Mission Impossible: Single CDing father looking for accepting woman.... Gahhhhh.....

[Amy R Lynn]

I came to accept that Amy was a real part of me about a year and a half ago. So I'm still really new to all of this. I have been divorced for a little over five years now. I am a single father, with full custody of my two sons (7 and 9).

Being a single father with custody presents its own challenges in the dating world. Before I accepted my feminine side, I rarely went for long without having a girl friend.

Since I have accepted that Amy is a real part of me, I haven't been able to get a date to save my life! I fear that CD'ing has ruined my dating life. I've been on dating websites, and have met a couple of girls through there. But it just never seems to get further than meeting her a couple of times. I'm not sure if it is me, or what? This dry spell is not doing much for my self esteem at all.

And I haven't even told any of them about my feminine side. Is anyone else in the same boat as me? I can't be the only one out here in this rough sea.

[Beverley Sims]

Amy I would try putting this in the meeting place.
I agree there are others like you out there.
You are definitely not alone.
I would frequent areas or clubs that show like interests.
Not too enamoured with dating sites.

[AllieSF]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I think that maybe part of the issue is you. You meet someone new, maybe interesting and try to get involved, but somewhere in the back of your mind is this little voice reminding you that you will eventually need to tell them about this side of you. Then all the worries starting working in your mind, and where before you may have been a lot of fun, now you may be indecisive, or less interesting, or just not as fun and free as you were before. I say this because that is what I think happens to me too sometimes, and probably way too often. I, in effect, am sabotaging the happiness on relationship side of my life.

All I can say is that practice makes perfect, or almost perfect, so keep at it, try to let that elephant in the room become something smaller, maybe like a little monkey on your back. I think we subconsciously reflect to others some of out inner turmoil's. You are still coming to grips with yourself even though you may feel that you are there. Relax, have fun and deal with the need to tell when that situation arises later in the relationship when you can see a long term future with someone and not before. You may be clouding the picture of your wonderful self from the eyes and ears of those who may be attracted to you. Good luck.

[Juliea661]

Hi Amy, I'm sorry that you are going through all this self doubt.
My advice is:
1) make your two boys your number one priority by giving them all the love and time you can.
2) know that God doesn't make mistakes; you are perfect and loved as you are, all of you.
3) trust that it is all good, and everything happens as and when it is supposed to.
4) putting 1, 2, and three together, and believing in them, know that some perfect loving woman will walk into your life and embrace all of you when you least except it.
Why do I believe this way? It happened to me....
Hugs and good wishes, Jules

[Leona]

You're probably undermining yourself. Or, maybe, when you rarely went long without a girlfriend, you were overcompensating and now you've reached some sort of equilibrium?

Eh, you're probably still undermining yourself. What I'd do if I were in your shoes, first I'd only date women who's clothes I could wear. Then, I'd pursue them to the "first time" evening, and I'd steal something of theirs as a trophy in much the same way a woman steals a man's t-shirt or whatever as a trophy, and then see how she responded. If she didn't like it, then fine, here's your bra back, and I won't be calling you back, miss. Have a nice life.

[kittypw GG]

Please don't follow Leona's advise. I hope you don't think women are just objects to procure trophies from. That just creeped me out big time.
You are probably coming across as too desperate. If I was accepting a date from you I would want you to be self-sufficient and I would not want to feel like you are looking for a nanny for your children with benefits. Highlight your assets and interests. If you are comfortable with yourself you will attract the right girl. Best wishes.

[Kate Simmons]

Kitty is correct. Women appreciate honesty and the more open you are about yourself the better things will be when seeking a genuine companion and partner. A relationship is about caring for one another and sharing. I met my GF through a dating site but early on I told her about myself, ALL about myself and she said "So what?" Not all women will react that way but if you show her you really care about her and genuinely want to be with her many things are possible even though there is no guarantee. The fact that you have the courage to share everything about yourself to another person sometimes goes a long way. Life is what we make it for the most part.:)

[kimdl93]

If you haven't told them about your CDing, then I guess that's not the issue. And I doubt that having sons would be an obstacle to simply dating. May I ask...do you think you may come across to strong or too needy? Try not to go into a first, second, or fifth date with expectations. Don't be in a hurry. Just enjoy the moment and the grown up companionship. The future will take care of itself.

And please don't limit the possibilities to women who match your clothing style, avoid sexual contact until you really know each other, and please don't steal their clothes.

[Amy R Lynn]

I appreciate the advice Leona, but I don't think I will ever try that! LOL

My kids are definitely my #1 in my life. I certainly am not looking for a replacement Mom, or a Nanny to raise my kids. I would never expect that.

It is possible that I have been unknowingly sabotaging things because of this. That is an interesting point!

Good advice all! I really do appreciate how helpful this community is.

[Nataliebabe]

My thoughts: Honesty is the best policy. Good things come to those who wait. It will happen when you least expect it and catch you completely off guard.

[Amy R Lynn]

My thoughts: Honesty is the best policy. Good things come to those who wait. It will happen when you least expect it and catch you completely off guard.

Would I be going too far if I ask for it to knock my heels off? LOL

[Brooklyn]

Same boat here... but you can't rely on a girlfriend to give you self-esteem. Kudos to you being a super-dad AND super-mom!

[Jenniferathome]

....What I'd do if I were in your shoes, first I'd only date women who's clothes I could wear. Then, I'd pursue them to the "first time" evening, and I'd steal something of theirs as a trophy in much the same way a woman steals a man's t-shirt or whatever as a trophy, and then see how she responded. If she didn't like it, then fine, here's your bra back, and I won't be calling you back, miss. Have a nice life.

WTF?!?!? Is this some really lame attempt at humor? If you are serious, you are dysfunctional. I got nothing more. I'm stunned.

[Druscilla Supernovae]

I gave up on women since my ex cheated on me. The dating sights are a joke, craigslist is fake, and I don't get out much. I think I should just date myself.

[Nataliebabe]

Would I be going too far if I ask for it to knock my heels off? LOL

Nope! Just don't scuff the heels! lol!

[dragdoll]

I've lost count of how many girlfriends, dates/one night stands with girls I've had between ages 15-25, after that I started taking CDing more seriously (next level) and guess what? I can count on one hand the amount of female sexual partners I've had since then (I'm 33 now). So yeah, it will ruin things for you with the opposite sex if you're too deep into it.

I've met girls who are more on the gothic/emo/hipster side of life who were very accepting of CDing but most of them were either too young, too fat/unattractive, or just insane.

[oliviall]

I have a similar situation to yours, Amy. Although I have two boys and two girls and have them half-time, so I suppose its like having two full time, right :)

So... yep. Same boat. Same results.

I make female friends quickly, have since I was *3*. And they all say some woman would be lucky to have me....it's always some other woman though, whom neither of us have met :P

[Lola Wants]

Amy,

I am a GG who met her CD SO on dating site. We've been together a little over a year and I love everything about him. He was honest from the start (before we even met). I guess what made it an "easy acceptance" for me is the fact that I am bisexual. I have been blessed to have the best of both worlds from a person who stole my heart from the moment our eyes met on our first date.

(Neither of us have children so I am sorry I can't weigh in on that part of your situation)

My advice to you, learn who you are/what makes you happy... and embrace it. Once you have the confidence of knowing who you are and what you want, it will be easier to express that to your potential partner. Be honest from the start (You don't have to be blunt... but you should be honest).

My SO and I have joked that I am his "Unicorn" mainly because he wanted to believe that someone would be out there for him, but couldn't confirm that such a Unicorn could exist... until he actually laid eyes on me.

Amy, we *DO* exist. And I wish you much luck and love on your journey!

Sending you positive vibes,
Lola

[Tabitha Storm]

It is very tough. I have been a single parent since my daughter was 1 and in Sept. she heads off to college. I had full custody so it made dressing and dating tough. I have dated some women who were fine with my dressing. Most did not want to see it until we were more substantial. I did however let them know early, 3rd or 4th date that I enjoyed wearing women's clothes.

There are some out there, I asked other questions to see how liberal they were before I decided to tell. Test the waters, dating is tough but we all deserve to be able to be who we are.

Tabitha

[Jackie7]

Well you won't find a woman who accepts and/or enjoys your girl side if you keep it hidden. And there are women who will prefer a man like you. But you have to take the risk, and give them a chance.

[Rhonda Darling]

Another way you might try to find that perfect someone is to sign up for local Meetup groups in areas of interest to you. There you will find people from all walks of life who share a common interest in, say biking, or getting together to cook and enjoy meals together, or go to art galleries and then somewhere to drink wine and discuss art. If you can imagine a interest, it's pretty much guaranteed that you'll find a corresponding Meetup group. Just engaging in fun, commonly enjoyed activities together will give you an opportunity to meet and be met. You'll get to know people in the group and if there is that magic attraction, you'll know. By all means, don't rush it.

Also, the #1 piece of advice given - keep your sons as the most important part of your life. In fact, find a group where young kids are included. You may end up starting a new "Brady Bunch" of your own.

(FYI, Meetup is an on line service that allows people with similar interests to find each other for group activities. Really great. In the DC / Northern Virginia area we have an extremely active CD group that gets together for various activities on a very regular basis.)

Rhonda

[Tracii G]

I have a few male friends that feel they HAVE to have a woman in their life and enter too many bad relationships.
My theory is be honest and be yourself let her find you. Go out with friends and have a social life but don't feel you have to date someone to be "whole".

[sometimes_miss]

It's pretty clear that feminine behavior by a male is not a turn on for more than a handful of women in the world. So, yes, it's sort of 'mission impossible'. After my divorce 15 years ago, I ran two separate ads in the personals; both identical, with one difference; at the end of the second one, I mentioned that I am a crossdresser. The first completely 'straight' ad got plenty of responses. The second, a few from prostitutes, some guys who were into homosexual interludes with a male crossdresser, and ONE woman from another country. Over time, the first ad got hundreds of responses. The one that mentioned crossdressing, nada. Zilch. Zip. Even here, there are only a handful of women SO's, and as near as I can tell, they mostly tolerate it, not get turned on by the idea. I've had an ongoing ad on plentyoffish for over ten years, and have come across less than a handful of women interested in dating me, knowing I'm a crossdresser. It seems it's only a 'I'll put up with your kink if you'll put up with me' deal; they don't really like the crossdressing, but are so desparate to date any man that they were willing to overlook the crossdressing, at least for a while. But in the end, being feminine is not the way to attract women. Gay women want real women, straight women want masculine men. There isn't a category of women interested in us. The one 'date a crossdresser' website is inhabited 99.999% by men. There are a very, very few women there, but you can't search for them because all the crossdressers list themselves as females; you can go through hundreds of pages of listings without finding any genetic girls there. And, they have fake profiles that will induce you to pay for membership so you can respond, then, when you write to those 'real girls', they either never respond or tell you that they never wrote to you.

good luck. You're going to need it. At this point, I'm back in the closet, debating never to tell anyone ever again.

[MatildaJ.]

If you are at all kinky, you might try reaching out to women who have kinks of their own. Kind of a "you scratch my back / I'll scratch yours" sort of thing. Look for women who like "Fifty Shades of Gray." If you can be dominant in heels, lipstick and a skirt, I think you might find a lot of women eager to sign on for that. Or if you want to be submissive when you dress, then you can look for a woman who will switch with you half the time. There are kinky women, you just have to be open-minded about their needs as well as your own.

[CrossJess]

Sorry to hear about that amy, the dating game is a tough cookie to crack and the goal posts are no where to be seen when your a cd looking for a gf, a lot of it is most woman can't handle it, they have this picture in their mind where they want be married and have babies and where men should men when in a relationship with them, all my female friends say this, it takes a special lady to sit comfortably with it, trouble is it plays a big part of why I like both sides of the fence as men as boy friends are a lot more understanding and very excepting of the way I dress and more often than not will encourage it.

Dont know if this will help but if you want to he noticed on dating sites then jazz up your profile with something catchy and funny and dont come across as a creep when chatting to the ladies, if you write a profile thats funny then you will get interest as making people laugh is one of the number 1s with dating, I did this and it worked for me.

[Dinsdale]

Hi Amy,
I am in the same position, But I am upfront in my crossdressing in online dating sites.
You get a lot of knock backs , but I think it is better to be upfront , rather than waste your time if the girls are not accepting enough , and realise that crossdressing is only one part of you.
In the long run the right girl will come along and the wait would have been worthwhile.
No point hiding it , otherwise it will end up in tears for both of you later on.
Accept who you are and enjoy it , the right girl will want to embrace it with you.
Good luck

[dragdoll]

It's pretty clear that feminine behavior by a male is not a turn on for more than a handful of women in the world. So, yes, it's sort of 'mission impossible'. After my divorce 15 years ago, I ran two separate ads in the personals; both identical, with one difference; at the end of the second one, I mentioned that I am a crossdresser. The first completely 'straight' ad got plenty of responses. The second, a few from prostitutes, some guys who were into homosexual interludes with a male crossdresser, and ONE woman from another country. Over time, the first ad got hundreds of responses. The one that mentioned crossdressing, nada. Zilch. Zip. Even here, there are only a handful of women SO's, and as near as I can tell, they mostly tolerate it, not get turned on by the idea. I've had an ongoing ad on plentyoffish for over ten years, and have come across less than a handful of women interested in dating me, knowing I'm a crossdresser. It seems it's only a 'I'll put up with your kink if you'll put up with me' deal; they don't really like the crossdressing, but are so desparate to date any man that they were willing to overlook the crossdressing, at least for a while. But in the end, being feminine is not the way to attract women. Gay women want real women, straight women want masculine men. There isn't a category of women interested in us. The one 'date a crossdresser' website is inhabited 99.999% by men. There are a very, very few women there, but you can't search for them because all the crossdressers list themselves as females; you can go through hundreds of pages of listings without finding any genetic girls there. And, they have fake profiles that will induce you to pay for membership so you can respond, then, when you write to those 'real girls', they either never respond or tell you that they never wrote to you.

good luck. You're going to need it. At this point, I'm back in the closet, debating never to tell anyone ever again.

These are some very good points, some of it reminds a little about what I was trying to say in my earlier post. The bottom line is most normal women do not want a feminine man. It might be different if you live in a big city like NYC or LA, but even then your options are limited. Most of the girls I've met that seemed cool with CDing were usually in the 18-22 age range and seemed to in an experimental phase. The 2 others I met were in their 30s and were into the weird fetish/bondage lifestyle thing and weren't very attractive anyway. Having a social circle is very important. Dating sites, unless you look like a male model, are a waste of time but they might useful just to experiment (I hate recommending "trolling" but that's kind of what it boils down to). Being completely open about it isn't always the way to go. I did fine for many years, keeping it the closet and just doing it on special occasions, then I had to push the envelope a little and now I feel I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because I wanted the best of both worlds. It just doesn't work that way for some people.

Someone who is single, bi, has no kids, and has absolutely no fear of being "outed" might be in a better position to find dating partners.

[MatildaJ.]

As someone who's in her 40s and into the whole "weird fetish/bondage lifestyle" I just want to point out that if you hope for acceptance from your girlfriends, you could try seeing if you could accept whatever unconventional preferences she has. It would almost certainly improve your chances...

[Jenni Yumiko]

I'm mid 40's and never had an issue finding someone who accepts... That was before I fell in love with my present wife. The one person whom I thought it would be easy peasy didn't turn out that way.
I do believe your priorities are right though, father first, I also have two kids that I have full custody of from previous marriage and my criteria for dating wasn't acceptance, but someone who my kids would like and get along with.
There were many one night stands and fetish dating, but in the end none I would stay with long term as they didn't fit the "extended family" criteria of mine.
Since you haven't even gotten to the point of telling your dates about the other you, do you think it's more of looking for a good fit for the kids?

[dragdoll]

As someone who's in her 40s and into the whole "weird fetish/bondage lifestyle" I just want to point out that if you hope for acceptance from your girlfriends, you could try seeing if you could accept whatever unconventional preferences she has. It would almost certainly improve your chances...

That's not really the point I was trying to make, which wasn't about "acceptance" but more about the importance of having a social circle versus online dating. Also, certain hobbies and interests can sometimes make a person undesirable. Not everyone is lucky enough to find a unicorn, some of us have to adapt.

And, yes, family first. Nothing is more important than that.

[MatildaJ.]

the importance of having a social circle versus online dating.

I agree with this point completely; I think people have a much easier time assessing who's a good match with body language to help out. But one of my social circles is the local fetish/bondage community, which includes many open cross-dressers, and I find it a very tolerant and welcoming group of people.

[Amy R Lynn]

...they all say some woman would be lucky to have me....it's always some other woman though, whom neither of us have met :P

Ohh if only I had a nickel for every time I have heard that one! I would be financially sound for the rest of my life. LOL

I really don't feel that I need to have a GF to have self esteem. It would be nice to have someone that I can share my life with and well.... be intimate with. I'm not one for one night stands, or slam bam thank you Mam's... I only get intimate with girls that I know and want to be with. It would be nice to have someone that I could go out on dates with and do the things that couples do. While I do enjoy the time that I have with my friends, its just not the same. I'm certain I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I would stuff the whole thing back into the closet, but I know the consequences of doing that (so do most of you!).

I know that I will be fine, and even happy without a GF. I have been so far, but I do miss it.

My first priority with dating is finding someone who will fit with my kids. The kids are #1 after all. If they don't fit with the kids, then there is no chance of getting to Amy.

I would absolutely have to accept their fetishes or unique traits if I would want them to accept mine. Of course that falls within reason, no blood fetishes or anything dangerous like that. Dangerous wouldn't fit well with priority #1, the kids. LOL

I'm sure my unicorn is out there, its just a matter of discovering her! Thank you all for the advice. Its very helpful to me.

[AllieSF]

One of the things that I do now is to just have a lot of female friends, more like acquaintances, with whom I can do different things from dining out, movies, plays, ballets, whatever. I just keep telling myself not to look for "her" but to look for activity partners, one of whom may turn into someone more serious for me. It hasn't worked perfectly yet. However, I do have a lot of GG friends that I do different things with now. Sometimes I get my hopes up a little for one of them, and then realize, gratefully, that it was better that it never went any further. Another thing that it does for me is to help me just enjoy the moment and the people or person I am with. I do a lot more now in feminine company, sometimes in small groups, like tonight I am going to see the Broadway play "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" about some drag queens going across Australia with two GG's, the same two that that I am with for a 5 play subscription. The good thing about this approach is that I am seeing more opportunities as I meet some of their friends through casual networking. I am constantly busy doing things that I want to do or trying things that they like to do, and there is no pressure on anyone, just friends going out.

[sometimes_miss]

I agree with this point completely; I think people have a much easier time assessing who's a good match with body language to help out. But one of my social circles is the local fetish/bondage community, which includes many open cross-dressers, and I find it a very tolerant and welcoming group of people.

I thought that might be a good way to go, but there are very, very few top females out there, and they have their choice of millions of males. While I can act 'top', I have a great deal of difficulty functioning sexually that way at this point in my life, not to mention that I'm not a great looking person to start with. Even s/m b/d women predominantly (pun intended) want masculine males. Guys in dresses seem to be a real turn off sexually for virtually all women. We can find friends; but lovers, not so much.

[MatildaJ.]

there are very, very few top females out there

There are some, but more to the point, there are lots of switches. Being a fantasy-dom / fantasy-domme is no one's cup of tea; real doms often get bored after a while and stop providing the stimulation & explicit domination that subs crave. Since they're in charge, they get to just stop, and the sub doesn't get a say in it.

So women who like to submit often look for someone who will trade with them ("switch"). Both people prefer to be the bottom, but they get along well and can be generous enough to top the other person half the time, in exchange for getting their own itch scratched. Also, you can stay in your dress if you bring dominant energy -- doesn't have to be the normal sexual acts (ie, intercourse), lots of submissive women mostly want to be tied up, or given sensation play, or "tortured" with a vibrator :-) If your hands work and if you don't insist on being "submissive" all the time, you should be able to make a submissive woman happy enough to switch with you, so you both get what you want. I see lots of couples where this works.

[Amy R Lynn]

Actually I like the idea of switching. It makes sense to me. Just like I don't dress up all the time, I wouldn't want to be top or bottom all the time. Now, just to find that girl! I'm sure she is out there somewhere.