dress privately and wish to continue to do so. You may be different but you are not bad.

For me the key is always about pride in appearance and positive female self image - and feeling that being TG is beyond the clothes.

Fiona xx