So here is the dilema....

[Gloriamontrose]

Some years ago my wife discovered me crossdressing in my own clothes. Since then two things have happened. Until recently she 'put up with' the occasional crossdressing and nothing more was said. Sex at that time started to go a bit pear shaped because of mid 50's Erectile disfunction. It happens. We had a huge row about three months ago mainly because of her father inviting himself to visit for a month, cannot stand the bloke, not can she. During the row she told me that she never wanted intercourse with me again, that intimacy between us was over and that i should learn to put up with it. At the same time she insisted that my crossdressing was not a problem for her and if it made me happy then it was all fine. I should say she has never been that 'sexy' at all. But since then while not encouraging my crossing dressing, she has been what i can only describe as sideline helpful.
I dress for a lot of the time. While she stilldoesn't encourag, she accepts cheerfully. I am totaly confused and would like anyone who understands women to make their best stab at what I should do now if anything.
Confused,
Gloria

[Princess Grandpa]

If I understood women I would write a book and get filthy rich.

I hope things get better between you two. I understand as we get older the sex drive lessens. Not sure I could deal well with "the intimacy is over deal with it."

Hug
Rita

[Karren H]

Id love to have your situation..... At my (our) age not having sex is no big thing.... imho..... and my wife doesn't accept my crossdressing... cheerful or otherwise.... so make the best of it and crossdress as much as you can.... hell I'd go full time if she was that cheerful! lol

[xd-tigger]

First of all, a massive Internet hug. And secondly, her putting up with it and not denying you to crossdress is better than being told not to do it all. You said she said that she need wants intercourse with you again during an argument, try and talk to her calmly, maybe on neutral ground, because she may have been stresse about her Dad arriving. I wish you the best of luck.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I'm a little confused here but as I think about it, your wife "seems" to have some mixed feelings as do you. It is not uncommon for a couple to lose sexual interest after many years of being together and remain a couple maybe in a more platonic relationship. My wife and I share a sense of love without full-blown intimacy mainly because our libidos aren't what they used to be. I'd say that her father living with you may have eliminated your chances of sexual intimacy? Just wondering and guessing.

In the end, while I still crossdress and my wife does her own things, we're still together, and we enjoy all of the rest there is about being married to each other. There's a lot more to a relationship than sex or a wonderful wife having a crossdressing husband. It's become a natural part of our everyday lives and taken for granted. I hope this makes sense and adds another perspective.

Cheryl Ann

[paulaprimo]

understand women?????

reminds me of the time i was walking along the beach and found a lamp. i rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish. since i enjoy the ocean, i asked for a bridge from my front door to hawaii, so everytime i go out i could go over the bridge and be on the beach.
the genie shrugged his shoulders and said that most people ask for wealth, long life, women/men, etc...he then told me how impractical that would be, and how hard for him to do, and then mentioned the amount of concrete and steel that would be needed...the bottom line was that it was just to complicated a project for him so he asked me to make another wish. so i asked for the ability to understand women, and he responded, on that bridge, did you want 2 or 4 lanes :)

[Lorileah]

are you happy with the deal? Then go with it, but the sex thing has me concerned. Her "telling" you you won't get sex anymore is a huge red flag. Why did she have to throw this at you? Women who lose ALL interest in sex may have something else going on. When was she last at her OB/GYN? Her action is similar to your ED, except she doesn't even want to try. So I wonder if there is a medical issue, an emotional issue, or a I gottanutherguy issue?

[Marleena]

Gloria the answer is in the women's secret handbook. Good look finding it, I've been searching for years...:D

[MatildaJ.]

Not sure how to ask this without being offensive, but she might also be hinting that she is interested in sex with other people. Some people don't consider it to be cheating once both spouses agree that they're not having sex any more. Of course, if you'd rather not know, then it would probably be better not to ask...

[darla_g]

hmm so if she tells you she doesn't want to have sex with you what might she say if you said you still desire sex. Does she mind you having it with someone else or is that not allowed?

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Lori, With my wife, we both agree she's going through "the change." She has hot flashes. (I do too!) I know what you're saying. I know for sure my wife is not looking on the outside because she doesn't have the energy as do I and is very content about all of the other positive elements of our relationship. Heck! We're off to sleep by 9PM each night in separate beds! LOL!

Cheryl Ann

[Karan]

Crossdressing, a unwanted prolong visit from the father, erectile dysfunction and no more sexual intimacy sounds like a terrible combo. I believe her position is a sympton of problems not the problem. It could be homonal brought on by the change, self image issues, childhoold issue brought up when her father visits, even you or who knows. Professional help or at least talking and LISTENING would be the first step.

[Princess Grandpa]

are you happy with the deal? Then go with it, but the sex thing has me concerned. Her "telling" you you won't get sex anymore is a huge red flag. Why did she have to throw this at you? Women who lose ALL interest in sex may have something else going on. When was she last at her OB/GYN? Her action is similar to your ED, except she doesn't even want to try. So I wonder if there is a medical issue, an emotional issue, or a I gottanutherguy issue?

*Points*
this makes lots of sense to me

Hug
Rita

[Sister Rachel]

What Cheryl said :thumbsup: .. except that Anne and I share our bed, still, and she's off to it at 10 every night whereas I sit up, sometimes in drab, others en femme playing my guitar or online, until about midnight.

[Gloriamontrose]

I'm beginning to wonder though she hasn't hinted at that yet.

[Sami]

OMG I feel your confusion women are such unpredictable beauties I have never been able to predict them or their thoughts, can some one please figure them out and let the rest of us know.

[kimdl93]

I think it depends on what you ant. Is it a problem for you if sexual intimacy is over? If it is then you and your wife might want to talk to a physician. Sometimes loss of libido in women can be addressed...not quite the same way as for men. If its not a problem, then just go on with life as it is.

[docrobbysherry]

Gloria, I don't understand your dilema? Unless it's that u r asking us whether or not u should separate? My vote is: therapy first, separate if that doesn't work.

I was married. My GUESS is, if your wife is doing herself she's either not having an affair or if she was, it's virtually over.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gloria, When you get it figured out PLEASE let the rest of us know!!

[Julie Gaum]

Gloria, my first reaction was pretty much what Lori suggested as possibilities. What bothered me the most and seemed to indicate
that more is going on with wife than admitted was "not interested in sex with you" --- it's the "with you" that MIGHT mean that you personally have her turned off. If you suggest that you go to a proper therapist together and she turns you down then I would be
even more convinced that there's more going on than you know.
Julie

[Allsteamedup]

What no replies from GG's?!! PM me OP. I can't risk upsetting people here and your dilemma is personal.....

[dawnmarrie1961]

Your wife wants to be the center of your attention when you are in the bedroom. She feels it is "all about her". Not you. You need to find a middle ground where it can be about both of you. Equally beneficial to both of you.

[Tracii G]

My 2nd Ex wife got to the point where she turned off the sex part and claimed it wasn't me that caused it it but her.
I never got a concrete reason or further explanation but I did find out thru mutual friends that she had had numerous affairs with other men over the years.
The TG side of me was not even in the picture because I didn't tell her or dress at that time.She does know now because I told her.
So if she ever says its not you but her my guess she is getting it somewhere else and feels guilty and feels she has betrayed you.

[Debra Russell]

I think there are more of us in this delimia, or close to it and we all have ??? what happens now ? is it ok or what - actually the only way is direct and open talk - with HER - and some sort of level ground established..............................Debra

[alwayshave]

My ex never wanted intimacy. In 16 years of marriage the only question she ever asked about sex was when did I think I would have erectile dysfunction such that I would stop asking her for sex. Oh, I stopped asking her a long time ago and started asking someone else. I think in the first 6 months of my current relationship I had more intimacy than in 16 years of marriage. I think some people are just wired not care about it.

[Dianne S]

Jumping in late here...

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but do you think your wife allows/encourages your crossdressing so you are less likely to want sex? If CD'ing relaxes you and makes you feel good, maybe you won't feel so much pressure for sex?

[dawnmarrie1961]

My ex never wanted intimacy. In 16 years of marriage the only question she ever asked about sex was when did I think I would have erectile dysfunction such that I would stop asking her for sex. Oh, I stopped asking her a long time ago and started asking someone else. I think in the first 6 months of my current relationship I had more intimacy than in 16 years of marriage. I think some people are just wired not care about it.
For some people their definition of intimacy doesn't require the sexual act. Simply the touch of skin against skin, petting and caressing, is enough to satisfy them. Of course when this is included in the sexual act it makes it that much more intense and pleasurable. Men sometimes forget that and approach the whole thing like a grand slam home run hit in the fourth quarter of a baseball game. Forget about everything except "sliding into home base" to win the game. It is all the little plays and errors that make up a good game for everyone involved. I love a good nail bitter!

[Beverley Sims]

Gloria,
Go with the flow, maybe she finds female company more pleasurable now.
Just proceed slowly and acceptance will appear natural.
Is she slowing down mind wise?

[Chickhe]

I think you are dealing with two separate issues. The CDing is one and the bedroom is another. Your wife is not telling you something... to me is sounds like she just isn't interested in it....or she thinks you will feel better thinking she is not...

For me it was actually the opposite. My wife always talked like it was the man who always wants sex even when she didn't...well, I went through the mid life thing and turns out, it was her desire that caused a lot of stress...when you just can't perform like you are 20...and she's the one demanding it.... generally woman won't admit it, they have needs. I wouldn't link the two, the intimacy thing is bigger...she probably needs to feel wanted.

[Leona]

If she's just hitting menopause, expect some crazy? Really? I didn't check dates, so maybe this is an old thread, but seriously, what if it is just a stage? What if she was feeling really hormonal and emotional and later regrets saying that?

I'm not willing to jump to the "she's seeing someone else" conclusion, even though that's what I thought at first. Maybe she's just suffering and taking it out on you, which is a woman's right in our society for some stupid reason.

[suzy]

Holy Cow! That is a problem. Damn. You have more than one issue here going on and so there is no one answer. For her to tell you that she does not want intimacy ever again shows me a dead end. I would never stay in a relationship absent intimacy! Sorry! Her "willingness" to accept you is ok but if she loved you she would accept your crossdressing or at least be willing to explore it and work on it but cutting the intimacy tie is indicative that the love between you two is gone. I doubt that the crossdressing is the cause. You may need to look deep into your relationship nd go back years but I believe it didn't just happen over night and certainly isn't directly related to crossdressing. You need to correct the issue or move on and find a loving partner. Sorry. But that is just the plain hard facts! Hugs to you and I will be praying for you during your struggle with this problem.

[ErinSassyPants]

I see two possibilities that you may wish to consider.

The first has been mentioned already, that it is something going on with her. Possibly menopause. She may be not feeling it right now and be ashamed or not want to deal with that so be telling you and herself that she is happy if there is no sex. I agree with Lorileah that it's important that she check in with a doctor.

The other possibility that comes to mind is that maybe she is afraid that you don't want her, which is an extremely scary and painful thing for some people. Many people react to that kind of vulnerability and fear by doing a preemptive rejection. To say it more simply its possible she fears you don't want her and to save face she rejected you first. In this case if you just leave it be and do not go to her and say that you do not want to lose that part of your relationship she may feel that she was right and you did not want her. This could cause her further pain and she may withdraw more.

Of course no one here can know for sure why she is behaving as she is. It's possible she doesn't know. But I hope that you will talk to her about it. If you both truly feel ok with no sexual intimacy than you'll be more at ease about it if you've spelled it out. If that is not the case then the sooner you find out what is the easier it will be to deal with.

Good luck!

[donnalee]

Sex is one thing and Dawn Marie made a very good point; I think that the loss of any form of affection is an even more major concern. If she has ceased to love you or is withholding affection for some real or imagined cause, you need to examine the root causes together, and it's difficult to do without an impartial referee.

[Mollyanne]

Id love to have your situation..... At my (our) age not having sex is no big thing.... imho..... and my wife doesn't accept my crossdressing... cheerful or otherwise.... so make the best of it and crossdress as much as you can.... hell I'd go full time if she was that cheerful! lol

Holy Smokes, is someone spying on me????? This is my situation as well.

Molly

[sometimes_miss]

Some years ago my wife discovered me crossdressing in my own clothes. Since then two things have happened. Until recently she 'put up with' the occasional crossdressing and nothing more was said. Sex at that time started to go a bit pear shaped because of mid 50's Erectile disfunction. It happens. We had a huge row about three months ago mainly because of her father inviting himself to visit for a month, cannot stand the bloke, not can she. During the row she told me that she never wanted intercourse with me again, that intimacy between us was over and that i should learn to put up with it. At the same time she insisted that my crossdressing was not a problem for her and if it made me happy then it was all fine. I should say she has never been that 'sexy' at all. But since then while not encouraging my crossing dressing, she has been what i can only describe as sideline helpful.
I dress for a lot of the time. While she stilldoesn't encourag, she accepts cheerfully. I am totaly confused and would like anyone who understands women to make their best stab at what I should do now if anything.
Confused,
Gloria
It sounds as if she lost her sexual desire for you not just because of your age/ED problem, but also because once a woman sees her male mate as a feminine person, the lust usually dies as well. At this point in your relationship, perhaps she now sees you as more friend, very close friend, but no longer as a potential sexual mate. This is what most of us go through; women simply aren't usually sexually turned on by feminine males; rather, it's strongly the opposite, a sexual turn off, and once that feeling's in place, it's almost impossible to change it. Consider; how many men are attracted to masculine appearing and behaving females? Very few. It's the same for women when they discover our desire to dress, behave, and appear as females. No more sexual desire for us. What should you do? It's up to you; you can remain with your new 'best friend', knowing that you'll probably never have sex with her again, but still have a wonderful companion, or split up, while also knowing that you're very, very unlikely to EVER find a woman who's interested sexually in a crossdresser. Good luck with your decision.

[Gloriamontrose]

[QUOTE=What should you do? It's up to you; you can remain with your new 'best friend', knowing that you'll probably never have sex with her again, but still have a wonderful companion, or split up, while also knowing that you're very, very unlikely to EVER find a woman who's interested sexually in a crossdresser. Good luck with your decision.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for all the comments. I took the advice of sitting down and speaking with her, in fact the converstations took place over a number of evenings. She agrees that a relationship without intimacy (not sex) is dead in the water. (I think she may just regret the 'intimacy' comment now). But she is still adamant about sex, not with me nor anyone else - like some have mentioned she has just grown out of it. We've both agreed that being married for 42 years means we have a load in common and we're trying to get back on course again. She wants me to continue to dress and be Gloria even though I offered to put Gloria to rest (God knows that would have been hard - would have made giving up smoking a breeze!) I really do appreciate all that was said here as I was truly in a void but the comments posed here really helped put matters into perspective and I think there is a solution that we will both be happy with.
Gratefully yours
Gloria M

[Asche]

Gloriamontrose: I hope things work out for you. But I worry that you all are simply "settling" out of fear of actually digging in to what's been going on for the past 16 (?) years. Have you all gone to a (professional) marriage counselor? A good one? (Not just your parish priest or whatever.) Men and women in our society are trained from birth not to talk to one another about what's really important to them, so I think you all could use all the help you can get.

More generally, when I read the comments in this thread, and when I read other threads like this, I go away shaking my head. I get the impression that most of the guys in this forum don't think of women, especially their own wives and SOs, as human beings like themselves, but rather as sort of like magic voodoo dolls that will grant a wish if you perform the right inscrutable ritual. Most only want to ask their fellow dudebros "what's up with my woman," but not the woman (or women) in their lives. Even when guys here post questions "for the GGs", and the GFs here try to answer, guys mostly ignore or contradict what they say. I noticed exactly one post in this thread by an identifiable GF, and I didn't get the impression anyone paid her any attention.

When I read "it's impossible to understand women" comments, all I can think of is: have you put one tenth of the effort into really understanding your SO/wife that you put into, say, learning to throw a football? Do you actually listen (with your mouth closed!) to what women say to you and to each other (and not argue with them)? Do you suppress your own convictions of "how things are" and try to imagine what each woman you know is going through -- that is, put yourself in her place -- when she talks about things? Do you listen for clues to what the world must look like to her, based on assuming that she is a reasonable person not fundamentally all that different from you? You all sound like my students back when I was teaching remedial math. They'd throw out the first answer that popped into their heads and if that didn't work, they'd just say "I can't do math" and throw in the towel.

I try to imagine what it's like to be married to someone who is mainly interested in what he is getting out of the marriage rather than in his spouse as a person, interspersed with actions that are supposed to be loving but are more about him satisfying himself that he's done what's necessary to count as a proper, "loving" husband -- which is what I suspect a lot of the SOs here (like a lot of women in society at large) go through. Actually, I don't have to imagine -- I realized after writing this that I was describing my own marriage, the one I had to leave after 15 years because it was killing me. One thing I noticed after a while in the marriage was that I lost all interest in sex, and since I'm male, it was hard to hide it.

[suchacutie]

Menopause is a very difficult time and her hormones are crazy. It sounds to me she needs medical evaluation especially as related to her libido. The idea of no physical closeness in a marriage is frightening and surely not healthy. Sleeping in separate beds will not help.

Best wishes.