I have a Theory

[MysticLady]

Maybe a Revelation, who knows?


Because of my experiences in my married life and from what I've read regarding the feelings of women, especially married ones, I'm beginning to believe that telling a woman that you have decided, promised, but just before you propose too, telling her of your feelings on this CDing matter. Even if it's just a tindge that you suspect may be a fluke(like me). I never told my wife anything because like I said, it was a tidbit, a fluke. From what I've read, it appears that marriages, that CDing was exposed before commitment, are more durable in this area. I suspect, that a woman hit with this mid marriage,(because of emotional, physical(children) ties, she feels cheated, humiliated, stepped on like she was poopie. Because of her "Build Sheet" this is a normal for her. As a man, my reaction too her, is what I am, now. Standing my ground. So, how to fix this "little" inconvenience I have?

Any Suggestions, before I give you another theory:heehee:, I'm still working on that one as we speak.:D

[dawnmarrie1961]

Absolutely correct. Although my ex-wife was very understanding, at first, it was the realization of the direction of transition that it was taking that inevitably caused our breakup. As opposites, male and female, attract it is only logical that too many similarities in two individuals will cause them to be repelled from each other. Hence the term "Viva la difference"!

[Tina B.]

My belief is it's not just the timing, it who you tell. The difference is, if she cuts and runs, before marriage, it's cheaper than if she does it latter, especially if there is kids involved, the Emotional loss is bigger after the fact too.
But if a women has religious fears about it, family disapproval hanging over her, even if it's just the ick factor, there is nothing that can be done about it. Now if you find a woman open to listen, learn, and empathize with you, then there is a chance. But it's all just one big crap shoot, some you think would understand, are blown away by it and get past it, some you might think would run from it, shake it off as just a thing, and they adjust. But who here tries to out guess a women?

[jessicapaige]

Well, it's probably more likely that any marriage will succeed if both parties go into it knowing potentially controversial information about each other rather than finding out much later. Buuuut then again like in everything human it's a spectrum. I'm sure there are some marriages where if she knew in her younger years it would have been a deal breaker... but later in life people might be more understanding and have stronger bonds.

Ohhhh someone needs to give us a magic infallible instruction book, right?

[robindee36]

Perhaps a corollary to the theory. A woman will accept a man in spite of what she may perceive as imperfections on the belief she can change him, shape him into what she sees as a better hubby. On that basis, going into a relationship with our 'interesting' behavior known up front just adds one more imperfection for her to work on.

On the other hand, being long into a marital relationship and then coming out can be devastating to her. Why, because she may perceive a great failure in the shaping, molding process and believe the responsibility is hers. Of course, this is not the case, it's not anyone's fault. We are what we are (in singular, I am what I am).

Many of us were drawn to the feminine long before marriage entered the picture. My supposition is more of us began dressing before we married than after the fact. Don't know for sure, but it might make an interesting spot survey.

Good luck with this thread you have created Victoria. It will be interesting to follow through the afternoon.

Hugs, Robin

[jenni_xx]

I'm not exactly sure what your theory is (blame me, I found it difficult to understand your post, so I may have missed the point completely).

It seems that you are saying that it's more likely that a relationship succeeds if you are completely honest from the very beginning. Or maybe it's just that if we are completely honest from the very beginning, then there will be no upsets further down the line (assuming that the relationship gets that far). Forgive me, but that seems rather obvious to me. And for very obvious reasons. We don't attach much significance to relationships that only lasted one or two dates, simply because there isn't much significance to be had from such "relationships".

A marriage that has lasted for X amount of years however - completely different ballgame. If you are OK with not telling a partner who you have spent a large proportion of your life with, or intend to spend the majority/the rest of your life with, the truth about who you are, what you like, etc etc, then I wish you (and your partner) the best of luck in living your lives as a charade. That sounds harsh - so I'll rephrase. I wish you the best of luck in living a life that you choose to lead at the expense of forgoing a part of who you are. Commit one way or the other. Either shove it deep into the closet so that it never comes out again, or just be honest and hope/pray for the best.

[Laura912]

Told my wife half way through 47 years of marriage. Still married and she is a great support. I dress when I want. Yes, I am lucky but this is one case against the theory.

[Rachelakld]

My theory,
My daughter believes the earth was made in 6 days, if she continues believing this for most of her life, then suddenly understands that the universe is 14 billion years old, and most atoms in our bodies and on our planet was made in a super nova (atomic fusion) a few billion years ago, where does that leave the rest of her belief system? A bit of a wrecking ball through her belief system.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Victoria, My theory on telling her is < Be careful what you wish for.

You just don't know how a woman is pre wired, Some accept it completely ,
Some like my wife tolerate it some what and some like your wife just can't handle it.

[melissakozak]

Full disclosure at age 19. Before marriage...married 21 years...total freedom to be me, although I do it away from home at certain time periods...but it still isn't easy....

[MysticLady]

It seems that you are saying that it's more likely that a relationship succeeds if you are completely honest from the very beginning. Or maybe it's just that if we are completely honest from the very beginning, then there will be no upsets further down the line (assuming that the relationship gets that far). Forgive me, but that seems rather obvious to me.

Hi Jenni, Basically what was thinking is letting her know before you really know. In other words, I like building cars. If I told her that I was going to dedicate my life to cars up front and nothing else, she may have thought about it and not really changed her opinion. But, if I would have told her, Hey , I tried mom's pantyhose when I was a kid but nothing really happened from it(and since it wasn't an issue then) she may have probably brush it aside not really thought much about it. But, the seed was planted so to speak and later when the fog hit me in life and I told her then, it may have not been as harsh too her. Just a thought.

I know, I know, I'm all confused myself.


Told my wife half way through 47 years of marriage. Still married and she is a great support. I dress when I want. Yes, I am lucky but this is one case against the theory.

You Lucky. Count your Blessings


But who here tries to out guess a women?

Mel Gibson in that movie about where he hears them telepathically. That would drive a man insane.:silly:



On the other hand, being long into a marital relationship and then coming out can be devastating to her.

Hi Robin, Yes I know. They freak out wondering if they were the cause of this. Maybe, I can somehow use it too my advantage. Will have too work on this.:D

[Beverley Sims]

Victoria,
Timing is all important and the mood has to be right.
Shooting between the eyes with it all at once is not recommended.
If I need to advance on anything I let all the water out gradually trickle by trickle.
It is easier to accept and is not noticed as much either.
Always go slow, patience has it's own rewards. :)

[kimdl93]

It's better to be honest early in a relationship with a partner about yourself...not just CDing but any other dimension of your personality and behavior. Trust is what makes and sustains a relationship. Once lost, it's very hard to recover.

The one problem with being honest about CDing is that we first have to to be honest and accepting of ourselves. So many of us, as young adults, hope that this is a passing phase or simply a sexual expression...or that we can quit and put it behind us. The shame we attach to CDing makes it even harder to be honest,with others.

It's really quite unfortunate that we often must spend a few decades learning from experience, maybe getting counseling along the way, before we have maturity to be honest with others.

[NicoleScott]

It seems that you are saying that it's more likely that a relationship succeeds if you are completely honest from the very beginning. Or maybe it's just that if we are completely honest from the very beginning, then there will be no upsets further down the line (assuming that the relationship gets that far). Forgive me, but that seems rather obvious to me. And for very obvious reasons.

I agree with this, but/and for a different reason than honesty (the trust issue). If CDing (the substance issue) is a problem...that is, some women can't be married to a CDer....and the CDing is revealed before marriage, that marriage may not happen at all. So those that do happen may tend to be more stable, at least if there are marriage problems they are less likely to be CDing-related.

[Rabecca]

I like the way Laura had done things. Get the fish hooked and then tell her there's no motor on the boat.

[docrobbysherry]

I have a theory, too, Vicky. That for some, the problem isn't that CD's try to deceive their prospective mates. It's that they deceive themselves!

Many dressers feel that their relationship has cured them of their desire to dress. And, in many cases it does. Temporarily! When the compulsion returns later in the marriage, only then do they realize they SHOULD have revealed their dressing habit to their SO.

[MatildaJ.]

The other issue is that the desire can change over time. So even if a guy mentioned before marriage that he occasionally liked to crossdress, and got his wife's enthusiastic support, that doesn't mean that she'd be happy ten years later when it turns into every single night, or when it becomes a matter of wanting to transition fully. But then none of us are guaranteed a Cinderella fairy tale ending...

[Lynn Marie]

Good theory Victoria. Although it is pretty much common knowledge on this forum. Also like Robin's corollary. So what happens when the woman just can't change the CDing aspect of her man? Hmmmm.

[Alberta_Pat]

Couldn't resist:

My Theory (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6zWjUhfj-M).

[MysticLady]

Couldn't resist:

My Theory (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6zWjUhfj-M).

:heehee:...Yes, it is a theory, but it my theory because I have claimed it my theory and therefore it's no body else's theory. Since it's my theory, I suspect that I should patent my theory so no body else can claim it as their theory. What's your theory on my theory:heehee:

Shouldn't I stake a flag or something on this?:heehee: