More than just a closeted gay crossdresser - your feedback appreciated

[michelle33]

Hi All,

I've been doing some real hard thinking this last while and have I have been both asking myself tough questions and making honest observations about life to date. The result, I think there's more going on that I thought and if I'm honest with myself I think that perhaps I am a lot more female than I perhaps admitted. Based on the evidence, I think I've been kidding myself and am now going to start therapy. Some observations and facts below:

I can still clearly remember being 9 years old and seeing my first lingerie catalogue and the reaction I had. Just looking at the ladies, I wanted to wear that stuff too.

My first sexual encounter was with a boy a year older than me and I immediately assumed the girl role and later would wear panties (stolen from a laundry hamper) anytime we made out.

Even back then once we got over the fooling around, I wanted to spend more time kissing and I wanted him to hold my hand.

Whilst during my late teens and twenties I had lots of boy-girl relationships, I never really enjoyed the sex and definitely the older I got the less I wanted to use my tool.

During most of my sexual interactions with a girl, I wanted to be her, I wanted to be pleasured by me (as a girl) pleasing a guy.

The more I reflect on this and particularly over the last few years in short-term relationships with girls, I really have no interest in them either touching my tool or be using it.

When I watch a movie, just any regular movie and there's a bedroom scene with a beautiful girl, I don't think 'Lucky Him' being with her. I think lucky her, I wish that was me.

I cry and or am on the brink of crying when I watch a tearjerker movie - just a like a girl - or anything that's emotive.

I've never gone away on a 'boys weekend'.

I've never played team sports and from the age of 12, I always hated/feared the locker room (I was a late developer).

I've had many encounter with guys (some repeat) over the years and I've always dressed or partially dressed and never allow them touch my tool.

I've met many pre-op TS escorts and again I do so because I'm in awe of them. I want to be just like them.

Or at least I thought I did, until recently I started to think that given how little I use my tool or touch it (when I do want to orgasm I do so through penetration), that perhaps I would have SRS down the line if I do transition - that's a thought that I thought was alien to me but again upon honest introspection it's not alien. In fact over the last period, I am pretty much tucking 24/7 and remember I'm still in the closet.

As I sit here typing this in the early evening (GMT) in my tank top, bra, breast forms, leggins and ballet pumps...I feel so comfortable and right. It pains me that I can't walk out the door like this as again it just feels so me.

I've just redone my bedroom in satins, pinks, glass and silver ornaments and it too just feels so right. I love spending time in there just reading or lounging. I've some scented candles and it's just real relaxed zone of peace.

I work in a very Male dominated environment, I'm perceived by friends and family as a ladies man. Since my last LTR, I've been single now for almost 4 years. (I'm 37). I flirt with some girls when I'm out and collect a phone number but never go beyond a bit of texting.

The last time I had sex with a girl was 9 months ago and I didn't enjoy it.

Before that it was almost 2 years.

I've never been out dressed - not in my city at least as it's small and I know a lot of people. There is a CD/Tranny get together at the weekends in a club and as much as I want to go (and I will in September) - it's not just about going to a club, I want to go for coffee dressed, do my shopping dressed, go for walks, go to the gym in cute gym gear and not 'man gear'.

I'm not socialising near as much as I used to as I'd prefer to be at home dressed the way I want to be.

Anyway all of what I've wrote above is something that I'm only really acknowledging and admitting to myself. Obviously I've been aware of all of the above, but I've probably always looked at it in silos and not as a whole. As I said I'm 37 now and am thinking what's the point of carrying on like this - wouldn't I be better to confirm all of this and the fact that I'd be happier as a woman and as tough as it will be - make a change - a BIG change! So hence, I'm going to go to therapy - which I think is the right next step?

The alternative is to pretend to be a guys' guy, have no intimate relationship and pretend to have it all figured out.

Thanks for listening.

Michelle

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Michelle! After reading all that you've said, I think you're doing the right thing by starting to talk to a therapist. Start there but do find a gender therapist because it seems like you "might" be truly TS after all you've said. I can relate to many of your feelings. First of all you may find the need to be comfortable with yourself and your relationships. If you don't feel comfortable as a male but more comfortable as being female, well, that's an indicator and a starting point for you to explore what would be right for you. Learn all you can from the many posts here too. The big question you might want to ask yourself is, "Can I live 24/7/365 as a woman?" Here is where you could clear up any doubt with the right therapist.

I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes, and never hesitate to dump your thoughts and feelings here.

Cheryl Ann

[Princess Grandpa]

Michelle:

I am so happy for you. Coming to accept the reality that I was a cross dresser has been such an amazingly liberating experience. I can only imagine how much more profound it would be for you right now. I am pleased to see your thought process as it demonstrates an intellectual approach as well as emotional.

I know the path your choosing is not an easy one. But let's be honest. You didn't choose this path as much as it chose you! You "merely" had the courage and presence of mind to accept and embrace it.

Hug
Rita

[LilSissyStevie]

When you cut through all the BS surrounding gender and sexuality, there's only one thing, as far as I can tell, that separates TS from CD - Gender Identity. You either believe you are a woman or you don't. You might want to be a woman, or you think that you are more like your idea of a woman than your idea of a man or you just don't like being a man, or something like that. Maybe being a feminine man isn't one of the acceptable choices for you. But those things are different from "being" a woman. Only you can decide which it is for you. For me, after a lot of soul searching, I realized that I'm just some kind of a pansy and I'm OK with that.

[michelle33]

Thanks Cheryl Ann,

A very sincere note. You're right, the 24/7/365 is a big question indeed and one I am and will give a lot of thought to.

M

Princess Grandpa, Well, we'll see. One thing to write how I feel - another to embrace it...but I'm hoping. Thanks for feedback.

M

LilSissyStevie,

To the point and very true. You may well be right but I just don't know and so I think it's worth trying to find out with some professional help.

M

[Sabrina133]

Hi Michelle, Its nice to meet you and welcome. A few of the ladies have stated, correctly, that a key to happiness is self acceptance. Its good that you are beginning to accept who you are. You sound very much like me. I wish you well. Feel free to me PM me if you wish to talk more in depth.

Hugs
Bree

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Hi Michelle! I hope I was of some help. The greatest part of your message came through with your honesty not ony to those of us on this forum, but more importantly to yourself. That's where growth begins and you have the opportunity to take your life wherever you feel. It took me awhile to acknowledge and accept who I am. I'd say one of the good things is that you have not suppressed your fellings and tried to compensate by getting married and/or having children. This is where it can get ugly. You have the freedom to explore, so do just that. BTW, I saw your profile pic and I'd say without a doubt that physically you would be indestinguishable from any other woman. If this is what you truly want, don't let anyone stop you! Live your life!

Cheryl

[Stevie]

I never really had a male role model growing up. A lot of things you said sound similar. But in the end I'm still the same guy and don't want to change that. I enjoy dressing and wish I can share it with everyone. My feelings and emotions are more feminine than manly. Going to the therapist is a good start. They can help you.

[mariehart]

Hi Michelle, reading your post gave me goosebumps as so much of it could have been written by me. I suggest you look seriously at going for counselling if for not no other reason than it's good to talk to someone. I didn't even though I looked into it. Things have improve here in Ireland in recent years and there is help.

This is not the way to go:
The alternative is to pretend to be a guys' guy, have no intimate relationship and pretend to have it all figured out.
Believe me I tried it. Incidentally you might find that many of your co workers and friends have already figured you out. I was surprised when I finally came out to some was that they already figured it out, although they assumed I was gay. In fact it turned out that most people around me thought I was probably gay but not out. So facing up to it may not be as bad as you think.

[TeresaCD]

HI Michelle. Tough place to be in.
Therapy might be a good next step.
TG support group perhaps too (near you), where you might be able to explore getting out and about?
It does change things, in my experience.
And, you would be (more than likely) unrecognisable as your male self (most of us are)
And, I have learned to, gender and sexuality are not the same thing.
Take care, keep exploring

[Beverley Sims]

Michelle,
You may be gay or even transgendered.
Therapy may help you decide this one or even relationships with people you befriend.

[Sephina]

Hi Michelle, i dont know that i am nessecarily qualified to answer your question, since i havent been long in the community myself, however since you did ask for my input directly. I will try and answer as best i can to what i know from my own experience with life in general. Honestly to me it sounds like you are TS, you seem to exibit alot of the very same (if not very similar) aspects that that many other ladies here have dealt with in life, including myself. I know that for me this has been an on going issue i havent ever had any male erotic encounters as i am not attracted to men, however you seem to share alot of aspects that i also have and that i have seen is failry common for TS people. Please keep in mind though that seeking a therapist is a good idea if not a gender therapist, they will definatly be able to help you in your search for answers. I dont think that any one of our experiences is going to be eactly the same, but ultimatley its you and you alone that can make the call weither or not you are or are not TS/TG.

[Tina B.]

Many think they are CD, and there not, Many think they are TS, and find out they aren't that either. Therapy is mandatory before transition for a reason.
Many of us have fantasies, and that is all they are, some of us have longings, true needs. unfortunately its not always easy to figure out alone, sounds like you are trying hard to understand yourself, and a therapist can help you find the true course for you, and eliminate some of the false paths we can get off on.
It's best to be as sure as possible before making that final step, so go all the way over, just to find they didn't belong on that side after all, and for others, even with the hardships it's worth every bit of trouble to get there. Keep an open mind, start therapy and just see where it takes you, if it is for you, you will get there eye's wide open!