To become steel . . . .

[Anne2345]

Misty advised me recently, and rightfully so, that I need to "steel" myself. She also advised me that being a girl ain't for sissies.

Recent events have reinforced the wisdom of her words and experience.

I must steel myself further. This life is what this life is, and it isn't easy. But it is doable, and I can make much out of it, so I will do my best to do so.

Whining, complaining, and crying about things just doesn't work. So **** it all. The things that I can control, I shall strive to do so. The things that I cannot control, I will roll with the punches, deal with it, and move on as best I can. As for everything else - just **** it all. Whatever.

My mind and heart will become the steel that it so needs to be to make this work. And believe me, I want this to work. I need it to work.

I never thought that I would find motivation in a speech given by Rocky Balboa (lol), but this short video pumps me up every time I listen to it, fwiw.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N-c8MIFvaI&feature=player_embedded

[Jorja]

I wish I had been the one to give you that advice but Misty is correct. After you have learned to "steel" yourself then you need to learn how to become caring and compassionate and still have the steel. Ol' Rocky is a big pussycat by the way.

[melissaK]

I would suggest you have always liked this because in your heart you knew you would need it someday. There's a little Rocky Balboa in us all.

So since you run, you know those steps he runs up in the movie, they're in Phillie. I think they're the Museum of Art steps. Drive there some day and run them. You won't be the first or last to run them and act like a goof at the top. It's exhilarating.

[arbon]

transitioning

I did find I was much tougher than I ever thought I was capable of being.
I learned a lot about detaching from other people, detaching with love
I learned a lot about being patient
a lot about taking care of myself

Its going to change you a lot to.


In 12 step recovery groups they have the serenity prayer - its a lot like what you wrote about what you can control.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

I used that prayer a lot because there were so many things that were outside of my control that I needed to let go of.

[KellyJameson]

To a point I agree or the wounds others inflict on you could kill you even if this is done by your own hands or by giving up on life by sliding into apathy.

You do not want to be destroyed by the wounds inflicted on you.

BUT.....

You have a high emotionality that is very similar to my own but what separates us is I'm naturally introverted and you are naturally extroverted and this calls to temperament and has nothing to do with gender but you express yourself very much like a extroverted woman of high emotion.

I fear that if you force this to go quiet you could actually kill an aspect of your female self.

The challenge is to keep this but channel it as a creative force in your life just as any woman needs to learn.

Part of what you share here on the forum is the scream of anguish that comes out of all that is "being transsexual" and is certainly better than escaping into a world of self destruction in all the many ways we can harm ourselves.

The danger for the transsexual is we often feel "unlovable and unloved" because we are never seen by others.

Our parents never see us.

Our friends never see us.

Strangers never see us.

Simply because we cannot be seen as our gender so remain unseen and also restricted to live as we know ourselves to be and also restricted to live as that "becoming" that is partially dependent on living your true gender that is bound up with our bodies.

One danger to transsexuals is we look for love in all the wrong places so we frantically go from person to person to get what we need that by our circumstances is also prevented from being given to us.

I call this existential loneliness and its expression of existential angst.

In my opinion it is important to understand that being transsexual traps you in a continuous existential crisis until it is resolved by transitioning to the degree you need to transition.

This existential crisis almost guarantees your life will be filled with unhealthy patterns of relating to others, particularly co-dependent relationships.

It is not only repairing the body but healing the way we relate to others that must be addressed because of the consequences of being transsexual.

Being transsexual places us on the path of trying to fix our own self loathing through demanding others love us. We can easily fall victim to frantically trying to be noticed because we do not exist except when people are noticing us because we are psychologically locked out of having a relationship with ourselves so when alone we feel a deep empty void and emptiness.

This comes right out of the existential crisis caused by the separation between mind (brain) and body

All human beings are born into an existential crisis that they solve, but we can never solve it because of the split between body and mind we live with.

This causes a type of frantic living filled with depression, anxiety and emotional hunger from the huge emptiness we feel on the inside.

The only way besides transitioning that I know how to solve this is to go inward as a voyage into self while transitioning to the degree you need to.

You must walk two paths simultaneously.

As an extrovert you are vulnerable to avoiding going inward because you are more comfortable trying to get what you need from others to repair the pain (emptiness) that you are in.

In my opinion transitioning is not only physical but spiritual but the spiritual path is more comfortable for introverts.

As you see the truth that the emptiness inside you has been created by being born transsexual and you are living an unresolved existential crisis that leaves a void within, you will see that others can never fill this void but only you by the personal relationship you have with yourself.

An existential crisis is a problem of value as "love" but being transsexual leaves you feeling valueless because you are locked out of discovering you so discovering your value so you turn to others for love as the scream of "please see me" (please love me)

I hope you continue to share your anguish because it is therapeutic for you and it also shows others they are not alone in their pain but also I hope you go inward to find the self you do not yet know as your "value" independent of all others.

This is an intensely personal exercise and experience almost as if two people live inside you who fall in love with each other.

It is your soul finding your heart and they both fall in love with each other.

This will take you out of the emptiness of the existential crisis you are living and your relations with others will dramatically change because you will not approach them in hunger anymore.

You are a very smart and strong woman Anne. This is a very difficult journey but I know you can do it.

Stay true to yourself. Stay emotional because you will lose a precious part of you otherwise.

[MysticLady]

Hi Anne, I'm very impressed. Very Good. Time to Rock and Roll. I'm glad to see your around, squirrely girl. :hugs: I enjoy your posts(since you never respond to my PM's:sad:) Anyway, You go Girl.....I'm sorry, I just had to say that:heehee::hugs:

[Debglam]

A sign hanging in one of the schools I attended in the military read "Adversity Tempers Steel" and over the years this has become one of a couple of phrases that are core to who I am. While our experiences are different I have taken my share of lumps and every blow has made me a stronger person. I'll add that as hard as I have become, I haven't lost the ability to empathize with others. When you become steel, it is easy to also become an a$$hole. Don't let that happen to you.

I hope that the necessity to steel yourself is small, but that you can harden your spirit without losing your heart!

Debby

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, you surely must "steel" yourself. That is totally understandable and a life saving activity for us. What you cannot and must not do is lose your malleability. Like the willow tree, you still must be able to bend and shape yourself without becoming too brittle. Even the tallest of steel buildings sway several feet with the winds. The key is knowing when to resist, and when to shape yourself. One thing, girl, you are a survivor.

Barbara

[gonegirl]

Anne, when I read your OP it reminded me of a mindset that I used in martial arts training that can be applied to life in general. "Inside you are steel, outside you are wrapped in cotton wool". As others have mentioned, remember to keep your softness as you toughen your resolve.

We are here for you.

[Angela Campbell]

I always described my Grandmother as having an iron fist, covered in velvet. I wish I could be like her. She was so soft, so sweet, so loving, but was not bendable in the slightest.