Coming out to family and/or young children

[Windy]

Hey all,

There's some exciting news from me: after years of waiting, I'll finally be on hormones in the next few months. I don't plan to go full time for a long while, but it'll happen. I'm worried about it though. I haven't yet spoken to my parents about it. My mother knows I "dress in women's clothes" but I haven't told her anything else (in fact I felt pressurised to tell her I wasn't going to vaguely mutter that I wasn't wanting to become a woman, whoops) and my father knows nothing.

I can't imagine either of them would disown me, but they (esp. mum) have a tendency to take "worrying about me" to mean "worrying about my choices in life and constantly bringing up subjects that I've made my decision over and are not open for discussion". It's infuriating to be treated like a child in some areas, and especially so because I know I'm a disorganised person who often needs a push to get going--but that shouldn't be a push towards something I don't want at all.

More to the point, I have three younger siblings (7 to 16). I doubt they'd reject me either, but I don't know what to say to them: like with my parents, I need to show them that this isn't a joke. I doubt they'll do anything less than mean well, but still, I'm afraid that they'll "blab" to their friends that I'm a transsexual, which will pull up a whole lot of stereotypes about me that I'd rather people didn't think. I'm a person, not a freak.

I don't have much choice in these matters either: I'll be living in my mother's house next year due to financial problems.

[dreamer_2.0]

Holy crap. It's like looking in a mirror. Our situations are practically identical except I have two older siblings, both married with kids...oh, and you're cuter. ;)

[kellypm]

windy

as a wife of a transexual i think the best thing you can do to help your family with this change is to be honest with them as soon as possible, you may not want to hear this and i dont mean to be hard on you.
i know how hard it is to be honest with the people that know you and love you the most, if your about to start hormones then i really really think you need to tell them before your body starts changing, wouldnt you hate it if they found your tablets or noticed the hint of a boob and you were forced to tell them in a tense situation and personally for me i think trying to take in the situation and then being told your also on hormones might be a bigger deal all in one go than telling them first at least about the TS.

You say that you cant imagine they would disown you which is FAB so can i ask whats holding you back?? apart from an obviously difficult uncomfortable conversation?? its going to be tough and akward whenever you do it.

we have two small children as well and the youngest 2 has no real idea at all but our eldest 6 knows whats going on and just accepts it as the way it is i think he especially has handled it much better than i have.

i hope you find the courage to tell your family, you found it to finally accept who you really are and you were honest with yourself your family deserve your honesty too they cant share/support this with you if you dont involve them.

Kelly

[Ariamythe]

I can sympathize. My parents live out of town, but they're coming for a two week visit soon and I have no idea how I'm going to handle the situation. My mother "knows" in general, but she is of the impression that this is something I'm seeing a therapist for and am not actually acting upon. How do I tell her that I grocery shop every week as Ali? How do I explain the red marks of the electrolysis on my face? Or do I just not have appointments those two weeks? ANd don't even get me started on the kids ...

In your situation, you'll definitely need to let them know how far you've gone and are going; living with them, there's no way to hide it unless you want to put everything on hold (you don't). Especially the hormones; they have to know, because there are medical complications that can arise and you want them to be able to tell the paramedics all the relevant information about your health and meds if you suddenly collapse one night. [Not trying to be a pessimist, just thinking about worst case scenario.]

[I Am Paula]

Good thread. I'm out, so family and friends aren't an issue, but, my five year old nephew has never seen me since I went full time. Any ideas how to handle this coming Christmas are gratefully accepted. I can't imagine going drab at this point (makes fake vomiting motions).
Cancel Christmas is also not an option. Thanks

[donnalee]

The thing of it is, you're still their kid, no matter how old you get. I realize that it is an uncomfortable situation, but if you're going to do this while under their roof, they need to know. The other choice is to move to a more accepting environment where you can do what you want. It's amazing what you can do if you have to; don't underrate yourself.

[Ariamythe]

I'm out, so family and friends aren't an issue, but, my five year old nephew has never seen me since I went full time. Any ideas how to handle this coming Christmas are gratefully accepted.
If his parents know and are accepting of it, then you must get them to sit down with him ahead of time and explain things in a kid-friendly way. Sending a tasteful picture or two so he can see you ahead of time will probably help. Or, arrange to visit / see the nephew before Christmas, so that he gets acclimated before the big family event. Either way, I agree -- going drab is not an acceptable option.

[I Am Paula]

Thanks Ali, His parents have already offered to do that. He's smart as hell, and very open to new things. His mother still forgets not to call me uncle, at 55. My chuckle this week was when he asked my sister (his grandmother) 'What are breasts'. My sister explained, and he replied 'Oh, the same as boobs!'.

[TeresaL]

Lets have a coming out party. LOL.
I'm thinking about coming out in person at Thanksgiving, and have grandkids 3 and 7 who don't know. The adults all know, but haven't seen me in preferred gender.

I'm already feeling awkward about it.

[Jorja]

I work with an organization that works with teen tg/ts. The following is mainly for dealing with parents but it will work for the entire family.

Relax and take a deep breath. Coming out to family is one of the hardest most frightening things we do as transsexuals. The possible reactions to such news seem endless in our minds. If you are truly serious about transition, coming out to family is something that just can’t be avoided.

First, realize that your parents come from a very different time than you do. The world and its views were much different as they were growing up. While people like us (TG/TS) have been around as long as the human race has been around, it has not been a subject that is widely accepted or know about. In many places it was still illegal for a man to wear a dress in his own home until the late 1980’s. Then there is the religious aspect to consider. Even in today’s more accepting society TG/TS people are looked upon as an abomination. However, in some branches of religion we are gaining some ground.

Next, it is important to know that mothers are usually more understanding and compassionate than fathers. This isn’t always the case but more often than not a mother will accept and try to understand her child before a father will. It may help to come out to just your mother first then have her help you tell your father.

You do not have to go into a full detailed explanation at this point. You simply need to inform them you plan to transition from one gender to the other. You need to be prepared to answer their questions on a very basic level and tell them if they want to know more you would be happy to talk with them on an individual basis at a later time. Then you had better have answers.

Your parents will naturally follow the long-established patterns of dealing with you -- saying no, scolding, or threatening punishment. These first reactions could even extend to vowing to cut you out of their will, or threatening to withdraw their love in some way. However, if you are prepared for the worst, then these threats will not work. Show them you have grown up and are able to handle this on your own if need be. You are standing on your own feet. No matter what the cost, you will have made a major step toward being in control of your life and yourself. When they realize that they can no longer control your life, they will most often relent and accept you as you are. It may take them a little while to come to terms with the changes in your relationship. Give them all the time they need. Remember that you needed time to be able to gain the courage to confront the issue yourself. Offer them time to think about it. When they are ready and willing to discuss the issue further, be available to do so.


Many parents go through a grieving process for the relationship that they are losing. Your parents may find it very hard to accept the change. They've been used to the old ways longer than you have. They may greet the news with silence, a form of denial, or may simply decline to talk about it any further. On the other hand, your folks may surprise you and be far more receptive and supportive than you expect. There are those rare parents who have built their parent/child relationship on unconditional love (we'll love you no matter what), rather than conditional love (we'll love you if you live up to our expectations). You should be aware of the possibility that your parents may not be in total control of their own lives or selves. Your parents may fear what the neighbors, relatives, and friends will think of them because of your situation. Your parents may need to build their own self-esteem and take control of their own lives, just as you've had to do with yours.

Keep your options open. Few parents are willing to lose contact with their children, and in time they will come around to accepting the changes in you and the changes in your relationship with them. Remember, change is always difficult, particularly where emotions are involved. It requires giving up familiar ways of doing things. Even if the old ways didn't work and weren't honest, they were comfortable. But the old ways must go to make way for new ones. Sometimes, the scary part is that you may not know what the new ways of relating to your parents are yet, and since you know the old ways so well, it may feel safer and less risky to keep them but you must move on forward.

Once an open dialog is started with parents, it is easy to keep it that way. The benefits can be enormous. You can begin to relate to each other as real human beings. You learn new things about each other and you may find a depth of love and feeling that you never knew was there.

From my own experience, there are a few things that you can count on. Someone, at least one, is going to be upset with your decision. At least one will say, it’s about time. The rest of them won’t understand what you are babbling on about. Do not worry if anyone or even if they all react badly. Their reaction is not what this is about. You telling them is what it is about and you will have done that. You can work on relationships later. Now it is time to work on you and this is part of that work.

As for young kids, anyone much under 10 years old is too young to fully understand but you are going to need to make them comfortable with the new you. You tell them in simple basic terms and let them know you love them and they can talk to you at any time if something is bothering them about it.

[DebbieL]

Hey all,

There's some exciting news from me: after years of waiting, I'll finally be on hormones in the next few months.

That's wonderful! Congratulations! I wish I could have transitioned when I was your age (or younger). Unfortunately, until I was 30, a doctor could lose hospital priviledges, and even his license if he assisted a transition. I didn't find out about the clinic in Trinidad Colorado until I was 35. Prior to that, the "treatment" was often electro-shock and if that didn't work, a lobotomy. My mom had been through shock therapy and would have done anything to protect me from that.

My dad even told me he was "75% female", based on a personality test he had taken in college. He had been through the bullying as a kid, and wanted to spare me that pain if he could.

In the USA, the Psychiatric and Psychology associations have now stated that it is UNETHICAL for a therapist to try and push a transsexual to accept their birth gender. Much of this is a direct result of research and surveys of over 120,000 transgendered people, MtF and FtM. Half the respondents had tried to commite suicide using methods that SHOULD have killed them (based on patterns, that would put the suicide rate (those who actually died) at 50%. 96% of those who completed transition were happy, healthy, and productive, even successful in their new gender roles.


I don't plan to go full time for a long while, but it'll happen. I'm worried about it though.

It will happen sooner than you think. Once you start hormones, it will gradually get harder to hide the "side effects".


I haven't yet spoken to my parents about it. My mother knows I "dress in women's clothes" but I haven't told her anything else

Your mother probably knows more than you think. My mother knew a LOT! She refused to talk to me about it, or acknowledge it, but she knew I was "dressing up" when I'd be locked in the bathroom for an hour. She made my bed so she knew about my "stash" between the mattresses, and found my larger stash in my closet a year later. She also tucked me in when I had fallen asleep wearing a teddy or nightie. She let me do more housework, teaching me to cook, vacuum, do laundry, sew, knit, and crochet. I was such a good "housewife" that she could get a job and work. She would take me shopping with her and let me pick out clothes. Often, after wearing them 2-3 times, she would put them in the "charity pile" which meant I could "borrow" them. She even bought a pair of boots, even though she couldn't wear them. In the summer, I would spend much of the day dressed up. Mom even got a wig (to cover up a bad dye job), that she only wore for a few weeks, but kept on the dresser. By the time I was 11, we were the same size, and I really hoped that I would somehow become a woman.

The irony is that I thought I had fooled everyone! When I finally "came out" to my family - meeting them at a restaurant as Debbie, NOBODY was surprised. My sister said "I always thought of you as my older sister", by brother said "I knew there was something different". My mom said "I wish we could have talked about this sooner". My father had a harder time he was "I was hoping you wouldn't be like me, and I really can't deal with this". He was impressed that, after talking with me as Debbie for about 30 minutes, I seemed more honest, more "real" than I ever did as Rex. When he was about to die he said "If I don't give you anything else, I want you to be yourself", I asked if he really meant that, and he said yes. I had taken some Debbie clothes with me, and I changed into them, and stayed with him. At one point, he saw me and thought I was my mother, coming to take him home. He wanted to know how I had learned to take such good care of him. In the last week of his life, my father finally got to know who I really was, and he loved me more than ever for it.


(in fact I felt pressurised to tell her I wasn't going to vaguely mutter that I wasn't wanting to become a woman, whoops) and my father knows nothing.

If she has even an inkling, she has probably done some research. For decades, books on transgender and transsexual experience were almost non-existent. Until the 1990s, books and periodicals were only available in adult bookstores. In the mid-1980s, Tri-ESS members communicated with each other via usenet newsgroups, which later became part of the Internet. They worked very hard to protect the ability to communicate and ability to distribute and obtain information about issues like this. The transgender discussion was expanded, and distinguished, providing language to the work of Harry Benjamin, and often contradicting his early papers. For many of us, Internet communication was our ONLY source of information for a LONG time.

These days, books can be ordered via Amazon, there are paper-backs, and Oprah Winfry's Network has aired many outstanding shows on the subject. Since your mother knows you like to "dress up", she has probably paid extra close attention to this information. Your denial may have even caused more concern than if you had been honest.


I can't imagine either of them would disown me, but they (esp. mum) have a tendency to take "worrying about me" to mean "worrying about my choices in life and constantly bringing up subjects that I've made my decision over and are not open for discussion".

You SHOULD seek therapy with a gender identity therapist if you have not done so already. He or she can help you get past a number of issues she will be aware of, and she can give you exercises that will help you transition more comfortably and effectively. When I started transition the first time, my therapist would send me on weekly assignments, and within a couple of months, I was comfortable living 128 - (all but 40 hours/week at work). I lost one job, but he gave me assignments in how to signal to employers that I was femme, and the result was that I ended up in a company that was run by women who would have LOVED the fact that I wanted to transition.


It's infuriating to be treated like a child in some areas, and especially so because I know I'm a disorganised person who often needs a push to get going--but that shouldn't be a push towards something I don't want at all.

With a little parental support, you might find that you will be supported in transitioning faster, not slower. My therapist bottom lined it for my first wife. He told her that I was transsexual, that if I were forced to stay in my male form, I would probably end up killing myself. He knew that I had already tried numerous times, and some SHOULD have killed me. Since she was not a lesbian, she started having an affair, and when I was sure he wouldn't "flake out", I gave her a divorce so she could marry him.


More to the point, I have three younger siblings (7 to 16). I doubt they'd reject me either, but I don't know what to say to them: like with my parents, I need to show them that this isn't a joke. I doubt they'll do anything less than mean well, but still, I'm afraid that they'll "blab" to their friends that I'm a transsexual, which will pull up a whole lot of stereotypes about me that I'd rather people didn't think. I'm a person, not a freak.

Your therapist will help you through this as well. Much of what you will need to do is learn to dress to "blend", dressing like the other girls your age, in your area, and in your culture. As you gain experience, doing the assignments, you will eventually be able to go anywhere and be seen as nothing other than another girl, a nice girl, who won't even be noticed most of the time.

They might even start introducing you to their friends as their sister. These days, schools have diversity programs, and the result has been that young people are much more accepting than they used to be.

Better to share the news yourself than to let others leak it out. They might deny it, making things harder for them when you do come out.

My son was 10 years old when my ex-wife told him. She was hoping he would hate me. Instead he was mad at her because he didn't see it as that big a problem. My daughter often asked for "motherly advice" and can't wait for "Grandma Debbie to take Katie Shopping" (my granddaughter really loves being girly and the accessories).


I don't have much choice in these matters either: I'll be living in my mother's house next year due to financial problems.

One more reason to let her know. She might even be a good mother and keep you from going out dressed like a **** (which will get you way too much of the wrong kind of attention - you need to BLEND). If you're lucky, she might even teach you how to act like a lady too, learning to sit, walk, and gesture like a woman instead of a man. She might even help you practice while you are in drab (DRessed As Boy) mode.

This isn't to say there won't be some bumps, and maybe even so drama. Change scares everybody, and you want to make a really BIG change. If she hasn't done any research, she probably will, and if you have a gender therapist, she will want to talk with her to better understand.

Once your mother realizes that you have a "condition" that, untreated, has a 60-75% chance of being fatal, and that with some pills, and maybe some surgery, you have a 96% chance of a complete recovery and a healthy, happy, productive life. Do you really think she would allow you to die of cancer? Diabetes?
Even Alcoholism or Drug Addiction?

Why do you think she would risk your LIFE to try and force you to remain in a body you hate, when it's so easy to fix it?

You've gotten some wonderful feedback from many wonderful women in this thread, and you want to consider everything they have shared as gifts from the heart. I'd also suggest messaging jorja directly.

[Jorja]

I just want to make it clear, I am not a doctor, therapist, or counselor. I am a volunteer. I am just a woman that has personal experience walking that dark and sometimes scary path known as transition. Sometimes, a teen wants someone with personal experience. They tend to feel more comfortable and really open up and become more receptive to the help being offered.