Riding the Roller-coaster / A Disappointing Night

[Bree Wagner]

Disappointing night last night. I had long standing plans to go out with my wife to meet another couple who are in almost identical circumstances to us. We each have 5 and 1 year old daughters, are right about the same age, and live fairly close to one another. I though it would have been very valuable for her to find another wife to talk to in that kind of situation and she would have had a great time. She got cold feet for a variety of reasons at the very last moment and we had to cancel.

First, she couldn't handle me dressing up. Then, when I offered to not dress she said that wouldn't be fair to the other couple. Lots of back and forth ensued, she cried, needed time, and cried again. She's trying, but the roller coaster can be a tough ride. This was all after she had gone out with me dressed just two weeks ago by her own choice.

Hopefully, by cancelling on them we didn't ruin any chance of doing it again in the future. I still think it'll be a good time if we can get to it. My wife often plays out the worst case scenario of how a night can go in her head over and over again, but if we actually get there usually has a far better time than expected.

Sigh. The ups and downs of life.

We ended up going to dinner and a movie alone since we already had a babysitter lined up. On the positive side "We're The Millers" was a much funnier movie than expected.

Moving on...

Tonight should be fun. I get to go out and see (and hear) our esteemed Lori Leah perform and probably see plenty of friends after the kids head to bed. :)

[MatildaJ.]

If the wife of the other couple is sympathetic to your wife's situation, maybe the two of them can go out to coffee together? Or the two of them can go for a walk with the 1 year olds (who won't understand the conversation), while you and the other spouse take care of the 5 year olds. It just seems like it would be more fun for the wives to get to know each other without their spouses along.

To be honest, if your wife is still going through an emotional roller coaster and crying, it seems over-optimistic to plan an event that involves you dressing AND her being expected to make conversation with an unfamiliar couple. To me those would both be challenging situations, and it makes more sense during these roller coaster days to try to keep the stressors to a minimum.

[tiffanyjo89]

I'm with Jess here, let her and the other wife get together over coffee and talk about things as just two girls. All of you go out for the day, but you get to have a day to yourself, while she gets to speak with a woman who shares many of the same stresses in life as her and can fully understand her "issues" with your dressing.

After both wives meet, if your wife still has issues, but is okay with the idea, and the other husband and wife is fine with it, maybe she can arrange a coffee date with all four of y'all in a non-dressed scenario. Let her see that, for the most part, crossdressers can still be normal guys. Perhaps somee of the biggest stresses I can think of for a woman in a relationship with a CDer is that of "Is he hiding being gay? Does he not love me enough? Am I not enough woman for him?" and other stuff related to the thought of "Is he less of a man?" It's for those reasons that I feel anyone who reveals to their wife they are a CDer shouldn't be surprised when they get divorced. It's something that changes the dynamic of the relationship. Revealing it before marriage allows for the other party to move at their own pace and allows you to help them develop an understanding of it without the stresses of marriage piled on top.

[GaleWarning]

The way I would suggest that you handle it would be to invite the other couple (and their kids) to your place en-drab and get to know one another first in "normal" circumstances.

The boundaries can be stretched once you know each other better and have built up a level of trust and understanding.

[gatorgirl]

I agree with Jess and Gale...whichever your wife would be most comfortable doing. As I'm finding out, it's sometimes one step forward, two steps back...Glad she has someone to share her feelings with on this journey.

[Mimi]

Eryn and I are good friends with another couple who are similar to us. The first time I met them, Eryn was in male mode, so I was more comfortable. I knew in advance that the husband in the couple would be presenting as the femme self, and she was completely comfortable with me meeting them with her dressed, but my husband in male mode. We met at a restaurant for dinner, and although I was nervous about meeting a new couple (I'm very shy), and nervous about where all this would lead, it was a very nice evening, and we have gone on to become very close friends.

I would suggest either the wife meets the other wife so they can talk frankly to one another (and the other wife might really treasure this chance), or discuss with the couple if it would be okay to stay in male mode (either both of you or just you) for this first meeting. I think it is so valuable to have friends in person who have this situation in common--it's valuable for you to have another CDer to talk to and be friends with, and for you wife to be friends with another wife.

[AmyGaleRT]

Bree, I'm bummed that it didn't work out for you! Hopefully tonight will be better for you.

Sabrina was thinking about coming along tonight, but ultimately decided not to. Not because she can't handle me dressed as Amy (she and I have been out in public together as two ladies before), but because she might have to do an awful lot of walking to get to the Black Crown (you know how far away you often have to park there!), and she might not be able to handle that. Plus the weed pollen count is high, not good for her asthma!

- Amy

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Bree, Just when you think that you have it all figured out you hit one of life's Pot Holes.

[MissTee]

Hate that it did not work out for you and the wife. As the others have said, it sounds like just too much "new" for her to process.

[AmyGaleRT]

Well, I think we made up for it tonight! Lori, along with Michael, Ashley, and Patrice, gave a really great performance, and I can't wait for the next one!

Here's our very own Lori as chanteuse:
209001

And Bree, doing much better than yesterday!
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And, of course, Yours Truly, wearing my new dress! :)
209003

- Amy

[Beverley Sims]

Bree,
I do like Jess's suggestion, in post#2.
There is a bit of get to know each other first without dressing first.
The apprehension of the unknown does put strains on the idea.
meeting on common ground and discussing it can be easier than what you originally intended.
As we know slowly does it.
All the best, you do well with your confidence but you maybe need to build up more confidence with your wife.
Some more excursions out together would help.
I do mean four or five so as it becomes an every day occurrence.

[kimdl93]

No advice to offer. Glad the two of you were able to enjoy a movie.

[Di]

Sorry to hear......but agree maybe the two wives meet for coffee or even just talk on the phone. That way it all does not feel new and scary to her.And let them plan a get together.:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[CarlaWestin]

IMO, Maybe a phone call with, "let's still go out but, we're just not in the mood for fabulous tonight, OK?"

[Bree Wagner]

As the others have said, it sounds like just too much "new" for her to process.

This is one of the things that makes it tougher for me to deal with. It's not new. We've done this before. We'd been to the same place (with me dressed) by ourselves and to meet another couple before. Both times my wife said she had a much better time than anticipated.


If the wife of the other couple is sympathetic to your wife's situation, maybe the two of them can go out to coffee together? Or the two of them can go for a walk with the 1 year olds (who won't understand the conversation), while you and the other spouse take care of the 5 year olds. It just seems like it would be more fun for the wives to get to know each other without their spouses along.


I'd love it if she'd be interested in doing these things! The challenge is that she often seems even less interested in meeting other wives in similar situations than with meeting a couple or just other crossdressers. She's been out with me dressed to meet another friend of mine and we've had another friend (and a couple) over for dinner with me dressed and not dressed.

Even though she often complains that she has no one to talk to about this part of our relationship she turns down opportunities to find people to talk with. I'm kind of damned if I do and damned if I don't in this situation.


I'm with Jess here, let her and the other wife get together over coffee and talk about things as just two girls.

Revealing it before marriage allows for the other party to move at their own pace and allows you to help them develop an understanding of it without the stresses of marriage piled on top.

Heh, I wish they would! The other note is a bit of a side track but I told my wife about this no more than a month into when we started dating. We've been together for 14 years and married for 10.


The way I would suggest that you handle it would be to invite the other couple (and their kids) to your place en-drab and get to know one another first in "normal" circumstances.

The boundaries can be stretched once you know each other better and have built up a level of trust and understanding.

I'm going to try suggesting this. I sure hope it works, but it all depends on how my wife is feeling that day and she can be tough to read. It's no wonder I ride the roller-coaster!


... or discuss with the couple if it would be okay to stay in male mode (either both of you or just you) for this first meeting. I think it is so valuable to have friends in person who have this situation in common--it's valuable for you to have another CDer to talk to and be friends with, and for you wife to be friends with another wife.

I offered to stay in male mode, and the other couple said that would be fine but my wife was 'convinced' that would make them to uncomfortable. To me it was just a deflection because she just really didn't want to go at all.

I've got quite a few good friends and am very happy with that. In fact, the CD half of this other couple and I have been out twice before and had a great time. I wish my wife could find this too.

Overall, my wife's long term trajectory in coping and accepting my crossdressing is up, but that comes with some very significant variation along the way depending on what's affecting her at the time. Me, the kids, her mother, her friends... a bad day with any of them, or just a bad day in general can really throw things off to the point where stuff that was perfectly OK in the past is now off the table.

I love her dearly, and we're still in a great place. We'll work through it. I'm a very lucky person for all the support and love she has given me, but I'm also a bit of a whiner. :facepalm: Thanks for letting me whine at all of you.


Well, I think we made up for it tonight! Lori, along with Michael, Ashley, and Patrice, gave a really great performance, and I can't wait for the next one!

- Amy

Yeah, Amy it was definitely fun and Lori was fantastic. Before I headed out the door my wife even commented that she liked the way I had done my makeup and helped endure I was moderately well put together. I've still got plenty of smiles to share with the world!

http://farm6.staticflickr.com/5328/9536716521_39aee88d85.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/breewagner/9536716521/)
The Mom Mobile (http://www.flickr.com/photos/breewagner/9536716521/) by Bree Wagner (http://www.flickr.com/people/breewagner/), on Flickr

[Tracii G]

You sure looked nice Bree.

[Sarah Beth]

You girls all look so nice, and looks like you had a great time. I am jealous, I keep wondering if it would be worth that four hour drive to Denver to try that just one time.

[JamieG]

Sorry to hear that, Bree. This might be just a case of "now I like it, now I don't" as the famous SO thread goes. I agree that it might be best to meet the couple in drab first. My wife first met a few couples at a drab Christmas party thrown by a fellow CDer. She happened to hit it off really well with one of the spouses, and the rest is history. Now we are part of a regular dinner party group with four couples, each including a CDer. However, we always meet in drab, although CDing always works it way into the conversation one way or another. In fact, my wife has never met any of the femme selves of the CDers, although she's seen pictures. I think this make it easier for her to accept. One final thing: don't assume that she'll want to be friends with every CD couple you meet.

[Rogina B]

I would suggest either the wife meets the other wife so they can talk frankly to one another (and the other wife might really treasure this chance), or discuss with the couple if it would be okay to stay in male mode (either both of you or just you) for this first meeting. I think it is so valuable to have friends in person who have this situation in common--it's valuable for you to have another CDer to talk to and be friends with, and for you wife to be friends with another wife. Many wives don't care to be open to strangers and share that they have a partner that is "different". This is the underlying success to TRIESS,in that they promote this type of dialogue..doesn't happen easily on it's own..

[SophieKitty]

Reading all of this I'm glad I'm starting out as I can try and find someone straight off who will accept me and maybe even be someone like me. Therefore all these complications and misunderstandings will hopefully be non-existent. Maybe join a dating site and explicitly state that I'm bi-gendered. As it just sounds like too much to handle emotionally for me if I were to discover who I am now and still be engaged to my girlfriend at the time. I hope things turn out well for you :) xxxx

[Lorileah]

Well, I think we made up for it tonight! Lori, along with Michael, Ashley, and Patrice, gave a really great performance, and I can't wait for the next one!



Hmm..two beautiful women and then.. Me :) Thank you Amy and Bree:bmnd: