I might Get Kicked Out [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

View Full Version : I might Get Kicked Out

Darlena

12-22-2005, 03:53 AM

FionaAlexis

12-22-2005, 04:25 AM

Darlena,

Not sure what's prompted this thread.

But are you saying you are purging? to save your marriage? And suggesting we, who are married, all purge?

Fiona xx

Wendy me

12-22-2005, 06:38 AM

well yes i am guilty of that or was , i never told my wife before ...she knows now and we are trying to get her to understand this and true all she thought was real can now seem just a little like a lie true i saw that at one point she all ready knew but i needed to tell her ...

Kimberly

12-22-2005, 07:50 AM

I agree to an extent to what you say, and so I am going to live my life accordingly... but you have to see things from a different perspective.

Let's just not turn this into a flaming wars, gals xx

FionaAlexis

12-22-2005, 07:59 AM

I agree to an extent to what you say, and so I am going to live my life accordingly... but you have to see things from a different perspective.

Let's just not turn this into a flaming wars, gals xx

Hi Kimberly,

I can assure you my questions are naive and not intended to be provocative in any way. I'm just interested to know what led Darlena to this conclusion.

Fiona xx

DanaJ

12-22-2005, 08:14 AM

I am not married, but I know this much. Each member who is married has to make that decision on their own - they have their own unique set of circumstances, and know for themselves what is best for them and their marriages. It may be good, or it may not be good for their marriage, but I am sure that it is much more than a "hang -up"...

Stephanie Brooks

12-22-2005, 08:49 AM

And now that you've become someone other than the one she 1st fell in love with she must fall back in LOVE with someone NEW?
Crossdressing aside, I've been married for 21 years and I'm not the same person I was back then. Thank goodness! Can you imagine going back to where you were 21 years ago? For me, it isn't that there was anything terribly wrong with my life, but I've done things I couldn't have even imagined back then, professionally and personally.

I remember a couple of times when I stood on principles at work. One time I recall I could have lost my job, but knew I'd lose more if I'd caved. I stood true to myself to the horror of my wife; she was not pleased. It was the right decision. One could argue the mettle existed 21 years ago, but the act did not. I didn't lose my job or my self.

Marriage is a gamble and a lot of work. We change, we evolve. Both need to be able to grow and deal with how life unfolds.

My wife knew about my crossdressing before we were engaged, but neither of us understood it at all. My crossdressing and her reaction to it has kept us on the rocks for most of our 21 years. The sad thing is our marriage is otherwise good and strong. We have no real money problems, we communicate well, we handle crises very well (and this year has been rife with them!). Still, for all of the trouble of being upfront with my wife about my crossdressing when we were girlfriend and boyfriend, it has carried little weight with her acceptance of Stephanie.

If only disclosure were so simple...

Bonnie D

12-22-2005, 09:33 AM

I'm married with two young adult 'children' and I'm closeted. I tested the crossdressing issue with my wife before we were married and she was not accepting. I tried again after we were married and the response was fury. I learned to keep it secret. There was no internet back then therefore there would be no support if I came out and I felt quite alone with my 'problem'. I had learned to live life as a male all this time anyway so I continued on my path. After two children you become entrenched in life as a father and husband, where does crossdressing come into this? It doesn't so it's kept secret and can only come out when you're alone, which is not often. The kids are older, there's more alone time, and the internet has opened the world up. What do I do? Continue to hide my female self or come out? Coming out will end my marriage. I am both male and female. I am also bisexual. I have two lives. This is not a hang up. This is dishonest and always has been and I've always realized it. The question is, do I continue? If I come out everyone will be hurt or do I stay closeted and just continue to hurt myself.

Bonnie

PS. I don't expect an answer, I will decide on my own what to do. I am just explaining that it is not as black and white as it appears.

Kaitlyn Michele

12-22-2005, 09:48 AM

Dayna

12-22-2005, 09:56 AM

Thanks Darlena, for the thoughtful comments.

TGMarla

12-22-2005, 09:59 AM

Perhaps you should walk the mile in others' shoes before you judge. I don't know what your situation is, but if it's better than others', it may only be so because of the people involved. All people are different, and thus, all situations are different. If your situation is better than others', count your blessings, and wish good things for others rather than condemning them for your perceived lack of honesty. It may be the best policy, but there's another saying equally true: Loose lips sink ships.

melissacd

12-22-2005, 10:04 AM

A hang -up ain't worth it. I mean it..,before it's too late...!Trust Me!...

Darlena,

Just so you know - it ain't a hang-up! There was a time in my life, before I accepted this very real part of who I am, that I would have agreed with you. I have since matured a great deal.

No amount of denial on my part will ever change who I am and all my years of denial have only made me miserable. Now that I am accepting of myself - following the maxims of "we are who we are" and "B Yer Self" and "To thine own self be true", life is starting to look much brighter and I am getting excited about a much better future.

Melissa

MsJanessa

12-22-2005, 03:40 PM

Sorry Darlena---usually I try to be polite and not respond to purposly insensitive and troll like posts---but yours is too much---as long as I don't intentionally hurt anyone I am going to be me----I'm going to dress the way I want to, tell or not tell anybody I want to about my crossdressing, be as far out or as far in the closet as I care to be and its nobody's business---certainly not yours---if I tell or don't tell my wife or anybody else--- that is is my business and I resent being lectured about honesty by someone who who uses a picture of Marlyn Monroe as an avatar rather than posting a real photo of themself--mine is really me and nobody elses. Can you say the same?---try being open and honest yourself before attacking others--Ms Janessa :dom:

Julie York

12-22-2005, 04:07 PM

You can't be honest about something 20 years ago that took you 20 years to understand what it is.

That's what the married people are dealing with.

That's what their wives are dealing with.

It is often not a case of being purposely deceptive, but of being confused for many many years and THEN having the great gift of hind site.

"Why didn't you tell me!"
"Because I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS!"

MsJanessa

12-22-2005, 04:14 PM

but those are really nice heels:dom:

Sarahgurl371

12-22-2005, 05:19 PM

i am in the middle of this kind of stuff right now...

here are some truths...TRUTHS...not opinions

i didnt tell her i x-dressed
i believed it was not going to impact us
i believed that i could "Control" my urges to dress
i believed that some dressing on the side would be no big deal
i could not control my urge to dress
i spent a huge amount of time looking at tg stories/porn online
i finally told my wife
i'm moving out next week

now i'm a big beleiver in being true to yourself and what i am trying to say is that in my case i could have avoided alot of heartache if i had been more honest with MYSELF at the start...
just my 2 pennies

Problem is, I don't now when Darlena got married, but when I did at the all knowing age of 19, I could have in no way shape or form known what the hell this was and what I am. See, i like to think that people learn and grow as they age. And in an ideal marraige you do that together. Guess mine ain't ideal, And I WILL take HALF the blame. Marraige is about a union of TWO people. Two minds, two hearts, two souls, and more often than not, two different perspectives on life.

When I joined here, I thought it was a support group. I thought we would all help each other, I thought I might learn something about myself and my lot in life. I am NOT opposed to hearing constructive critizim, in fact I welcome it, Thats one of those growing and learning tools. But sometimes things are just mean spirited. I have never told anybody here that I disrespect them. Whatever thier situation, whatever they have done regarding thier life and these issues that bring us all here. We all have different lives, we have different things going on in those lives. And I cannot judge you until as Marla put it, "I have walked a mile in your shoes". Some of us are dabbling around, some of us our fethishists, some of us are transgendered, some of us are transsexual.

Point is, don't you think that for the sake of my marraige, Hell for that matter, the sake of some peace in my life, I would quit this, and never think about it again, If I even had some inkling that it was possible.

I agree that I have been selfish. That I have not handled this issue in the best way. You know what, I learned from that. I have tried, and am trying to put her before me, even in this very personal aspect of my life. Trying to find the right balance between me and us. Is that respectable? And I have certainly posted many times "why can't she just accept me?"

Oh, BTW, I have spent the last 14 years of my life trying to obtain, and obtaining the things she wants in HER life. You now all the stuff she just has to have. Well I got it for her. Heck, her Mother, who BTW does not approve of me now, even will admit I am a very good husband and person. When does something get to be important enough to ME, that I get it? How deeply personal does is need to be, before is OK to ask for?

Just my OPINION. I sincerely do not mean to offend or be disrespectful to anyone!

Gale R

12-22-2005, 05:44 PM

I know i'm lucky in having an understanding SO, others aren't so lucky.
But i'd really like to know the reason behind this thread because the original post was so vague.:confused:

Christa

12-22-2005, 05:49 PM

Dixie Darling

12-22-2005, 08:15 PM

Darlena,

By the same token that the crossdresser has become someone other than the one the wife first fell in love with, the same holds true for the WIFE who has also become someone else. People (ALL of them) change over periods of time and go through different periods and phases of their lives. It's sort of like a gradual evolution and nothing ever stays exactly the same. If, as you suggest, we are to revert back to the same person we were when we fell in love with and married our wives, then isn't it fair that we should expect the SAME revision from these wives that WE are asked to make? I wonder how many of us (husbands AND wives) could return to that original person? And if we could, WOULD we do so? Think about it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Kaitlyn Michele

12-22-2005, 11:48 PM

Tammy- you quoted my post, i think your comments were aimed at the starter of the thread ( ihope!?).. i'm just being open and honest with my personal experience which has been quite painful..i was simply trying to point out to darlena that altho technically i "lied" the actual way it played out was totally different and i certainly didnt think of not sharing this with my wife was a lie...however over time it crept up on me that it was hurting our marriage which is really not fair to her..that's why i'm giving her the wide end of the field and keeping the separation as peaceful and positive as humanly possible..

i think we're saying the same thing...married with best intentions, did what we thought was expected of us as husbands but the dressing part came to the forefront and has caused real life problems...

of course, i bought 2 outfits for me today as well so moving out is not all bad
(yikes- cant beleive i said that)...

FionaAlexis

12-23-2005, 12:08 AM

Michelle, I think your personal experience post was a very good warning on how things can get away from you. It is a Pandora's box. And Tammy's post was pretty much on the money.

My gripe is still with you, Darlena - and I do accept that in your post makes some really valid points and I do think its a subject well worth discussing. However you posted the thread under the tabloid banner 'I might get kicked out' - what for? I have no idea. You've issued sweeping advice but haven't fully explained yourself. Well not to my thinking - but maybe I'm missing something.

I think if you post a sensitive thread like this you have to be prepared explain fully where you are coming from.

Fiona xx

monniGG

12-23-2005, 01:02 AM

I am married to a cd'er and love him even more for being totally honest with me about his dressing. The fact that he trusts me enough to bare his soul to me makes me feel so loved and secure. I found it hard to understand and accept at the start but the more he includes me the more I love him.

He may not always look like the man I married but he still loves and cherishes me the same.

I totally disagree with people that hide who they really are from their partners. If you are always honest you have no lies to remember.

Monni

Dana

12-23-2005, 01:17 AM

Crossdressing aside ~ Generally speaking ~ with IMHO rare exceptions you actually marry three different people when you get married !

You marry the person that you THINK you're marrying!
You marry the persono that you're ACTUALLY marrying!
And when all is said and done, you're marrying the person that is going to come about as a result of having been married to YOU!

The simpole truth of the matter is that "relationships are easy to get into! Oftentimes hard to maintain, and even more oftentimes hard to get out!

The thing about is, is YES~ if at the all knowing and all seeing age of 22 when I got married, ~ had I had the self~knowledge, self~awarness that I have NOW ~ then I wouldn't have gone into my marriage nor any relationship without full disclosure. Worse case scenario? I would have ended up single and alone ~ and going out purchasing all the stuff that you need to furnish a home. Guess where I am in my life now~ ? You got it ~ except now I'm going out and buying all that stuff that I've already bought once before!

Factoring ~ and un-believable amount of headache, heartache, financial troubles ~ that I really could have done without ~ not to mention the absolute waste of a lot of time, effort, energy and money ~ to to mention the hugh emotional investment ~ all to have the ROI ~ (return on investment ) come up to 0%! So with hindsight being 20/20, yea I'm all about full disclosure and being up-front.

The thing is that a lot of the members of this board, were raised in an era when displaying the least bit of femininity ~ meant being absolutely out cast from society ~ at best It was a time BEFORE cabel TV, before the Internet, before chat rooms, and boards. Before PM, IM's and e-mail! Before cabel and satellite TV and radio. It was a time when, if you were gay, bisexual, a lesbian, or transgenedered, you byded your time until you could get out of HS, and could move off, far, far, far away! When some fathers, had the mentality that they could literally beat it of you and make you "straight".

So many of us followed or at least attempted to follow the life script that was given us.

Just like many chlildren are forced fed, and endlessly presented with a script, and expected to life that script. I read in one of the adivce columns the othr day, about a young lad who was still in high school, the child of two Ivy League College graduate professionals, whose parents are on his back about which college he's going to go to, and what is he going to major in ~ thing is ~ he doesn't want to go to college, ~ he wants to go to trade school and become a Master Carpenter!

I know a woman who had a straight 4.0 GPA ALL the way through school, from kindergarden through high school. Got accepted at an Ivy League Business School! Graduate with multiple honors!

And, once she did, and moved to Atlanta she went to Cosmotology School and got her Cosmotology liscense. Because that's who and what she is and wants to be! Granted, she's a very successful and astute business woman ~ but in the end ~ she a beautician ~ who and what she wants to be.

The thing is that there are many, and I do mean many people running around in the 40's or older trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. They don't know, ~ because they've never answered the question as to who they are as people.

And, I'm not comparing Apples and Oranges when I draw the comparrision between occupations. Most of us had it so beaten into our pysche's about complying with being what "society's" definition of being male is ~ of being masculine ~ its literally taken years if not decades for some of us ~ if not many of us to "de-program" all that out of our heads.

We think we're preverse, mentally ill, or just plain weird, and if I just walk the walk, talk the talk, dress the part, indulge in all kinds of self destructive behavior ~ constantly seeking to re-affirm and validate our masculinity ~ that we ~ even at the risk of life and limb, that we'll eventually come around and grow out of this "phase"

We get into relationships with "normal" women, fall heads over heels in love ~ get married! Thinking, "Yea! That's the ticket! That's the answer! That's the solution!" Only to find that being transgendered and living with a GG, only aggravates the situation! (And, for me personally, I tend to fall for the absolute most femininie and girlly girls of them all! I wonder why that is? )

And, so we get married, but its only a matter of time before her lingere draw, her closet, her jewelry calls us! Its almost pathalogical! "Well, just this once! She'll never know!"

And, YES~! It can become obessisive and compulsive ~ and even addicitve.

The thing is, when you're up to your neck in alligators and snakes, its hard to remember that you're initial objective was to drain the swamp!!!:eek:

DanaJ

12-23-2005, 08:34 AM

My gripe is still with you, Darlena - and I do accept that in your post makes some really valid points and I do think its a subject well worth discussing. However you posted the thread under the tabloid banner 'I might get kicked out' - what for? I have no idea. You've issued sweeping advice but haven't fully explained yourself. Well not to my thinking - but maybe I'm missing something.

I think if you post a sensitive thread like this you have to be prepared explain fully where you are coming from.

Fiona xxUnfortunately Fiona, we have many members who start threads and never come back to them.

I agree with you Fiona, after starting a thread and making the statement that Darlena made, I think she needs come back and explain her position a little more. And she has been here on the forum, she has posted elsewhere 9 other posts since starting this thread.....

Lissa Stevens

12-23-2005, 08:38 AM

I was ready to reply with more than a little venom to Darlene's post but I decided to wait awhile. As I have told many people I don't have to agree with you, and I won't always, but I will allow you the right to say what you feel.

As to what you said I think you are dead wrong. That is my opinion, and mine only. True maybe I should have told my wife before we were married, that would have been right. By Darlena's reasoning though, I feel she is saying I should take an ad out in the local paper declaring the fact that I am a crossdresser. How can I not hide my dressing to my wife, my family, my friends, my coworkers and everyone else I have had contact with when I have been hiding it from myself all my life. I have been a crossdresser since I was very young and because of societies views I denied, cried and lied to eveyone including myself about my lifestyle. It is very hard to come to terms with yourself when you are treated as if you are a freak. Told you are sick and need to see a doctor. NO ONE likes to be told that nkind of thing. Of course you will hide your true self. NO ONE likes to be hurt, mentally or physically. I am very happy for Darlene that the people where she lives are accepting of her. Thank God there are some people who don't judge us, but when a person, who is very much like us, starts whats seems on the surface to be an attack, they are no better than the rest of the society that judges us so harshly. You cannot make sweeping generaliztions about any situation. That is not fair to yourself or the people you are talking about. Once again I am so happy for you Darlena that the community around you supports you but not all of us have that.

One day I hope to be able to be to tell my wife about Melissa. Unfortuately based on past discussions and comments I don't feel this will help our marriage and could destroy it. I love her very much but how many SO's out there cannot handle this revelation? I am afraid mine is one of those who cannot. You might say then maybe your relationship is not that strong or worth it. If she cannot handle my dressing then I should tell her and get it over with. You might be right, but that is my decision not yours or anybodies else's. The reason I joined this group is because nobody seemed to be judgmental. I hope it can stay that way.

Kaitlyn Michele

12-23-2005, 09:15 AM

Dana

I really really liked your post... very well thought out summary of some of the things we are all struggling with

you especially touched me with your thought process about marrying who we think they are all the way to what we become.

i am still struggling with the fundamental truth that i constantly think about dressing, i spend $$ on dressing whenever i get a chance..i'm seperating from my wife and i keep thinking about how much i can dress, but when we talk about the seperation its clear that my wife is really serious about this being a "Trial" and she is hoping we get back together. my true internal thinking is "hmmmmm, i wonder if i should hold off shaving"...instead of omg!!! she is already thinking this will work out!!

so i am working to be more honest about what i want..this is brutally difficult for me...i love my family so much, now i'm going to find out how much my wife loves me..she knows i crossdress, i doubt very much she knows how much i've dressed, how much time i think about dressing, where i've gone dressed!!! and how smoking hot i am dressed!!!! (tee hee)...does that make sense? its complicated, and when you don't want to be hurt and you don't want to hurt loved ones, even more complicated...

how do i deal with this train of thought...
during our darkest times, when we decided to split...i thought i hate myself...xdressing caused this ..its NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!

it seems today there is some light at the end of the tunnel..what am ithinking???oh no!!! maybe i wont be able to shave my legs!!!

which is more important to me? how do i decide?? on one level, isnt it obvious? of course, if you're not a crossdresser how could you possibly understand how powerful the urge is and how its not possible to just say i'm not going to dress..
anyway...even though i completely disagree with the start of the thread, its great to see all the posts on this

SaraGoth

12-23-2005, 09:31 AM

...I see that since Darlena's tiff, that many have chimed in and in a sense lit fire to her thread...and she's not even participating. I'd just stop as it seems like you're talking into the wind. Why legitimatize her arguement by continuing to douse it with personal info that could be put to more use in another meaningful thread...?

My two yen...
Sarayuki

MsJanessa

12-23-2005, 09:51 AM

I have noticed that Darlene has not posted any thing on this thread since the beginning---I'm going to treat it for what it is---a troll who is just looking to get a reaction out of us----I often wonder when I read this type of thread whether the person who posted it is really who and what they claim to be. It seems awfully insensitive for someone who purports to be a "24/7 T-girl" and who is in a healthy supportive relationship with a GG. Unfortunatly there are many people out in cyberspace who are neither T-Girls or admirers or spouses but simply troublemakers who amuse themselves by stirring things up with their keyboard---the fact that Darlene posted such an offensive(to me anyway) inflamatory post and then did not come back to answer or defend her comments leads me to suspect she is one of those people. Oh well--nothing I do or say will make any difference---Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannuka, Merry Quanza etc. and I'll see you all next year--Janessa:dom:

Christina Nicole

12-23-2005, 03:32 PM

But It needs to be said... and some of you are being false toward your spouses and SO's. I hold that to be dishonest. And I disrespect that .. because of the fact that some of you are married to women who are trying to hold on to the one that they were once in love with. And now that you've become someone other than the one she 1st fell in love with she must fall back in LOVE with someone NEW? Get a grip and fall back in love with the 1st love of your life. A hang -up ain't worth it. I mean it..,before it's too late...!Trust Me!...
I will not replow the well-hoed ground where the other ladies have already commented. But Darlena makes fundamental mistakes.

Being a crossdresser doesn't change a person. One either is something or is not. The difference is in how one acts, not the clothes one wears. If one is a guy in drab and a woman in drag, then one needs multiple personality disorder treatment!
She implies that because one is a crossdresser one naturally has fallen out of love with one's spouse. I don't see one following from the other.

Finally she says "Trust me!" Why? Trust needs to be earned. What experiences or expertise do you have, Darlena, which are so illuminating on marital relations?

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

connie rotten

12-23-2005, 03:49 PM

Were you drinking when you started this thread ? If you weren't you seem to be in a worrisome state of mind. Talk to someone who is impartial . I'm concerned for you.

suanne

12-23-2005, 04:24 PM

Well Darlena from most of the posts that I have read concerning your statements.....looks like coal and sticks in your Christmas Stocking. :eek:

If we are not careful someone's opinion might just hurt our feelings....or
make us mad or what ever.....just remember it is just an opinion, which
Webster says: "A conclusion or judgment held with confidence, but falling short of positive knowledge."

So lets all get our panties straightened out again and continue being what ever it is that we want to be. Of course thats just Suanne's opinion. ;)

Have a very Merry Christmas

Suanne

Tracy Lynn

12-23-2005, 04:43 PM

Sarahgurl371

12-24-2005, 10:03 AM

Michele,
Girls I agree this is probably a dead thread. I just wanted to publically tell Michele that I quoted your response because it was so very truthful. It struck me. So many of us struggle everyday, with ourselves, our perceptions of how will THEY react if I tell the truth. It seems that many will end up right where Michele is, or where I am almost at.

So in a thread which calls us out for being "dishonest", Michele's post was truthful, and as such tells of the very likely outcome of such honesty.

But even so, some very good points have been made.

Darlena

01-15-2006, 11:11 PM

Well thanks for the public down dressing girls. I didn't pick on anyone in particular, just a certain attitude. Do you know that it is perfectly OK to PM me? I've just returned from Holiday and just now read some of your responses. And by the way..the only reason that my real photo isn't on my avatar is because I'm using a borrowed PC right now and I don't have the technology or know how to put my pic on there. Also, I've been up front about who the avatar really is.So I'm not hiding behind her. Kiss, P.S. I appologise to any of you girls out there who were offended by my comments.

FionaAlexis

01-15-2006, 11:25 PM

I've just returned from Holiday and just now read some of your responses.

Welcome back Darlena. I suggest you check out who's been posting in your name while you've been away.

Now - what motivated your original post and to title it 'I might get kicked out?

Fiona xx

Sedona

01-15-2006, 11:35 PM

Darlena,

Well, as someone who has been known to (on rare occasion) stir the pot, I appreciate your post. I'm perhaps younger than some of those online (and older than many), and have had less life living with this secret in the age of no-internet.

I've never been married, and in the case of anyone I've thought of marrying, I've been honest. I feel so sad for those who have had this burden for years, buying, purging, buying, purging; what an awful existence.

I feel honesty is the best policy, but Darlene, some folks can afford to be more honest than others.

And, for a diversion, all the cyclists out there will love these:

http://www.teamestrogen.com/products.asp?pID=19220

If only they were on sale, and I had the guts to wear them.

-Sedona

Darlena

01-15-2006, 11:44 PM

I read them and I'm somewhat appalled at how my comments on an attitude turned into an attack on my person. I didn't single anyone out. I've been gone awhile and haven't caught up yet. But now I'm seeing how those few comments grew into a mahlstrom further inflamed by other members. Again I appologize for offending anyone. I TRUELY DO! But why attack me personally with hurtful inuendoes? I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Right now I feel really hurt by what I've read about me while I was gone. Can we all kiss and make up? I promise to be more supportive in the future. Love & kisses,

Sedona

01-16-2006, 12:05 AM

Darlena,

You're fine by me. And yes, those avalanches do sometimes come from wayward snowballs.

Hope you had a nice vacation!

Darlena

01-16-2006, 12:14 AM

Sedona Sweetie, thank you for your kind comments. It was really hard to review all of those posts. How refreshing to see something so sweet. Love & kisses,