Purged again !

[Terri Semes]

How do I stop this silly and expensive cycle of buying , building a small wardrobe of clothing and collection of make up and accesories ,then putting it all in the trash ?
It goes great for a while , SO somewhat accepting ,then I get these feelings of shame and very selfconscience of dressing ,especially in front of SO ,then say I am quitting cding ,toss my fem things ,and after a couple of days,am pulled back to all things fem.
Any and all advice and comments are welcome .

[Brenda79135]

If your SO helps you buy anything, concider it a gift and it is alright to keep it. I don't know about you, I don't throw away gifts. If she is involved with the purchase, she has said "It is ok and I want you to have this." To start off accepting your dressing, baby steps. Just under dress for a while with panties. They will start the path of acceptance and nobody but yourself has to know.

[Veronica Lodge]

I have seen many people spiral into depression from purging. imo purging is a very dangerous thing. One of the worst decisions one can make.

Whatever your reasons were for dressing, purging of clothing & accessories seems to wound the soul of the person doing it.

It does seem inevitable, especially for those in a relationship or heavily closeted. I guess my only advice is at least keep a small box of the most sentimental stuff you have if you're compelled to purge. It will at least give you some comfort in what should be a trying time.

[Karen_K]

If the shame and self-consciousness are coming from uncertainty about how your SO will react to you dressing, or about her level of acceptance, perhaps a heartfelt talk with her or a counselor or both would help. Just having certainty about that may go a long way. If its coming from more general shame about CDing, that's cultural, and maybe you haven't quite shaken it off yourself yet. In that case, a support group or a counselor too might help.

On a practical side, maybe instead of throwing your clothes away when you feel this way, just put them away in storage bins for while. Its perfectly fine to not dress for periods of time if you don't feel like it. I think a lot of CDers do that. Or, at the very least, donate them to Goodwill instead of trashing them.

[kimdl93]

It all comes from those deeply embedded, but mistaken beliefs. You need to keep reminding yourself every day. CDing is not a crime. CDing is not perverted. CDing may not be common, but it a part of what makes you a unique and interesting person. If you can root out the needless shame by yourself, get some help from a counselor.

[MsRenee]

I agree. instead of throwing your things away and later regretting the decision.
I would box it up and stash it away, almost all cds end up regretting the decision.
If your SO accepts it then just take it easy and any guilt should pass slowly.
Renee

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Terri, It sounds like you are your own worst enemy .
The next time this starts look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself , Do I really want to do this again.

[Jana]

It always saddens me to hear about a purge. I think the fact that you are aware this is a cycle should help. Think about it next time you feel the need to purge. Then, instead of throwing your things out, do a symbolic purge: put your things away in a box and store it out of reach until the girl returns. Because one thing is certain, as the sun rises, the girl always returns. Always.

[Cheryl T]

You have to be willing to accept yourself and that this is part of what makes you who you are. Once that is done then you won't feel the guilt and shame that comes before acceptance and that will help you to stop purging.
I'm sure that almost all of us have been this route, I certainly know that I have. Once I found that this is not something I DO, but part of WHO I AM the need to purge and wear the "hair shirt" (as the saying goes) disappeared.
As for dressing in front of your SO. That takes time to become accustomed to. If you were like me and dressed in private for years and years with no one to share this with then being able to dress for your SO, someone with whom you are so close in other areas, becomes a bit stressful. You don't want her to see you in a different light and you must realize that if she is accepting then when you dress for her she is now accepting this part of you as well and seeing you as the Whole person now, not just the part that you let her see before.
Time makes it easier. I was nervous at first too, but now it's second nature and neither of us give it a second thought.

[Beverley Sims]

Terri,
You will find that you tend to purge when other more interesting events and relationships intervene in your daily activities.
All you do is toss it all in a garbage bag and store it away somewhere.
"Do not purge as the urge returns."

[~Joanne~]

It will come and go until you decide that you have had enough and accept the fact that your a CD. It's hard for the longest time, I know, I have been there, purged quite a few times myself. Buy a few plastic totes, when you feel the need to purge, just store everything you have in the totes and put them out of the way with all the other garbage you have in the house that no one ever touches (I think we all have some of that lol). You'll save a ton of money at the very least.

[Ericaxd]

Terri:

Take it from someone who has done it many times and learned the hard way. Discarding the clothes we wear outside doesn't change who we are inside. I've now done a few times what you see suggested here. Put things away someplace. Avoid crossdressers.com for a couple of months. But I am a CD/TG (pick your label) and remain so no matter what I'm wearing, and soon come back. Please don't purge again: it may fell like a relief for a while, but the regrets return soon, as does the expense of rebuilding a wardrobe.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Shame is a powerful feeling that we either impose upon ourselves, or is imposed by others. I suppose we succomb to the shame of others which can easily make us feel ashamed. I know we often can question why we do this and somehow want to be rid of the demon. But it's not that. It is a part of who we are.

My worst purge was before the divorce with my first wife. She did the purging for me and I brought a large bag to a landfill. I felt like a part of my being was ripped out just for her needs. It was truly traumatic for me.

The only purge for me today is to rid myself of out of date clothes and things that don't fit.

If you feel the urge to purge, put it all in storage and let your feelings simmer and cool. Then evaluate your feelings later. It can be nice to rediscover the things you're fond of.

Today my wife and I go through my closet and dresser drawers and "purge" all the old and obsolete and then we'll go shopping for new and exciting clothes. I have more Cheryl clothes than ***** has. She has great taste for what works for me!

Cheryl

[Tracii G]

You need to understand who you are and not feel so guilty of doing something wrong.Nothing wrong with CDing it doesn't hurt anyone and its not illegal.
It apparently is a part of you and your wife is Ok with it whats the problem?

[robindee36]

Oh Terri. This is such a sad cycle some of us go through. Guess guilt was my reason each time, but my love of the feminine always brought me back. So many nice (and expensive) things are gone, only to be replaced by other nice (and expensive) things. Finally, I had a heart to heart with myself, acknowledged who and what I am and will purge no more.

Should some unforeseen event or emotion lead me to desire another purge, I will do it in faux fashion. In a box, out of the way (as suggested by a number of the other girls). So when the inevitable desire to dress again returns, I will still have my things. On the other hand, some of the clothing I have accumulated no longer appeals, so I Goodwill it. Drop the old things off, turn straight around and go in to look for new items. Oh I so love being a girl ;)

Hang in there girl. Hugs, Robin

[mandimoore]

I really feel for you, just like everybody else, I have also purged many times. The last time I did was when I was in the middle of getting divorce. We were blessed with a beautiful girl and I knew she need a father and a role model. Still to this day, I wish I would have had a site like this to get sensible advice and stashed my wardrobe. The only good news is that I now know how to keep my things out of sight from little curious eyes.

[Terri Semes]

Thanks to all for the comments ,suggestions and advice.
I know realize even more that this is a part of me and that my only option is to accept it. This love of femine things has been with me for many many years and only in the last few have I come out to myself .

[Milli Montanari]

I suspect we've all purged at some stage but I agree with many of the responses. Just pack the stuff away, the need always returns. I've reached the point where if my desire to dress fades, as it does from time to time, I leave all my stuff where it is and just ignore it until I'm ready to use it again.

[Taylor Ray]

As I purge I no longer feel a minority in this world, with my options slowly shrinking in regards finding a soul mate or being accepted. As I purge I feel temporarily able to transcend my True Self, in an effort to match the version of my self I hold in my head, or the version of myself I hold for others. As I purge I diss-associate from myself because I have yet to accept myself in all my truth and beauty.

[Lainie]

2 ways to get out of the purging cycle:

1) Don't cross dress. Fill your life with people & things you love, that have nothing to do with cross dressing. Don't come back here.
2) Accept cross dressing as a worthwhile activity, which may require some discretion, depending on what other activities & groups you want to join. Come back here whenever you want to see how others coped & are coping.

Either one can work if you work at it.

[Stephanie47]

Terri, your feelings are the feelings that every cross dresser has felt. I see from your posts your wife is 'somewhat' accepting. I see that as a positive. At your age (mid 50's) I suspect your wife has weighed your pluses and minuses over the years and realizes your cross dressing is not a deal breaker for her.

That leaves the problem with your level of acceptance of your behavior. After decades of being told what 'manliness' is and isn't you have not come to accepting yourself for who you are. I went through the same self loathing, doubts concerning my sexuality, etc when I was in my TEENS. By the time I was in my twenties I realized there was nothing wrong with my cross dressing other than trying to figure out how it may affect my relationship with my wife. That was whether or not SHE would accept me as a cross dresser; not a participant.

My recommendation is not to purge, but, put it away. Or have your wife put it away. The urge will surely return. You are not hiding from your wife. You're hiding from yourself.

Some suggest not visiting this site. I would continue to use this site as an outlet for your frustrations. This site will allow you to vent your frustrations; answer your questions; gain insight in your behavior; and basically let you know you are not alone.

Getting a hobby and filling your time with other activities may work for awhile. But, how will that affect your relationship with your wife and others. So, you're not wearing a dress, but, you're out fishing all the time. Running will not solve your problem.

And, obviously your wife is more accepting of you than yourself. Otherwise she would have kicked you out long ago.

[ColetteB]

To this day, I still regret purging my first bra & thong I got back in the 90's. Catholic guilt got the better of a younger me.

Plus, that bra was HUGE! I'm not sure what excited me more; That I finally had a bra of my own, or that it held the giant water balloons I was using!

[CynthiaD]

The main problem isn't purging. The main problem is feeling guilty and ashamed. You need to start thinking of your crossdressing in a different light. Crossdressing is not a weakness or a vice. Every time you put on a dress, it makes you stronger. Men and women each have their unique strengths. (Women are not "the weaker sex." Their strength is different from a man's, but just as powerful.) You have access to both kinds of strength, not just one.

Crossdressing is something to be proud of. It shows that you have courage. How much courage did it take to buy your first dress? Your first tube of lipstick? Courage is something to be proud of. Personally, I love being a crossdresser. I think I'm one of the luckiest people alive because of it. I couldn't imagine myself being any other way. Hope this helps.

[Kandy Barr]

I feel for you dear, until I could accept Kandy as TRULY a part of me I struggled also. So much peace came with acceptance!!!!! I'm now thankful for my fem self and embrace every part of " her ". I feel it is a blessing to have been born both male and female, how very lucky we are. Please do yourself a huge favor and begin loving your fem side and letting her have some freedom, hating this side will only make you miserable. I truly wish you the best in your journey. :hugs:

[Julie Gaum]

Terri, you have no idea what a lucky girl you are! My story is similar to so many other ancients on this site: First 40 years or so purged perhaps a dozen times --- burnt or dumped --- and called on the heavens above each time as Taylor tried to do - tanscend
my true self, won the battle, act like the MAN you are .... BECAUSE I was the only pervert, alone in the universe! Then, suddenly, in the 1970s the Internet started to clue me in just as all the above posts do now--- you are one of millions with similar inclinations, you can't make it go away by simply stopping (as one poster suggested you might try as an option), store them if some major event in your life requires a temporary turn in the road of life but, as what should be very clear to you now, never throw away. Back in those lonely and mostly fetish prompted years a dab of lipstick or a spray of perfume would often cut short the urge to purge but it was a self-learning process-- nobody to advise me then. BTW (Put on my consulting hat), if you check the required annual IRS returns for charities you will find that Goodwill merely sells your donations and pockets the profits while the Salvation Army gives close to 90% of the proceeds to the needy.
Terri, enjoy this Forum, enjoy your family and friends, enjoy life and never look back at past mistakes --- we all made many.
Julie