Bad coming out timing.

[I Am Paula]

I have been coming out one person at a time for the last month or so. Usually face to face, some times by a well composed email. There is one more 'block' of friends, colleagues, and aquaintances that I've been waiting to contact as a group. This shouldn't present a problem, except...
Today my male self (YUCK!) was invited to a wedding where all this group will be at once. The wedding is Sept 15. If I come out now, I'll be the center of attention on a day that the bride should be the only focus. Waiting until after means attending in drab (almost unfathomable, the major manifestation of my GD was an inability to function in social circumstances as a male). Not attending is not an option, as I am the sound and lighting girl for the band, as well as a guest.
If anyone has a suggestion for how to get out of this pickle, please reply.
If I had even one more month to let my coming out fade out of peoples minds I'd be fine, but right now it would be the talk of the wedding. (Not good to steal the wedding couples thunder) I feature prominently in this group, even tho' I moved away to start transition. I further screwed myself by volunteering my services, and equipment before fully thinking this thru'. It would be hard to explain why I sent in a substitute sound engineer at this point. Short of falling on my own sword, I don't have a great idea.
Suck it up, and go drab? Help.

[Angela Campbell]

Explain it to the couple to be married. Let them know that if you come it will be as "you" not him, and if they feel it will be a distraction, then bow out gracefully and send a substitute and a very nice wedding gift.

[Ineke Vashon]

...the major manifestation of my GD was an inability to function in social circumstances as a male). Not attending is not an option, as I am the sound and lighting girl for the band, as well as a guest.

(Not good to steal the wedding couples thunder) I feature prominently in this group, even tho' I moved away to start transition. I further screwed myself by volunteering my services, and equipment before fully thinking this thru'. It would be hard to explain why I sent in a substitute sound engineer at this point.

Suck it up, and go drab? Help.

You're very considerate to think of the bride's priority, not to steal her day.

Since you can concentrate on being a sound engineer and thus avoid or minimize having to deal socially as a male for this one occasion, I'd say 'suck it up' and go drab this once and give the big day to the bride.

Alternatively, a white lie such as "conflict of schedule, unexpected trip out of town" etc., can serve to explain a substitute.

Your big day will be the next social event. Just thinking out loud.

Ineke

[MatildaJ.]

Since it's obviously possible to say you're not feeling well and send a substitute sound engineer instead, I'm curious whether you really want to go and are just wishing there were some way to do that without taking attention away from the bride & groom.

I think almostalady's advice is perfect. Come out to the couple, and offer to send a substitute sound engineer if they feel your presence would be a distraction. That said, I bet they will want the real you at their wedding.

[mikiSJ]

Suck it up, and go drab? Help.

Yep! Like you mentioned: it is her day and not yours! Even if you told her about Celeste, you would still be a distraction to some of the guests and: it is her day and not yours!

[arbon]

When I was early in transition I did go to a few things presenting as male and was very miserable for it. In hindsight I would have gone as myself, not making a big deal and worrying about it. Why did I need to keep torturing my self because I was worried about how others would react? People will react to it however they will, but I really doubt your going to be the center of attention.

[Princess Grandpa]

Can you handle one more day as dude? Only you know how hard that would be for you.

Hug
Rita

[MatildaJ.]

Now I'm really curious what a woman would wear as a sound engineer at a wedding.

[I Am Paula]

Stage black, but nicer. I wear blk. Dress pants, blouse and ballets. Yes I wear makeup and have my hair done. I usually have a few hours after soundcheck to clean up. Load in is hell on the manicure tho'.

[Leona]

Talk to the bride first, then the groom. if they're still your friends, offer to go in drab if it means that much to you. They already know how you are as a male, how bad would one more day be?

In the meantime, you start the ball rolling to finish off this group of friends so you never have to face this dilemma again. :)

[sandra-leigh]

How prominent are you as a guest? You are not "best man" for example, but do you have any role other than to be there? If you do not, then how "obvious" do you need to present to be comfortable with yourself?

[Ariamythe]

I don't know how big this group of friends is, and thus how the logistics would work, but I'm going to toss an alternative out there for consideration:

Is it possible for you to make the effort and visit / see / have coffee with these people ahead of time, so that they get a chance to get over the shock and awe before the wedding? If they've already seen you, talked to you, been around you, then you'd cease to be a novelty on the big day. Again, that may be difficult if this is a large or geographically spread-out group, but if it's possible it could let you both avoid distracting the wedding AND avoid going drab.

[I Am Paula]

How prominent are you as a guest? You are not "best man" for example, but do you have any role other than to be there? If you do not, then how "obvious" do you need to present to be comfortable with yourself?

Not very. I alienated myself from them to pursue more feminine pursuits. I originally wasn't even invited, although I will know every single person there. With my big mouth, when the band said they were going to use a local sound and lighting company, I said I would do it as a freebie, as I have known the bride and groom for ten years. (I had an out!).

Since posting this, I've decided to do it drab. There will be a few people there I am already out to, so I will send them emails asking to be discreet, for the sake of the wedding party. People will talk, hopefully after the fact, because I look very different than when we all hung out together, so very shortly after the wedding I will send out my official coming out email.

Thanks girls, for the suggestions, and the concern.

Ariamythe- Thanks for the suggestion, but this group is the entire Toronto musical community, and are spread out on stages all over the province. The only way we keep in touch is FB, and I'm not ready to put ANYTHING about my gender on FB.

[sandra-leigh]

How about something like black women's pants, and a white linen blouse that has no frills or lace? Possibly add a bolo tie if you are expected to be a tie sort. Add some flats, and perhaps put your hair into a pony tail. Yes, you would look different than before, but you wouldn't be the talk of the wedding. Unless possibly you have a large bust.