I am worried sick about what people will think...

[Wildaboutheels]

or say should they find out ... is a pretty common thought process here.

But isn't it just plain Human Nature that your coworkers ARE going to talk about you and probably already do? I am asking about ALL coworkers of everyone, regardless of if one is a CDer or not? Maybe MY REALITY is not real? Not real because I don't live in the "RW" because I have worked for the Fed for 15 years and then for my local government for the past 26 [predominately with men if it matters any] and both places were the same.

The same in that anytime there were 3 or more people gathered in a group and person A leaves the room for some reason, he becomes "fair game" as soon as he or she is out of earshot and almost invariably at least one other person if not several will pile on with their own criticism and rarely will anyone step in to defend person A. Is this "normal" behavior every where? Or only for people who don't have enough "work" to do? It's not that I don't EVER hear one person praise another, but it's exceedingly rare and rarely will the "group" think involve adding MORE praise.

Maybe men are just more likely to criticize than praise?

I am quite certain they talk about ME once I leave the room. No reason they would not because it has been my experience that EVERYONE is fair game for just about any reason imaginable.

As long as I still get my paycheck every two weeks, I think I can live with it.

[Annaliese]

I see the same thing, I work a university and in the department I work there is only two male and five females, the other male is like you describes when a student leaves he always has a negative comment about the student. I don't see it a lot with females tho.

[sandra-leigh]

It was not like that for me working for the Canadian government. Where I was, Yes, any given person might have gotten talked about in private at some time, but seldom in detail or with hard criticism. For example one of the supervisors above my level entered into a relationship with one of the employees who worked for him, but I never once heard any criticism of that (I have to presume they made the proper internal arrangements to have her report to someone else, as the workplace did care about such things.)

Did I ever hear harsh things about people? Yes. For example one of the supervisors was fired and all of his employees were redistributed to other groups: it would have been somewhat unnatural for people not to have talked about the situation a bit.

Did I get talked about sometimes? Yes: I had a habit of assisting people with their work against direct orders not to (turf wars), so word would get around and people would quietly approach me for assistance.

[Sarah Beth]

Over the years I have worked in several environments which were predominated by women. I found them to be as cliqueish as high school was and heaven forbid you get on the wrong the side of one of them, or give some of them, not all of them, any kind of opening to start the gossip and back biting. That being said I found that a lot of the men I worked around were that bad too, and when it comes to people being gay, lesbian or whatever the men are much worse.

Where I live now I once was friendly with a neighbor who was gay. I found myself being the butt of jokes and having stories told around town about me for just being friends. So its not just in the workplace.

[kimdl93]

I don't know what people say about me in my absence, and as the saying goes, "its none of my business"

I sometimes speculate about what family members say in my absence. It became widely known - broadcast by my ex wife - that I was a cross dresser. My kids heard it first hand for a couple of particularly harsh rants, while I was in the room and I suspect sure that the subject came up repeatedly when I wasn't around.

But a wise friend advised me that the best revenge is a life well lived. I've tried to follow that advice, within my abilities, and it seems to be bearing out. My family, regardless of what they know or admit, genuinely care about me. My children and I have a great relationship.

[Kate Simmons]

You said it Hon. As long as people who talk about me don't sign my pay check, they can go suck an egg for all I care. Uncle Sam and my company pension department sign mine. Their opinion anyway and talk is cheap, you know? I honestly don't have anything to prove to anyone and just do what I want to do as at this point there is really not much more they can do to me. The fact is if they do talk about me, I know I've made some kind of impression, even if it's just gossipy little old ladies with purple hair sitting in rockers knitting.:battingeyelashes::)

[Beverley Sims]

People will talk about you from time to time about anything.
It is a form of built in paranoia that we have
ressing or other odd behaviour is not one of my problems.
Being in IT I get asked questions in a clandestine mode often.
Any gossip I hear I do keep to myself.
I find out a lot that way.

[Karren H]

Personally I never cared who found out..... my wife does... but not me.... and I don't care if people talk about me..... The way I dress.... or over dress, sets me apart from the rest of the peers... but my minions really prefer working for me over some of the insensitive jerks that came out of production.... and execs respect my work and my knowledge base..... plus everyone knows that I really don't need to be here..... which affords me some latitude in what I wear and what I say..... Life is good.... and very unscarry....

[Tina B.]

I worked in an all male environment, for thirty years, among truckers and warehouseman, and furniture movers, and we seldom spent time talking about other employee unless they where real bad and no one wanted to work with them. other than that we spent our time talking about the work, the customers or the difficulty of the job just finished. All that gossip would have been thought of as something women did, and just not done by those macho types. Must be the difference between working in an office, and working in the field and the type of people that do each.

the last couple of years I worked, was in an office, there was a lot of gossip there, but it was mostly women working there, and the few guys there did join in!

[Wildaboutheels]

I haven't worked with many females so I don't really know about them. I just sort of figured that maybe so many guys seem willing to do it because men tend to be more competitive?

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I would say it's common human nature for people to be nosey and "have the goods" on someone in any workplace. We have to remember it's also human nature for many to somehow feel superior supposedly having no skeletons in their own closet. Perhaps it somehow increases their own self esteem or massages their own insecurity? I don't know.

I endured the whispers behind my back after a divorce. I'm very sure many in my workplace knew and it did a number on me being defensive all the time. I had to grow a really thick skin. I also believe that it's very difficult for any of us to keep our secret especially if we give off any subtle clues. I was even the subject of some bullying where the bullying was masked for other reasons without anyone coming right out about me.

Thankfully I'm retired today and don't have to deal with all of that anymore. It was a stressful nightmare having to cover my tracks all the time and still do my job. The only thing I could do was to hold my head high and act like nothing was wrong and focus on the job and job related interactions. I'm sure anyone I see now with whom I worked in the past probably heard something. But again, I act like nothing's wrong or different and act with respect toward the other. Maybe it makes the other think the gossip was malicious by a few A$$****$ and unfounded?

The best advice given to me by a knowing former girlfriend was this: "Believe what you see and half of what you hear."

Cheryl

[mariehart]

When I worked in a big company as I later found out. Virtually everyone around me believed I was probably gay. I only really found out when a male friend's girlfriend got the story out of me and then told him. He told me that he would often have defended me when people suggested I was gay. Which proves that people were talking about me. Curiously though no one ever said it to my face except for some jokey comments and a female friend who straight out asked if I was gay. But then it was a very progressive multinational with a strong LGBT policy who frowned on discriminatory behaviour.

The assumption was that I was gay even if it was wrong. My rather feminine persona and lack of a wife or girlfriend was a bit of a clue I suppose. But they jumped to the wrong conclusion.

So the answer is yes, people do talk about you. But unless you're confronted by it or your career is being damaged because of it. What does it matter?

I spoke to someone recently who is a manager, she was worried about what people thought of her. So I asked her, did her boss say anything? No. Her staff then, No. So for all she knew everyone thought she was wonderful. I just pointed out that unless someone tells her she's doing a terrible job then she must assume she's doing a great job. People are quicker to criticise than praise.

I for one care a lot less about what people think of me than I ever did. Life's too short to worry about things like that.

[mikiSJ]

As long as I still get my paycheck every two weeks, I think I can live with it.

I cannot improve on that statement!

[MysticLady]

Maybe MY REALITY is not real? Not real because I don't live in the "RW" because I have worked for the Fed for 15 years and then for my local government for the past 26 [predominately with men if it matters any] and both places were the same.

As long as I still get my paycheck every two weeks, I think I can live with it.

Wild, I am so sorry that you have experienced that for so long and may have become conditioned and/or brainwashed by the very people you gave your services too. I'm leary of any government only because of the men that seek that power. They unfortunately, because of wealth, will obtain that, and most seek their self gratitude and agendas imposing it on the men and women who need that paycheck in order to survive. The same is for Big Corps. Regarding, to speak of someone behind their backs, is just a filth of human nature. It is something that we must resist and push back against. You have a problem w/ me, tell it too my face because this is what I do and expect it from others. Thank You.

[ReineD]

Yes, people gossip. It makes them feel better about themselves when they focus on "someone else's" weaknesses. They don't realize of course that we cannot see something in other people unless we have experienced it ourselves or we tend to see in others what is inside ourselves. lol

For example, if a group of office workers see a coworker out for lunch with a beautiful blonde who is not his wife, those who have had or have contemplated affairs will assume he is having an affair. And those who have a multitude of beautiful blonde platonic friends will assume he was just out with a friend. :p

At any rate, some juicy gossip is quite forgivable, or rather commonplace and it will not affect the social life of the person who is talked about. He will still socialize with his coworkers like have lunch with them, go out after work for a beer, etc. Social doors will not be closed to him. But in some circles, some gossip is less forgivable and it can lead others to believe that the gossipee is just too weird to hang out with. And this type of gossip does not necessarily have to be experienced in order to be discerned in others. Would a bunch of guys like to hang around with someone whom they think is gay, or a pansy, for example. Would the boss be as willing to pick this person for a special assignment that requires the confidence of his peers.

So I do think there is good reason for some CDers to be concerned about the world knowing what they do, if they do not plan on being full or near full time and if they feel as if they are living in less forgiving environments.

[Kate Simmons]

The situation you described with the blonde and going to lunch would actually feed some guys' egos Reine. I have to say I have been in that exact situation in the past. As a project manager for improvement projects I dealt with a lot of people including vendors. Some of the vendors I dealt with were knock down gorgeous women but very good at their work which is why I threw business their way. As a form of gratitude and good business, they used to take me for lunch at local restaurants. My co-workers and the local town people saw this and they all knew I was married. Did it bother me? Nope.I had nothing but great respect for these ladies but I got a kick out of keeping everyone else guessing. You can't stop people from talking in any case.:)

[ReineD]

Thanks, Kate ... but my example wasn't about whether people are right or wrong in assuming why a person is having lunch with a beautiful blonde.

My point was two fold: First that people tend to read into situations that which they have experienced themselves, and that some situations that cause gossip will not have a negative impact on the gossipee's life. And second, that some situations that are gossiped about go beyond the norm of usual gossip, and can cause others to close the social doors on the gossipee, for example, knowledge about the crossdressing (in some more conservative circles). And not that I am comparing the CDing to stealing, but an analogy is if it were known that an office worker had done time in jail for armed robbery, I should think this would also adversely impact his social life with his coworkers.

So the point of those two points is, there are some things that people are justified in keeping to themselves and fearing their privacy should be violated, depending on the milieu in which they live and work.

[AllieSF]

I have lived and worked for corporate America and had no problems with that issue of negative comments about someone as they leave the water cooler. It is human nature to talk about others because most of us suffer from a bit of insecurity, envy or disappointment and need to share it with someone else. I try to keep my comments about others to a minimum and have to admit that is not an easy task. As to whether men or women are the worst offenders, I will say that based on my experience it is about the same. We are social animals and need to be with the group and part of that is feeling like we fit in. So, if the group is talking sports, arts, or other people, most will join in to be able to participate with and be part of the group.

So, taking it a step further. I accept that people also talk about me and as long as I do not obviously suffer from their back talk, meaning that I realize that what they said about me negatively impacted me in some way, I don't really care. That attitude is the exact one I have taken into my crossdressing life. I think it was Rhett Butler who said, "Actually Scarlett, I just don't give a damn!" What is nice about that attitude is that I can truly enjoy and worry less. I accept that shit may happen for whatever reason and many or most times totally out of my control. That is why I like Alfred E. Neumann's favorite line, "What, me worry?"

[NicoleScott]

I've heard his many times: Don't worry when people talk about you. Worry when they stop talking about you.

[Deedee Skyblue]

I have to say, I can't ever recall being in a group of guys, and one of them leaves, and the rest start saying bad things about the one who left. Not the kind of people I would hang around with.

Deedee

[Emma England]

Whatever you do in life, there will always be someone to gossip or moan about you.

So, you might as well do what you want (assuming you do not harm anyone).

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi W.A.H. , When they are talking about you they are leaving someone else alone.