Epic Purge

[Aubrey lee]

Hello,

Roughly 2 years ago when things began to get serious with my S/O I had a purge of epic proportion. Everything and I mean everything went (clothes, shoes, make up, wig, bags, underwear the whole show.) I was ok for quite some time but about 6 months ago I began to have the urge to dress again. I began trying on some of my s/o's things when she was out and now I feel as though I am starting back at square one with an additional hurdle. I know I need to tell my S/O before I can begin to dress again but the thought of breaking the news is difficult. We are very much in love and she is very open minded but for some reason I am terrified of telling her. I guess I always fear the worst because I have had some shitty things happen to me in the past. None the less any advice on how to approach my situation would be greatly appreciated. thanks

[Beverley Sims]

Aubrey,
People do have these epic purges.
They do not work.
Coming out to your SO, there is a lot of info to be gleaned from this forum and a few of the girls here have good advic on coming out.
I am not experienced at it as I have been lucky.

[MysticLady]

Hello,
Roughly 2 years ago when things began to get serious with my S/O I had a purge of epic proportion. Everything and I mean everything went (clothes, shoes, make up, wig, bags, underwear the whole show.)..

Hi Aubrey, I think that is where you made your mistake. (throwing away all your goodies. Mucho bucks down the drain). I suspect what you should have done was too put the CDing away for a little bit until you realized where you were going with this woman. If it's getting serious, wait until before you decide too propose, give her the news and let her simmer on it for a while, then propose at a later date. If she declines, then you know where your at with this woman. Rather her reject you now, not because you a bad man, but it'll be that she still needs to learn how to control her insecurities.



I know I need to tell my S/O before I can begin to dress again but the thought of breaking the news is difficult. We are very much in love and she is very open minded but for some reason I am terrified of telling her.

Your terrified because of the "rejection" you may get. If you do get that, would you rather not get it now then 20 years down the road w/ equity and kids involved. Economics at work, here.

[edith]

Definitely browse around, there are tons of good advice threads on this topic. From my own experience I can tell you that finally accepting myself as a crossdresser and coming out to my wife about it after years of deception and purges and self-loathing has been one of the best and most liberating experiences of my life.

[jenni_xx]

This kind of thing has happened so many times. Start a new relationship, the urge to dress completely goes away. A few months later (or for some a while longer), and the desire to dress starts to creep back in again. My own theory is that a new relationship provides it's own excitement that we don't need the excitement of dressing. But as a relationship goes on, the excitement of the relationship wears away, and sooner or later the dressing comes back to the fore.

The problem with purging is it's lack of foresight. Of course, another problem with purging is that because the feelings to cd will invariably come back at some point, it's an expensive thing to do to replace the things that we've lost. It's not a case of you starting again at square one (well in one sense it is, as you have to start your collection all over again), but rather that we come to realise that purging is in itself a pointless exercise. Something which no doubt the majority of us go through and experience.

So now you find yourself at the stage where you need to tell your S/O. I have to ask the question (and this is a question aimed more generally). Are CD's in general not truthful about themselves at the beginning of a new relationship, because when they commence on a new relationship, their desires to CD at such a time are not as prevalent, as important? Do the feelings and experiences of getting to know a person, fall in love with a person, and all the excitement that that experience brings, usurp your "CD tendencies"?

This leads to another question that perhaps should be asked. When things aren't going too well in our lives, do we turn to CDing as a form of comfort, a way to escape the trials and stresses of life? And then when we are in a comfortable state in our lives, do we then seek out CDing as a form of stipulation/excitement? These are questions that I've often wondered about myself.

Anyway, in regards to your situation Aubrey, my advice would be to stop right away the wearing of your S/O's clothes. They are simply not yours. They do not belong to you. You say you need to tell your S/O, and of course the thought of doing so, the practicality of doing so is extremely difficult. But what would you rather have - a relationship in which you are holding a significant part of yourself back, away from your partner, meaning that on a conscious level you will never be able to be truly honest with her? Or a relationship in which you are completely honest, up front, open, and expressive? The answer to that will lie, perhaps not so much with you, but with how you feel your partner will react. You say that she is open-minded. I've heard that said many times before only for it to transpire to not be the case when it comes to CDing.

But my advice to you would be, if you do decide to tell her - and I think that is what you should decide to do - the key to acceptance lies in how YOU broach the subject. How YOU explain it. How YOU portray YOURSELF. Too many of us, naturally so, feel guilty about it. Portray ourselves when we tell our partners as shameful, embarrassed, terrified. The kind of emotions that a woman will not, even if only subconsciously, regard as attractive emotions for her man to have. In effect, we weaken ourselves, and this is never, in my opinion, a good thing. So if you do tell her, lose your feelings of being terrified. Lose your inhibitions, lose your sense of shame. There is nothing to feel ashamed about.

The reaction from your partner may well be one of lack of acceptance. If that transpires, then so be it. But I generally believe that we feed off the people closest to us, and they feed off us in turn. If you explain your cding in such a way that it is something to be embarrassed about, then your partner is likely to pick up on that, even if only subconsciously, and reject what it is you are telling her. On the other hand, if you are confident, explain it truthfully and without embarrassment or shame, then it is much more likely to have a positive outcome for you.

In short, if you do decide to tell her, do so with a confident heart. An honest heart. Then, even if she rejects you as a result, you can still walk away with your head held high. After all, there is nothing wrong with being honest and true.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Stephanie47]

Now is the time to find out if she is as open minded as you believe. Too many people are open minded as long as it's not happening in their own back yard. I would never push cross dressing on any woman. Don't expect participation. Sure, it may happen and that would be icing on the cake. I would settle for her having the knowledge so she can decide what level of acceptance and participation. If that means DADT or negotiated boundaries, so be it! My wife has the knowledge and she does not participate at all. It seems too many cross dressers push spousal acceptance as validation of who they are. If you're true to yourself, then your woman will recognize it. There is no reason to torment yourself throughout life.

[Trishpdxcd2]

That is a very hard question for anyone to answer, to tell your wife or not. It is different for everyone. I hate keeping the secret but it is easy for me as I have no children and plenty of opportunity to dress. I don't tell my wife for fear she will see me differently and eventually leave me. I can't imagine life without her so I stay closeted. Different people here have different perspectives on that so you have to do what is right for you. If you decide to go that route, look through the posts, especially the ones by a gg Renee....she offers very sound advice...

[jenni_xx]

If you decide to go that route, look through the posts, especially the ones by a gg Renee....she offers very sound advice...

Everyone here offers sound advice. The "trick" is to listen to what EVERYONE has to say, to take on board what EVERYONE does say, and then go with what you feel is best for your own situation.

[kimdl93]

Life is made of how we respond to risks and face challenges. You can go on feeling bad about yourself or face your fears.

[Jolene]

I am not in your situation but if I ever was, maybe the way to bring up my dressing would be to have her go into my bedroom closet and to see what was hanging there. She would see all of jolene's things and maybe would ask me if there was another lady in my life. My answer would be if only it were that simple.
Just a thought.

[MatildaJ.]

The problem with purging is it's lack of foresight. Of course, another problem with purging is that because the feelings to cd will invariably come back at some point, it's an expensive thing to do to replace the things that we've lost. It's not a case of you starting again at square one (well in one sense it is, as you have to start your collection all over again), but rather that we come to realise that purging is in itself a pointless exercise. Something which no doubt the majority of us go through and experience.

This is a little off-topic, but I think maybe crossdressers shouldn't kick themselves for purging. As a GG I wish I had the discipline to get rid of old clothes that aren't stylish anymore, and to change my hairstyle a little more often than once a decade. Purging and repurchasing things may feel like a waste, but it certainly makes the CD a little more stylish than if they still wore their wigs & clothes from ten years ago!

As to the original question, I'm a big fan of being honest, but in small doses. Mention that you like to wear silky clothes, then if that goes over well, a few weeks later mention that you like to wear panties. If that goes well, mention that you'd like to wear a skirt around the house sometimes, and would she help you shop for it. Etc. Along the way, of course you have to be willing to answer any questions she has. And if you do know that you'd like to transition, don't make any permanent plans with her (buying a house, her quitting her job, having children) without getting that fact out in the open. Just my two cents.

[MysticLady]

My own theory is that a new relationship provides it's own excitement that we don't need the excitement of dressing.

Hi Jenni. My theory is, that you have a theory. My theory is that your theory will be like a theory I had a while back. Not, that my theory is better or that I own the theory(no patent yet:heehee:) but, that this theory is also everybody else's theory. So, my theory is that this is probably not a theory. I would like to hear your theory on that theory:heehee:. Sorry, you'll need to read my theory post to get this, thanks to Alberta Pat for starting this.:hugs:


If you're true to yourself, then your woman will recognize it. There is no reason to torment yourself throughout life.

Very Nice Stephanie. I'm sure no woman will want a man that's not true to himself. I wonder though.



As to the original question, I'm a big fan of being honest, but in small doses. Mention that you like to wear silky clothes, then if that goes over well, a few weeks later mention that you like to wear panties. If that goes well, mention that you'd like to wear a skirt around the house sometimes, and would she help you shop for it. Etc. Along the way, of course you have to be willing to answer any questions she has.

Hello Jess. Thank You for your participation here. With all due respect, what if she becomes adamant right off the bat? I'm not going too spend a lifetime babying her needs. You want too Rock and Roll w/ me, then lets, otherwise, go find you someone else.

[jenni_xx]

Hi MysticLady.

Yeah, I read the reply to your post as well. Good old Monty Python eh?

[MysticLady]

Yes, that was a funny one. Thank God for Goob tube

[MatildaJ.]

what if she becomes adamant right off the bat? I'm not going too spend a lifetime babying her needs.

Exactly right. If she's deadset against dating someone who likes silky clothes and likes to wear panties, then it seems like they're incompatible and it's best to find that out sooner rather than later.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Audrey, whatever you do, the first thing you MUST do is stop wearing her clothes! If you wreck something, or she catches you, you will be in big trouble.

Here's something you might try... Buy something girly you can wear all regularly that is difficult to identify as female and see if stealth dressing satisfies your urges. For example, knee high black stockings. If you are somewhere that knee highs might give you away, just slip them down to your ankles; when they are down around your ankles they look like male socks..

Dee

[MysticLady]

Audrey, whatever you do, the first thing you MUST do is stop wearing her clothes! If you wreck something, or she catches you, you will be in big trouble.

Well, I don't know. I wear her bra on my head once and she just started busting up. She was cool w/ that:heehee:.

[Aubrey lee]

Thank u all for your posts. I have tried to slowly give small hints. I have tried on one of her dresses in front of her and even put on her bikini bottom. I'm pretty sure she would take it ok. The other huge portion of this for me is my job. I love it but it tends to be a rather male dominated field and I feel as though my dressing somehow won't mesh with her vision of me and my profession. I hate how we are all automatically put into groups based on out professions.

[MatildaJ.]

I have tried to slowly give small hints. I have tried on one of her dresses in front of her and even put on her bikini bottom. I'm pretty sure she would take it ok.

That's wonderful! Have you tried shopping online for some small items of clothing (panties, shoes, stockings, etc.), and asking what she would think if you got them?

[giuseppina]

Hello Aubrey

It`s been the general consensus here that purges don`t help anyone but clothes manufacturers.

Please stop using your SO`s things. They generally see it as a privacy violation.

This thread, while old and closed, is originated by a respected GG who no longer posts. It is a good start on how to tell your partner:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

One of the things Marla says is hinting generally doesn`t achieve the desired result.

[Aubrey lee]

So ladies I was 100 percent honest. It went over very well could not be happier !! : )

[JenniferR771]

Way to go, Aubrey! She is a keeper. And you must have been well-prepared with information.
Now love her and respect her--give her time to absorb and adjust to the new reality.