I would like to come out and tell a friend...a bit lengthy but would love feedback

[michelle33]

When I woke up this AM, I immediately thought of the day ahead and having undress from my nightwear, pack away my breast forms and go out and meet people, run errands and do stuff. I lay in bed for a while - quite a while actually and thought about my predicament.

I've a close girl friend (we've been friends since I was 18 (am now 37) who is actually married to a good friend of mine. She's a great girl in many ways (and very attractive and extremely fashion conscious and on-it with clothes, make up, jewellery etc.) Anyway, I really want to tell her about Michelle for the following reasons:

I want to be able to me with someone else who isn't a guy (read: casual encounter)
I'd love to have someone to talk to and go for coffee/drinks with
She's uber chic and fashionable and would love to go shopping with her and hang together as girls
I think she will be very understanding but it could obviously go the other way and she may think I'm a freak
But ultimately, I want that closeness with a real girl who I can be me with
Also, while I am still a closet 'girl' at the moment, I really feel my direction and future is already written and think it's only a matter of time before I transition (time range within the next 5 years just to be clear)

The cons are that she reacts badly, tells her husband whom I'm good friends with and then I'm cooked!

So I had the following in mind. Write her an email from my Michelle email address along the following lines (about a post I wrote on this forum) and see how she responds:

Telling my Friend about Michelle -

So I've decided I really want to share my secret about my other side, i.e. liking to dress as a woman with a girl I know. This is scary on many levels as I've never told anyone and am terrified but she's a sweetheart, a really good person and everyone loves her and trusts her, but I am still terrified. But the more I've thought about it, the more I want to tell her. She's also really fashionable and always looks fab and I love the idea of going shopping with her for clothes and spending time with her as me being me, i.e Michelle. She has no idea and this will come as a big shock to her but as I said, she's an amazing person and I am pretty sure she will keep my trust and be there for me.What do you guys think?


I wrote the above on a forum to get feedback about sending you this mail.

Would love to get your feedback on this. Thanks to all in advance.

Michelle

x

[Tina B.]

Sorry to be the first one to say, I think it's a bad idea.
First off I get the impression, you think you can tell her, go shopping and have coffee, girl to girl, and you don't think her husband is going to know, I don't think so, so now it comes how will they take it, and will he let her have a girl friend with a penis. Of course you know your friend, I don't, but husband and wives share things.

[Sabrina133]

Hi Michelle, First, welcome to the forum. This is a place where questions can be asked and answered in a safe way so no worries about asking any questions. When i see that someone wants to tell somebody about their dressing - other than an SO, I ask Why do you feel compelled to tell anyone? Understand that i am out and have been for 6 yeasr so i know am the pot calling the kettle black. I think there are questions that you need to ask yourself - what is the advantage to telling, what is the downside. Am i ready for this person to tell someone else (always a huge risk that you have to be prepared to face). Will that person accept me or not. If that person doesn't, can i live without him/her as a friend. You say your friend is married - will she tell her husband - probably. What will his reaction be?

I think you'll find about 50 % of the girls in here will advise you to tell while the remaining will tell you not to. Am not telling you either way - just that you need to evaluate the potential result.

If you choose to tell her - i wish you the very best of luck.

Hugs
Bree

[stephene513]

I agree with tina, think the boy in you has a fling for her and trying to use the girl in you to try.to get her.

[michelle33]

Sabrina,

Thanks for the response. Absolutely she may tell her husband but I told her something significant in the past and she didn't tell him! I actually introduced both of them way back when and I'm very close to her. What do I get out of it - a weight off my shoulders. I need to have someone as a soulmate and if this works, she would be fantastic. Plus if you saw what I am suggesting it's a pretty anonymous email to her from my Michelle email - so worst, worst case scenario she'll have suspicions about one of her guy friends. If she responds to the mail, great, but it's not from me (man-me that is).

[michelle33]

Not at all - couldn't be further from the truth. I've been away with her for weekends and nights here and there, have stayed in her house while hubby is away and he knew I was there (am a good friend of his too) - nope, we're just very good friends. Nothing like what you suggest at play at all here.

[Julie Bender]

You wi need to take in the whole picture.
First off you have known her your whole life . There's no way she hasn't caught hints/clues.
So she will probably be shocked but not surprised.
However like Tina said. Couples talk.
You have known her spouse for years also.
The hints/clues ARE there over the years.
How open minded is he? What sort of things are boundaries for him?
Will you be able to cross those boundaries and retain a friendship/trust?
Who will he also tell?
Just as couples talk
So also do friends and THIS story is too good not to tell...
How far "out" do you want to go?

[michelle33]

Julie,

Thanks for reading my post and all your points above are very valid. Can I ask you this though - if I send the following note to her from my Michelle email - is it not a great way of testing the water? As it's clearly not from masculine me, it's not attributable to me and I will be able to gage her reaction from her response/non-response:

Telling my Friend about Michelle -

So I've decided I really want to share my secret about my other side, i.e. liking to dress as a woman with a girl I know. This is scary on many levels as I've never told anyone and am terrified but she's a sweetheart, a really good person and everyone loves her and trusts her, but I am still terrified. But the more I've thought about it, the more I want to tell her. She's also really fashionable and always looks fab and I love the idea of going shopping with her for clothes and spending time with her as me being me, i.e Michelle. She has no idea and this will come as a big shock to her but as I said, she's an amazing person and I am pretty sure she will keep my trust and be there for me.What do you guys think?


I wrote the above on a forum to get feedback about sending you this mail.

[Julie Bender]

Sabrina,

Thanks for the response. Absolutely she may tell her husband but I told her something significant in the past and she didn't tell him! I actually introduced both of them way back when and I'm very close to her. What do I get out of it - a weight off my shoulders. I need to have someone as a soulmate and if this works, she would be fantastic. Plus if you saw what I am suggesting it's a pretty anonymous email to her from my Michelle email - so worst, worst case scenario she'll have suspicions about one of her guy friends. If she responds to the mail, great, but it's not from me (man-me that is).

Being evasive is likely to do further damage.
Friends can tell each other stuff. I think if you gonna do it DO it honestly
If it all come out in the future she could easily be more hurt that you didn't just talk it out...ya know what I mean?

[stephene513]

Not at all - couldn't be further from the truth. I've been away with her for weekends and nights here and there, have stayed in her house while hubby is away and he knew I was there (am a good friend of his too) - nope, we're just very good friends. Nothing like what you suggest at play at all here.

Ok I know exactly what type of friendship you have with her, may as well tell her or show her. I think she already knows..

[michelle33]

I wish I agreed with you but I don't think she does. In the past, I've been with a few of her girlfriends. I've never shown any signs of the real me with her/them.

[michelle33]

real me, being Michelle that is.

[Wildaboutheels]

BAD IDEA.

Unless of course, you are willing to take the CHANCE that you might lose not one but TWO friends.

NO one can predict how others will react. What if only one "accepts" and the other does not and it manages to drive a wedge between THEM?

Yes you MIGHT get 2 thumbs up. OR lose both.

Is it worth the risk?

[MatildaJ.]

is it not a great way of testing the water? As it's clearly not from masculine me, it's not attributable to me and I will be able to gage her reaction from her response/non-response:

Seems like you have to worry that her response may change over time. She may write back very supportively, out of curiosity and because she wants to be supportive. But once she knows that it's you and her feelings have time to adjust, she'll probably talk to her husband about you. Or she'll let it slip in a joke to you, and he'll catch on. Alternatively, if she doesn't write back, she's still going to wonder. Maybe she'll put this email together with a few other things you've mentioned over the years, and she'll figure out who send the email.

Since you're going to transition anyway, I think you should wait until you feel comfortable with both of them knowing, and then just tell them together.

[Nikki A.]

I was in the same situation as you, I have a co-worker friend that I was friends with her and her husband and his family. I did come out to her and she accepted it as did her husband and his family.
While I've never been out with her alone dressed, I have been to a wedding with the family and me, she and her mother-in law have been out to dinner and I've been to their house dressed quite often. Can it work? Yes
Now there is always that risk, will your friend be accepting, will her husband and if things don't go well are you willing to lose them and will you risk that others may find out. If you e-mail her, how many males have her email address, will she be able to narrow it down? Tough call but if its important to you, you need to decide.

[Senneca]

I think you need to figure it out how it will make her feel about you. If she and her husband are good friends as you say, then it won't matter to them. Do they or have you heard or seen them making fun of or dislike CD, TG, TS people? This and a lot of other things are what YOU need to consider BEFORE you say or do anything.

I think you should not send an email if you chose to tell her. If that is the case, then just tell her face to face. If I was in her shoes, I would rather someone tell me something like this to my face, rather then through an anonymous email and me trying to figure out who sent this, and is it a joke.

Either way, whether you choose to tell her or not, and it is a choice you will make, you need to be prepared to lose the friendship from both of them. I wish you the best of luck in whatever road you take in this endeavor.

[Kelly Smith]

This is a public forum. If any part of that note is googled, your post will pop up.

[Ineke Vashon]

Since you are long time friends a quiet tete a tete over coffee in a comfortable place would seem to be nicer than a sudden email. Over coffee you can test the waters little by little like: "what do you think or know about crossdressing?" Or a question like: "would you find it strange if I commented on a dress or a lipstick color?" Just putting a toe in the water to check the temperature before jumping in. And see what reaction you get. Just my thought.

Ineke

[Miriam-J]

You speak about her many fine attributes Michelle, but not about her openness to various lifestyles. If you don't know how open she is to other lifestyles, I'd try to first sound her out on that as a third party topic - perhaps referencing some people you both know or something you saw in the media. If you establish that's open to those lifestyles, or even quite accepting, then you can go ahead and discuss your own lifestyle with her. But I would definitely do this in person so that you can use all the tools available to you, especially body language, read her reactions, and give her an opportunity for give and take with you about it. Also, as others have said, you must be willing to give her the freedom to share with her husband - the one who has a right to be her closest confidante.

I wish you well.

Miriam

[Sister Rachel]

This ties in with a lot of stuff I've been going through recently .. I've been "out" to my wife for a good few years now, but recently I've come out to more people, initially just close and long-standing female friends, but once the cat's out of the bag she travels!

My advice, for what it's worth, is to 'fess up to your good friend .. but don't expect the trips to the coffee shop or the dress shop to follow any time soon! You may find that she says " fine, lovely, it's no big deal", which at first feels great .. but then you realise that at some level, you want it to be a big deal?

Good luck with it all, whatever :hugs:

[michelle33]

Yep, perhaps she does narrow it down but nothing is said until it's said?


I was in the same situation as you, I have a co-worker friend that I was friends with her and her husband and his family. I did come out to her and she accepted it as did her husband and his family.
While I've never been out with her alone dressed, I have been to a wedding with the family and me, she and her mother-in law have been out to dinner and I've been to their house dressed quite often. Can it work? Yes
Now there is always that risk, will your friend be accepting, will her husband and if things don't go well are you willing to lose them and will you risk that others may find out. If you e-mail her, how many males have her email address, will she be able to narrow it down? Tough call but if its important to you, you need to decide.

[michelle33]

face to face is very scary, hence the elaborate email path. I agree with everything you've said though and thanks for reading and responding.
M

[michelle33]

I like this idea. Thanks Miriam.


You speak about her many fine attributes Michelle, but not about her openness to various lifestyles. If you don't know how open she is to other lifestyles, I'd try to first sound her out on that as a third party topic - perhaps referencing some people you both know or something you saw in the media. If you establish that's open to those lifestyles, or even quite accepting, then you can go ahead and discuss your own lifestyle with her. But I would definitely do this in person so that you can use all the tools available to you, especially body language, read her reactions, and give her an opportunity for give and take with you about it. Also, as others have said, you must be willing to give her the freedom to share with her husband - the one who has a right to be her closest confidante.

I wish you well.

Miriam

[michelle33]

I met her yesterday actually - just bumped into her and commented on her clothes and her necklace. She looked fab. So perhaps this is a way to go also. M


Since you are long time friends a quiet tete a tete over coffee in a comfortable place would seem to be nicer than a sudden email. Over coffee you can test the waters little by little like: "what do you think or know about crossdressing?" Or a question like: "would you find it strange if I commented on a dress or a lipstick color?" Just putting a toe in the water to check the temperature before jumping in. And see what reaction you get. Just my thought.

Ineke

[michelle33]

wow! just googled the subject line - number three listing. Yowzer!!!!!!!!


This is a public forum. If any part of that note is googled, your post will pop up.

[stephene513]

I wish I agreed with you but I don't think she does. In the past, I've been with a few of her girlfriends. I've never shown any signs of the real me with her/them.

It dont matter I was phony and married a stripper as a 2nd wife close girls "as friends" always knows.

[michelle33]

I hope she does! It would make things a lot easier.


It dont matter I was phony and married a stripper as a 2nd wife close girls "as friends" always knows.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michelle, Be careful what you wish for I don't see how this can end well unless it's a friend with benefits.

[michelle33]

I'm only into men so the friends with benefits bit doesn't apply. Thanks for responding. Getting great feedback here. Love this community.


Hi Michelle, Be careful what you wish for I don't see how this can end well unless it's a friend with benefits.

[kimdl93]

I lean against telling this woman. You're close to her husband and would expect her to keep a secret from him. Not cool.

[michelle33]

Very fair point!


I lean against telling this woman. You're close to her husband and would expect her to keep a secret from him. Not cool.

[Megan Thomas]

FWIW, if you tell either of them I suggest it's the husband first. If you tell her first he might come to resent you if/when she tells him (as wives tend to do). I'd approach him along the lines of telling him and then seeking his approval to involve his wife in your activities.

[Julie Gaum]

Very uncomfortable and unaccepting of your real/true motives even though you really believe in what you're writing. Where do you think it will really end? As a soulmate? As a girlfriend? Possibly yes after you have transitioned and at that time they both have accepted Michelle. You have been with her alone and she has been a good friend and down the road they can be again. I don't make suggestions as one who has transitioned but I wish that a member who is already into either the initial stages or is post op would give you a few clues as to what to expect in the sense that you will have a full plate for the next few years without needing to lose friendships you would cultivate when most needed as Michelle. In summary: IMO a lousy idea during the time you should be planning for your future life.
Julie

[Beverley Sims]

Keep your married friend as a friend and do not destroy a relationship built up over time.
If you are single go out and meet someone with like interests.
If like the rest of us you are already in a relationship share this with your SO.

[michelle33]

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I've reflected on all your views along with my own thoughts and I am not going to 'reveal' myself to my good friend. The collective power of this community is pretty awesome and I am proud and honoured to be part of it.

Thanks again

M

[Tracii G]

Why try to deceive her in any way? Seems like a way for you to deny it if she gets pissed and suspects you did it.Yes she can figure out your IP address and pretty much know you sent the email.
IMO your are going to piss off her husband in a big way and lose two friends by doing this.I don't care how much you say all you want is a GF to shop and talk with the husband isn't going to see it that way.
If you HAVE to tell her man up and tell her don't be a puss.

[Kelly DeWinter]

This reminds me of a big convoluted lie, that will one day unravel on you, a lot of pees here have given you good advice, if you are going to come out to your friend , just do it, she WILL tell her husband no matter how you do it. You can't be certian she would keep something like this from her husband. And why would you want her to lie to her husband anyway ?