you have to be joking

[GabbiSophia]

Effing frustrated with all this crap. Why the eff does the gd have to be strong enough to try and take away the things that make me happy. What a crap hand to be delt. One hand I want to transition so bad and wear womens clothes and be feminine that it consumes my mind. I know thats the damn gd talking wtf ok so it wants to take everything I want away. I recognize it for what it is. Why does itnstill stick around? I try to midigate it a little through dressing ..nope still hanging out it is. Try to ignore it.. lmao yeah that doesnt work. Except it and move on its path.. Hell no!!! After a period of being dressed I cant stand to be dressed anymore and go back to normal...oo for a very short period. Trying to manage it through other forms of mental work does work but crap doing that all day long is tiring as hell. All I want is the life I finally came to like and stopped hating ans now I know about gd and it wanta to take it all away. I dont plan to take steps and yes I know I will have to live with it but still it is a s&^/ty hand to be delt. Just having a rough morning and needed to vent. No its not a joke and therapy only helps if you want to do something they dont have an answer to help you fight... other than a pill and I hate pills.

[JohnH]

All I can suggest is you take one day at a time. You don't have to announce to the world you are transitioning to be a woman. Also don't blame God but rather be thankful for what you do have. I may never adopt a feminine name "Johanna" but may continue to use "John" for the rest of my days on this earth.

I have a mixed mode presentation - on one hand I wear men's clothes that are androgynous and have a deep male speaking voice but still have a femme haircut and wear lipstick. On Sunday mornings I add blush, eye shadow, and mascara. I sing bass and play bass guitar in the church's band.

The M2F HRT has helped me so that I am content to wear androgynous men's clothing except at home I do wear house dresses when the weather is warm.

Hope your day goes better. :)



Johanna (John)

[Kelly DeWinter]

Steph;

it really sounds like you need to speak to a therapist.

[GabbiSophia]

I believe the lsst 6 mnths of therapy have given alot of insight. Very knowledgable unlick pandoras box even more. .

[gonegirl]

Dear Steph,

The state that you are living in isn't sustainable so it could be time to make a leap of faith. I think you should seriously consider the pills.

Sincerely,
Simone.

[MysticLady]

No its not a joke and therapy only helps if you want to do something they dont have an answer to help you fight... other than a pill and I hate pills.

You want too know a way to make it manageable? If you have an open mind, PM me.

[stefan37]

Until you take solid steps to try and alleviate your distress, you will be back every few weeks complaining about the same issues. Yes this condition sucks, Yes it uproots lives, but when dressing no longer cuts it you need to explore other options. Until you do that and start living your life differently you will never find balance and will continue to live your life in anguish. Transition may not be for you as you seem to be happy at times as a male, yet you need to express yourself as female also. You really need to find your balance. Living in the middle can be confusing to others and difficult for you. Such is the life of a gender fluid individual. You are undoubtedly suffering and you will need to find a way to integrate your femaleness into your daily life. I was able to mitigate my dysphoria by getting my ears pierced, wearing colored nail polish and eye makeup daily. I also work in male dominated industry, I own an electrical, mechanical contracting firm, and my appearance had been a non issue.i was also teaching hvac at the local vo tech. I believe in my heart I was able to find balance during that period. It worked fine for a couple years until my anxiety returned full blown and here I am actively transitioning.

Try clearing your face, see if it helps, express your inner self more openly and own it, most will respect you for being you. Now not sure how your wife will react to you expressing yourself more openly, but to not do so will doom you pain, anguish and suffering. You may mitigate it for a while and say screw it I will deal, but we will see you again. You truly need to find your balance whatever that is.

[Chickhe]

The harder you try to deny it, the more you need it. The solution is to accept yourself and then work out a way to explore all the things you feel you need to do so that you can feel like you have done them. Then you don't need to do it again because you already did it and you figure out what you thought it was is not exactly like it is... Then you decide what parts you can integrate in to your normal life and you will feel much happier.

[Rianna Humble]

Whilst it may be true that none of the advice given out in the open on these forums is guaranteed to suit everybody's personal circumstances, it is at least given in the open and is open to scrutiny by others with personal experience in these matters.

Please be wary of accepting private consultations from people who by their own admission do not even understand the problem.

[GabbiSophia]

Always..I carry abig cube of salt..and sugar

[dreamer_2.0]

Hi Steph, thank you for your post. Is is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I hate being delt this hand and have contemplated posting about it, you beat me to it.

Last night is a good example of how GD has taken over. My best friend, who I see very often, went out to a party with her new boyfriend. I was stuck at home crossdressing instead of going out to socialize. Granted it was my decision to stay home but this really hit me. Why couldn't I have a regular cis-gendered life where I could focus on important things rather than being mentally plagued by a ridiculous and seemingly insatiable desire to be a woman. It's hard to focus on a career, finances, and life in general when all I think about is fem stuff and whether I should or shouldn't transition.

I am trying to take steps such as therapy and pills to help but these also frustrate me. I hate the fact that I require these, again wishing for a regular non-trans life.

Like you, I usually dress for relatively short periods (longest time dressed is maybe a few hours) then take the clothes off. I hate having to tuck. It's annoying and despite how much I try there is always a bulge of some sort. If I'm wearing something to hide the bulge I can still feel it and it ruins my mood. The clothes also don't feel right, as in they weren't made for my body. I don't look right in them and that depresses me further.

I admire those with the strength to make the best of this condition. There's a long road ahead but, frankly, I hate being dealt this hand. I feel like a freak.

It stinks that we feel this way though its nice knowing we aren't alone.

[Ariamythe]

One thing that used to help me before I started to transition was online virtual worlds like Second Life (http://secondlife.com/). It's a way to express without having to actually do it. I was Ali there years before I even admitted it to myself.