Are You A "Selfish" Crossdresser?

[RebeccaLynne]

I know I am. I've been married and divorced (once each), and have had a GF for over six years. I love living alone and CD'ing to my heart's content.

My GF knows, and doesn't care for it. Consequently, we don't spend a lot of time together. I'm enamoured and so totally involved with my enjoyment of crossdressing that I've made it a priority in my life. I'm happy doing it every day after work, and on my days off.

My daughters are now adults, living with their husbands in their own places. I've never told them I CD, as I don't feel they need to know.

This is all about me, and what I want out of life.

So. the question posed is... are you a selfish crossdresser?

[GaleWarning]

How refreshing! An honest CDer!
I have been told that I am a selfish person, too.

[robindee36]

Rebecca, my dressing is for my pleasure, not that of others. I do it because I like it, identify with my feminine persona and have fun with the whole 'transformation' process. Should it ever become something done strictly for others, I believe it would diminish my enjoyment.

Why take something we do for the love of it and turn it into work? Just my little old opinion.

Hugs, Robin

[Jenniferathome]

Absolutely not! My wife, kids, and life in general comes first. It's never a struggle to make that call. Time has to be truly free to enjoy that aspect of my life.

You hit on something that I think is quite important. Relationships can blow up because of this. Not because of cross dressing, but because of the selfishness than one might exhibit.

[Karren H]

If I were selfish.... I wouldn't have been married for 38 years..... other that short bouts of it.... which are quickly corrected by "she who must be obeyed"

[Lorileah]

I am not selfish, I share how wonderful I am with everyone

[AllieSF]

I probably have some selfishness in me when it comes to my dressing, though it has not been tested in a relationship yet. I think that there is also a fine line sometimes in doing things that keep you yourself happy and whole, i.e. you, and putting that aside for someone else. I mean that if one is a sportsman or sportswoman, and they are truly into their sports which make them who they are, telling them that they have to stop running, riding, hunting or fishing to spend all that time with their loved ones is not correct either. Yes, they may have to cut back some, but if they stop doing what they like aren't they giving up an activity that has made and continues to make them who they are? I do not believe that one must devote all their non-work hours to the loved ones. Yes, they need to devote time to them but not all available time. So, giving up crossdressing, for the family may make daddy or mommy a very unpleasant person to be around, which can also negatively impact the whole family unit. Yes, people need to find balance in everything that they do, but do not have to completely abstain from that which is legal and gives them pleasure. When they can and should cut back some and don't, then they are being selfish.

[Robin777]

If I were selfish.... I wouldn't have been married for 38 years..... other that short bouts of it.... which are quickly corrected by "she who must be obeyed"

I believe Karen says it all. Except for me it has only been 33 years..

[NicoleScott]

I don't think you're selfish. Your kids are on their own now. You know how important CDing is to you, don't want limitations placed on you, and you don't expect others to tolerate your CDing if they're not comfortable with it. You have earned some "me time". But the question was "am I a selfish CDer?" Sort of. I do what I do because I like it. But I don't wreck the family budget, steal husband or dad time, or subject them to possible humiliation. I like to think it's balanced about right.

[RebeccaLynne]

Just checking responses... thanks to all of you!


How refreshing! An honest CDer!
I have been told that I am a selfish person, too.

GW... you can't imagine how relieved I am that the first reply to this thread is positive and like-minded, as well. :hugs:

And thanks for being refreshingly candid... that's what I'm looking for!


Rebecca, my dressing is for my pleasure, not that of others. I do it because I like it, identify with my feminine persona and have fun with the whole 'transformation' process. Should it ever become something done strictly for others, I believe it would diminish my enjoyment.

Why take something we do for the love of it and turn it into work? Just my little old opinion.

Hugs, Robin

Robin, we do this for ourselves, and to try to find happiness in our own lives... it's a labor of love. Working is just a means by which to pay our bills, and buy cute outfits!


Absolutely not! My wife, kids, and life in general comes first. It's never a struggle to make that call. Time has to be truly free to enjoy that aspect of my life.

Jennifer, you'll get there. Kids grown, you retire, and your spouse is OK with it... let the good times roll!


You hit on something that I think is quite important. Relationships can blow up because of this. Not because of cross dressing, but because of the selfishness than one might exhibit.

They can. Yet my own relationship struggles because of the CD'ing. That is the sticking point. She would rather I didn't, and I'll do what I please. If that means less time together, than I'd rather be happy alone than resenting the time we spend together during which I wanted to be CD'ing. :straightface:


If I were selfish.... I wouldn't have been married for 38 years..... other that short bouts of it.... which are quickly corrected by "she who must be obeyed"

Karren... you're whipped! Now if you could just get the missus to be your dominatrix... no problem! :dom:

[kimdl93]

Not particularly. There are a lot of things I want from life and I have made a variety of choices to achieve what I want. Sometime that means dressing less than I would prefer...which is full time. I don't regret my choices and I don't feel I've denied myself anything important. So, I have a solid marriage, great kids, a successful career and I'm out to a large and growing circle of family, friends and business associates.

[Miriam-J]

This is actually something I'm always concerned about and try to avoid. Taking care of your own needs doesn't mean that you're selfish, unless your care for yourself leads you to neglect the needs of others in your life.

Since neglect of my feminine side (and other needs) leads me to be less pleasant to be around, care for my own needs can then be seen as essential and unselfish. I just have to ensure that I do enough to satisfy my needs without causing undue pain to my wife and friends while I'm at it.

Miriam

[Lainie]

I do feel I have been selfish ... Of course, if I don't take care of myself, who will? But I have let a lot of opportunities to interact with others slip away in order to pursue my hidden agenda.

[Nikki A.]

You're not selfish, you're enjoying your freedom. When my kids were both away at school I dressed alot more. With my son living at home I have slowed a bit, but I still do it and get out a bit when I get a chance.

[sheilagirl]

After 2, count 'em Two, marriages, two divorces and many girlfriends, I finally realize that Sheila is the one that makes me most happy. I LUV women including my current Sweetie but, it can be a lot of work too. With Sheila, everyday is a little more pleasing.

[BRANDYJ]

I'm not sure Your choices are selfish Rebecca. It's more of a matter of priorities. No doubt your freedom to express yourself alone is more important than a relationship with a woman. For some of us, me included, a loving relationship with woman far out ways my desire to cross dress. For that matter,I can't think of asingle thing that is more important to me. I hate being single and I hate living alone. I've been married twice, widowed once and most recently in love with a woman for the past seven years. She and our relationship was my number one priority. Sadly, it did not work out. Some of us that cross dress find it less important than others. We are not all cut from the same cloth with our needs or desires. In fact, if I had to in the name of love, give up dressing, I really believe I could. Of course, I'm glad to not have to make that decision.

[Amanda22]

I don't think that's selfish at all. You know what makes you happy and you do it. I say that makes you successful.

[Beverley Sims]

I don't think you are selfish, just enjoying yourself and there is no need to share it with anyone.
It is when you start relationships behind others backs that it gets on to touchy turf.

[Rikidee]

I Have Been Single For 28 Years And Being A Selfish Crossdresser Is The Main Reason For It. Hugs Riki

[DianeDeBris]

As a CD, I don't think i am; but I also realize that, back when I tried to pass as an oyster ... well, then I was shellfish.

[Leona]

This is actually something I'm always concerned about and try to avoid. Taking care of your own needs doesn't mean that you're selfish, unless your care for yourself leads you to neglect the needs of others in your life.

Since neglect of my feminine side (and other needs) leads me to be less pleasant to be around, care for my own needs can then be seen as essential and unselfish. I just have to ensure that I do enough to satisfy my needs without causing undue pain to my wife and friends while I'm at it.

Miriam

QFT.

I don't think it's selfish to CD whenever you want, and to expect it to be so. I'd consider that "defining the boundaries of my life", and if someone doesn't like that, they can take a hike. An SO already has to deal with your whiskers left in the sink when you shave (unless you rinse the sink out like I do), your dirty underwear laying on the floor (I never pick mine up, it bothers her before it bothers me), and various other things. I don't see CDing as something that deserves special privilege and has to be backburnered for your SO. Rather, I see it as a matter of picking the right SO so it won't be a problem in the first place (which I realize is difficult, but I'd rather be single than be with a woman who doesn't accept ALL of me, and I've got stuff that's worse: needing to spend days/weeks locked in a room programming, needing to have space to play guitar, etc. CDing should be the least of her concerns when compared to my other quirks).

As Miriam pointed out, there's not a single reason you can't CD as much as you want that immediately implies neglecting the needs of others in your life. Your SO wants a kiss every hour on the hour? Whether or not you're wearing a dress, forms, and/or makeup makes no difference in your ability to deliver that kiss. Your SO wants you to wear a suit for a funeral? No problem! If you're not out to most people there, wear a zoot suit and get over it. If you are out to most people there, then a skirt suit is appropriate! (Or if it's not, then why are you attending that funeral?) In fact, for formal occasions, I don't see what's wrong with wearing what you feel is most respectful to the occasion. There's a certain amount of self-expression that's required to be able to show respect, after all.

In my opinion, the only reason not to CD is to avoid losing your job or your home, and I look forward to a day where that won't even be a concern for anybody.

Well, then there's the times when I just don't feel like it. Plenty of days I wear a sarong tied as a slit skirt for convenience and comfort and it has nothing to do with expressing a feminine part of me.

[ReineD]

Rebecca, if your girlfriend knows that you don't see each other much because you prefer to stay home to CDress, and she agrees with it (obviously?) by not pushing to change your dynamics, then you are not being selfish. Selfish would be disappointing people to whom you are committed to, like a wife and kids, by not showing up in their lives in favor of isolating in order to CD. You're single and your children are grown, so you're not disappointing anyone.

If, on the other hand, you divorced because your wife felt that you were not present in her life, or if you are not close to your daughters today because you were not involved in their lives when they were young in favor of spending much of your free time CDing, then I agree that you would have been selfish at the time.

But, let me ask you, now that you are alone and have no commitments to anyone. Don't you ever get lonely or do you think that you might wake up one day and feel empty because you will have found yourself alone?

[Maria S]

I do not consider myself a selfish CDer because I take into account the feelings of my wife. On the other hand I can understand how CDing goes up priority lists. It can be an addiction. As an example when my wife goes out with her girlie mates part of me misses her but part of me is glad because I get more dressing time. When she says "You sure you don't mind me going" or "I don't think I am going to go" I find myself saying "no you go" not just to enjoy herself but for me as well.

Maria

[RebeccaLynne]

Great responses, everyone. I'm always reassured that I'm in the company of intelligent and thoughtful persons every time I log on here! :)


I am not selfish, I share how wonderful I am with everyone

An altruistic quality, to be sure... you're such a giver! :heehee:


I don't think you're selfish. Your kids are on their own now. You know how important CDing is to you, don't want limitations placed on you, and you don't expect others to tolerate your CDing if they're not comfortable with it. You have earned some "me time". But the question was "am I a selfish CDer?" Sort of. I do what I do because I like it. But I don't wreck the family budget, steal husband or dad time, or subject them to possible humiliation. I like to think it's balanced about right.

Nicole, you've grasped the concept completely. I've earned the privilege of doing what I want, when I want. Just like you.

As to the question at hand... you've done what you needed to do as a dad and a father, not letting your crossdressing impact negatively on your family. I'd say your balance rivals that of "The Flying Wallendas" troupe... job well done!


After 2, count 'em Two, marriages, two divorces and many girlfriends, I finally realize that Sheila is the one that makes me most happy. I LUV women including my current Sweetie but, it can be a lot of work too. With Sheila, everyday is a little more pleasing.

I have to appeciate your perspective. Life is all about enjoying it to the fullest, and I'm always happiest just being Becky... my GF knows I'm doing it, and we do talk on the phone everyday... gotta keep the lines of communication open!


I'm not sure Your choices are selfish Rebecca. It's more of a matter of priorities. No doubt your freedom to express yourself alone is more important than a relationship with a woman. For some of us, me included, a loving relationship with woman far out ways my desire to cross dress. For that matter,I can't think of asingle thing that is more important to me. I hate being single and I hate living alone. I've been married twice, widowed once and most recently in love with a woman for the past seven years. She and our relationship was my number one priority. Sadly, it did not work out. Some of us that cross dress find it less important than others. We are not all cut from the same cloth with our needs or desires. In fact, if I had to in the name of love, give up dressing, I really believe I could. Of course, I'm glad to not have to make that decision.

Brandy, I can only hope that you are able to find a woman that accepts your crossdressing. I believe that is an integral part of your identity, and one which, honestly, I don't think you'd be OK with discarding just to be in a relationship. We can't change who we are...


I don't think that's selfish at all. You know what makes you happy and you do it. I say that makes you successful.

Thanks, Amanda. It's like, "Go for it, girl"! I am happy, and am successful in gaining satisfaction and making life enjoyable. :D


I don't think you are selfish, just enjoying yourself and there is no need to share it with anyone.
It is when you start relationships behind others backs that it gets on to touchy turf.

Beverly, my former wife knew, my GF knows, and has shared my "secret" with her closest friend; outside of work, I'm OK with everyone else knowing, if they stumble onto it.

I would never dream of embarking on an illicit interlude while in my current relationship. That would be a betrayal of the trust we've placed in each other. Better to break up first, then foray into the unknown cleanly.


I Have Been Single For 28 Years And Being A Selfish Crossdresser Is The Main Reason For It. Hugs Riki

Riki, I completely understand... that's why I have a GF, and not a wife! Technically, I'm "single", but in a "committed relationship"; means either one of us can break it off if it's not working! Back at 'ya, girlfriend! :hugs:


Rebecca, if your girlfriend knows that you don't see each other much because you prefer to stay home to CDress, and she agrees with it (obviously?) by not pushing to change your dynamics, then you are not being selfish. Selfish would be disappointing people to whom you are committed to, like a wife and kids, by not showing up in their lives in favor of isolating in order to CD. You're single and your children are grown, so you're not disappointing anyone.

Reine, you're on the money. Although my GF would prefer I eschew CD'ing in favor of spending my time with her as her guy, she realizes it isn't what I need to be happy. She's willing to give me my space, and that's probably one of the reasons we're still together.

As to raising my daughters, I had joint custody of them from the onset of my divorce. They lived with me most of the time due to the fact that my former wife moved out of the area, and was in another school district.

I loved raising my daughters, and I'm so proud of their accomplishments. Both married, happy, and in contact with me frequently... and I've never told them about my femme side. They've seen me dressed as a woman on Halloween, and I was doing it "to the nine's"... and if they suspect there might be more to it, they've kept it to themselves.


If, on the other hand, you divorced because your wife felt that you were not present in her life, or if you are not close to your daughters today because you were not involved in their lives when they were young in favor of spending much of your free time CDing, then I agree that you would have been selfish at the time.

If that were the case, I would agree with you. However, the divorce was largely due to a lack of intimacy caused by a medical issue I was too embarrassed to have diagnosed and corrected. That caused a withholding of affection and intimacy, which led her to find what she needed elsewhere. Thankfully, I've had the necessary surgery to correct the condition, albeit too late to save the marriage. I'll always love her, and miss her. She did what she needed to be happy. I didn't tell her what was bothering me until we had split up, and I was to blame for not telling her why I couldn't be intimate during our last year together. Live and learn.

As to being a Dad... I was there for my daughters every second, and only CD'd when they were at their Mom's, 'cept for Halloween. They've told me often that I was a good Dad, and always there for them. I know I could've been better, but I did the best I could under the circumstances. At least they don't smoke or drink to excess... two areas in which I should've been a better example! :eek:


But, let me ask you, now that you are alone and have no commitments to anyone. Don't you ever get lonely or do you think that you might wake up one day and feel empty because you will have found yourself alone?

I'm not alone, as I do have a GF of over six years. That's a form of commitment, although it could be over as quickly as I write this. Not married, don't know if I ever want to be again. TBS, we could be closer... she could either accomodate my wishes to CD in her presence, or I could acquiesce to her preference that I stop CD'ing, altogether.

I'm hoping for the former, and the latter just ain't gonna happen... I'll take it as it comes, and roll with the punches.

I don't think I'll ever feel lonely... I've got two daughters, two sons-in-law, Mom (82 years young), five living siblings, a grandson, and more aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews than I can possibly remember by name... yet we just celebrated at my aunt's 80th birthday party and family reunion at Lake Tahoe in July of this year... I'm very fortunate to have such an extended and loving family! :thumbup:


I do not consider myself a selfish CDer because I take into account the feelings of my wife. On the other hand I can understand how CDing goes up priority lists. It can be an addiction. As an example when my wife goes out with her girlie mates part of me misses her but part of me is glad because I get more dressing time. When she says "You sure you don't mind me going" or "I don't think I am going to go" I find myself saying "no you go" not just to enjoy herself but for me as well.Maria

Maria, I think you should be congratulated for taking your wife's feelings into consideration. And I don't think utilizing your "free time" while she's not there to indulge in crossdressing is selfish. I just think how much happier we all might be if our SO's were willing to accomodate our desires to crossdress in their presence, them being OK with it, and us being thankful and appreciative that they really were... :daydreaming:

Once again, thank you all so much for your responses... thats why I've been coming here for over eight years now... you're just awesome!

[Wildaboutheels]

I don't Facebook.

At ALL.

I don't tweet. At ALL. I personally find tweeting kindasilly but undeniably, it "works" for untold millions.

I don't carry a cell phone nor have my life revolve around it and I've yet to have a need to send a text message to anyone.

Am I selfish?

And my 4 legged SO - the best kind, I have come to believe after a lot of trial and error - has no issues with what I wear. Nor does she channel surf. AND, she is always a great listener.

Life is GOOD when life is simple IMO.

[carhill2mn]

I would have to respond "Yes". I often choose not to do some things as I do not want to give up my "femme" time even
though I am en femme more than I am not.

[Amanda M]

I´m not - I hope. But see my post on the thread "Why must you progress"

[Christine.Lolita]

You only get on go around in this life, so it is better to find happiness. I do not think this is selfish.

[wishing2bali]

I think I can be selfish at times I suppose, but who isn't at one time or another? About 4 months ago I transferred to working 2nd shift from 3rds at my job so that my wife, and I could actually see each other more than 15 min a day(she works 2nds). While I love that I get to spend a few hours with her everyday now, I find myself kind of wishing I could go back on 3rds so that I could dress more often(when she's at work, and such) instead of having to wait till she goes on a trip with her mother, and I actually get more than 2 hrs to myself at any given time. Oh well, such is life...

[Kandy Barr]

No kids, no wife, just me and Kandy........... and yeah, she is one selfish lady! Such are the pleasures of my life. I see you in pretty much the same situation Rebecca.

[Nikki68]

I am not selfish, I share how wonderful I am with everyone

LOL! <golf clap>

[Lynn Marie]

Like Kandy Barr, I'm single, kid is gone, wife is ex, and I'm retired. My time and energies are spent on me and those I care for. Totally at my descretion. I know there's this undeniable, powerful, urge to find a mate and procreate. Maybe it's not really the best course of action for all of us. I'm just getting over it now! Sure I'm selfish, I only give to whom I care to!

[TeresaCD]

In a sense, exploring what being tg means to me is selfish, as it takes me away from those around me.
However, it is helping me to be a better person, too, so not all bad..

[Julie1123]

My girlfriend and I have only been together for nine years but she's definitely my soulmate. I would give up almost anything for her and I know she's wonderful because she didn't ask me to give up dressing, only asked me to be very discrete about it.

So, no, not selfish.

[Krististeph]

Yes, my CD activities are somewhat selfish, partly because of shyness (Moi??? yes, actually). As humans we all necessarily must be selfish in certain ways. My wife is supportive enough, but she too is selfish in her ways, and we give each other the freedom to be so within reason.

My sibs I'm sure all know I have figured out that I CD, but they probably do not imagine the extent, nor do they bring it up. I do discuss it with them, it really is not their business, if they really wanted to know, i'd admit it, but let them know they are not competent to understand the breadth of the issue, and i'm not here to entertain them. Do some research on the subject and show me a short summary, then we can talk... I'm not going to be put in a position of defending or justifying or explaining my TG aspects to them.

You want to learn an advanced psych topic- you have to do the intro class first- it's not rocket science.

[suzanne]

I guess I am as well. But I think some amount of selfishness is inevitable when one's true self, the feminine side, is hidden, suppressed, denied for decades. When she is finally able to break through the prison walls, there's a whole new, previously unexplored world out there that needs to be taken in and made sense of. Right now, I stand accused of letting my gender pendulum swing too far towards the "F" side.

[RebeccaLynne]

I would have to respond "Yes". I often choose not to do some things as I do not want to give up my "femme" time even
though I am en femme more than I am not.

Refreshingly honest. I value enfemme time much the same as you, to the exclusion of those activities that reduce my available "girl" time. :thumbsup:


I´m not - I hope. But see my post on the thread "Why must you progress"

I read your referenced post regarding narcissistic activities, and my inference is that you have exhibited a marked preference towards placing your CD'ing high on your list of priorities... TBS, where do you see yourself in regards to being "selfish"?


You only get on go around in this life, so it is better to find happiness. I do not think this is selfish.

Christine, happiness is highly desireable... but are you selfish in the pursuit of same?


I think I can be selfish at times I suppose, but who isn't at one time or another? About 4 months ago I transferred to working 2nd shift from 3rds at my job so that my wife, and I could actually see each other more than 15 min a day(she works 2nds). While I love that I get to spend a few hours with her everyday now, I find myself kind of wishing I could go back on 3rds so that I could dress more often(when she's at work, and such) instead of having to wait till she goes on a trip with her mother, and I actually get more than 2 hrs to myself at any given time. Oh well, such is life...

Nice reply, and I'll ask... is there a reason you can't spend time with her while you're enfemme? I really think that many CD'ers would love to spend time with their SO's if the SO was amenable... and I interpret your response as one that would indicate a similar desire... is that so?


No kids, no wife, just me and Kandy........... and yeah, she is one selfish lady! Such are the pleasures of my life. I see you in pretty much the same situation Rebecca.

Kandy, right on! Nothing better than expressing one's feminine side whenever the opportunity presents... like, whenever I'm awake and not at work! :heehee:


Like Kandy Barr, I'm single, kid is gone, wife is ex, and I'm retired. My time and energies are spent on me and those I care for. Totally at my descretion. I know there's this undeniable, powerful, urge to find a mate and procreate. Maybe it's not really the best course of action for all of us. I'm just getting over it now! Sure I'm selfish, I only give to whom I care to!

Lynn, we're not taking from anyone, we're just giving to ourselves... that's reason enough. And you've already procreated... do you have the energy to raise another child? I know I don't! :Pullhair:


In a sense, exploring what being tg means to me is selfish, as it takes me away from those around me.
However, it is helping me to be a better person, too, so not all bad..

Teresa, I appreciate your honesty. If your path of exploration somehow diminishes your enjoyment of your cherished loved ones, then that could present a problem. Time management could prove beneficial. Devote whatever time you can to your obligations, and the remainder to making yourself happy... and if crossdressing is your ultimate path to happiness, indulge yourself!


Yes, my CD activities are somewhat selfish, partly because of shyness (Moi??? yes, actually). As humans we all necessarily must be selfish in certain ways. My wife is supportive enough, but she too is selfish in her ways, and we give each other the freedom to be so within reason.

Kristi, how can we love others if we don't love ourselves? I'm pleased to read your wife is supportive. Many here wish they had it so good. All of us have our needs and expectations, yet too few actually have them met... seems you're in a good place, all things considered.


I guess I am as well. But I think some amount of selfishness is inevitable when one's true self, the feminine side, is hidden, suppressed, denied for decades. When she is finally able to break through the prison walls, there's a whole new, previously unexplored world out there that needs to be taken in and made sense of. Right now, I stand accused of letting my gender pendulum swing too far towards the "F" side.

Suzanne, there's nothing to be ashamed of. As Lady Gaga so eloquently verbalized, we were "born this way". Everyone here has challenged the definition of the gender we were assigned at birth.

Be proud of recognizing that you need to be yourself, and everybody else is just going to have to accept that reality. It's our truth!

BTW, your "gender pendulum" is seeking only to center you! :)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Becky, I know my boundaries and I stay within them

[Tawne]

You're just in control of yourself, way things should be.

[Stevie]

I would say you are being self conscious not selfish.

[MissTee]

I count myself among the very, very fortunate. I N-E-E-D to do this. My wife gets that. She and I make arrangements for me to get the dressing time I need without it overtaking our lives. Thus, because I'm in this situation I wouldn't know for certain how I might react if I were forced to not CD. I can suppose I would demonstrate some selfish behavior.

[Druscilla Supernovae]

Yes I am. I enjoy being by myself so I can do what the heck I want whenever I want. It's just me, myself, and I. Oh, and Druscilla:-) I don't have time for liars and cheaters and anyone with drama. I have all of my stuff in it's place and I don't have to explain myself to anyone.