Catching up.

[Lorileah]

I have consciously avoided posting here for the last month even though it has been hectic and a banner time. Maybe hoping I don't jinx it is part of it.

My life is now going in a direction that is exciting and only slightly scary. It has many elements of how I wish it would have gone 30 years ago. If you believe in karma or fate or being born in a sign, that is what is happening. In fact one of my clients made me an astrological chart that has corrected my beliefs on that. I was born on the cusp of Pisces/Aries and always thought I was Pisces. I am 7 minutes into Aries which changes a few things. But this in depth chart brought out a part of me that I have kept hidden (no not being TS...that came out almost 2 years ago), but that I was born to be in front of people as an entertainer or speaker or teacher. This isn't really news to me but it reinforces what I have been doing the last 8 months or so.

Thus, the first news. I now perform. (no not that way...I never could in THAT manner...let's keep this G rated OK? :heehee:) I have been approached to be in a cabaret act and we did our first show earlier this month, good enough to be renewed. This has led to being asked to join another group where I would be the vocalist. Yes I know part of the "hook" is my appearance. But I will take that. I am truly thrilled to be up front now. All these years of trying to be what others thought I should be, in business and in life, have now been relaxed. Yes I still care what others think but now I care more about ME.

Now as to my transition. I have met with a therapist three weeks ago and will have my second meeting tomorrow. It is going very well. I was relaxed and I think she could see that I was happier and I was for real. Yes I went dressed. I decided to dress as I always do, businesslike, dressy like I was going for a job interview (sort of was wasn't it?). The session went quickly. When I start talking you can't stop me (duh you all knew that).

Since the first meeting I have started to go to work as "Lori" I hate that third person but how else do you explain it...just saying I went to work doesn't mean anything. So far my clients have been very supportive. No one has run away and even one who I thought would be totally against it (strong religious stance) told me that as long as I was happy "God" was happy. I have had two interesting reactions from patients (I am a veterinarian for the three who don't know here). One cocker has been coming to see me for 6 years, he was always afraid and would hide behind his Mom before. This time he sat on the table and stared at me. It almost appeared he was looking at me with love? He was looking at me like a devoted dog would. I also had a new client. I have been going in on Weds and Fridays (slower days just to ease in) and this woman called and asked for a Wednesday appointment. She had been referred in by another client o I know she was expecting the male me. I worried for a week because she told me she owned a 100 pound Rottweiler who was fearful. I thought long and hard about how I would go to work that day. As a woman I would be at a disadvantage because of what I had on (no not outside...I can wear scrubs in either mode, however I did wear a dress that day) but the wig and such, if I had to move quickly or the dog attacked had me concerned. The dog was brought in by the owner and we talked a bit. I did have her put a soft muzzle on the dog (hey no matter what I look like I am beyond getting bitten...I already have one scar on my lip), I did the exam and the dog was stiff as I listened and palpated. She did snap once but the muzzle stopped anything beyond that and she was pretty good. The owner never said anything about my appearance (I was in the dress when she came in but went back and changed). After it was all over I thanked her for being so tolerant about "me" and she said she thought that my appearance was an asset because the dog didn't like men but she had been better with me. And she said she had been very happy to see Dr Lori when she came in.

So the synopsis. My therapist thinks I am "trans" and is working towards getting me in that direction (gave me papers on how to change name and DL and the phone number of an Endo). I am working 2 days a week. My clients are being tolerant (as one said you have been my vet for over 25 years why would your clothes change anything??). I am doing what I probably should have done 40 years ago (the entertainment AND the transitioning) and I am happier than I have been in a long time.

Stick around, I expect a train wreck sometime soon ;)

[KellyJameson]

Even though it can be painful to transition because of others cruelty and hostility it does peal back years and years of living inauthentically as you do so.

We are multifaceted creatures but not living your actual gender stops you from self discovery

I will never become an entertainer but I do see that as I'm more comfortable with myself I'm more comfortable with others and in turn they are with me

I think animals and people are good at sensing tension in others so when you are living a conflicted existence it is felt by others who become less relaxed around us.

I have noticed people are calmer around me and my freedom seems to allow a more genuine expression of their selves to emerge

Being locked out of your gender by being locked in a body that is not who we are imprisons everyone we come into contact with, not just ourselves.

When transitioning is done for reasons of identity it opens up the world to potential self actualization and we discover aspects about ourselves we did not know were there.

We become expansive and multifaceted.

There will be train wrecks but as long as you keep the train moving toward self actualization the pain is worth it in my opinion.

[Angela Campbell]

Lorileah, you seem to be doing well so far. I can only say about train wrecks is that my life before I began this journey was one of the biggest train wrecks I could have anyway so anything is an improvement. Having to be someone who you are not is the biggest train wreck.

[stefan37]

Thanks for updating us. Tell me the secret to working 2 days a week :)

[I Am Paula]

With your head screwed on like it is, I don't see a train wreck happening. Glad it's going well for you.

[Lorileah]

Stefan, Lori goes to work twice a week, that "other guy" works 4 other days. Soon though Lori will be working full time :) and hopefully a few gigs a month.

Funny, as an aside, I used to play online poker a lot (too much really) and I used Lorileah as my player name. I didn't do too badly, winning over 6 million in fake money (playing online for real money scares me as I see this computer geek in some room stacking the deck...but that's me). But anyway, I established a persona. When I had to leave a table in a hurry I would tell them I was a singer in a swing/jazz band and had to go set up or do a mic check or whatever. The bluff is coming true I hope

[kimdl93]

That's not a train coming...it's light at the end of the tunnel!

Very glad to see things coming together for you in so many dimensions! What's really interesting is that as Lori emerges, so did your inner performer. It seems the real you has been released from captivity!

[Claire Cook]

Lori, No, no train wreck! Probably stops at various stations and maybe, just maybe, an occasional track change that will get back on track. It's so interesting that as you become more relaxed and at ease with yourself, your canine patients sense this. Dogs sense things about people that people miss, and they are picking upon the inner glow that is you.

[Contessa]

I wish the best in all your endeavors Lori. I went full time a year ago after coming out a year before that. You are sensational. But you already knew that probably.

Tess