What would you do??????

[deebra]

Just read Mimi's post, 08-13, titled "Overheard at Norstrom Rack" and it gave me reason to write this post. Please go back and read her post and the forums threads. If you were the mother in this situation would you have bought your son the pretty, colorful girl shoes and allowed him to wear them or not answered and hoped this was just a five year olds observation and it would be forgotten. Being CDs would you have recognized this (CD) desire that is born in us and allowed or not deprived him of his "draw" to wear and be feminine. If yes and as time went on he wanted and you gave him more girl things to wear would you be encouraging him into a life not accepted by society. How about in his teens if he wanted to start M to F hormines since this is the time to get the most from them and transform the male body as it is developing? Would you feel guilty for the rest of your life helping him enter a life with so many obsticles? If you felt as the five year old did at this age would you have wanted your mother to say YES? Me, I don't know??????

[Princess Grandpa]

A great question. Perhaps a little difficult to answer with the limited information available. While this could easily be an indicator the child is TG, it could also merely be a five year old observation. I suppose I also have to acknowledge when my children were young I wouldn't have understood the signs I was seeing.

There were times I wondered about both of my children's sexuality. I understand gender issues and sexuality are unrelated but I didn't know that then. I did my best to encourage them to discuss their feelings from a young age and to ensure they knew I loved and supported them in their life choices (as if there was really choice involved) no matter what.

Hug
Rita

[Marleena]

This is a great question Deebra. Children are observant at that age and brutally honest. It could have simply been an observation on his part. My reply would probably be, yes you're right, girls do have a lot of choices because they like colorful pretty things where boys don't care about it. I would just take it from there.

Parents tend to steer their children towards gender expected behavior. I don't think there is a need to allow gender non conformity at this age unless it becomes obvious the child is having a lot of discomfort with their own gender identity. IMHO

[BillieAnneJean]

They do sell brightly colored shoes for boys now.
So one option she would have had was to show him the boy's red sneakers, or the ones with the lights.
Or have him paint some cheapie GW shoes any color he wants.
My grandson was wearing his sister's bright color tutus.
My son in law's mother is a shrink.
When she saw him in the tutu, she loudly exclaimed in front of the six year old child that he should stop because it would cause him to be gay.
She is from the side of the state that thinks where I live is too conservative.
I told my daughter to let him have his fun. If he gets it out of his system, then so be it. If not then big deal.
As long as he is happy, healthy, not doing anything destructive to himself or others, able (eventually) to be prosperous, and not doing any drugs, that is a successful child rearing.

[Kate Simmons]

I tend to agree with Marleena on this. As a father I didn't have any preconceived notions how my Sons or Daughter should act, probably no doubt due to my own personal gender dynamics. I always let them develop as their own persons as I would love and support them regardless of what they chose to do.:)

[kimdl93]

This begins as a nature/nuture question...but the implication that there is some sort of slippery slope and that a parent must prevent that first step lest the child slide into a transgendered existence. The suggestion is that exposure and opportunity create a TS person, rather than biological factors. Perhaps 50 years ago, this would have been a commonly held misconception.

But, today we know better than that. The child you describe appears to have a decidedly TS nature. And we know this is born in, not caused by external forces. I most certainly would have allowed a preschool son to choose anything he wanted to wear. I wouldn't begin assuming that this expression of curiosity represented anything permanent. I also would not delude myself into thinking that the access to feminine things was going to cause anything.

Now, if this GM child began to express a desire to dress and be female as he got older, I'd have to respect and support that. Yes, i understand that being TS as a child will present problems. But there isn't really an alternative. Generations of parents and generations of TS teens have tried to deny their fundamental nature, to their detriment.

[Beverley Sims]

I am familiar with the post and would have steered him to less feminine footwear but if there was an insistence I would reneg and let him have them.
I would not actively encourage dressing but I would tactfully suppress it by offering alternatives.
If this did not work, let him wear the tutu. My son is not CD or gay and he liked my daughters tutu and being a fairy when he was three.
The only permanent scarring is his kids laugh when they see the photo.
His daughter has the tutu now.

[Stephanie47]

If the child is age five I am going to make the assumption this is nothing more than a child's gender neutral observation concerning differences in footwear. I agree with Reine that some advice should be given concerning a potential adverse reaction from children who have advanced into the ages of gender identification. I don't think I would buy him the shoes at that time. It does sound as if it was more than an observation by the boy. If the child were to be inclined to be transgendered I would be supportive, but, also advise him of societal non acceptance. I am a realist.

[Dianne S]

I don't have a son, only daughters, so I'm not sure what I would do. (Girls can wear almost anything without anyone commenting.)

If the child was very young --- let's say 3 years old --- I'd buy the shoes. 5 is borderline, though. At that age, he's likely to be hassled by his peers so I would not buy the shoes unless he became very insistent. I'd also explain that he's likely to be teased if he wears them outside.

[daarleane]

I think I would have talked to the child to try to determine what exactly was he thinking. Then acted accordingly..

[UNDERDRESSER]

My grandson was wearing his sister's bright color tutus.
My son in law's mother is a shrink.
When she saw him in the tutu, she loudly exclaimed in front of the six year old child that he should stop because it would cause him to be gay.
??? Not much of a shrink IMO.

I don't have kids, nor likely to. MY GF sister has 2, and a friend have 2. MY GF's sister had the boy ask, "Why don't I have a dress?" her response, "Guess we're going dress shopping tomorrow" He forgot about it, so nothing happened. The friends boy was being dressed up by his sister and her friends last time I was down there, he was running around being a princess, nobody seemed to be bothered by it. Both families are feminist, in that they don't believe in putting artificial "social" limits on gender roles. Guy wants to be a ballet dancer, a home maker, seamstress, whatever, OK. Girl wants to be an engineer, combat pilot ( possible problems with that, but around gender ) weightlifter, oil field roustabout, sure.

If I was the parent at Nordstroms, I would have bought him bright shoes, after explaining the probable reaction. "You need new shoes, so if we can find some that fit, you can have the bright ones, but we can only afford one pair. If people tease you about it, you'll have to just look 'em in the eye, and say 'I don't care what you think' can you do that?"

[Marleena]

The one overheard conversation is really not enough to go on and I based my answer on that. As for the boy in the tutu, it is best not to make a big deal about it. Sometimes a strong negative reaction ( eg. OMG you're gay) reinforces the child's actions as a form of attention seeking. Obviously if the child has strong tendencies for cross gender actions you decide then and not discourage self expression.

[shawnsheila]

I sometimes observe my son's playing with my daughter's toys and vice versa and don't see anything wrong with it... it may of my boys wanted things that were targeted towards girls, I think I would get it for them with no arguments and same thing goes for my daughter. My goal as a father is to be as supportive of my kids as possible and try to help guide them through this crazy and sometimes backwards world

[DonnaT]

Since the child didn't ask if he could have a pair of girls shoes, then why would his mother have bought him a pair?

He simply asked, paraphrasing, why the girls had such pretty shoes and boys didn't.

I would have explained that some time long ago, shoe makers learned than men wouldn't buy those type of shoes anymore because they weren't practical for the rugged play of boys and the hard work men did, so they decided to only make them for girls and women. The reason the shoes are pretty is so that girls/women could dress fancy to attract boys/men.

Just because a boy can find such shoes to be pretty doesn't mean they have any desire to crossdress.

My grandson at 2-3 yrs of age mimicked his mother by carrying a bag, and putting keys into it like he was going shopping. One day we were pretending to go shopping and I said to him, don't forget your purse. He looked at me and and stated, "It's not a purse, it's a bag. Only girls carry purses!"

[NicoleScott]

I think I would have talked to the child to try to determine what exactly was he thinking. Then acted accordingly..

Exactly what I was thinking. Not in the store, but at some appropriate time and place, assure the child that he can discuss anything with you, and bring up the shoe issue, to see if he has some particular interest in them or other feminine wear.
A good way to drive a child with CDing tendencies deep into the closet is to make fun of, humiliate, or punish. Like what happened to a lot of us. But I imagine it would be easier for us to be supportive than people without the CDing drive.
If my parents had sensed something like that in me and we had the talk, I would never have wanted them to buy me anything, but instead I would have wanted them to take me shopping to pick out something for myself. I don't automatically like something just because it's made for females. I'm kind of particular.