Weird comment from restaurant hostess

[Kali]

Met a trans friend for dinner last night at a chain steakhouse (she gets her name legally changed tomorrow and wanted to pre-celebrate a little). The staff was all pleasant and friendly, but when I walked in the hostess looked at me and said "Are you looking for another one?" in a bright and chipper voice.

Should could have simply met another single person but that was a truly odd way to put it.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

[Lacyfem]

Yes, not a good thing to say but it does say you're not quite passable. Me neither!

[Kali]

Yes, not a good thing to say but it does say you're not quite passable. Me neither!

I'm 6'5" in flats and 280 lbs. I don't ever expect to be passable. But I try to dress appropriately and look put together.

And flaunt the cleavage, just to confuse people :)

My friend is simply very androgynous looking. So it was somewhat strange.

[MysticLady]

"Are you looking for another one?" in a bright and chipper voice.

Should could have simply met another single person but that was a truly odd way to put it.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

I would have said, yes Maam, in a loud manly voice. I most definitely do not want too be confused for a GG.(no offense Girls) :heehee:

[Kali]

I would have said, yes Maam, in a loud manly voice. I most definitely do not want too be confused for a GG.(no offense Girls) :heehee:

I've always been very soft-spoken. I've always found big guys who were loud and overtly macho kind of annoying, in that "attention *****" sort of way.

[Jana]

Unfortunately people seem to default to rudeness when faced with people, ideas or things they don't fully know or understand. The hostess' comment was totally inappropriate and unwarranted.

[Kimberly Renee]

maybe a slip, maybe a clunky, mis-worded way of asking if you were joining someone already seated. (sometimes words just get in the way) Your friend prolly asked for a table for 2 and that you would be along. doesn't have to be interpreted as a comment on your appearance.

[arbon]

I would have asked her "another one? What do you mean?"

[Tracii G]

Another what? Thats what I would have asked to put her on the spot.

[DebbieL]

Some chains include diversity training as part of their orientation. Other chains only address this with management. Laws also vary from state to state, and even within states, enforcement and culture may vary quite a bit. In 1991, in Colorado, I would be addressed based on my presentation in Denver, and had access to facilities, and there were legal protections. 60 miles south, in Colorado Springs, a manager threatened to have me arrested for using the ladies' room at his restaurant.

In Austin and Dallas, there are large LGBT populations and better support and protections. In Houston, you could be attacked and the perpetrator would get a slap on the wrist, but if you fought back, you would be facing the maximum penalty.

Sometimes, people who have no culture that supports transgender and diversity don't understand that we are PEOPLE, and would like to addressed based on our attempted presentation. What is most offensive is being referred to as an "It" or "One of those", like we are objects or non-people. When it happens, I just assume that they were probably home-schooled, or went to Wasilla High, or some place equally isolated from a world of diversity. The were just never taught that manners apply to ALL people.

There have been a few times when kids have been particularly insulting. I'll turn, and in a sweet voice I'll say "I have a second wife, 2 children, never missed a child support payment, and make a nice 6 figure income. I've also never been violent. Can you say the same about the most masculine men you know?".

Amazing how quickly there is a new respect for "the guy in a dress".

[Lacyfem]

Yes being 6'2" in flats myself I understand and like others have said you could have or should have put her on the spot. Would have been fun. Either way you have great clevage!

[Eryn]

Muggles are often unprepared to deal with us and sometimes they slip up. They may not realize how sensitive we can be to being "made." Her statement may seem odd, but I don't see any disrespect. She was just trying to get you together with your friend in an efficient manner.

Look, If we want to become part of the "mainstream" we have to accept that we will be recognized occasionally. This isn't such a bad thing if we are treated as just another group of people!

Let's say that we did something to strike back at this hostess, such as a complaint or a snide comment. Would that have made her think better of us? I sincerely doubt it.

[Wildaboutheels]

"in a bright and chipper voice."

???

Maybe she simply took YOUR bait, ["And flaunt the cleavage, just to confuse people"] and decided to do a little fishing of her own?

That's the catch when one goes fishing?

[Melissa Rose]

Eryn said exactly what I going to say, but much better than I would have.

[MysticLady]

Muggles are often unprepared to deal with us and sometimes they slip up.

That's a new one. A muggle. I wonder how many muggles lurk the boards?:D

[Karan]

Maybe she had justed seated another one of us and assumed you were meeting there for diner.

[Vickie_CDTV]

She might have meant "Are you looking for someone like yourself?" and being nervous might have cut herself off. She might have read both of you and just assumed you were performers, or folks coming from a costume party. For most of the cis population we are rarities and not something they see everyday, and she might not have been sure what to say. I would not assume it was necessarily coming from a place of malice.

[t-girlxsophie]

Sometimes I think that rather than being cheeky,some remarks from staff may come from simply being a little apprehensive upon meeting one of us,could be the girl was unsure of herself,or what to say

Sophie

[Sometimes Steffi]

I always like to throw about fear, uncertainty and doubt. While I know I wouldn't have been quick enough on the draw (I don't usually think fast on my feet), this is what I think would be a good response.

Um, yeah, but there's supposed to be six of us

the implication being that 4 of us already snuck by you without you even noticing.

[nvlady]

You should have put your hand on your breast and said "Did I lose one?"

[ImAlexis]

Ever have something in your head that sounds fine, and then it when comes out it's sorta of like, "Well, that didn't quite come out like I imagined."

[Rachel Morley]

Muggles are often unprepared to deal with us and sometimes they slip up. They may not realize how sensitive we can be to being "made." Her statement may seem odd, but I don't see any disrespect. She was just trying to get you together with your friend in an efficient manner.

Look, If we want to become part of the "mainstream" we have to accept that we will be recognized occasionally. This isn't such a bad thing if we are treated as just another group of people!

Let's say that we did something to strike back at this hostess, such as a complaint or a snide comment. Would that have made her think better of us? I sincerely doubt it.

This is an awesome post and most definitely something I agree with. :thumbsup::thumbsup: (two thumbs up!)

[Chickhe]

I had that comment beofre...nother to do with gender... its just her saying there is only one other alone person waiting for someone. Asking, are you with another 'one'?

[heatherdress]

Muggles are often unprepared to deal with us and sometimes they slip up. They may not realize how sensitive we can be to being "made." Her statement may seem odd, but I don't see any disrespect. She was just trying to get you together with your friend in an efficient manner.

Look, If we want to become part of the "mainstream" we have to accept that we will be recognized occasionally. This isn't such a bad thing if we are treated as just another group of people!

Let's say that we did something to strike back at this hostess, such as a complaint or a snide comment. Would that have made her think better of us? I sincerely doubt it.

Three thumbs up.

[audreyinalbany]

or you could have just said, "Oh, I thought YOU were him."

[Beverley Sims]

Many a time I have mismatched a voice to gender, when you are serving you get a ten second glimpse of the person in between the transaction which can take thirty seconds or more. Look next time see how long eye contact stays with you.

[josrphine]

Hi All, The other night my GG and i went out for dinner at the British Pub. After we had sat down , the young girl checking everyone. Kept on Peeking at me. I saw her in the mirror that they had at each end of the aisle. I told my GG an she saw her too, we laugh an had our dinner. As we checked out as no one was near her I said too her hi is there something wrong, she said I was just admiring you. My mother is your age an I wish she would clean up as I thing she as good looking as you. I said thank you . Little did she know I was a 72 yr old man. Boy did I fell great, my GG laugh,

[Wildaboutheels]

Just a suggestion. I think you or anyone else is highly likely to treat interactions with JD public/sales asscociates/waiters etc., a bit differently after watching even just ONE episode of NGCs BRAIN GAMES.

Turns out, almost everyone's brain is very efficient at leaping to conclusions. [which are often wrong].

It seems to be extremely pronounced with CDers of every kind.

[ReineD]

It's always shocking to know we're read. My SO and I were at a restaurant recently and the busboy addressed my SO politely as "sir". We both thought that she was passing very well, or perhaps we both slip into the attitude that very few people will notice that she is not a GG, and it was a disappointment to be addressed that way.

[Tracii G]

I have to agree Reine.
When you think you look your absolute best people will still read you.

[Lorileah]

I might have said "No ma'am I am looking for "THE" one. I was hoping they would be here tonight." The comment she made seems likes a "no harm no foul" thing. I am getting things like that more and more (but then again maybe because I am now almost full time). I have a friend who just cannot get past it and still greets me with "MY MAN!" which I am neither in either sense :)


That's a new one. A muggle. I wonder how many muggles lurk the boards?:D

None, they are all either TGs or "admirers" as some here say. Muggles don't get to see our world.

[Sarah Beth]

I knows someone from online who has worked in the restaurant business for a long time. So I emailed her and posed the question as to what this hostess could have meant or should have said. What she sent back to me was that often times if someone has come in and let the hostess know they were expecting someone they ask if other singles when they come in if they are looking for "another party of one". I'm not saying that was the case here but maybe that's what she meant and was a bit flustered. She was using a pleasant voice when she asked.

[Lynn Marie]

It's always shocking to know we're read.

I'm never shocked that I'm read. Even though I give it my very best effort, I fully expect to be read and I'm never suprised. Actually I am surprised when I'm not read! LOL

The OP states that he knows quite well that he doesn't pass and he was meeting with a trans friend. No shock at being read there. So what's this thread about? Most folks have no idea that there's a large community of CD's out there and they very often have no idea how to address us. I truly believe that they will do their best to be gracious and I do my best to be gracious in turn. I'm neither embarrassed or hurt if someone I meet uses the wrong pronoun or gets flustered when I show up. I do my best to make it a light encounter so we can all enjoy ourselves. Are we being a little over-sensitive here?

[Kali]

No one was killed in the making of the original post.

As I said, I thought it was a weird thing to say. Not insulting, not nasty, just a very odd turn of phrase. And she probably did mean "another party of one"; she was probably just flustered, but tried to cover it. As I also said, everyone working at the restaurant was pleasant to us. The girl who opened the door just said "Good evening Ma'am".

The hostesses statement stood out because it was just a weird thing to say.

[Eryn]

Reine, it is not pleasant to be read, but as I acquire more experience it doesn't bother me as much. I was enjoying a dessert at a deli with friends when I noticed a busboy cleaning an adjoining table who was staring at me more than I'm used to. I looked back at him, smiled and went on having fun with my friends. That's what a GG would have done.

What did he see? A very tall 50ish woman with a deepish voice. He could certainly be suspicious of my genetic gender, but there is no way that he could be sure. If I became nervous or angry I would support his suspicions. By going on with my normal activities I blunt his suspicions. Pretty soon something else comes along to distract the observer and life goes on.

The same applies to those dreaded teenagers. If I go slinking off it empowers them. If I continue my normal activity it gives them time to think and let a little doubt form in their minds. If appropriate, moving closer to them works even better!