I want to be normal

[Lorileah]

However normal for me is Lori.

The last month has been a pinnacle for me. Moving forward towards becoming the person I am. Keeping busy with many side things. Business has even picked up. I thought finally things were falling into place. I knew there would be drops and I halfway prepared for them.

Just prior to my last session with my counselor I started full time. Have been going to work now for 20 days (When I say "I" I mean Lori not the other guy). My clients have been supportive. Most are happy for me and tell me I should continue. I have had a few ask where the doctor was when they walked in (it takes a few minutes to see who I am.) One client came in and started crying because she was so happy (side note, this woman could be my sister as I looked at her, she is tall, has the same hair color and she was wearing the same color combination I was when she came in...and her name is the same as mine...eerie huh?). The animals either don't care as long as I have biscuits or they are better. I don't know if this is the aura I present, the clothes, the fact I am more relaxed :idontknow: A couple clients have even come back to say that they felt better about me and that their dogs were happier with me.

So for three weeks...no male at all. I do yard work, I shop, I work, I sleep, I perform. I have had two Cabaret acts (about a month apart). I have done another show (was BEFORE the 21 days and I was male...but I prefer to call it "cross Dressing"). I have performed with two jazz combos (they are talking about adding me...but I have an open invitation when ever they have a show to join them for a few numbers). Things just seemed to be going along at a high plane. I was feeling "normal". It seemed that I was accepted (or at least ignored). I thought I had found "me".

But last night threw me a little and today I have confidence issues. Last night was the second Cabaret show. That wasn't the issue. The problem was that a friend came to see me. A friend who I though was comfortable with "me". After all, she has been supportive and helpful. She gets the right pronouns. She tells me when I have spinach in my teeth. I think of her as a best friend.

She has been honored with a huge award. No money but very prestigious. The banquet is next month. It isn't cheap to go...$100 a plate (or $75/person if you buy a table). That is a lot of Taco Bell. But I was going because...she is a best friend. Last night though she has me reconsidering. She told me she would "prefer" that I came as a guy. I know she has known the guy for a long time. She likes "him" the same a she likes "me". But the request threw me. She knows what I have planned. I have discussed it with her for months now. She knows I am happier as me. Yet she wants "him" at the banquet. I know why, I understand why. But it hurts. I know she doesn't want the freak there. The tall blonde masculine shouldered freak. This is different than the circle of friends who have had time to adjust (mostly). This is the general public (actually not it is a group of activists and politicians). She doesn't want them staring or whispering or pointing at the Amazon tranny.

So I guess I am not as out as I thought. I know that in the grand scheme of things I will never be mistaken for Jennifer Anniston or a model or even the GG behind the counter at Taco Bell (yes I am hungry sorry). I know that the rest of my life I will be made. Very few get to NOT be made. My body can't change enough to be mistaken in all circumstances. In my mind I want to believe my friend is "protecting me". I also know that she does not want to be embarrassed with me. It is her day, she deserves the accolades and award. She has earned it. I had already bought the ticket to go. It is a major inconvenience since it starts at 5:30 (Really? awards at 5:30?) and I have to close the office early to get there. Less inconvenience now that I don't have to get "pretty" which evidently I don't do well anyway. I am debating though about going. An awards banquet honoring people who have done good things for the community...like working toward equal rights, stopping discrimination. And me being there as a parody of who I am. Putting on a mask to hide the freak. The abnormal. I will probably go. I won't stay because I won't be comfortable nor happy.

I don't know when having to pretend stops. When I can be who I want when I want and not have to worry about what others...others I don't even know and really don't care to know...think. I will do it because my friend is important to me. I will do it for the same reason I have done it for almost 58 years...because it is what a guy does.:puke:

Addendum. I was supposed to go to a fund raiser today for someone with medical problems. I have the ticket to that too, but since the same people will be there, I am staying home. I just am not sure now that my friends are as comfortable with me as I thought they were. I had every intention to be there, to donate. But I think now they don't want "me" they want my money. Sorry it is a package deal

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know. On the day I go full time the other guy will be officially dead and no one will ever see him again no matter the reason. One of the reasons I am giving it a lot of time is so I will be ready and everyone else can be as well.

[Wildaboutheels]

I feel quite sure Lori, that your friend does not realize just how hurtful her request is to you. And it IS at least possible is it not, that "which" Lori she wants to show up,is not even her choice?

I know you realize that you will never get 100% acceptance from your friends, but it seems to me that you already do have a level of acceptance that many would envy.

[Lorileah]

I know Ellen. Maybe I did rush it a bit. But dividing the time, to me, seemed like it made things more confusing.

I truly feel physically ill over this. Anger, disappointment, sadness. No wonder so many here keep true feelings and emotions hidden.

[Tamara Croft]

Lori, don't go, it's as simple as that. If she can't accept you as Lori, then you don't go as 'him'. You are not him, you are Lori and if she is embarrassed to have you there, which let's face it, that's the real reason, she needs to step up and be a goddamn friend :Angry3:

Tell her, tell her how you feel, tell her how much she has upset you. She can tell you you have crap in your teeth... you can tell her how much she's upset you!

[kimdl93]

You'll go as that other guy and you'll feel some doubts about your accepting friends. Both seem almost given at this point. Would it be out of line for you to tell your friend that this time, because it's her night, you're making one last concession to your old life? And that, in the future, you'll come as yourself, or not at all. I don't know, seems like you at least need to let her know that permanent change is in the winds?

[Angela Campbell]

I wouldn't tell you what to do. That is your decision, but I would discuss it with her especially since she said she "preferred" the guy. Yes this is why we all hide so much of ourselves from everyone. This is what we have to face with a world who cannot understand.

But honestly

"An awards banquet honoring people who have done good things for the community...like working toward equal rights, stopping discrimination. And me being there as a parody of who I am. Putting on a mask to hide the freak."

Is this award even justified?

[Catherine Hopkins]

I agree with Tamara, Lori. Don't go unless it's as Lori.

My wife had transitioned (as in gone full time) about 6 months before her older daughter got married. She went as Gina. There was never any question of her old self being dusted off.

[arbon]

That was really unfair of her to ask that of you. You are letting go of that old identity, you don't want to put that mask back on, it's not you and will only leave you unhappy

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Lori

I know I was asked to do a similar thing. Although I am not full time I always visit this friend as Shelly.

I can say your absolutely correct. This must hurt in a way you never expected. There are some who have went back as there former selves even after transition for family meetings.

All you can do is assess the reasons behind the request and then decide.

:hugs:

[Rianna Humble]

If she hadn't said that she preferred "him" to you, I might have thought that she was saying to go as "him" in a misguided attempt to protect your feelings, but unfortunately she let the cat out of the bag. Is there any way to get your money back on either of these events?

[michelleddg]

Tough stuff indeed, my sympathies. Maybe email her a copy of your post? Hugs, Michelle

[steftoday]

Your friend needs to be made aware just how big a deal it's going to be if you go as him. The only thing you'll have done as him since going full time will be this one event. It's great she's getting a reward and recognition, but she's asked for you to do something that she shouldn't have asked for (I'm assuming she knew you're full time Lori now). I would ask her to reconsider. If she balks, I would decline politely, and give the ticket to someone else.

[Princess Grandpa]

I have no advise to offer. Just a Hug. I'm really sorry! Only you can decide what is best for you. I wish I could help!

Hug
Rita

[FurPus63]

I know it's hard. I think all of us who decide to transition and go full-time have many hard decisions and choices to make. I remember early on needing to make a choice like that myself and I chose to go as my true self. As Paulette. It's hard but to me, I feel that if you have made an committment to live your life as a woman, than that is what you've chosen and to go back on it for any reason is wrong. Go as Lori. You can discuss your feelings with your friend before hand and let her know that you must go as Lori. Lori is who you are now and that's all there is to it. I'm sorry, I can't give any other advice. I need to speak from my heart and that's what my heart says.

You might lose her as a friend. I lost lots of friends and family members as a result of this. It all hurts. All the time, still to this day. However; I know for myself that I need to live my life as Paulette. To me if you go to one event as your old self just to please a friend, sooner or later you'll do it again, and again, and then where will you be?? I really think you should stick to either not attending and writing it off as a financial loss or go as Lori and talk to your friend. Even if your friend said, "no, I want you there as a guy....etc... or I'll get mad at you." You still need to go as your true self. Think about it. Do you want a friend who loves you for who and what you truely are or do you want to continue to please people who really are only thinking of themselves and not you at all. Who are your true friends? This transition will make that perfectly clear.

Paulette

[Inna]

We often ask for tolerance, yet when faced with others asking us to abide by their standard due to circumstances, we get down and feel betrayed. How precious of example Lori, and hearing your resolve, I do see that you quite get it!

Yes, it is as hard for them to accept the new, as it is for us to remain the old.

But one thing I will not agree with, the statement that You shall NEVER be able to overcome your body, and forever will remain a tranny.
There are others who did not give into reality at hand, but walked straight through presumption of failure and arrived on the other side, true, complete, and visually amazing!

Dreams are real, if not for dreams and blind pursuit, non of what mankind had made, would be possible!

[PretzelGirl]

If she is a best friend, then why aren't you speaking to her about it? Does she really know how much this hurts? Is she possibly under the impression that you are going back and forth some still? All I know is that if I am going to be stressed and possible lose one of my best friends, I would rather talk and make sure it is for the right reasons and not for what I thought only to find years later I misinterpreted something.

If it turns out she is having problems bring around you in front of everyone, I am truly sorry. Every friend lost is painful and there is no way to change that.

[Marleena]

"I want to be normal" Ummm.. you already are Lorileah.:) Your friend is the one with the problem not you. I agree with the others, don't give in to her. Quit being so hard on yourself too. It's time to re-evaluate that friendship.

[GaleWarning]

Lori, you have told many a person on this forum that honesty is the best policy. So speak to your friend and tell her that her bum is big!

Be brutally frank with her about your feelings. If she truly is your friend, she will realise just how much she has offended you, and both of you will be able to attend the function feeling on top of the world.

If not, ...., then she probably doesn't deserve the award.

[Dawn cd]

Is there a chance of choosing a middle way—perhaps slacks and a pretty sweater, along with flats and just a hint of lip color?

[Angela Campbell]

She is not a crossdresser, it has nothing to do with clothes. It is about being Lori

[I Am Paula]

I spent 55 years letting others dictate what I should do, and how I should dress. Now is my time. A friend who said ' I still like you, but only as a guy' is no friend.
Being a hypocrite here, I'm going to a wedding in guy mode next month, out of respect for the wedding couple. Thier day is NOT my coming out party.

[ReineD]

I wouldn't go to your friend's event. I understand if your friend is not wanting to choose her award night to have you come out to everyone, since she has no way of knowing what the outcome will be. But at the same time I'm sure she will understand that you are uncomfortable dressing as a man and you prefer staying at home.

BUT ... next time there is an awards dinner, buy a ticket and plan to go by yourself, no matter who is receiving an award. The politicians and the town's movers and shakers do need to see who you are. And then buy tickets and go by yourself to every fundraiser, every community event, until people are used to seeing you and the general surprise has died down.

If you do this and your friend wins an award again next year, she will not have to be concerned about accompanying someone who is making her grand debut, since it will have been done, and I'm sure that she would love to go with you then.

[Lorileah]

.
Being a hypocrite here, I'm going to a wedding in guy mode next month, out of respect for the wedding couple. Thier day is NOT my coming out party.

:yt: It is her day. It is something she really deserves. Right now I will "suck it up" as they say. I don't have to like it. And I will discuss this with her. I have talked to her many times about how I feel around the members of our club and she always says "so? are they important to you?". She is important to me. She was there when my GF died (and my GF and I were there when her son died about 3 months before my GF) so we have shared a lot. She was there when I first came out dressed to the club. I know there is a reason for her now saying she doesn't want Lori there. I suspect she thinks I need the protection from the mean old politicians and embedded macho males of the community. Inside I think she thinks I will be a distraction.

Yes I preach honesty, and I will talk to her about it, But I fear that she will see that as an ultimatum or me forcing my hand so I will wait. She was there last night for my show, one out of 10 who "promised not to miss it" this time the other 9???? I suspect the preseason Broncos won over me (and lost badly to the other team). One has already lamely (and that is a pun and a literal saying) apologized because he went golfing and his feet hurt (sarcasm deleted). The others will say they forgot. Even though 2 nights earlier they said they would be there. So I can't say she doesn't accept me. It still sort of hurts because what will they do in a year after hormones? Two years when I have surgery? I won't be able to switch back and forth. True test of friends. I am so lucky that I have many new friends, from here especially.

Her sister has not purchased a ticket and is notorious for last minute things so I will give her mine. Refunds? Both affairs are charity. I can give up the money for that. After all what would I do with money? Have surgery or something? Thanks for the support everyone.

[Bree Wagner]

Less inconvenience now that I don't have to get "pretty" which evidently I don't do well anyway.

Why isn't there an emoticon of one of these smilies throwing the BS flag? None of that freak talk applies at all. You're who you are and there's nothing freaky about it.



I suspect she thinks I need the protection from the mean old politicians and embedded macho males of the community. Inside I think she thinks I will be a distraction.


If you really feel she's doing this to 'protect' you, you really need to bring it up in your talk that really ins't what you need. Supporting the choices of a good friend is the protection you deserve.



Yes I preach honesty, and I will talk to her about it, But I fear that she will see that as an ultimatum or me forcing my hand so I will wait.


How so? An ultimatum for what? Your hand isn't forced, but your mind was made up about who you are and she knew that.


I am so lucky that I have many new friends, from here especially.



Yeah, you do. Some of us even did come to your show! :heehee: You deserve better Lori and I sure hope you get it.

[Sandra]

I wouldn't go and tell her that you're not, then when she asks why I would tell her.

[bas1985]

sometimes even as cis-male or cis-female we have to do compromises. Some are good, some are bad, some are intolerable, that's life. I would say not go, but at the same time I would consider what is the price of not going and also the price which she is asking me. Both are high, and perhaps she is bluffing... but you don't know until you see. Out of metaphor I would say to challenge this friendship going there in drab... but then next time the hand is yours and if she does not understand you can quit a friendship without regret. I hope that this poker analogy does not disturb you (I am negate at poker, I just know the rules but I have no poker face :) and I can't bluff).

[MysticLady]

Hi Lori

I read your story. If this person is important too you, then I would do as she requests but, I would have a private conversation w/ her later, on your feelings about this. Maybe, she just needs to confronted about her feelings on the matter and let you know exactly what she feels. Just a thought.

BTW............What is Normal?

[Barbara Ella]

Lori, I cannot pretend that I can give advice on this, you have far more insight than i ever will.

My one comment is that YOU ARE NORMAL DEAR!

It is societal reaction and peer pressure that is not normal, and never will be for girls in our position. Yes, that makes us fell that it is we who are not normal because we are not fitting into the "expected role." But it is not you, it is them. Our situation is just so thought provoking and mind bending, that even the closest allies can find themselves stretched to the breaking point over what is right, and what is safe.

Go, or not, please do have the talk and let her know how deeply you felt this.

Barbara

[PortiaHoney]

Ultimately, you know your friend best. The best thing you can do is to talk to her. The worst part of pre-transition is all this "should I", "shouldn't I" when you are planning on going somewhere.

As you are able to mostly go "en-femme" to work and to socialise, what is it that is stopping you from making the commitment? I would be asking myself why I would even be considering going in "male" mode?

If you are ok with swinging between genders, just go with what you can live with. You need to ask yourself what your motives or intentions are.

I am sure you are doing just that. Good luck with whatever path you decide. I hope the evening turns out for the best. It is times like this that test our resolve on what we think we truly want. That's not quite right - it's about what we truly "need".

[Di]

Lori, I read this earlier and my FIRST thought was.....you are like me and prob would do as she asks being the caring friend you ARE.

BUT the more I think about it....the madder I get:angry:

As a friend she should NEVER ask this of you.
Must be she wants to get it.......but does not really get it.....:sad:

So I think I would gracefully bow out.....and as Sandra said when she asks why I would explain it to her.

[Patty B.]

That has a sting to it but ReineD as always has good advice, but it's still up to you.

[FurPus63]

I'm mad too. I read your post below and it sounds like you're going to go and heed her wishes. I think it's aweful for two friends to be pulled apart this way. Being trans sucks sometimes!!! However; I would never ever go back to living a lie as a man. I can't do it, not even for a day. I love being a woman and presenting myself as such. I'm so sad for you and your friend.

Paulette

[Lorileah]

Just an update: Last night was the awards banquet. I went as a male. I have to say I looked good too (it was planned and probably very diva of me so that certain women could see what they should have had...OK I am vindictive). But as with every awards banquet I have ever been too, it was 2 hours out of my life I will never get back. I actually was thinking of all the things I could have been doing...including cleaning the house, doing repairs, slamming my hand in a car door...twice. I hate these things. Hours of patting themselves on the back for all the kind hings they are doing "for no reward". Seems like when you do a good deed, you should be happy to have done it. :idontknow: Yes I like the commendations and the accolades, I am human,. It feels good to be acknowledged. But a simple "Ya dun good" works. I have decided that if I ever get an award (yeah right) I am going to do what a famous sex researcher did when asked to give a speech on sex. He stood before the crowd, cleared his throat and said "It gives me great pleasure" and then sat down. Mine will be more like " Thank you every one who made this possible, you know who you are and I will speak to you each personally sometime. I am humbled and flattered. Thank you again very much. Now back to your rubber chicken dinner."

So, I was there eating 20$ tacos (that's what it worked out to...and you know there isn't an elegant way to eat tacos) and thinking "wow, these people think a lot about themselves". OK I get this is their annual dinner...and yes they do good things (Scholarships for one). But a phrase kept coming up. "Equal Rights". They were working toward equal rights...for the group they were involved in. Two said equal rights for all minorities. That was the snapping point. There I was, being "asked" to not go as Lori, listening to a bunch of people rail on equal rights and me thinking "what would they have done if I did go as me?" Many would have been unhappy. A few actually angry. Hypocritical. When one says equal rights for all, shouldn't that mean all?

I sat there the whole evening feeling out of place. I was being someone I wasn't to fulfill the desires of others. Yes, I would have stood out. I would have drawn attention to me and that is the reason I didn't dress. It was Dianne's night, it wasn't mine. I would have been the "did you see the tranny?" afterwards. I didn't want to go but it was Dianne's night and I am her friend....so I made a choice. Won't happen again, I will stay home if that is the choice. It also bothered me from the beginning that on top of the fee to go there (it was 100$ a person, 75$ if you bought a table of 10) they begged money from the time you walked in the door, auctioning stuff, having raffles (Bronco tickets...not in my lifetime.) and just plain "gimme money". I think I picked the wrong profession.

I did my good deed. I was there for a friend. But I still can't get over the "Equal Rights for All" and there wasn't a TG person visible in the place.

[Maslow's Mum]

Lorileah, this is your mother speaking.......repeat after me....
I AM NOT A FREAK! I AM NOT A FREAK! I AM NOT A FREAK!
Frankly, girl, you sound to me to be about the most NORMAL person in that room....whatever the hell normal is!
What is that old saying ?'those that matter won't care and those that care don't matter."
Just be YOU...you're the only person who knows how!
Hugs
Mum

[LeaP]

I did my good deed. I was there for a friend. But I still can't get over the "Equal Rights for All" and there wasn't a TG person visible in the place.

I get it. You get it. Others? Not so much. As long as others view us as exercising some weird lifestyle choice, it's not going to change. Also, people advocate for rights on behalf of those with whom they sympathize. The medicalization and sexualization of transsexuals doesn't play to the meme, despite the realities (about which they are unaware anyway).

[Chickhe]

I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself and too critical of the people around you? Yes, it is insulting and hurtful to be told what you were told, but on the other hand you are brand new at it...so maybe what people are saying, is that you are not confident enough yet, maybe not polished enough that they still see the old you.

As an example, I had a friend who's wife was always complaining, she was over weight, never did exercise, no confidence, never worked after university. Then one day she decided to change....she lost weight, got a makeover, got a job, became confident... they got divorced too. She is a different person now, even her ex husband said so. She looks a lot different and is being successful in her new 'life' and its believable. So, my suggestion is...move out of your default comfort zone....go get a makeover, not a male to female makeover....go get a female to career female makeover...get a more modern look...do something like they do on that 'what not to wear' show. Then your friends will see the new you instead of what they have seen for years and they will believe you are serious.

[Lorileah]

people advocate for rights on behalf of those with whom they sympathize. The medicalization and sexualization of transsexuals doesn't play to the meme, despite the realities (about which they are unaware anyway).

So true. I know that forever and ever there will be huge "tells" about me. Things that all the medicine and surgery in the world cannot change. I know this, but I have to go places, I cannot switch at will and this would have been a perfect opportunity to do that. The group is one that is very strongly anchored in "old" customs. Unfortunately for me one of those is the religious feelings on gay and TG people. I know why I was asked not to present as "me". I know. I would have just rather have been told to stay away. I was very uncomfortable there.


I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself and too critical of the people around you? Yes, absolutely.
not confident enough yet, maybe not polished enough that they still see the old you. My friends I can understand that. And to be fair, the rest of the people there were not given the opportunity to make their own decisions (something I say about CDs here...let the SO make their own decision), so maybe in the grand scheme the majority would have said "hey we support TGs"?

So, my suggestion is...move out of your default comfort zone.... Thank you for that but I am comfortable in most situations. I am probably too comfortable, expecting that I will be treated like any other person. :)
go get a makeover, ...go get a female to career female makeover... Not sure what that means. My daily make up is very conservative. The pictures you see are glam :)
Then your friends will see the new you instead of what they have seen for years and they will believe you are serious.. They have seen the new me, for the last 8 months. Several complain that they don't see the old me anymore and I should come back. It is hard trying to keep old friends and move to a new life. I imagine it is that way with any change...looks, job..romance. I have several male friends who insist on calling me "he" or "my man". I have grown used to that but I don't like it. They do still think that what I am doing is a game, a lark, something that will pass.