Just need some advice.....Im a SO! Please advise!!!

[mango]

Hey guys! I know there has been posts on this before but i just need some advice. Im just gonna call my SO "Tom" for this post.

So I going out with my boyfriend over 2 years now. We're madly in love. We suit each other perfectly and I would be quite happy to spend the rest of my life with him. He's sensitive, gentle, loving caring and kind. He is also very masculine...strong, well built, muscly, bearded. We're both very creative individuals and thats part of the reason we were drawn to each other.

Shortly after we told each other we loved each other (about a 6-8 months into relationship)Tom sat me down and said there was something he had to tell me now before the relationship went any further. He told me it wasnt fair to me to continue on without telling me this. Eventally, he came out with it " I like to dress up in womens clothes sometimes".

My first reaction was disbelief (I actually thought he was joking- he is a big joker), followed by hundreds of questions what? why? when? for how long? WHAT?! wHY?!. Then I broke down crying for about an hour. I asked for time by myself to process the information. I was speechless. There was so many things going on in my head. But i managed to deal with them and realised that I loved Tom too much to let this get in the way.

Tom has told me that he only does it about once/twice a week. Its a private thing for him( he has no desire to meet other CDs or go outside dressed up). He doesnt want me to see him doing it.

Things have been progressing very well since then in our relationship and we both believed that this made us stronger. At one stage, we even looked at clothes for him, talked about it openly etc. Tom gets very embarrassed talking to me about it though( its as if he hasn't accepted it himself maybe?!) I was the first person he has told about and talks to about it. But every now and again, I get this niggling feeling, that I haven't fully accepted it. I worry about the future and I have so many questions about CD that Tom cant give me because he doesn't understand it himself. I have asked him these question but I never get an answer that satisfies me.
For example: Why does he do it? Is it sexual? Will he want to do it more as time goes on? WHY? wHATS the attraction? What if our families find out? How will it work if we live together?

Im so confused. I dont want to let this break us up because i love this man with all my heart. I suppose my biggest fear is that 10-15 years down the line if we get married and have kids, and then Tom decides " Oh well actually, I want to do this CD alot more now." Like i just could not handle that. Im worried about that risk.

It all came to a head recently. I was gone away for a few weeks on work business. Me and Tom were talking everyday on Skype, facebook, texting etc... I was soooo excited to come home after the few weeks and see Tom again, as was Tom. We both missed each other terribly! However my elation was shortlived when I discovered Tom had completely shaved himself ( whole body) to experience the smoothness of a woman for himself. This really upset me. He did it in the frst week of my absence, so by the time I came home, he was prickly and stubbly all over. Every time, we held each other, the prickliness just reminded me! It really irritated me, literally! He also dressed up more than he usually would while I was away ( 3-4 times a week). This was my biggest fear realised that he would get into CD more and more.

I want to accept this. I dont want TOM to stop doing this because its obviously a part of him and I wouldnt want to change him. If im honest, part of me wishes that Toms CD did not exist...i know thats horrible. I just need to change my mindset and accept it.

Any advice out there? Do I need to go for counselling to accept it? What do I do?! pLEASE Help I dont know what to do!

[MysticLady]

Hi Mango, Welcome too the Forums. Yes, we're weird. Hard too say where this may lead. You're fear is understandable. Ask Him point Blank on these fears. Ask him what He wants. We don't know the future and lot of times we just need to follow our hearts. It's called " a leap of faith". I wish you the best in your relationship, Sweetie.:hugs:

[kimdl93]

Your questions, concerns and fears are pretty common among SOs of CDs. Its difficult to generalize but you can take some comfort in the knowledge that most CDrs continue pretty much upon the path your BF is on....and CDing remains a very private aspect of their sexuality.

Its not surprising, given that he engages in CDing for sexual fulfillment, that in your absence, he did it more often. In some sense, CDing helped him deal in a physical way with loneliness and physical needs. That's ok.

As for shaving, well, its an matter of fulfilling a curiosity. He probably always wondered how smooth skin might feel. Its just a little experimentation.

Will his CDing change over time? Perhaps. We don't have perfect crystal balls. But it won't necessarily come to dominate his life or damage your relationship.

Here's a great thread on CDing shared by Reine. I encourage you to read it: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?199481-To-the-CDers-Who-Are-Contemplating-Counseling

[Juliea661]

Hi Mango, I agree with Kim and MysticLady. In addition, this fem side of him is part of what makes him warm, caring and creative. As you'll find here, there are many positive aspects to those of us who are slightly "outside the lines" with regard to gender. Many many here have fun creative positive happy lives with their SOs who support and share in a little gender bending. And spiritually...? I believe that our souls are gender neutral and come into this world to express and experience what they need. It is only society that tries to force people into little boxes. So be open minded and educate both your self and your SO. A wonderful book on the subject is My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. My wife and I learned soooo much from it.
Sending you hugs and good wishes, Jules

[JamieG]

Hi Mango,

Welcome to the board. The fact that you are here shows how much Tom means to you. Kudos for trying to understand. Your reaction sounds a lot like the one my wife had when I told her. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage Tom did to come out before marriage. None of us can tell you how far Tom will want to go, it varies from CD to CD. Sometimes, we don't even know ourselves. All of our lives we were led to believe that any feminine thoughts meant there was something terribly wrong with us, so we grow up with a lot of unhealthy shame and denial. As we start to feel more comfortable with who we are, we want to explore. For some it is just a sexual fetish and will never be anything more, for others it might be signs of a significant gender identity issue. If you want to find out where Tom is, you need to make him comfortable talking to you about it. At the same time, don't feel like you have to accept everything. One thing that has worked for countless couples is setting boundaries. Maybe you're okay with him dressing when you're not around, but shaving is a no-no. Note, these boundaries need to be mutually discussed, and some negotiation may be needed. If you set a boundary that he cannot live with, then obviously it won't work. Either he'll be forced to end the relationship or secretly break the agreement (not good!).

Please don't try to force yourself to accept things too quickly. Go at your own pace and give yourself permission to put the breaks on things if you suddenly realize that you are not as comfortable with an aspect of Tom's CDing as you thought you were. There are many couples on here who have made it work. My wife and I have been happily married for 12 years, have two beautiful children, and she has known that I CD for ten years (before we tried to have our first kid). I have tried not to push her too much, and in turn she has become more supportive of my CDing over time. Sure, we've had some fights about CDing (like once when I shaved while she was away without telling her) but we are actually closer now than ever. I wish both of you everlasting love and mutual respect.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Hon. I'm feeling if you truly love this man with all of your heart, you can make things work. Communication and understand is the real key on both of your parts. CDing is basically a process but any process left on it's own without controls will become chaotic. Your love and assurance will make all of the difference. The power of true love can never be underestimated.:)

[Angie G]

For myself I can say that my Cding is a part of me I have no need to go beyond CDing I have been a dresser for more then 50 years, My wife knows and accepts me I give her time as her husband on week ends. We have set boundarys that work for both of us. Don't give up on your man for CDing. It is a part of him and you both can have some fun with it.My wife and I have been married for 45 years and are very happy.:hugs:
Angie

[bridget thronton]

There are some amazing SO's on this forum who can answer your questions based their own experiences - get your 10 posts in and ask to join the FAB portion of this forum.

[UNDERDRESSER]

This is my opinion. It may not apply.

Crossdressing is often not understood, even by the people who do it. It is still negatively regarded by the mainstream, and because it often begins at a young age, there is frequently various mental blocks and horribly negative emotions built up around it. "I'm a freak!" "I'm gay!" "I must be a woman!" A lot of us have had such thoughts, because that's what we think everyone else, will think.

The first thing you both must do, is get past that. Yes, it could cause troubles if it gets known by others, and it may very well stay as something completely private to the two of you. But it's not wrong. It's not evil. It's not damaging to the psyche. Of itself. The effects of suppressing it, or worrying about what it means, those can be harmful.

So, get over it. Yes, you might find it revolting, or weird, or something you can't see him do, or whatever. If you're happy to let him do it in private, in his own time, and it doesn't take away from your life, there are a lot of dressers on this forum have a relationship like that, it's called Don't ask, don't tell.

Your SO's gender is not binary, very few people's are. That might mean that yes, he's a guy, and yes, he's attracted to women, but his form of expression can be sometimes feminine, for certain definitions of "feminine" This can be a "good" thing, as someone else pointed out, it may well have a strong influence on him being "sensitive, gentle, loving caring and kind." You seem to find that attractive, yes?

As I say, learn to accept it, both of you, then you can discuss it, as you wish, and he can start to explore where it comes from ( that may never be known ) and what it means to him. How does it make him feel? What does it do for him to see himself fully dressed? How far does he want to take it? Does he want to transition? ( very rare ) Does he want to just live as a woman, presumably in a '"lesbian" relationship with you? ( also rare ) Does he just want to portray himself as a woman sometimes? In private, or does the idea of going out thrill him?

If any of these are a problem to you, or him, or both, then you'll have to work it out. Or not. It may not be possible, and you may have to split. Don't panic over that, it sounds to me that you've got possibilities together, but you have to trust each other enough to discuss this honestly, if it doesn't work out between you, don't get hostile over it, agree between you that this is between you two.

Being able to be myself with my GF, enabled me to relax, and look at this thing I do, because of that, I've come to realise that for me, a big part is just being able to express feeling, emotions, and attitudes that others might construe a feminine, or gay. I had been affected by the mainstream attitudes as to what it means to "Be a real man" What a load of BS that is!

What the result for us is, I wear a skirt around the home, in the garden as well, and the neighbours have seen me. I wear panties, because I like the look and feel. I wear the skirts because it feels nice, and cool, and it shows off my legs in a way that I like, I really don't know why people can't accept the idea of a men in skirts, or whatever floats their boat, and in fact, when you go out and do it, an amazing number say "How cool! I wish my husband had the nerve to do that!"

Anyway, the point is, I can't predict what "Tom" will want to do. It's extremely likely that he doesn't have any idea at the moment. He didn't lie to you when he told you that he only wanted to do it, "Once or twice a week" The fact that you accepted it, allowed him, in his own mind, to experiment with it. That was a mistake on his part, and you both need to discuss that. Discuss everything, with the understanding, that none of this is wrong, but it needs to be explored between you, and whatever limits you need, have to be established. If you can't establish those, and have both of you accept them, then reconsider this whole relationship.

Don't panic, don't give up, but talk. Talk lots, it will take time for him to get over the guilt. If he's anything like me, he's been suppressing this for a long time, and it will be hard for him to look into himself this way, the view is murky to start, but it gets clearer.

Counselling may be useful, but for the moment, just talk, with the understanding it isn't wrong, it's just part of him. The important thing is can you both live with it?

[Beverley Sims]

Mango,
Welcome to the forum.
I am glad it is out in the open now and you can both learn to deal with it.
I say learn because Tom has to take the various steps slowly with you to make you feel more at ease and help you accept what he is.
You may never get used to it but I hope you do.
You can enhance your relationship as others have done, but if you are not accepting and wish to understand then slow is the way to go.
It is more than likely he will want to do this more later in life and there is no reason to involve children.
It is something shared between both of you like any other way of showing affection.

Him shaving all over is probably a bit extreme but you can place some limitations on it.
I would not say to the extent of not shaving his face though.
If he does it on occasions that can be enough to quell the beast within.
He will need to have some outlet and the occasional fantasy however strange is only an outlet and can be accommodated by permission occasionally.

I do not think you need counseling as there will be a myriad of replies with good advice here that will guide you in the earlier stages.
I say, stay loving him and work at the relationship, also let him know that he has to try also.
I wish you both well.

[Princess Grandpa]

Hi Mango

The fact that you came here to find out what' going on with Tom, shows how much he means to you and what a remarkable person you are. The fact that he told you about this just as easily shows how he feels about you and what a remarkable person he is. This site is full of people who were never able to tell the ones they love about this and still hide in fear today. Two people who love each other this much belong together. Cross dressing is a very small thing to deal with in an otherwise wonderful relationship. (says the cross dresser)

The reason he can't answer your questions to your satisfaction is because he honestly doesn't know. The need to dress has haunted me my entire life. Hiding somewhere waiting to resurface for a moment leaving me suffering from feelings of worthlessness and shame. Somehow I lived in denial for all this time. A couple months back something clicked and I realized what I had been hiding from all this time. This need to occasionally feel feminine. I am most fortunate. My wife is having a grand time with this, exploring and discovering this side together. It's been a few months now and I am no closer to understanding why than I was that night when my wife painted my nails and I suddenly felt right. I can point at things like Mom clearly wanted a girl or Dad was a schmuck. But I don't honestly know if that is truly a factor. Nurture/Nature? Truth be told I don't think too hard about it any more.

That Tom won't share this part of himself with you makes me suspect Tom deals with a lot of shame over this. Maybe he's just afraid once you see him dressed you will never respect him as a man again. I don't know. The key here is communication I do know that. Somehow you two need to be able to talk about it. If Tom cant bring himself to present in front of you that puts part of his life off limits to you. Not something I see as conducive to a healthy relationship. Lots of men and women have hobbies/activities that there spouses don't participate in so maybe I don't know what I am talking about.

You have fears about the future. This makes sense. I am sure if I were in your shoes *smiles at the mental image* I would have the same concerns. You two need to be able to talk about what worries you, what each of you want out of your future and how you want to get there. There are some very intelligent genetic females on this site that have gone through just what you face. They have their own forums. Once you have made 10 posts you can apply for admission there. You will have to jump through some serious hoops to prove you are female at birth but maybe you could find the support you need there. At least you would have the opportunity to talk to others who have been through what you are now facing and how they dealt.

I really hope things work for Tom and you. In my 30 years of marriage I have come to believe that the relationships that work vs the relationships that don't have strong communication going on. Then again I'm just an old hippie who thinks a hug can change the world.

Hug
Rita

[artofbalance]

Welcome to the forums!
I'm similar to Tom actually, in quite a few ways. I told my SO shortly after we started dating, almost 10 years ago. No one would have guessed it as I was pretty masculine as well. I told her because my last relationship ended after she had found out, not by me telling her. I wouldn't do that again.
CDing can grow. I was an underdresser for most of my life and actually really started dressing in public within the last year. Will I transition ever? I doubt it. I think most know when they are young if they ever will. I like being a guy. I think Tom probably does as well.
I'm going to step on some toes. I apologize in advance. Tom will be Tom. He always will. This is just one part of him. He shaved himself. Is this a deal breaker if you are in love? Something to think about. Everyone has said that you need to set guidelines, I agree... but remember, it can come back to bite you. I'll give you an example. Since I started dressing a lot more, I had to learn how to 'tuck'. My SO told me if I started doing that every day, we'd have problems. That left a very sour taste in my mouth. After we talked about it later, it was fine. But to tell someone you have to live by these rules, in my mind, tells me you don't love them. Am I insensitive? Some may say so.
Tom is learning who he is. Probably where he wants to take it. Will he know tomorrow, what he will be in 10 to 15 years? No. No one does. You can't ask someone what they will be like that far in the future. I can dream, but that's it. This requires you both to grow. Some things you may not like. Some say join FAB. It may help, but talking to some of the GG's here will help. I'll tell you to talk to my wife, DawnD. She may help more as your situation sounds similar to ours. Good luck. I say it's worth the headache... but that may just be me.

[Barbra P]

Hi Mango

Welcome to the forum. I joined a little over two years ago and I have read a number of threads started by Wives and Significant Others (SO’s) and what I have observed is that the members here will try and answer your questions in the best way they know how. Keep in mind that for the most part the answers are coming from cross dressers and you might get more useful answers from other Wives and SO’s.

You really aren’t a member in good standing until you have posted ten times, then you get a lot more privileges; you have access to more forums, you can send and receive Private Messages (PM’s) and best of all for you – you can request to join the FAB forum. FAB stands for Female At Birth and it is a private forum for Wives and SO’s, males can’t gain access to any of the postings. While I believe you can gain some wonderful insight and knowledge here on this forum, I think you should check out the FAB Forum and see what other Wives and SO’s have to tell you.

Julie mentioned “My Husband Betty” by Helen Boyd as a book you might want to read, In a subsequent book Helen writes about her husband considering living as a woman full time. Suddenly, Boyd was confronted with the reality of what it would mean if her husband were actually to become a woman — socially, legally, and medically. Would Boyd love and desire her partner the same way? Helen has a blog, http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/, that may be of some interest to you. I would recommend “My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife” by Peggy Rudd Ed D (about $13.50 in paperback or $8 as an Ebook) as the better books for Wives and SO’s.

I don’t wish to rain on your parade or scare you but Kim wrote that none of us has a crystal ball and one thing is absolutely certain, none of us can predict where your BF will go with his crossdressing. While he says “It’s a private thing for him ( he has no desire to meet other CDs or go outside dressed up)” that is certainly in the realm of possibilities to change. Two years ago I was contacted by a forum member because he was a LEO (Law Enforcement Officer) and I had been years ago. He liked to wear a few feminine things, but he didn’t wear makeup, didn’t have any women’s shoes, and didn’t have a wig, just liked wearing a skirt around the house. I also exchanged PM’s with his Wife, and while she was upset to learn that her husband cross dressed she supported him, even took him out and bought him some clothes. A couple months later he bought women’s shoes, then some makeup, then a wig. But it was still very private and he was very worried that his department would find out about his little secret and it would mean the end of his law enforcement career. He has been on HRT for awhile and recently he met with the Chief of Police and he will soon become one of the department’s female officers. This may be an extreme example and is in no way indicative of what your BF might do but it demonstrates that none of us really knows what the future holds for us. It is also true that while a small percentage of cross dressers are in fact transsexuals and will eventually want to transition, the vast majority of cross dressers are just that, cross dressers. Keep in mind that some of characteristics you find attractive, “He's sensitive, gentle, loving caring and kind” may well be rooted in some way to what also makes him want to cross dress – many would say he has a feminine side, all men do, his is just more pronounced.

I’m relatively certain that TOM can’t answer why he cross dresses, probably never will be able to answer that question. The chances that TOM can stop cross dressing are rather remote; I stopped once for close to eight years but when the urge returned it was stronger than ever before. I spoke with my Doctor, and she referred me to a Counselor who spent two hours with me and then referred me to the Psychiatry Department where I have been seeing a Licensed Therapist for more than two years. My Therapist told during the first session that medical science doesn’t know what makes people cross dress and there is no known “cure”. She went on to explain that her job was to help me accept myself and to help alleviate any depression and anxiety I might be experiencing due to my cross dressing. I would venture a guess that TOM’s mental state is a mess, he doesn’t understand why he has this urge, he is embarrassed, he is depressed and full of anxiety about his condition. I would bet that TOM really wants to talk to somebody about his crossdressing; he still just too embarrassed yet to open up.

Hope I haven’t scared you off. I also hope you take my suggestion to get ten posts and then request to join the FAB Forum.

Best of luck to you.

[Tracii G]

Welcome Mango I applaud you for coming here to get a better understanding.
There are no cut and dried lines when it comes to CDing and why we do it.
Understanding it can be very difficult at times.The fact he came out to you early on shows he loves/respects you very much because it is very hard to tell some one that this is part of you.
Get our 10 posts here and join the FAB section and chat with other women in your situation.
I wish you both all the best.

[MatildaJ.]

The reason he can't answer your questions to your satisfaction is because he honestly doesn't know.

Agreed. When I first learned about my husband's interests, I also tried to get him to talk and analyze and explain and predict the future. That didn't go so well. He doesn't know where this comes from; he doesn't know where it's going. He just knows that it feels calming and makes him happy now.


We suit each other perfectly and I would be quite happy to spend the rest of my life with him. He's sensitive, gentle, loving caring and kind. He is also very masculine...strong, well built, muscly, bearded... I suppose my biggest fear is that 10-15 years down the line if we get married and have kids, and then Tom decides " Oh well actually, I want to do this CD alot more now." Like i just could not handle that. Im worried about that risk.

I think you're both great people, facing a very tough decision with your eyes open. You should always be proud of Tom for having the guts to talk to you about something which he knew might make you wary about the relationship. I admire that so much. But now that you know, you do need to think seriously about those risks. They're real. But in life, every partner will come with some risks. Maybe his father died young of heart disease, maybe his mother is alcoholic, maybe someone in his family committed suicide, maybe he talks about wanting to live in Europe, maybe he tends to be generous to a fault and you worry about saving for retirement. No one's genes and family life are perfect.

And, actually, when you say you "suit each other perfectly," I assume that either that's a figure of speech or else you don't know enough about each other to see the places where you don't fit perfectly together. Relationships aren't dependent on finding the perfect partner, but on compromise and good will. As Dan Savage says: "A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted. All leavened by the occasional orgasm."

To me, the biggest decision is about having children together, because that's permanent. Understand that you have no way of knowing if he'll turn out to want to transition. I don't think that any statistics can provide security here, because it's becoming easier and more acceptable in society, so I think the number of cross-dressers who will make the leap to transitioning is going to rise in our lifetimes. Conversely, maybe it will be more acceptable to be gender-fluid, and a lot more people will fall into that category rather than feeling they need to transition fully. Hard to say. But I wouldn't trust to current statistics when thinking about the future.

Instead, face the worst case scenario. Suppose you have kids and then he wants to transition and become their second mother. Suppose that meant that the two of you split up. Do you trust him to be a kind, warm-hearted person who will be a good co-parent with you, even after going through the pain of divorce? Do you want to see those beautiful children the two of you will make together, even if it turns out he's feminine or gender-fluid rather than the masculine father figure you expected? If so, then go ahead.

But if all that gives you pause, you would not be a monster. If those scenarios seem intolerable to you, then you might seriously consider separating now. Maybe you'll miss each other too much and you'll get back together. Or maybe you'll each find someone else and be happier with them. There are no guarantees in life, and no Cinderella-style "happy-ever-after" marriages. Take some time, stick around here and talk to other cross-dressers and their significant others. Don't rush into any decisions for a while. Just sit with your feelings and think about your options with open eyes and an open heart. Good luck!

[Wildaboutheels]

"We suit each other perfectly..."

NOPE. ^^^ Simply not possible for ANY couple which IS why you posted? ONLY you and Tom can sit down and decide on limits and boundaries. For ANYthing he OR you are doing in your Relationship that causes problems.You are quite correct to be worried or concerned especially if you have spent much time reading through similar threads to yours. Tom may or may NOT know his path or his aspirations. Even IF he does, he may not want to tell you. No one here can tell you what is on/in Tom's mind.

Stubble is an easy issue to work around but others are not.

The only and "best" solution [IMO] is to talk with him about ALL of your concerns [no matter how "uncomfortable" it might make him] and write down on paper what kind of agreements the both of you reach.

And then, if "agreements" are NOT kept or stuck to or boundaries are pushed, you will have to speak up and confront HIM about it. It will be up to you and you alone.

[ReineD]

Hi Mango, welcome to the forum! :hugs:

Question: Would you have felt better if he had discussed the leg shaving with you ahead of time? Sometimes it's the element of surprise that is the most upsetting, as if they are wanting to keep things hidden from us or they want to downplay it, which suggests that the CDing is more important to them than they let on. I know, because I've been there. But, please understand that none of this means that he will ever want to eradicate his male self, or live full time, or become a woman, or actually go out and seek a sexual relationship with a man. The majority of CDers are heterosexual and they will not transition.

That said, a very wise and practised CDer once said that generally (I emphasize the word "generally"), CDers will go as far as they dream to and as far as their life circumstances permit them to. And for most CDers, this is a chance to catch their feminine selves up with their masculine selves if their life circumstances permit this and if they can overcome internal and external barriers. For my SO (who considers him/herself dualgender), this means going out in the next town over dressed on average twice per week, and not bothering to dress at home much anymore. But, in order to be able to do this, he did have to look the part which also meant the body shaving. It is more than just dressing up alone and in front of a mirror for many CDers, it is also getting some validation for the feminine aspect of themselves. In other words, this is not just some weird hobby ... your bf does have a real need to express femininity occasionally which I'm sure confuses him just as much as it confuses you, since he also enjoys being a man. And men are taught in our society that it is not OK to do this.

I want to add that my SO goes out dressed, but manages to keep this private from his and my family (our parents are elderly and would not easily understand), our more conservative friends (we are not in the business of advocating trans-rights to everyone), the acquaintances in our daily lives (we are not interested in starting a rumor mill), and of course his colleagues at work. So, going out occasionally and quietly in the next town over to coffee shops, or for lunch, or a bit of shopping has become rather easy. But as I said, my SO had to look the part and not look like a big burly guy wearing a dress.

So most of the progress that you will see will be in the area of perfecting a presentation. This will NOT mean that your bf is becoming a different person and that he will no longer be interested in preserving the dynamics in your relationship.

As to the rest, it will take a while for you to learn all the ins and outs and to become comfortable with your bf's CDing. Until then believe me, it will be easy to get spooked by reading about some of the fantasies that some CDers have, which when you think of it are mere fantasies just like your own fantasies. I have my own sexual fantasies that live in my brain's fantasy place and that I would not want to become a reality. I think that most of us do.

And last, yes the CDing does have a sexual element to it especially when it begins during the teenage years when boys think of sex every few seconds. :p But again, this does not mean that your bf cannot experience a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with you.

I hope that you will stick around long enough to learn and have all of this seem like old hat to you. :hugs:


... oh, and one last thing. It is IMPERATIVE for you to always be honest with your boyfriend about how you feel (including your fears, your sadness, and even letting him know that you felt angry about something) as it is for him to always be honest with you about what he wants to do. It is ONLY through continual, open and honest communication that you will come to feel less afraid, less threatened. One of the most common threats that we GGs (genetic girls) face, is the fear that our place as the woman in our relationship will be usurped by our SO's feminine self. And generally, CDers are not interested in taking over their wives' or girlfriends' places in their relationships.

I hope that I have not given you too much information too soon. :p

[5150 Girl]

In my opinion, there are no concrete answers. Every case is a little bit different. I think the thing you need to ask yourself is, "am I cool with my significant other wearing dresses now and then?"
At lest he told you instead of hiding it. Imagine what would have gone through your head if you had stumbled upon his "stash"? Imagine if you found out years from now, maybe even have a kid or two in the picture.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Mango

One way to rethink this is to consider that Tom is addicted to a more socially acceptable "hobby", like golf. Re-read your post, and see how it feels when you replace CDing with golfing.

Another thing the two of you need to discuss is how far is this going to go. Some CDs are really transexuals, and CDing is the stepping stone to "the operation" and transition. I think the great majority of CDers, are just that. Guys that want to express their femininity from time to time. For me personally, I'm convinced that transition is not my path. While I like having boobs for an evening or a day, I'm very glad to be able to take them off at the end of the day. But to be perfectly honest, since my wife found out 6 years ago (and not because I was brave enough or caring enough to tell her), I've gone from dressing in private to buying clothes on the Internet, to buying clothes in person, to going out to safe places with other CDers, to going to mainstream places. But, I still haven't shaved below the neck because I know my wife will be uncomfortable with it.

I know that there are a wide range of opinions on therapists, but I was better able to understand myself after seeing one. Maybe Tom would be interested in seeing one to better understand where he's going with this CDing. That being said, I personally know some of he and she couples, that are now she and she couples. I agree it takes a special woman to stay in this kind of relationship, but it works for them. I also know couples that are heading to divoruce as a result of his CDing. But I think I know a lot more who have come to some king of arrangement with it ranging from DADT to acceptance and encouragement.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mango, there's one thing for sure it will not go away it may stop but it will always be lurking in the background.

[DonnaT]

You've gotten some good responses so far. Let me ask you a question.

He is also very masculine...strong, well built, muscly, bearded.
If he hadn't told you about, or in fact wasn't a crossdresser. How would you have taken his shaving? After all, many muscular men with great shape also like to be free of hair so their muscle definition is more apparent.

[MissTee]

I'd like to add that what we do often comes with a lot of experimentation initially. Shaving was one of them. I did the all over thing -- donce. Hated the experience and never repeated it. Since I cycle I keep the legs shaved, but that's all. On rare occasions, with the wife's prompting and help, I'll do make up. Outside of that it's too much of a hassle. Anyway, experimenting has taught me what it is I need out of this thing called CD.

[Rachelakld]

Hi mango and welcome
For me - i hid for 4 decades, now i try to go out weekly and my family now knows and life is good. For me its a hobby, hope it stays this way.
Hope next time your SO gets a wax.

[mango]

Thank you guys soo. much for your help!! You are all so supportive! I really appreciate it! I showed Tom the post and we had an open discussion about it. I think we will try setting boundaries, write down what we're comfortable with and go from there. I know I will eventually accept Toms CD because this fella is too special to let go! There will be ups and downs and tears and laughter along the way. I know we're not perfect (it was really just a figure of speech) and I know we have a long way to go to discover what this means for Tom and our relationship. But I am willing to work at it and Im sure love WILL triumph!! This forum will be of great benefit to us! I have learned so much already reading through other posts and Im glad to know I have friends here to talk to about this, as I cant talk to my own friends.

I will join the FAB forum also once I get my posts in and stuff! Thank you so much for everything once again! You have been so wonderful! What a great bunch!! Love and hugs, Mango xxxx

[Tawne]

Oh this is interesting, mango, congratulations you have made the efforts to actually go out of your way and come here to ask for help, I can tell already you're a smart woman. The fact that he has been honest up front is a good thing, you can rest assure this guy will be trusting and true to your heart. So he wears girls clothes, big deal, it's just fabric, he's not a serial murderer as others may turn out to be. I have no problem with women either, just because I dress up like a girl means sh1t, it is my advantage, I am in 100% control. Mango, if I were you as I believe you are not dumb like a lot of women are, embrace it, it is more or less a hobby that also helps us men understand women. It wasn't until it all happened to me that I now understand why girl's bedroom floors are full of clothes, and why they buy so much makeup or shoes, you can see my room it's a mess during the weekdays. It is completely impossible for the non-dressing dude to be able to grasp those fundamentals.

Anyway good luck, it's up to you, if you rid him, good luck finding someone perfect, you will be looking forever! lol

I would take the news as a blessing, as I said before, he has disclosed probably one of the most sacred secrets of his life to you, you can trust him.

EDIT: The part about the prickling after the body shave made me laugh so hard, I think it's cute, I don't recall watching a TV commercial that said guy's can't shave themselves, since that's how we know what's right and wrong these days right lol.

PS: I don't watch TV :P

[Barbra P]

. . . I showed Tom the post and we had an open discussion about it. I think we will try setting boundaries, write down what we're comfortable with and go from there. . . .
A word of warning, the boundaries that you set must be mutually agreed to, you cannot dictate the boundaries, if you do they’ll get broken and you’ll be faced with “You laid down the law, I never agreed to that . . .” He may very well eventually push the boundaries even if he now agrees with the boundaries – crossdressing is sort of an evolutionary/experimental thing. Don’t be surprised if at times he is almost childlike when it comes to his crossdressing; you might be applying nail polish to your toes and he might suddenly decide that he would like to see what it’s like to have painted toes. Paint his toes, satisfy his curiosity, it’s easily removed.

I don’t know how old either of you are but I’m guessing you are both young adults; some men are late bloomers and don’t start crossdressing until middle age, but most start pretty young, usually before puberty. TOM has felt shame and embarrassment and he will have a difficult time discussing what he has spent many years meticulously hiding. You might try gaining his trust by convincing him that you want to be part of all aspects of his life. But him something feminine, buy him a lipstick and tell him the brand is one of your favorites and you think the color would look great on him.

My Wife is more tolerant than supportive but a couple years ago we were in Penny’s and she was looking for a bra. Penny’s had a sale going on, buy one, get half off on a second bra. She found a bra she liked but couldn’t find a second one, and then she turned to me and asked “Could you use new bra?” WOW! I couldn’t believe she had asked me that, that made my day, heck that made my week, I was on top of world.

[MysticLady]

However my elation was shortlived when I discovered Tom had completely shaved himself ( whole body) to experience the smoothness of a woman for himself. This really upset me. He did it in the frst week of my absence, so by the time I came home, he was prickly and stubbly all over. Every time, we held each other, the prickliness just reminded me! It really irritated me, literally!

Hi Again Mango(a sweet fruit BTW)

I wanted too answer this, but, I just didn't know how. Maybe I still don't but here's my suggestion. Picture yourself in his shoes. Holding a Hairy Woman. A woman growing hair is natural, and believe it or not, some men prefer that. Would you be comfortable making love too a gorilla?(remember, you're in his shoes):thinking:


Mental Blocks...The trick in Life is too............................................... ..........Erase them.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Thank you guys soo. much for your help!! You are all so supportive! I really appreciate it! I showed Tom the post and we had an open discussion about it. I think we will try setting boundaries, write down what we're comfortable with and go from there. I know I will eventually accept Toms CD because this fella is too special to let go! There will be ups and downs and tears and laughter along the way. I know we're not perfect (it was really just a figure of speech) and I know we have a long way to go to discover what this means for Tom and our relationship. But I am willing to work at it and Im sure love WILL triumph!! This forum will be of great benefit to us! I have learned so much already reading through other posts and Im glad to know I have friends here to talk to about this, as I cant talk to my own friends.

I will join the FAB forum also once I get my posts in and stuff! Thank you so much for everything once again! You have been so wonderful! What a great bunch!! Love and hugs, Mango xxxxYou're welcome! I realize my post wasn't specifically supportive, as I was concentrating on giving you my viewpoint and some information that I thought might be useful. Let me be a bit supportive now, You Rock! I don't think supportive SOs are in the majority, so It's important to give you credit for that. I know I give my GF credit for that, and I love her for it. ( among other things! ) Keep posting, about anything, and get your 10 posts in, apply for the FAB forum, ( Man, I so want read that stuff! No worries Mods! I understand why it has to be private ) You're off to a good start, communication and building up trust, that's the way to a solid, meaningful relationship, CDing or not. Suggest to "Tom" that he joins? If he is not already a member. Tell him form me, even if he finds posts that disturb him, or make him go "I'm not like that!" not to worry, a lot of what I've learned from here is what I'm not. That knowledge alone is priceless. it's too easy to just "go with the flow" to do things, think things, because "everyone else does." I think most people would be shocked at how many others don't, actually think like that, they're just afraid to stick out. It's also sometimes hard to allow your mind to encompass multiple realities, so don't think because of wanting A I must then do B, or want to go down path C. We are only just beginning as a society to understand how much of a range of permutations humans come in. You don't have to be any of them. Be yourselves.

[Shelly Preston]

Quote Originally Posted by mango View Post
However my elation was shortlived when I discovered Tom had completely shaved himself ( whole body) to experience the smoothness of a woman for himself. This really upset me. He did it in the frst week of my absence, so by the time I came home, he was prickly and stubbly all over. Every time, we held each other, the prickliness just reminded me! It really irritated me, literally!

Hi Mango

I can understand you shock at what your partner did. Things can be difficult enough without more unexpected things.


Hi Again Mango(a sweet fruit BTW)

I wanted too answer this, but, I just didn't know how. Maybe I still don't but here's my suggestion. Picture yourself in his shoes. Holding a Hairy Woman. A woman growing hair is natural, and believe it or not, some men prefer that. Would you be comfortable making love too a gorilla?(remember, you're in his shoes):thinking:


Mental Blocks...The trick in Life is too............................................... ..........Erase them.


I think a better analagy would be that Mango finds it more like being with a porcupine

[sometimes_miss]

The key lies in why he crossdresses. You're going to have to find a brilliant therapist who can help you with this, it took me about three decades to do it on my own. There is a lot of stigma attached to this, which makes the 'I was born this way' reason the most acceptable, even when it's not true, so that makes it even harder to figure out. As somebody else mentioned, we usually can't stop it entirely; my longest was also for about 8 years when I was in a stable relationship. But that doesn't mean your man can do that, because what's causing the desire could be from a completely different cause. One concept that can help you is this: most women who discover their man crossdresses are very upset, and this comes from the fear that either he is homosexual or transsexual. You can rid yourself of the first simply by observing his sexually being turned on and having sex with women; homosexuals won't normally function sexually with women. As far as being a 'true transsexual', you can read up on the differences in male and female thought patterns, communication styles, and mental capacities in various different activities in books by Alan and Barbara Pease. In those, you will discover easily observable differences in male and female brain functioning, which will most likely demonstrate to you that he is very much a typical male, other than the desire to dress and/or behave as a female at times. I can elaborate on this quite a bit if you want to take this to PM or email, as it will fill up many pages. And I applaud your taking the initiative to interact with the folks here, but remember, we're a very diverse group, and what applies to some of us will have absolutely nothing to do with your mate.
You and/or your mate may PM me here and I will supply you with an email address if you want more information, or you can buy the Pease's books on amazon, the used versions are very reasonably priced. In the back of their books are also many references for further reading.
Alex

[Eryn]

...Things have been progressing very well since then in our relationship and we both believed that this made us stronger. At one stage, we even looked at clothes for him, talked about it openly etc. Tom gets very embarrassed talking to me about it though( its as if he hasn't accepted it himself maybe?!) I was the first person he has told about and talks to about it. But every now and again, I get this niggling feeling, that I haven't fully accepted it.

Join the club! My experience was that it took me a long time to accept myself even after becoming open with my wife. The ingrained habits and prejudices of a lifetime don't go away easily. It does get better with time!


I worry about the future and I have so many questions about CD that Tom cant give me because he doesn't understand it himself. I have asked him these question but I never get an answer that satisfies me.
For example: Why does he do it? Is it sexual? Will he want to do it more as time goes on? WHY? wHATS the attraction? What if our families find out? How will it work if we live together?

All of these are valid questions but the answers are often obscured. The only one that is readily answerable is "is it sexual?" and even that one changes with time.

Relationships are not static. They grow and change with time. Ignoring CDing, I'm not the same person I was when I married my wife and she is not the same person either. We've made a commitment to each other but within that commitment there is a lot of room for change and growth.


...my elation was shortlived when I discovered Tom had completely shaved himself ( whole body) to experience the smoothness of a woman for himself. This really upset me. He did it in the frst week of my absence, so by the time I came home, he was prickly and stubbly all over. Every time, we held each other, the prickliness just reminded me! It really irritated me, literally!

Shaving is a tough subject as body hair and its removal is not a symmetrical situation with men and women. Women consider changes of this sort to be a personal choice and nobody else's business. They would take offense if someone criticized their personal grooming. Men, unfortunately, are under stricter restraints and many people see no problem in criticizing their choices, particularly when they involve gender-typical behaviors.

This is particularly disappointing because women seem to enjoy male hairlessness as long as it isn't their own man. Do an image search for "beefcake" or "male model" and you won't see very much hair below the neck!

So, what to do about your own situation? Obviously the stubble has to go, as it is annoying you. That leaves two options, letting the hair grow out or removing it again.

If you tell him "your legs are scratchy, go shave!" you will make his day! You will also have to get used to a different sort of feel when you are close but this is not insurmountable. People get used to all sorts of changes in their partners and often these changes bring them closer.

Other options are shaving seasonally or for special occasions. This can actually be more stressful as it involves multiple changes.

My suggestion, based upon personal experience, is to give it a trial run. From what you wrote you've experienced him stubbly, but not smooth. If you keep an open mind you may find that smooth is also pleasurable. That is my experience with my spouse.

I will also touch the option of forbidding him or shaming him into never shaving again. While this may work for the short term, such tactics do not bode well for your relationship over time.



He also dressed up more than he usually would while I was away ( 3-4 times a week). This was my biggest fear realised that he would get into CD more and more.

Given the freedom to do anything we want to do, we will naturally do it more often. This is human nature. After a while things will settle into a new equilibrium and he will probably dress less.


I want to accept this. I dont want TOM to stop doing this because its obviously a part of him and I wouldnt want to change him. If im honest, part of me wishes that Toms CD did not exist...i know thats horrible. I just need to change my mindset and accept it.

Believe me, if you ask just about any of us if we would like our CDing to "magically go away" we would say "yes!" Your feeling is honest, not horrible.

The other side of the coin is that I've met many amazing people since I started actively CDing. I've had experiences and developed friendships that I otherwise wouldn't have had. Mimi and I are going to a dinner in Beverly Hills tonight, something I wouldn't have even considered before we both accepted my CDing.

There's a saying: "When handed lemons, make lemonade!" CDing is a bit lemony, but if both of you keep an open mind your relationship with CDing might well be better than your life would have been without it.


Do I need to go for counselling to accept it?

I don't think so. You want to accept him for what he is. Paying someone to tell you that this is OK (and that is what any competent psychologist will tell you) is likely a waste of money.

[Julie Bender]

Not sure why but I am drawn to reply to this just a bit.
I am princess grampas wife.
Have known for under a year.
First he told me he liked panties then I bought him some. It does get more and more exciting.
As you both be one more accepting and explore the new found open mindedness you will both find thing you like or dislike.
Think of this as one of the MANY adventures a relationship includes.
This is what is feels like when you first learn to reallly be open minded.
When you get over the shock and confusion it get super fun.

But moreover it is crucial to ANY relationship you will have that you are both able to accept and be who you are freely

[Celeste]

Hi Mango,welcome to the forum.You know,he may have underestimated how deeply you'd feel about the shaving.I'd bet if he'd had it over again ,he'd ask you first.I would sit him down and let him know that you consider shaving or altering himself a joint decision and you would feel more complete in the relationship if he would consult you first.

[Tracii G]

Julie Bender you said a mouth full its all about exploring each other and doing it together.
Once you can remove all the things that society says about us and learn we are just like everyone else just have a different "hobby" so to speak.
Letting go of the boring mundane everyday life and actually connecting with the man you love in a way most women never will.Be a trailblazer take your own path be different.
The great thing about this its something that will bond you two tighter together.He has put all his trust in you telling you this because its one of the hardest things for a man to do.
My GF and I have nothing but fun with it and is always a new adventure for us.

[lauren.h100]

I think you and Tom are in a really great place right now. Tom has shown enormous strength and love in sharing this previously very private aspect of himself and you have returned the favor by not freaking out when he told you and by now finding this site and searching out advice.

You are most likely correct in your belief that Tom himself isn't completely comfortable with being a crossdresser if he doesn't want to dress in your presence. He's most likely pooped in the strength department after breaking down his own, internal barriers and telling you he's a CD but at this point he really needs to own it. Whether he looks completely ridiculous or indistinguishable from a real woman when dressed, or more likely somewhere in-between you need to see him and he needs to be seen by you. There's no need for either of you to take it deathly seriously when you can simply enjoy and play with it. You're both in this together and hiding himself away when he's in girl clothes is not the best way to deal with this or for you both to support each other.

I'm going to go against most of the advice you've received here and not recommend setting boundaries right away. You've never had a crossdresser as a boyfriend and Tom's never shared his CDing with anybody else so you'd be setting boundaries in a knowledge vacuum. How can either of you know what you want (or specifically don't want) when neither of you has ever been in this situation before? Setting boundaries is often a first response when a wife of many years accidentally discovers her husband is a CD or her husband suddenly decides to disclose all out of the blue. Such a situation where the wife is blindsided after years of secrecy by her husband needs major damage control and setting boundaries right away is a good idea to bring a semblance of sorely-needed order to the situation. However in your case Tom has come clean relatively early in your relationship so setting hard and fast boundaries so soon will most likely be needlessly constricting. Complete openness and lots of talking should be the order of the day, but without regimented rules. For example, Tom wasn't wrong to shave his body but he was mot definitely wrong to do so without telling you first. He denied himself and you the distinct pleasure of being in bed together while he was still smooth and in its place you got Mr Prickly. Perhaps if he'd discussed it with you first you could have helped him choose a good razor and gel (male facial razors and gels are not the best for body hair) or directed him to a salon with a good waxing service (my preferred option).

Incidentally, I was a little surprised to see mention of transsexuals in a few of the early replies to your post. There was no reason to suspect Tom of being transsexual before he told you he's a crossdresser and there's still absolutely no reason afterwards. The two situations are completely different and just bringing it up muddies the proverbial waters and may cause you utterly needless concern.

The truth is, not all men are Rambo and not all women are Marilyn Munroe, and thank goodness for that. When you look at crossdressing without the distorting prism of religious or societal (at least some areas of society) prejudice there truly isn't anything intrinsically bad about it. Frankly, being a crossdresser can be enormous fun, and being the SO of a crossdresser can also be enormous fun. Throw away any preconceptions you may have acquired through tabloid TV shows, hysterical fundamentalists, etc and remember everything you liked about Tom is still there. Tom's still Tom - you just have a little more in common than you first realized and I think that's a cause for celebration. Come to think about it, why not have a bottle of good champagne at the ready to really celebrate when you first see him crossdressed?

[MissTee]

You have a great attitude, Mango. I have no doubt you'll work this out and thanks for sharing. In the end you feel what you feel about your BF's CD-ing and there's no right or wrong about how you feel. They are your feelings and you don't have to justify them. That said, you seem to have realized that discussing your feelings with your BF is the healthy way to proceed with your relationship. I couldn't agree more. Open dialogue (and minds) have kept my wife and I together for over 35 years.

Oh, by the way -- welcome to the forum!!

[CarlaWestin]

I'm always engaged with the poor SO posts. I think if I read enough of them I'll figure out the magic secret. An interesting note from the last time I was invited to my SO's therapy session, there's evidently a major concern that I will be too attractive and present as competition. Wow, I guess I can relate. If she all of a sudden, once a week, started making the money, fixing everything, planning retirement along with the other formerly exclusively male things she already does, I would just be shocked and break down in tears. Not!

[MatildaJ.]

There was no reason to suspect Tom of being transsexual before he told you he's a crossdresser and there's still absolutely no reason afterwards. The two situations are completely different?

I grant that there are plenty of guys who crossdress and never do anything else. But plenty of transsexuals started off by crossdressing -- and did not realize there was more to it until they'd been crossdressing a while. And since times are changing, as far as what's possible and what's acceptable...I don't know how any one can accurately predict how many people who crossdress today will turn out to want to transition in twenty years

[ReineD]

Jess, there have been extensive studies with CDers. It is true that the vast majority enjoy being male (or they know they are male) and they will not transition. In fact, a review of thousands of threads here will tell you that the strong desires to express femininity diminish in intensity for most CDers over the years, as they come out of their closets and go out in the mainstream on a regular basis. Things have a tendency to calm down and not ramp up ... unless a CDer feels severely constrained and has no outlet for expression.

It is also true that most every transsexual starts out by crossdressing. But, transsexuals represent only a small fraction of the entire TG community (by TG, I mean the umbrella term that includes everyone who crosses a gender barrier). Maybe the people who participate in the threads here will help put it in perspective. There are 7,000 threads in the TS section, compared to 83,000 in the CD section, which is 8% TS and 92% CD.

[MatildaJ.]

Things have a tendency to calm down and not ramp up ... unless a CDer feels severely constrained and has no outlet for expression.

Thanks, Reine. You have much more experience than I do; I've only been reading for six months or so. But I see so many threads with advice on how to compromise and establish boundaries and limits. I don't want to think of myself as the limiting factor, constraining my husband from being who he wants to be.

So instead I'm working to get my head around the idea that it will go as far as he wants to go. That means that I accept that he may want to wear female clothes full time, especially after he retires, as many here do if they have understanding wives. And it means I accept that some day he may want to transition.

If the odds are as you say, then most likely we'll never get to either of those points. But I don't like to tell him that he can only go so far in expressing what he feels, and anything further is forbidden. So that's why I take the perspective I do; hope I haven't muddied the waters further.

Also, about those statistics: "There are 7,000 threads in the TS section, compared to 83,000 in the CD section" -- it seems worth considering that people who transition are done and see themselves as women now. They go off and read whatever sites women read, and melt into the population. This site is called "crossdressers.com" and it's aimed at people who are presenting as male some of the time, but who have desires to present as female as well, at least some of the time. And it's also not a longitudinal survey. So it's hard to use stats from this site to figure out who will want to transition as they get to retirement age.

[MissTee]

As Reine stated, having the freedom to explore and "let it out" on occasion keeps things in check. Also, I like being a guy and will never give that up.

When I can't dress for an extended period of time I find myself engaging in massive amounts of on-line, girly retail therapy. I now buy for my daughters and wife to curb growing my closet any bigger. My wife and I have surmised that dressing for me is a stress channel. It doesn't hurt or harm anyone, we can have fun with it, and I seem to remain mentally healthy because of it.

Again, I have no desire to transition or give up my maleness. Been at this for many years and can say that with great confidence.

[ReineD]

But I don't like to tell him that he can only go so far in expressing what he feels, and anything further is forbidden. So that's why I take the perspective I do; hope I haven't muddied the waters further.

No, of course you don't muddy any waters. :hugs: I've always felt just as you do, that I have no right to tell my SO who s/he is, how to dress, how often to dress, etc. But, I also recognize that I have an advantage over the average GG. I was told at the very beginning, so I had full freedom to walk away if I wanted to. Also, I knew a CDer before meeting my SO and I knew that he and his wife had a happy marriage. And third, this is a second relationship for both of us. I don't know how I would have reacted, had I been in my 30s with a brood of children to raise.

At the same time there are limits. I do not limit my SO ever, but there are limits to me. I know that I am not attracted to genetic women and so I don't think that I would still be attracted to my SO should she ever want to develop a female body. As to transition, I'd have to think long and hard before agreeing to live in a lesbian relationship. It's just not the way that I've seen myself all my life and I don't know if I could change at such a late stage in my life.

If ever my SO's needs go beyond my ability to change with her, then our relationship will change. I will always love her and I will certainly be her friend, but I don't think that I could have a romantic relationship with another woman. So Jesse, this is not putting any limits on my SO, it is telling my SO my own inner truth. :)

If you've looked inside yourself and have determined that you can live life with another woman, kudos to you! :) As you know, we have several GGs who have stayed the course with transition. Still, this is very much an individual decision.

As to the statistics, I'll keep an eye out and start accumulating bookmarks. I have read in many, many places that the incidence of transsexualism is only a fraction of the CDing. I have posted links to such data before but I have not kept track. I'll send you the links when I run across them again. In the meantime, if anyone has links to the data, would you please send them to me? It will save me time. :p

[MatildaJ.]

I do not limit my SO ever, but there are limits to me. I know that I am not attracted to genetic women and so I don't think that I would still be attracted to my SO should she ever want to develop a female body...If you've looked inside yourself and have determined that you can live life with another woman, kudos to you! :)

As to the statistics, I'll keep an eye out and start accumulating bookmarks. I have read in many, many places that the incidence of transsexualism is only a fraction of the CDing. I have posted links to such data before but I have not kept track. I'll send you the links when I run across them again. In the meantime, if anyone has links to the data, would you please send them to me? It will save me time. :p

I like the idea of phrasing it in terms of my limits for myself, rather than my limits on my husband. But the truth is that I don't know what I am capable of. I find it unlikely that I'll ever see his (possible) transition as a positive thing, but then I think if my husband were paralyzed I hope I would be strong enough to stay and help take care of him and still love him, even though it might be challenging to find his weakened body attractive. Whatever happens here, I don't think this is something he's chosen, or something he's doing to me. It's something that's happening to him, whether or not he enjoys it. So: I can't promise to stay, but I promise to stay as long as I can, and I don't know where the line is that would be my limit.

Please don't bother chasing down the statistics for me. My concern is that they are rapidly getting out of date. Think of the parallel with gay folks: thirty years ago if you came out as gay to your parents, they thought it was probably a death sentence, and you would certainly never give them grandchildren. And yet now AIDS is treatable, and many gay people have children. Many people stayed in the closet back then, who are coming out now that it's not so bad.

So too, in past years the only people who transitioned were those who absolutely HAD to, in order to avoid suicide. But as the stigma decreases -- and I absolutely think the stigma should decrease -- to me it seems logical that a higher percentage of people with an interest in cross dressing will end up transitioning in the future. And for better or worse, no statistics you find will be able to disprove my theory.

[ReineD]

Jess, not to take the thread too far off topic talking about statistics (although I hope the OP will be interested :)), but the familiar world of the birds and the bees, meaning that 95% give or take a few percentage points are habitually hetero (I'm not talking about the people who have had one or three homosexual experiences, which inflates the total number of same-sex attracted people). So the number of homosexuals hasn't changed and it won't change unless we continue to mess up our environment (see fish studies). The one difference is that before no one was out and now everyone is. And they've been out for a while now. The number of transsexuals getting SRS is on the increase, but that's because there are more and more doctors performing the procedure, the cost is relatively low now because the technique has been perfected, resources on the internet are mushrooming, and we have TSs who have been suppressed for years, who are now coming out all at once. The baby boomers and the generation slightly after them. But I expect the number of transitions will stabilize once everything is caught up.

It would be interesting to see data comparing the number of new, young TSs to before. I don't expect there would be a significant difference. And the numbers are what ... 1:500? 1:1,000?

And again, if you look at the prevalence of CD fetish websites, fetishwear sites, trans-chat rooms, dating sites, hook-up sites, trans-porn, picture hosting sites, etc .... this will tell you there are a great many men for whom this is strictly recreational. These men will not transition. They will not get rid of the bit that gives them pleasure. They may become more comfortable with it as they age, it may become less sexual and more like stress-relief, some may even develop clothes shopping addictions ... but if they have outlets for their expression, most will not transition. And they will continue to be attracted to women despite all the fantasies we read on this forum. :p

[MatildaJ.]

The number of transsexuals getting SRS is on the increase, but that's because there are more and more doctors performing the procedure, the cost is relatively low now because the technique has been perfected, resources on the internet are mushrooming, and we have TSs who have been suppressed for years, who are now coming out all at once. The baby boomers and the generation slightly after them. But I expect the number of transitions will stabilize once everything is caught up... If they have outlets for their expression, most will not transition. And they will continue to be attracted to women despite all the fantasies we read on this forum. :p

Ok, that's actually fairly persuasive. Thanks for sticking with me and elaborating on your thoughts. I appreciate the dose of optimism!

[MysticLady]

Where's Mango??

[mango]

heya! Im here!! Yea so I was a little freaked out when people started mentioned transsexuals. In fact, it is one of my biggest fears. However, having spoken to Tom (and yes i know we cannot predict the future) but he has assured me he would not want to give up being a man. He said he enjoys being a man too much. Of course, when i first found out I thought CD meant "OMG IS HE GAY?!" I realise now, i did have a lot of preconceptions about CD. Some that i still have to banish though!

I appreciate what lauren h.100 said about being careful about setting boundaries. She has a point- how to set boundaries when we are both new to this. Neither of us has dealt with CD in a relationship before (Ive never met a CD before and Tom hadnt told his previous partners) So as opposed to setting boundaries, Id imagine we will have open and frank discussion about CD and kinda figure out as we go along, what we're both comfortable with.

Im lucky that Tom has been so honest with me and in return, I am completely honest to him about how I feel also. I would never "ban" Tom from doing anything as I believe that is unconducive to a persons emotional and mental well-being. However, there are many things that I am not comfortable with Tom doing e.g. going out in public while CDing, seeing him dressed up etc. Bear in mind, this is still quite new to me so as I become more open to the idea, these opinions may change.

Also, someone mentioned if I had not know about Tom CDing and he shaved himself, would I still be unhappy with it? YES. I love Tom's masculinity and I love nothing more than resting my head upon his beautiful soft hairy chest. So it probably wouldnt have made a difference. But the legs, I may get over! ERYN suggested that Id never experienced Tom while smooth only scratchy. Now that is a good point! I may ask Tom to give the oul leg shaving another go and see how we get on with it. It will grow back i suppose. But the chest would be a no no for me.

Thanks again for all your support!! xxxx

[MysticLady]

Good Job. I'm very happy for you and Tom on this. What a new and wonderful venture you both have started, because of your willingness to accept it w/o understanding it. Kudos to you (Sweet Fruit).

[Stacy L]

. I love Tom's masculinity and I love nothing more than resting my head upon his beautiful soft hairy chest.

Thanks again for all your support!! xxxx

Mango, if Tom has that much chest hair, he won't need a padded bra.:lol:



Well. I thought it was funny!:o

[giuseppina]

Hello Mango

Your BF should thank you that you investigated CDing rather than break off the relationship. IMHO this not a very good reason to end a relationship, but I think it's fair to say that most of us here are biased.

If you're into reading scholarly journal articles, I found this one a few years ago for another SO. It is entitled "Surprise! Men Who Cross-Dress Are Similar to Men Who Don't. It can be found with your favourite search engine. Unfortuneately, payment is required to read more than the abstract.

I agree with most of the advice above.

There is a long closed thread in the Loved Ones section that may help when things aren`t going so well with the crossdressing:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t

One thing I don`t remember seeing is asking your BF to open an account here.

It gives hope to those of us who don`t have a SO and those whose SO doesn`t like the CDing to read your story.

[Julie York]

Mango, if Tom has that much chest hair, he won't need a padded bra.:lol:



Well. I thought it was funny!:o

Me too. He could shave it into little mounds.:)
Best of both worlds.
And with a little hair gel you could adjust cup size.

[UNDERDRESSER]

heya! Im here!! Yea so I was a little freaked out when people started mentioned transsexuals. In fact, it is one of my biggest fears. However, having spoken to Tom (and yes i know we cannot predict the future) but he has assured me he would not want to give up being a man. He said he enjoys being a man too much. Of course, when i first found out I thought CD meant "OMG IS HE GAY?!" I realise now, i did have a lot of preconceptions about CD. Some that i still have to banish though! That's OK, it takes a while to wrap your head around the idea that gender isn't binary. By that, I mean your biological sex, ( do you have boy bits or girl bits ) Your orientation, ( do you like girls or boys ) What do you think you are, ( do you feel you're a boy or girl ) Your preferred gender display or gender performance, ( how do you want to dress, your mannerisms, behaviour ) Are all independent. Any permutation, or blends, are possible. Being one, does not mean the others are all aligned. One can like beer and football, but still like to dress sleek and sexy.


I appreciate what lauren h.100 said about being careful about setting boundaries. She has a point- how to set boundaries when we are both new to this. Neither of us has dealt with CD in a relationship before (Ive never met a CD before and Tom hadnt told his previous partners) So as opposed to setting boundaries, Id imagine we will have open and frank discussion about CD and kinda figure out as we go along, what we're both comfortable with.

Im lucky that Tom has been so honest with me and in return, I am completely honest to him about how I feel also. I would never "ban" Tom from doing anything as I believe that is unconducive to a persons emotional and mental well-being. However, there are many things that I am not comfortable with Tom doing e.g. going out in public while CDing, seeing him dressed up etc. Bear in mind, this is still quite new to me so as I become more open to the idea, these opinions may change.

Also, someone mentioned if I had not know about Tom CDing and he shaved himself, would I still be unhappy with it? YES. I love Tom's masculinity and I love nothing more than resting my head upon his beautiful soft hairy chest. So it probably wouldnt have made a difference. But the legs, I may get over! ERYN suggested that Id never experienced Tom while smooth only scratchy. Now that is a good point! I may ask Tom to give the oul leg shaving another go and see how we get on with it. It will grow back i suppose. But the chest would be a no no for me.

Thanks again for all your support!! xxxxMy GF is quite OK with me shaving, though if I want to get close, I'd better not have any stubble! She did ask me to keep the hair on my upper chest as well, though if I did want to experiment with a full transformation, and wanted to show some cleavage, she would let me take it off for the trial. What with the clean shaven face, and the fact that I shave my head as well, ( classic male pattern baldness came early, and now what's left is pretty grey, shaving drops 15 years off me! ) I spend a LOT more time shaving than she does! If Tom does keep up the shaving, he'll be hogging more of the bathroom time, be prepared!

[mango]

thanks again for all your stories, help and advice! xxx

[Danielle19]

Up until the 6th paragraph of the first post I could've sworn that OP was my girlfriend. What was described is EXACTLY what happened with my girlfriend. Lol

[Dani Lee]

Hi Mango.

Maybe it was asked already, but have you or tom picked a femme name?

My wife and I found this really helpful. The best part for me was i had written down three names i liked but didn't show her the names. I just asked her what she thought would be a good name. She thought about it for a few seconds and said "Daniella". That was the #1 name I had written down, i took it as a good sign.

Whatever name is picked, i hope we can welcome her to the forums soon if not already a member.