How Familiar You Are

[LeaP]

As I meet and speak to more and more trans women, I'm struck by the familiarity and instant connection I have with them. I am one who has had very few close friends through my life. 2, 3, 4? And even these were limited in some way. Common interests, topics ... whatever. But always the conscious sense of a limit beyond which they could not pass, and a sense of projecting something false in myself.

But in the space of a year or so, with other trans women - INSTANT connection. The relationships vary. The level of friendship varies. But there is this connection that bypasses all my normal barriers. The experience is more than interesting - I'm noticing that it's freeing me somehow.

Who knew that NOT being unique could be so reassuring?

[Angela Campbell]

You are alone with something for so long, always hiding it and then one day you meet people who actually understand. Yeah I know this feeling well. I have more friends now than I ever hoped to find. What bothers me is I hid for so long when this was out there all the time.

Personally I am shocked at how many trans people there are.

[Jorja]

Personally I am shocked at how many trans people there are.

If they could get a true count, the number would scare you. If we could quit nagging each other long enough, we could really change things in this world simply by numbers alone.

[LeaP]

...If we could quit nagging each other...

Jorga, you crack me up!

[Marleena]

Yes I've noticed it too Lea. We share a common bond. We've seen numerous times here where TS members come to each other's defense.

Just today I had a wonderful PM from a member here who noticed I was being a bit down on myself. She made my day by just showing that she cared enough to cheer me up.:)

[dreamer_2.0]

It does help that we're all members of the secret girls only club, too. :)

[LeaP]

It has nothing to do with secrets. Most of the people I was referring to have transitioned. *I* am in transition. This has to do with -connection-. It provides validation and shows that living in the real world is not only possible, but good. These women are like me, know me, and show me that a normal life is possible. There is no substitute for this.

[gonegirl]

+1 on that one, Lea.

Nearly a year ago I went on my first group "MTF transgender" evening out. We went to a club, then had dinner, then hit a trendy bar in SF. I'd never met anyone from the group IRL, only online. (CD.com, actually). They were all great people, really genuine, friendly, and welcoming of me. Half the group happened to be transitioned transexuals and the other half were cross dressers. I didnt know what the heck I was at that stage.

By the end of dinner I realized that I didn't identify with the CDs at all. I couldn't understand how anyone could be OK in life by dressing up every weekend in chicks gear and socializing, then being a dude again until the next weekend. They sure had a lot of fun, but it felt akin to some cruel torture if I put myself in their shoes (high heels, actually).

The transitioned transsexuals on the other hand, I very much connected with. Our backgrounds and home life were very different, but I could totally understand and relate to them. That first encounter with others on the transgender spectrum was a defining moment for me. Thats when I began to understand who I was. Shortly after, I knew that I was transsexual and I began to rediscover my truthful identity.

Last Friday I hit SF with some girl friends, all transitioned and living their lives. Most of these women I had never met, but I immediately felt universal compassion and acceptance. We were sisters. The common thing that was at some point mentioned in every conversation I had with those women was that nobody can understand what this is, unless you are living it.

Sincerely,
Simone.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Dreamer. I doubt very much that our FtM brethren would agree with you that this is a girls-only club.

[Angela Campbell]

It has nothing to do with secrets. .

Actually it has to do with stopping the secrets. It was the secrets that caused so much pain and discomfort and kept us from being who we really are. We have to expose the secret to finally be free. It is about commonality and sharing of experience. And a lot of that experience is exposure.

It is about understanding. S1m0ne said "that nobody can understand what this is, unless you are living it." and this is the key part. Others may be supportive, others may accept, but there is a connection to the only people in the world who Understand.

[Sara Jessica]

Nearly a year ago I went on my first group "MTF transgender" evening out. We went to a club, then had dinner, then hit a trendy bar in SF. I'd never met anyone from the group IRL, only online. (CD.com, actually). They were all great people, really genuine, friendly, and welcoming of me. Half the group happened to be transitioned transexuals and the other half were cross dressers. I didnt know what the heck I was at that stage.

By the end of dinner I realized that I didn't identify with the CDs at all. I couldn't understand how anyone could be OK in life by dressing up every weekend in chicks gear and socializing, then being a dude again until the next weekend. They sure had a lot of fun, but it felt akin to some cruel torture if I put myself in their shoes (high heels, actually).

The transitioned transsexuals on the other hand, I very much connected with. Our backgrounds and home life were very different, but I could totally understand and relate to them. That first encounter with others on the transgender spectrum was a defining moment for me. Thats when I began to understand who I was. Shortly after, I knew that I was transsexual and I began to rediscover my truthful identity.

Last Friday I hit SF with some girl friends, all transitioned and living their lives. Most of these women I had never met, but I immediately felt universal compassion and acceptance. We were sisters. The common thing that was at some point mentioned in every conversation I had with those women was that nobody can understand what this is, unless you are living it.

This runs completely counter to my personal experience. I've been going out & about for over 25 years and I have made fantastic friendships from all across the TG spectrum, crossdresser to transitioned women and everywhere in between. My ability to relate to people is not filtered through a label. In fact, my deepest personal connection was to a woman in progress. When all was said and done, I wanted what she had and she wanted what I had which just shows the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

However, paraphrasing something said by my dear friend Erica, just because someone is trans (trans-whatever) doesn't necessarily mean we will automatically relate to one another, kind of speaks to what you are saying Simone in a roundabout way. Still, it seems really dismissive to automatically exclude a segment of the human population just because you don't get where they're coming from in the trans-continuum.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I don't beleive it's not dismissive of anyone to say you connected better with a person
that being said, simone expressed it in a pretty condescending and dismissive way which is disappointing and does not reflect how I feel about it..

I know 90% cd's in my experience with transsexuals and crossdressers(including gender queer people like my best best friend)... obviously I like them a lot, they are my friends!! and still are!!

However, I did have the same experience as simone when I met transsexual women for the first time....I didn't expect it. I KNEW I was like them almost instantly...I left that dinner in a whirlwind of emotions..not because I envied them (I did), but because I KNEW for the very first time what I really was...I experienced two hours with women that had been born genetically male...for whatever reason, I just knew the difference...it was instinct

... I think its possible that Sara you are reacting to simone's comment instead of lea's point...

If you have not felt this connection, then that's for you to decide what that means...but to me it means that you are not experiencing your life the same way I have, the same way lea is...we learned(are learning) there is NO trans-continuum that extends all the way to transsexual...

The trans continuum is a luxury of crossdressers and gender queer people. They get to use words and labels to make them feel better. I wish I had that luxury but its not my nature
Meeting people that get that in a primal way is what this thread is about...

[Angela Campbell]

However, paraphrasing something said by my dear friend Erica, just because someone is trans (trans-whatever) doesn't necessarily mean we will automatically relate to one another, kind of speaks to what you are saying Simone in a roundabout way. Still, it seems really dismissive to automatically exclude a segment of the human population just because you don't get where they're coming from in the trans-continuum.

I didn't see anything that suggests excluding any portion of the human population at all. It is simply that there is a connection there that does not exist elsewhere. And that is as true a statement as can be, at least from my experience. It is not about relating to another, it is not about a relationship or friendship or even if you like the person. There is a connection and if you have never experienced it it would be hard to understand.

I see it over and over.

[Kathryn Martin]

I think that not being unique is incredibly re-assuring. I have to say though that the name "trans woman" makes me cringe every time. Sorry, it just does. Interestingly enough though, I met two women with a transsexual medical history prior to transition and I did not peg them at all. For me they were just women. Later I found out because the confided. The connection was there however.

I attended "group" twice and was totally put off. The group was composed of some transvestites, some crossdressers and then another transsexual and I. Yikes I was so put off, I never went back.

So I know what Simone is talking about.

But that is not what you are talking about. Do you ever have this experience with women?

[LeaP]

... I KNEW I was like them almost instantly... I KNEW for the very first time what I really was...

... I think its possible that Sara you are reacting to simone's comment instead of lea's point...

Meeting people that get that in a primal way is what this thread is about...

Yes. So maybe connection isn't the best word ... the "familiar" of the thread title conveys it better. I can't even say WHAT it is that's SO familiar, but it is so nonethless - even when the personality types differ. I "connect" to that ... whatever that is ...


... "trans woman" makes me cringe every time. ...
Do you ever have this experience with women?

Trans woman doesn't particularly bother me, but I do understand why some do not care for the term.

On the question - Yes. There are barriers to overcome at times, though. Depending on the individual and the circumstances. Some people's perceptions cut through the things that obscure, others' do not (or will not).

[MysticLady]

On the question - Yes. There are barriers to overcome at times, though. Depending on the individual and the circumstances. Some people's perceptions cut through the things that obscure, others' do not (or will not).

I'm impressed w/ your thoughts Lea.

[dreamer_2.0]

Perhaps I'm not at the stage to fully understand what others are discussing. Currently I haven't met any trans people in the real world (that I'm aware of) so there hasn't been any connection yet. Sorry for my comment, I was trying to be facetious.

[steftoday]

I recently had lunch with a feisty, delightful trans lady. One of the things I asked the gender therapist was about meeting people and attending support group meetings. She gave me the contact information for this person. At lunch, once we started chatting, the thought that I was speaking with a person that had transitioned to female never even occurred to me. She even asked me if she was the first "out" trans person that I had met (she was, as far as I knew... :) ). We had a nice lunch, and I learned a lot.

[gonegirl]

I'd like to say that I'm very sorry for offending people with what I wrote in my earlier post. I didn't intend to and upon reflection I can see how some of my language was insensitive. Please accept my sincerest apology.

The point I was ineloquently trying to express was that being transexual is different from being anything else on the so called trans spectrum. Not better or worse (although it has felt worse to me at times), but a state of being that is unique to our identity as women.

Sincerely,
Simone.

[LeaP]

For what it's worth, Simone, I have had the same experience you and Kaitlyn described. To Kathryn's point, the first such experience was meeting a transitioned woman at a CD event - she simply popped out of the crowd for me as a woman.

SJ, I spent a significant portion of the evening talking with one of the group's leaders, who is a CD. I could easily see a friendship striking up between us, as the conversation was very open and welcoming. But "she" was unquestionably a he. The latter part of that evening was spent in conversation with the trans woman. The connection was different. In fact, it felt like a heart-to-heart connection in a way that the other did not. And we went immediately to conversations about shared emotional and psychological experiences that had me recognizing myself in her.

Conversely, my physician is several years post-op. She is as reserved and introverted as I am ... maybe more so (though that's hard to believe). As a result, I don't see much of an opportunity for friendship. But the connection - that familiarity - is still there.

[edit] As an aside, I find it interesting that TS members were corrected in a recent thread for not being sufficiently understanding of the supposedly good intentions of a CD. Yet here, the obviously good intentions of a TS member are treated differently.

[Sara Jessica]

Lea, I get where you and Simone are coming from. My point had to do with not painting people with such a broad brush.

Just because many of us will encounter a variety of trans-individuals in our travels, it doesn't mean we'll "identify with" or on a more simplistic level, "relate to" everyone. That is part of what it is to be human. I have met TS women who I have thought were completely whacked out and the same is true for some CD's that I've met. Heck, people have probably thought that of me which is their prerogative.

I know self-described CD's who don't project an ounce of "he" in their interactions with others (aside from the physical challenges that most/all of us contend with) and if any of these people were to say tomorrow "I'm transitioning", I'd not be surprised in the least bit. Conversely, I've met TS women who exude a lifetime of masculinity that betrays what's in their heart despite their transitioning or transitioned status. There are all types of being and expression in this wonderful world of ours.

Maybe this whole thing is simply easier for me personally because I can relate to and identify with the TS woman and also do the same with those who identify as CD. Perhaps my middle path makes this possible but I'm guessing it has more to do with my personality. I pretty much don't have a shy or introverted bone in my body.

[LeaP]

I believe Kaitlyn said it best, particularly her comments on the "trans-continuum', which encapsulates things nicely. I'll leave it at that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

..... I have met TS women who I have thought were completely whacked out.....

I could write a book!!! :doh:


..... ............I know self-described CD's who don't project an ounce of "he" in their interactions with others (aside from the physical challenges that most/all of us contend with) and if any of these people were to say tomorrow "I'm transitioning", I'd not be surprised in the least bit.


These are most likely transsexuals...regardless of their self id

[Anne2345]

However, I did have the same experience as simone when I met transsexual women for the first time....I didn't expect it. I KNEW I was like them almost instantly...I left that dinner in a whirlwind of emotions..not because I envied them (I did), but because I KNEW for the very first time what I really was...I experienced two hours with women that had been born genetically male...for whatever reason, I just knew the difference...it was instinct

This has been my experience also. And it was powerful and quite telling. It confirmed much I believed about myself. In this, I would add that Kaitlyn gifted to me some time ago some of the best advice I have ever received - if you believe you may be TS, if you question yourself, go out in the real world and meet genuine, real deal TSs and those who have transitioned. Go to the support groups. Go to social events. Meet TSs out for tea or coffee. Have lunch or dinner with TSs. TSs are real people, after all. But real people rooted in real life experience.

[Kathryn Martin]

Reading the thread, I appreciate what Kaitelyn said, and echoed by others with similar experiences. For me except the two group meetings which I referred to my only experiences in this regard came after I began transition (with a view to full transition asap) and I participated in the Fantasia Fair in Provincetown Mass. Even there I was put off by the majority of participants because there was no or little common ground. But the woman who did the couples group sessions created this experience for me, she was a born woman. Throughout my life women have given me this experience, the deep and visceral experience and knowledge of kinship and recognition. That is why I asked this question up above. Maybe my experience is unusual in this regard, but opportunities to connect with groups are scarce here. My transition counselor after the first session told me that the group he was running would offer nothing for me and asked I not attend.

[LeaP]

I received the same advice about my local support group from the group's coordinator, interestingly. Continuing along the thread's lines, I would expects that the majority of the attendees at something like Fantasia might not connect ("put you off" is perhaps in addition to that ... Not sure I want to go there in this thread).

Thinking about your question, I realized how much *I* block the connection, out of long habit and training in propriety. I generally feel the connection, but do not allow it to happen by blocking and tackling emotionally. Many women, in turn, are also guarded. So I've experimented dropping my guard in the last few days. And the connection flows both ways. I have to relax into it.

One might respond that such connections can happen with anyone. And they can. But my experience is that it is rare for me with men. In fact, I'm guarded with them. Growing up, it was with women, right through High School, in fact. And I'm close to my sisters and not my brothers - not in the same way, anyway.

But more than connection, it's the sense of recognizing something in women (including trans women ... sorry, Kathryn!) that illuminates the same inside me.