This is driving me nuts!

[Ashley D.]

I would love some input on how to dill with this problem.
I have been full time now for about five months. With only one problem.
I can't get the people closest to me to stop calling me He,Him,or using my old name.
With the exception of a few my family is very supportive.
Why can't they get how bad this hurts me?

[Angela Campbell]

It will take a long time and maybe will never happen. When I was 11 I changed my name, from using my first name to my middle name. 44 years later some still call me the wrong name. I went back to my first name around 33 years old and still some call me the middle name. They know but just cannot get past what they are used to.

You need to forgive them, at least they did not disown you and are supportive. That alone is a lot to ask for. It will get better but it may take years especially for the older ones.

[Trisha65]

All I can is to have a nice talk with them, starting with the ones that are most supportive first and tell them how it bothers you. They might not even realize what they are saying.

In my case, the name part almost started as a nickname when I was a small child since I like to play with my sisters dolls. As I had a long period of being gender neutral growing up, I did have some issues still getting called he, him, my boy, but as soon as I mentioned to my parents that I knew that I should have been a girl and that I wanted to transition, it more or less stopped. Today, no issues at all.

[Eryn]

It is difficult. I'm hyper-conscious of gender issues and I still slip up, even with one of my best friends. I realized an instant after the "him" escaped my lips what I had done and felt terrible because I know that she is sensitive about this. Still, what is said cannot be unsaid and I truly meant no harm. She knows that.

The important thing, IMO, is how they treat you, not how they call you. If they are treating you well then it would be a good idea to have a little private talk wherein you ask them to be sensitive to your feelings and to use the correct pronouns. Thereafter, don't get mad at them if they slip. We're all human.

[I Am Paula]

For the most part, those around me try their best. It's almost worse when they point out their slip. Those that knew the former me have the hardest time. It's all just par for the course. Tell your friends and family, if they misgender you, just keep going. You could also, gently, try to explain how important pronouns are to you.

The one exception. My wife will not call me my female name. And also uses husband a lot. She is the only one I will forever excuse. It's hard enough having me transitioning before her eyes, so I'm sure she's hanging onto something of our past. She tries so hard to understand, and accept.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Ashley, I have a similar problem in my house. My 91 year old dad is very supportive, uses my name but still refers to me as "he" and "him", in consequence, my supportive brother sometimes uses the same words to talk back to my dad about me. I did say something to my brother but he said that apart from when he genuinely makes a mistake it also is harder to remember to use the right pronouns when my dad uses the wrong ones.

I picked up on the slip with a very close and, initially extremely supportive, friend early on and actually upset her to the point that she is less actively supportive than she had been. Sometimes it is best to remember that people have known the old you for a very long time and have to unlearn who you were.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Depends on what your birth name was / is & to change that to other, what that may be . give then time remember how old you are & they have known you only as your name.

For myself i did not need a change because noel or no-el is both male / female i was going to stay with no-el .

any way i was asked what are we going to call you, no idear so i said noeleen. till a R N said no no its to be noeleena. so it is, noeleen'a'

so from noel edward plus two other names its noeleena edwina Loch-head, or my german name of noel'e' .

My name of noeleena was changed & over night because of the media thankfully every one has from that day called myself noeleena, except two who to them has been noel till about 2 months ago now call me noeleena, i did not ask them too in fact i said you call me noel as youv allways done,

Of cause Jos will allways call me noel well after 39 years why change though Jos will if some people = friends are around,

Its never bothered me at all , oh my other two names mannfried Von Reutchthos figger that out youll know a bit about my background / history.

Not knowing the people all i know is once youv been intrdoused as ...name...its hard for some to change in how they see you its like change the programe = mind & very hard or they dont wont to change,

I thought what will i do so i thought just roll with it no matter what im called, let them get there at thier pace & itll only be for a time just dont get thier backs up itll be worse for you theyll get used to you.

...noeleena...

[Sandra]

You have to remember that they have for years been saying him/he and your old name and changing doesn't come over night. I occasionally slip up with Nigella no malice meant it just happens.

Keep on correcting them when it happens, try not to get angry with them just tell them that you don't want to be addressed like that. Now if they continue after you have spoken to them then be more firmer with them.

This may seem silly but my family used to call me Sam no my name isn't Samantha so why shorten my name, it got to the stage where when they called me Sam I ignored them, they soon learnt not to call me that.

[BOBBI G.]

I have two very close friends, both female GG, and they have known me the majority of all our lives. They both still call me by my former name, But I figure that is ok. At least they are still calling me and writing.

Bobbi

[Jorja]

Driving you nuts? Well, at least it will be a short trip. :)

Family is usually the worst at using the proper pronouns. There isn't much you can do about this except not answer or respond when they talk to you until the proper pronoun and name is used. Just keep at them about it. Maybe someday they will get it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My advice...
get used to it...
as long as you have an intuitive sense that they love and care for you and they are trying their best...it will work itself out over time..

if there are times when it gets to you, be nice, tell them how it feels but I think if you are surrounded by good people there is no reason to get upset..


frankly it is one of the many false expectations of transition that once you go full time, you will get called she and her by everyone around you...it just doesn't work that way...

[Barbara Ella]

Please take to heart the sentiments given here. If they have no malice in their heart when they slip up, they can be forgiven. Do think about having a talk with your closest supporters to let them know how much you appreciate their kindness and recognition of who you are, and ask if they are aware of any special reason why some of the others, maybe their friends, just can't seem to get the hang of recognizing and addressing you as the woman you are. Perhaps word of this could then "leak" back to those individuals. Regardless of what happens, take solace in the fact that they are still talking to you and have not walked away from who you really are.

Barbara