so this happened

[Amber_CD]

hello,

I scheduled my first appointment with a gender therapist for next week. Needless to say, I am very excited. This is the first step that many of us take toward transitioning. Since I was so excited, I decided to go out to a well known trans bar in Los Angeles to celebrate on my own. I met several girls in the smokers area who were nothing but supportive. When I expressed my interest in HRT, they were happy to give advice and share their own experiences.

This all changed when I finished my smoke and went into the bar. I approached another girl who was sitting by herself and staring at the floor. I told her that I thought she was very pretty (truth). She was flattered and we struck up a conversation. Keep in mind that I am totally in guy mode during this. Somehow she brought up the subject of orientation. I admitted that i have only occasionally been attracted to guys and that i'm mostly attracted to females, genetic or otherwise.

She then felt it necessary to explain that she believed me to be a straight guy, who should stay that way. She said that transition would only leave me alone and confused and that I should remain male or otherwise live out my days depressed and unfulfilled. Until that moment I felt invincible, but she brought me down so fast and so hard that I had to leave the bar. I'll admit that I cried a lil on my way home.

So I ask you, what the f***? How and why would a sister say that. We all share in the same struggle for acceptance. Am I naive to think that our own community would be supportive of a new girl in the beginning of her transition? Or was it just her? Is this common among the trans community?

Thx,
Amber

[Angela Campbell]

She may have come to that idea because you were in a trans bar dressed as a man. Did you ask her why she said that? Maybe she was going through a rough time.

[Nigella]

There could have been lots of little cues you were giving off that led to this statement. As Ellen said, you were in a bar as a dude, no matter how you feel, how you present is one of the biggest visual clues available to all.

[stefan37]

So you were talking to a group of girls and they gave encouragement and support, yet one individual caused you to get all upset and leave. Do not let it get you down, there will be many more moments that leave you hurt and speechless. Look forward to your appt and be excited. Discuss honestly with your therapist and take it from there. there are many options available other than transition. Discuss these options with your therapist as you explore yourself. Transition is very serious business and it takes many years. Hormones are powerful agents, they alter your body and brain at the cellular level. Many of the effects are irreversible after a time. Discuss with you therapist how you feel about maintaining male function. That girl you met at the bar may have been saying in her own way do not transition unless absolutely necessary. If you have the need to transition you will need to develop a much thicker skin. There will be many disappointments along the way. How you manage those challenges will have a huge effect on how successful your transition is.

Good luck with therapy.

[I Am Paula]

I've met some of the bitchiest trans folk in gay bars. Usually, tho', I meet really nice ones. Too bad on such a momentous day, you found one of the bitchy ones. I've met some nasty cis people in my life too. Good luck at the therapist. My therapists best piece of advice- You ARE a girl, don't let anybody tell you differently.

[Angela Campbell]

My therapist made me come to that conclusion because I am the only one who could really know that. What he did tell me is it is ok to be a girl.

[kimdl93]

Each person views life through the lens of their own experiences. Some people, even straight males, end up alone because,either they can't seem to get the knack of relationships or they choose to...among,other reasons.

Her experiences do not predict your's or anyone else's.

[arbon]

I've had a couple Transsexuals (not including those here) say say things to discourage me from transistion. It's okay, it's just fair warning of how it could go, stuff for you think about make sure your doing the right thing

Some people sail through transition hardly an issue at all but for other it turns into a real hard deal

[Angela Campbell]

When someone tries to discourage me it only strengthens my resolve.

[docrobbysherry]

I have heard that some trans women, (after completing transitioning), have changed their sexual preferences afterwards. Maybe that woman was simply expressing her experience about that possibility? And, trying to warn u?

[gonegirl]

Hi Amber,

I echo everything Stefan said, plus if you think you are going to start hormone therapy then stop smoking ASAP. Some endocrinologists won't even prescribe you meds if you smoke because of the increased health risks.

Simone.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Amber, I wouldn't be too down about the girl who was on her own at the bar. From your description she did already seem to be down about something. She may just have been trying to warn you that there can be difficult times to face. Or perhaps she fancied you.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing in finding yourself a reputable gender therapist. I hope you will let us know how you get on next week.

If you truly are transsexual, the chances are that doing nothing is what will eventually leave you depressed and unfulfilled, so take your time, make sure what you are doing feels right for you and don't forget we will be here to support you.

[KellyJameson]

It is important to remember that having a tentative hold on your gender identity as most transsexuals do leaves them filled with self doubt so they are desperate for symbols that they are the real deal.

Sexually desiring men is one of those symbols.

You are going to meet transsexuals who spend inordinate amounts of time proving to others they are woman because they do not believe it themselves.

it is very similar to people pushing religion onto others because they have questions about their own faith so need reassurance that what they believe is true by others agreeing with them or meeting the standards of faith.

Whenever you encounter aggression and hostility among transsexuals about who is or who is not a transsexual I urge you to disengage from them because they will only cause you confusion and bring harm to you.

They have a fear based investment in the fragility of their own identity that will damage your own search for self.

The more you are involved in the transsexual community the more you will be exposed to massive amounts of self loathing and self doubt as attacks on you.

You are stepping into a very volatile world and if you are going to survive you must have strong emotional boundaries in place.

Never allow someone to harm you because of their own insecurities and grandiosity. These types of people will be poisonous to you.

My advice to most transsexuals is to avoid being to involved in the transsexual community for their own emotional well being until your own gender identity is so firm nothing can touch it.

Think of it like walking through a field of land mines where you must be very careful where you step. Watch for toxic relationships and emotional vampires.

It is paradoxical that you need the very people who can harm you the most to understand yourself.

Thread carefully.

[Angela Campbell]

I can understand why some would discourage it. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. All the ts girls I know in Florida are never like that though. They understand what each other is going through and we support each other and talk about our experiences.

[Amber_CD]

Thanks for all of the positivity. I was pretty drunk at the time. I think that's why I let her get to me. The other girls were so nice, but I chose to focus on the one negative person. Oh well, I'm over it now. Fishing for compliments in a dive bar filled with creepers and chasers was probably my first mistake. I did make a friend though. When I told her I was trans, she asked if I was FtM. Seems like a compliment, since I was in full guy mode. I guess she saw some femaleness behind my stubble. That made me smile. Anywho, therapy tomorrow. Yay! My first real step.

thx