coming out in work?

[Georgie]

This has prob been asked about a thousand times but just wondering how you came out in work and if people treated you differently etc afterwards.

Like when its time for me to come out, the thought of just walking into the canteen fills me with dread :(

I work in a factory with a mostly male work force. We wear a uniform so its not like I will be working in heels and a skirt lol.

x

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Georgie, when I came out in Brighton, we had a whole plan worked out with my HR department, but I actually spoke individually to each member of the team that I work in to explain what was happening to me and to answer their questions. On "The Day" my Team leader and the Team Leader of the department next to mine with whom we have a fair bit of interaction read out a prepared statement and made printed FAQs available to anyone who wanted them.

Yes, people treated me differently because they accepted that I am a woman. Prior to the start of my RLE, very few women in other teams even looked at me, but afterwards quite a few came up to talk just like they would with any other new woman in the office. The blokes made the effort to refer to me by my name rather than his and to use the correct gender. We continued to have very much the same working relationship and to be relaxed in each other's company on staff social events. The main difference I have found is that at events like the Xmas Party, women come up to chat whereas before it might have been just the odd bloke.

I realise that I have been very lucky in this respect.

[sandra-leigh]

I never formally came out at my (now former) workplace; I just drifted further and further over the line. If anyone was bothered, they didn't mention it to me. On the other hand, my long-standing good relationship with my boss seemed to evaporate: I think he was bothered and didn't know how to react -- but to be honest, he was always weak at reconciling human interactions.

Did my relationships at work change? Difficult to say. Before I started more visibly transitioning, I had not been popular (I had been the person assigned to enforce the rules), so when very few people were interested in talking friendly to me, it was nothing new. I did get the impression that my changes contributed to some of the people fading away as friendly acquaintances. But I was never razed about it, and only one person ever asked me about it (I did want her to know.)

Perhaps matters would have been easier socially if I had specifically come out, but I have doubts it would have made much net difference. I might have been asked along for lunch with a couple of (older) women, but at the same time there was at least one woman whom I think would have been actively repulsed at seeing me. (She wasn't conservative or religious or "naturally unfriendly", but the more visibly I transitioned the more uncomfortable she become in my presence, as if she found me somehow "perverted". Transphobia I guess.)

[emma5410]

I came out in two big meetings. One of all the women so they could discuss the toilet situation afterwards. The other of all the men. The women were amazing and gave me a round of applause. The men just stared at me. I work for a software company that has a zero tolerance to harassment. They had also made sure that people understood that gender was now a protected characteristic.
People have treated me exactly the same. It as if nothing has happened and I am still a man. The exception is that the women are friendlier. One woman who basically ignored me now chats happily. One very religious man did have a problem but we had an amicable exchange of views and agreed to respect each other. Since then he has been great. No problem at all. I admit I found it odd that no one asked me any questions or seemed to react to the change. It was hard to know what people were really thinking and it bothered me for a long time. Now I do not care. I am just being me and if anyone has a problem then it is their problem not mine.
I am not sure I would want to do it a male dominated environment. The company I work for has several women in senior positions. They are all very strong and capable women and, even when I was a man, I never heard a sexist comment.

[groove67]

I came out 3 years ago and in a office and wear dresses an skirts everyday. Has not been a problem for me. In todays world people understand more than you think

[Georgie]

See when I first started working at my place at work about 8 years agoa girl just came out as trans and the amount of people I heard laugh and talk behind her back was a disgrace, even now after she left about 6 years ago they still joke and laugh about her. So I know what its like at the other side of the fence :/.

[Katelyn B]

I came out at work in a very planned manner.

Initially, I arranged a chat with the HR manager and explained to her the situation and my goals (transition in the workplace within X amount of time). After that coming out she asked for a few days to do some reading, after which we had another meeting where she felt more comfortable with being "up to speed" on things. She asked me if I minded her making her own manager aware of the situation, which I didn't, and we then progressed to hashing out a plan as to how the rest of the company would find out and when "the change" would occur.

I came out to my actual manager after that, telling him in person in an informal chat, that allowed him to have a talk with the HR manager and sort things out. Apart from that the big plan was basically on a Monday morning the HR lady would go around and gather up individual teams of people and bring them to a room, where they would be told what was going on, that I'd be there to answer any questions (there were none :) ), and she'd do that till everyone knew. This wasn't the brightest thing in the world with hindsight as nothing gets rumours flying about an office like HR taking groups of people into a room, then having them emerge having been told they can't talk about what was said. I worked the Tuesday & Wednesday after we'd had the big coming out day in order to give people a chance to ask questions (again none, though did get people come up and offer support). As agreed with HR, after that I had the Thursday, Friday and subsequent Monday and Tuesday off as annual leave, then came in on the Wednesday as Katelyn, which was about a year and a half ago now.

Do people treat me differently, I don't know, my opinion is still respected and I still get to pretty much do what I want, but I'm on a small team with little oversight and a great deal of leeway, so it's expected we're self sufficient and motivated and "good" at what we do. I have better relationships with the other women in the office now, in that we actually chat and talk. Though there are some people who you can kinda tell aren't "OK" with it and essentially blank you 99% of the time. I'm sure after coming out I was a hot topic of gossip, both good and bad, for a while, but that's to be expected. After so long now I doubt anyone still cares, I don't get misgendered, if I overhear people referring to me when they don't know I'm listening the name and pronouns are always correct. I guess I'm pretty lucky in that in went so much better then I expected.

[arbon]

For me I had support to start then my employer had a change of mind and the next couple years at work were really hard with him trying to get me to quit.

[Jorja]

Georgie, is it important for you to come out at work? I mean, is this something you really need to do to get on with your life. If so, then do it or continue to lead a dual life for as long as you work there. Make the proper contact with HR department and plan your transition at work. Yes, you will be a hot topic for a while. There is nothing you or your company can do about that. As long as you are not sexually, physically, or verbally harrassed, go about your day as normal and then leave it all at work. There is no need to bring it home with you. Understand from the start, not everyone is going to be ok with it. It takes a special person to transition on the job. They are even more special when it works.

[Kimberly Kael]

I came out at work in a very planned manner.

Your process was quite similar to mine. I started with HR, put together a four-month timeline, and slowly came out to likely allies and my management chain. When I finally sent out a broad email blast announcing my intention to transition it went to several hundred people I worked with in one capacity or another, and I was touched by how many supportive and congratulatory messages I received. I had left a few weeks heading into a holiday between the announcement and transition so that people had time to talk to me if they wanted to, and came back to work the next year to a new email address, new office plaque, etc. in my new identity.

It took a lot of work, but it went quite smoothly. I'm sure there were some who simply didn't understand and I definitely noticed that I had to work harder to earn respect, but it wasn't all that different from the experience other senior women in the company described. One of my favorite things about the experience was being welcomed by the women's group at the company and making a lot of new friends and allies as a result. I eventually moved on to another company and was pleasantly surprised by how little trouble I had with the interviewing and hiring process, despite being fairly nervous about it in the beginning.

It's definitely a challenge and not something I'd recommend as a career move, but it is possible to remain employable and transition. I believe it's getting even easier every year.

[steph1964]

I am in the process right now. I work as a sergeant at a police department and first told my friends, then my chain of command. At some point word got out and the whole department found out. I recently met with the chief who was very supportive and said that I could transition at work as soon as I was ready. The big decision is whether to stay in patrol or move to an admin position, which I still haven't decided.

Since it came out, no one has been negative and I have received an enormous amount of support, something I did not expect. I know that there are those who are unhappy with it but they haven't said anything. Like others have mentioned, the female employees interact with me completely differently than before, even though I am still presenting as a male. Some who rarely talked to me in the past, go out of their way to talk to me now. And some of the things they freely talk about would never get discussed before. They have told me that it is because I am a lot more open and friendly but I think a lot of it is their preception of me. I just hope the acceptance is the same when I show up to work as a female.

[Angela Campbell]

I notified my company about my intent to transition at work with one year to prepare for it. I need the time for electrolysis and to grow out my hair and let the hormones work, but wanted to give them plenty of time to prepare themselves. I was quite surprised that so far they have assured me that they will be completely supportive and even described it as my "journey".

the exact wording...from the senior VP of HR,
"i've been working on defining the process in Ã* structured manner and from all aspects to handle your case in the best possible way and support you throughout your journey.I Will also remain closely monitoring the situation to make sure that its moving in the right direction.
Pls feel free to contact me if needed and rest assure you have our full support and understanding on that.
All the best"

I am pretty sure that I am the first one to do this in the USA for this company. It is a large global corporation and they have told me there has been at least one other in the UK who has transitioned successfully. It still scares the heck out of me.

[Ariamythe]

Everytime I think about transitioning in my current position it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I teach, and so transitioning is particularly complicated -- I'm in front of a class 20 hours a week, and my voice is a vital part of my day. Not only would I be basically stared at everyday as part of the job, but I'd have to get my voice in a place where I could sustain it and lecture at a good volume for long stretches. And then there's the fear that the school wouldn't want a transgender person being the "public face" of the school like that. And of course I live in Michigan, where there's no gender identity protections in the workplace ...

[Kimberly Kael]

I am pretty sure that I am the first one to do this in the USA for this company. It is a large global corporation and they have told me there has been at least one other in the UK who has transitioned successfully. It still scares the heck out of me.

Best of luck with your transition! It is an exciting and scary time, but things should start getting simpler once it's behind you.

HR tends to be pretty quiet about others who have transitioned, so you may not know for certain if any others have come before you in the US. If you are the first, you won't be the last! When I transitioned on the job I was one of dozens at the company, and when I started my next job I encountered another transwoman in a meeting within two weeks. It's amazing how many of us there are.

[Jorja]

It's amazing how many of us there are.

You have no idea! My transition was more than thirty years ago. Since that time, through one organization or another, I have met dozens of us. That doesn't even begin to skim the barrel.

[Georgie]

Georgie, is it important for you to come out at work? I mean, is this something you really need to do to get on with your life. If so, then do it or continue to lead a dual life for as long as you work there. Make the proper contact with HR department and plan your transition at work. Yes, you will be a hot topic for a while. There is nothing you or your company can do about that. As long as you are not sexually, physically, or verbally harrassed, go about your day as normal and then leave it all at work. There is no need to bring it home with you. Understand from the start, not everyone is going to be ok with it. It takes a special person to transition on the job. They are even more special when it works.

yea in the uk if you want to get hormones and the op etc you have to be out in all aspects of your life x

[Jorja]

I guess your choices are narrowed then. Do or don't. I know what my choice would be.

[TeresaL]

Sounds like an adventure to me. Good luck to you and all who enter the journey. After 40 years on the same job, I am now retired and stay at home in my preferred gender. That's an easy transition.

Jorja, you went through during more challenging times, and persevered. Wow.

[kathtx]

Everytime I think about transitioning in my current position it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I teach, and so transitioning is particularly complicated -- I'm in front of a class 20 hours a week, and my voice is a vital part of my day. Not only would I be basically stared at everyday as part of the job, but I'd have to get my voice in a place where I could sustain it and lecture at a good volume for long stretches. And then there's the fear that the school wouldn't want a transgender person being the "public face" of the school like that. And of course I live in Michigan, where there's no gender identity protections in the workplace ...

As a university professor I've got some of the same worries. At what level do you teach? I teach mostly graduate and upper division undergrad courses so the students are fairly mature and serious by the time they get to me. Middle school through college freshman students could have an attitude problem. For someone teaching the lower grades I'd be mostly worried about some parents freaking out at their kids having a transgender teacher.

I'd figure anyone who's in a job where contact with clients and customers, giving sales presentations, etc is a big part of the job would have similar concerns about sustaining voice and appearance. So we teachers aren't alone in these worries. Anyone with a "voice-intensive" job, teaching or otherwise, have any experience to share?

[Ariamythe]

I teach undergraduate courses for a private, not-for-profit career college. If it were a public University I'd feel a little less anxious, but this place trends more conservative and the student body is very notraditional (average age about 30, high concentration of both Arab Americans and African Americans, lots of single moms and retirees).

I have used LGBT news stories as discussion topics in some of my classes, and the responses of some students were a bit shocking. Last quarter when we were discussing the Coy Mathis story, I had students saying the parents should be arrested for letting her go to school in a dress!

[Jorja]

Ariamythe, you do have a problem. I realize there are things like tenure, benefits, and retirement to consider but have you looked into new employment in a better atmosphere?

[linda allen]

This has prob been asked about a thousand times but just wondering how you came out in work and if people treated you differently etc afterwards.

Like when its time for me to come out, the thought of just walking into the canteen fills me with dread :(

I work in a factory with a mostly male work force. We wear a uniform so its not like I will be working in heels and a skirt lol.

x

I'm sure every job and every workplace is different. Same for each individual.

Are you "coming out" as a crossdresser or are you transitioning to a woman? Have you had surgery? Legally changed anything?

If you're working in a factory, I will assume there is someone in the company that you can go to to discuss your changes. That would be the first thing to do. You can't just walk out Friday afternoon as a man and walk in Monday moring as a woman.

You may find your employer to be accepting and a lot of help, or you may find yourself on the street looking for a job. You have a lot to consider here.

[Ariamythe]

Ariamythe, you do have a problem. I realize there are things like tenure, benefits, and retirement to consider but have you looked into new employment in a better atmosphere?
Oh yes. But there's a lot of people at my level applying for jobs right now. Lots of colleges have been cutting faculty, not adding them. :(

The other option is changing careers, of course. But I have no idea what I'd be good for.

[Ann Louise]

Hi Georgie - I'm in the midst of an open transition at work myself. I work in an office environment with something like 70 people or so on my floor. Like a previous poster, we too have a zero official tolerance for bigotry and discrimination because we live in one of the most liberal progressive cities in the states. That means that although I can read your words about a hostile place, I don't live that reality and can't truly know what you have to deal with. Still, a few of these office dudes, with their evening pickup basketball and sports worship and all, still swagger around like they are "cocks of the walk," and you can hear the cackle of one-upsmanship macho laughter echo out every now and then when I get just out of earshot, so, for what it's worth:

I chose to drift into androgyny when I started my HRT, and at first I was pretty paranoid about matters, just like you. I'm almost through a full course of laser hair removal now on my face, and step by step I've moved further and further from the male norms of appearance. I tried to keep it to myself, and even thought that my newly budding b-cup boobs would pass for "pecs." That hasn't worked out too well since their shape is distinctly downward, if you know what I mean, and it's not fooling anyone anymore! LOL

When the rumor started making the rounds that I had cancer (due to my vegetarian change of diet, HRT muscle-loss induced weight loss, and the loss of my facial hair - must be chemo or radiation, you know...), I decided enough was enough, and started outing myself to my closest co-workers, the ladies at first, but eventually the most trusted males. OMG that went so well I couldn't believe it! It was encouraging, stimulating, oh my, I was becoming myself out in public, albeit slowly, but I found I loved it.

I approached my supervisors, one by one, working my way up the chain of command, with the intent of both enlisting their aid, and to implicitly let them know that they better clear their decks of overt bigotry and hatred. Maybe you should look in to your companies HR policies and things. This will not ease the burden all that much, but should give you some peace of mind as you progress that you might have an ultimate recourse, if it comes to that.

Again, to my delight, each and every one of them professed congratulations and support, and indeed they are delivering it. I approached a very high-up manager in our agency, and she immediately began the planning and coordination of a series of meetings and training sessions in civil rights for my division.

Meanwhile, I've completely shed the guy clothes, and taking my clue from the other women on my floor, began to wear tops and slacks, some flats and things, a bit of jewelry and make-up, and holy moly, without really even realizing it I've been approaching full-time without making some explicit break from the past.

This has led to lots of congratulatory women stopping by during the day, and they are so welcoming and kind that it makes me tear up on the spot, every time. The men, however, are a somewhat different story. The good guys, who I knew would be cool, have indeed been so, and to a person inquired whether I should be addressed as my now-legal name, Ann, and do I want to be pro-nouned correctly and the like. The "other" guys, too, are behaving very predictably, and avoid eye contact, take the long way around me, and even in the close confines of an elevator refuse to acknowledge my presence, even though I've been at this place on and off for almost 10 years.

Whatever, you know? I want you to know that you are going to need a very thick skin dear, and I don't mean of the thickness that a casual cross-dresser might possess. May I suggest that you need to think a great deal about your true identity, who and what you are, and buttress your conviction of that with the beautiful, kind and compassionate vibes of the good people around you, and the peaceful serenity that's growing in your heart. Then the bad guys (and bad girls, too, indeed) and their snarks and snorts, while still being hurtful, make less and less of an impression, and you emerge, more and more, like a phoenix from your pile of male ashes you've left behind.

To be sure, I personally have reached the point of what I'm coming to think of as "transsexual saturation," in that I daily feel I must work out my employment on the stage that others have created for me, yet stay focused on the present, keep my newly emerging girl voice, walk tall, and be true to myself. I truly have reached the point where I just don't care what the smart @$$ guys snark hurtful things at me behind my back, yet still within earshot. I never wanted to be "transsexual," but I am and always will be. Get over it Ann, I say to myself. But I can't wait for the opportunity to "woodwork" my way back into peace and quiet. Stealth? OMG that would be such a blessing! LOL But again, Whatever!

By coming out at work I've preserved a part of me, the technical-person part of me, yet have been able to develop ME for the first time in my life, as a plain old 60-year old woman (going on 16 years old, second puberty, you know) and I truly love it. There's that old standby response that I used to use when complimented on my "courage," that it doesn't take much courage to jump out of a burning building." In fact, I've adapted that to my situation, and my "courage" retort is on the order of "I've calmly walked out of a burning building, and it's burnt to ashes behind me. There's no turning back." You like the sound of that? Then burn down your building behind you, too, dear.

Be strong and love yourself Georgie. You are your own best friend and counsel,

Ann x0*-*0x