What if your SO was a FtM crossdresser

[Sometimes Steffi]

In therapy last week, my therapist tried to get me to think about crossdressing from my wife's perspective.

She asked me how would I feel if my wife developed an interest in FtM crossdressing. Yeah, I know that women can wear just about any men's clothes with out being a crossdresser. But her scenario was different. She said suppose my wife wanted to wear tighty whities, was "packing", I think is the correct term, (i.e., wearung some kind of prosthetic to visually enhance the size of her "package"), was binding her breasts, and wearing something to simulate beard growth.

Anyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

[Lorileah]

and??? how do you feel about that? Would you look in the mirror and say...good for me good for her or would you be a hypocrite? You are the one who has to walk that path grasshopper. I can say this has been discussed several times and there are those here who say they would leave...some of them were in the middle of being left at the time. In my mind if you are TG and you have a spouse who wanted to dress (or transition or whatever) you should at least respect them for it. If you could not accept it...there's always a door you can walk out of

[Launa]

Hey if she didn't want to do it full time then so what? I would let her do it in a second flat.

[ReineD]

Echo Lori. Only you can look into your heart to see how you would feel about being in an intimate relationship with a woman who packs & binds, who cuts her hair man-style, who lets her leg & underarm hair grow and who glues on facial and chest hair. Oh, and she'd likely walk like a guy, work on deepening her voice, develop male interests and drop any feminine mindset and interests while she is dressed.

[giuseppina]

I like to think I am open-minded to anything that is not illegal, unsafe, or unethical. That doesn`t meet any of the three tests, Steffi.

That doesn`t mean I wouldn`t have a bit of trouble with it, as I would with tying her up. Done properly, bondage is an exercise in honest communication and unconditional trust, but if it`s done wrong, it can be absolutely devastating and result in a trip to jail (forcible confinement) in the extreme case.

[KateSpade83]

I wouldn't like a wife who wants to be a man FT. I'd only accept FTM crossdressing during role reversal play / sex. I want a feminine woman!

[whowhatwhen]

Sounds like fun IMHO.

[Emjay]

I feel like we should "get it" more than anyone else if a spouse/S.O. wanted or needed to present as male in order to feel complete. That is what we do right?

Personally I would support my S.O. 100% if she wanted to present as male, she is 100% supportive of me. Admittedly, it wouldn't be my first choice for her but it's her life and her body, if that's what she needed then so be it. I would still love her for the person she is. :)

[MissTee]

If she were wanting to transition I would not like it at all. If she were simply wanting to cross dress I wouldn't care. Heck, on the days she wanted to wear the pants I'd be wearing the dress.

[Sallee]

I guess it depends I agree if not, you are a hypocrite. I don't know what my reaction would be

Now I think that would be fun

[LilSissyStevie]

A psychiatrist once said that I was a "latent homosexual" so this would give me a chance to cross the threshold, so to speak. Now I'm wondering what he's packing!!:daydreaming:

[Laura28]

I would be fine with it, we have role played it before and it was fun she likes the feeling of power but isnt really interested in presenting as a man but it is a fun role play.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

When I came out to my wife, the floodgates opened for her to explore repressed kinks. One of those was role reversal with...ahem...appendages. I was surprised and pleased one night when she was dressed in a beautiful matching bra & panty set, thigh highs, stilettos, and a silk robe...and guess what was in her panties? The appendage. But everything else was feminine about her. If she bound her breasts, wore a short wig, and a false mustache/beard, I would be OK with it, because she would still look all woman. It's the same in reverse. While shaving, hose and heels make my legs look sort of like a woman's, the rest of me is man, and that would not change if I wore makeup or a wig. I suppose that's the essence of fetishistic CD and role play. She seems OK with that extent, so I would be too. It would probably change if either one of us really made the effort to alter our appearance permanently, plainly evident in "drab" mode. As unlikely as that scenario is in our case, I love my wife and like to think I would support her. If she were that courageous, I'd probably join her in transition, but in the other direction.

But that only happens in the movies or Fictionmania stories, right? We'd both assume the other gender (though she would be a really skinny, shorter guy and I would look like a female powerlifter) and we could have another wedding with her in the tux and me in the dress, and we'd live happily ever after with her as my husband, and me as her wife. Yeah, then I woke up. Reality would be a hell of a lot harder. And would confuse our kids. So I'll just wear hose and heels from time to time and let her have her fun, too.

[Jenniferathome]

...Anyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

THAT is EXACTLY what your wife is thinking. I'm surprised you have not considered this. I know I would not be as understanding as my wife is. Sad but true.

[Di]

I was hoping I would see more saying things along the line of-

I would support him 100 percent
I would help with voice training and walking like a guy as so to pass.
Shop with him to get proper guy clothes
Bring home small gifts like a guys watch ,mens cologne ect to show I support him
Talk together who he would come out to
Go out together doing guy things
Be fine with how often he needs to present as male
Love and support him/her no matter what gender they present.

This is more or less the support you would want from your spouse-why should it be any different if the shoe was on the other foot?

[Tracii G]

100% support if that happened to me I totally understand it.
You can whip your out and she can take her's off whats the problem?

[DebbieL]

In therapy last week, my therapist tried to get me to think about crossdressing from my wife's perspective.
She asked me how would I feel if my wife developed an interest in FtM crossdressing.

This is really important. Keep in mind that if you have been presenting yourself as very masculine, very aggressive, and very "male", this is what your wife was attracted to. She may have even found it frustrating at time, but she liked having her "real man" and worked hard to protect your male ego.

If you chose your wife because she was overly feminine, wearing dresses, heels, and tops that appeal to you, and worked to maintain a nice slim waist, firm bust, and tight butt, and then she suddenly told you that from now on she would be wearing baggy cords, baggy flannel shirts, a sports bra that would flatten and minimize her breasts, and started wearing your dirty underwear and sweat socks because she wanted to "smell like a man", it would be disruptive at best.

You need to consider how you presented yourself during the courtship and marriage prior to your disclosure. If you were already effeminate, most people assumed that you were gay, you had lots of female friends who were just friends, and you liked to cook, do laundry, and didn't have a problem washing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom, then your wife probably already knew you were transgendered but was afraid to threaten your masculinity.

Very often, when living in "stealth mode", we go to sometimes absurd lengths to maintain our "cover" and try to act more "macho" than we really want, or get very defensive when someone suggests that we are a bit feminine. Sometimes, it's obvious that we are transgendered, and yet we will try to convince people that we aren't. Things like "It's not a purse, it's a MAN-BAG", or "It's called MAN-Scaping" or "I'm Metrosexual". Little actions like this scream that we are transgendered, and yet we are terrified that terrible things will happen if anybody finds out.

Often, this gives others, especially wives, a great deal of power. For some of these wives, coming out can be very threatening because it means a sudden loss of power, and may even mean that she may have to change her strategy for getting what she wants entirely.


Yeah, I know that women can wear just about any men's clothes with out being a cross-dresser. But her scenarios was different. She said suppose my wife wanted to wear tighty whities, was "packing", I think is the correct term, (i.e., wearing some kind of prosthetic to visually enhance the size of her "package"), was binding her breasts, and wearing something to simulate beard growth.

Let's add to that things like wearing a really stinky cheap men's after-shave like aqua-velva or old spice? Or talking in a very low bass voice, or gaining 50-60 lbs and wearing construction boots.


Anyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

In my case, I've been through the experience - several times. My first wife "dressed like a 12 year old boy". Her baggy cords, baggy flannel shirts, buttoned up, b-cup in a sport bra, and thick cotton panties were often deliberately chosen to turn me off. She also had VERY short hair, and often talked in a very low voice. It really didn't bother me that much, and I didn't even mind that she was the dominant partner in the marriage. What I DID resent was that she NEVER took charge in the bedroom. I would have LOVED it if she had tried to seduce me, especially if I was dressed, but in 9 years of marriage, it ONLY happened twice. Both times, she had been drunk to the point of black-out a night or two before, and ended up being pregnant as a result (the only night I could have been the father). I suspect she had had sex with other men prior to those nights, so she HAD to have sex that would make it POSSIBLE that I was the father.

After we got divorced, I found that I was actually VERY attractive to more masculine women. My lovers had much lower voices. My second wife sings Tenor in the church choir. They also like to "Dress Comfortable" which usually means very baggy pants, loose blouses, and flats that are "Very Comfortable". One did like to wear mules with 2 inch heels, even while pregnant, but she also wore jeans most of the time. All of these women were "one of the boys" as kids, and my second wife was even a SERGEANT in the ARMY. A couple of years ago, she had her head shaved for "Saint Baldricks Day", giving her 16 inch long hair to "Locks of Love" - raising about $2000 for children's cancer. She liked the short hear so much that she kept it short for about 4 months, then let it grow out. Last March, she got it buzzed again, but didn't have enough for "Locks of Love". Now she has decided she wants to keep it short all the time.

Sometimes, when I want to get a rise from her, she'll give me an order (request not as a question), and I'll say "OK Sarge", with a big huge old grin. She loves me and I love her. I've loved her when she was size 14 and when she was size 24 or 26. I tell her "I love you just the way you are, and just the way you aren't and there's not a darn thing you can do about it". Her main concern is that she knows that Debbie will NOT be welcome at family events such as Christmas or Thanksgiving, and would not be welcomed by several members of the church she has attended for 28 years. For now, I just wear "Pup Tent" shirts (which she sometimes borrows), and baggy slacks (women's but not obvious). I have always had hips that are too big for men's pants unless I wear a belt and bunch up the waistline. Nobody seems to mind that my shoes have 2 inch heels, or the running shoes have pink trim. The ONLY boys clothes I wear these days are the "pup tent" shirts that are so loose and baggy that they could hide a 40-C padded push-up bra. They almost hide my wife's 44D bra.

If you were to transition, you would find out, first hand, how how hard your wife works to maintain her figure, to stay healthy, and to be desirable. Wear some really intense shape-wear for a full 18 hours, and you will begin to appreciate what some women go through to maintain their appearance.

If you want your wife to love you unconditionally, including your dressing, then you must love her unconditionally. Love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment that expresses itself in the forms chosen by the person you choose to love. If she asks you to take out the trash, you need to think "yes, that's the way she wants me to say 'I love you', and do it like you were giving her a bouquet of flowers. If you really want her to love you dressed, find out what her 5 least favorite chores, the ones she really wants you to do or just hates doing, and then do ALL of them, while dressed as a maid. You can change back before she gets home, then tell her what you did as "The maid". She'll be begging you to "get dressed" before long.

The flip side is "expect nothing, be grateful for everything". If you do something remarkable, and she doesn't reward you the way you'd like to be rewarded, you do NOT have the right to be upset. You have a commitment to love her unconditionally, which means you will be grateful for ANY attempt to express gratitude.

Do that for 6 months to a year and she will be ASKING you to "get dressed".

[Lynn Marie]

Turning our actions around is a very common and effective psychological technique. It can really help open your eyes.

[Beverley Sims]

To those in therapy here, that is a favorite leveler by psychiatrists for those that think they have a problem.
Having had my brain scanned to test a machine at a university that I worked at I had many discussions about patients and one of the questions was always a reversal one.
Ie. those with a drinking problem... "What if your wife came home every night drunk and beat the kids up. What would you do then?"

For us on this forum, hypocrisy does reign a little, but you do have to think about it.
Is it fair to push this on to your wife.
When you do, think what I have said.

[Kate Simmons]

I definitely would not have a problem with it. In fact, I had envisioned that very scenario, As far as my ex wife it never would have happened though as she is a real girly girl. My current GF is not a girly girl per se but is still a very feminine person who accepts me for who I am. My wife would never even try to consider accepting me. Even so, if my GF wanted to go FTM, I wouldn't have a problem with it as it's the person I love, not what she is wearing.:battingeyelashes::)

[donnalee]

The one thing I know is that when you love someone and are together for a long time (43 years in my case), they always appear as you first saw them, and their looks never change in your eyes; they don't age, they don't gain or lose weight; you always see them as the one you fell in love with and that you still love, and they see you the same way. Photographs become a shock, but you soon learn to ignore them, because they don't reflect your reality.

[candydawn75]

Hey the wife and I have done it. Her in tighty whities and me dressed. It was and is a ton of fun for both. Oddly enough I think her opinion of undies would be the same as most women. She loves mine and think they are comfortable just as I do hers. So I am 100% ok with her exploring it and having fun package and all. You have to figure if you can tuck she can pack!! lol ;p

[Tamara Croft]

I don't think it is hypocrisy, a lot of women aren't supportive of their SO's, so why assume a MTF CD would be supportive if the roles were reversed? I think those saying they'd be 100% for it aren't being truthful, saying and doing is one thing... try living with a CD for a while, then come back and give your honest opinion.

If I were a FTM CD, my partner wouldn't like it, I know this for a fact. Let's be real shall we, you emulate women, you want to be women, you dress like women to get away from your male self... so I don't believe anyone who says they'd be 100% behind it... not a chance. A one night thing is not the same... like I said, try living with it all time.

[MiraM]

I don't think it is hypocrisy, a lot of women aren't supportive of their SO's, so why assume a MTF CD would be supportive if the roles were reversed? I think those saying they'd be 100% for it aren't being truthful, saying and doing is one thing... try living with a CD for a while, then come back and give your honest opinion.

If I were a FTM CD, my partner wouldn't like it, I know this for a fact. Let's be real shall we, you emulate women, you want to be women, you dress like women to get away from your male self... so I don't believe anyone who says they'd be 100% behind it... not a chance. A one night thing is not the same... like I said, try living with it all time.
I do live with it full time. My husband is FTM (no surgeries yet, but all man in my eyes) and I am MTF (no plans for transition, even though I wish it were a possibility)

[Violetgray]

I don't think it is necessarily hypocritical either. If a wife said, "I prefer men, not women" and then her husband said "me too" would it make her hypocritical to not want to be with him?

People are individuals with individual tastes and preferences.

Though personally I wouldn't mind experimenting with a woman who wanted to be the guy!

[Crissy Kay]

She kind of is. Though its really not her fault, as she has MS and is not able to dress herself. Being in a power chair she has to wear pants anyway. So, I get to wear a dress instead!!

[NicoleScott]

I'd get to dress more often, and we could go out together, appearing as a "normal" couple. People would wonder how such a petite little man could get such a hot babe. haha

[linda allen]

I don't think crossdressers would reply to that question the same way as non-crossdressers.

Since she accepts me dressing as a female, I could hardly object to my wife dressing as a male.

[Sarah Beth]

That was one of the first things my wife said to me all those years ago when she first found out about my dressing. After shouting at me that she married someone who wanted to be a woman, and was some sort of pervert. She wanted to know how I would feel if she wanted to be dress and act like a man. It was one of the things I thought about a lot over time.

Here is the thing, I wouldn't mind if it was something she wanted to try, or to be, because I love her and I want to be with her. At least that's how I think I feel but I can't be certain because its not something she has ever really wanted to give a real try at.

[Dianne S]

If she did it as often as I cross-dress, which is occasionally and nowhere near 24x7, I'd be OK with it.

[Debra Russell]

I have thought about this at length - last week I ask my wife if she would go to the fair with "Debra" , her reply, "and what am I suppose to do, take testosterone, pump up and wear a beard?" I answered, no just be my friend -- no reply. I am not on hormones, just like to emulate women now and then but it's clear- she wants to be with a man - not be one. I can't help how I am - I wouldn't mind roll reversal but not going out in drab as my guy friend - I understand and am thankfull she puts up with me this much......................Debra

[Allison Chaynes]

I'd accept her but I may not be attracted to her. I get it.

[ReineD]

I'd get to dress more often, ...

Thanks for being so honest Nicole. I'm wondering if this is the main reason for all the acceptance.

So a test would be to ask all the people who have answered in the positive if they would be as supportive if they were not CDers ... if there had never been an iota of desire for expressing anything female and if in fact, the expression of the slightest thing feminine was repulsive. Would they then support their wives' cross-gender expression?

[MatildaJ.]

The one thing I know is that when you love someone and are together for a long time (43 years in my case), they always appear as you first saw them, and their looks never change in your eyes; they don't age, they don't gain or lose weight; you always see them as the one you fell in love with and that you still love, and they see you the same way. Photographs become a shock, but you soon learn to ignore them, because they don't reflect your reality.

I love this, but I want to add that I think it's mostly true about gradual changes, putting on weight or going gray. At least for me, sudden changes (such as wearing makeup & a wig) are disruptive and prevent me from seeing my partner as the same person I first met twenty-six years ago.

[Dani0948]

This one really made me think. My initial cut was of course i would be supportive. My second thought was i'm not sure i would like it. Next i thought how hypocritical i was. Finally i realized that no matter what she did , i will always love her.

[NicoleScott]

So a test would be to ask all the people who have answered in the positive if they would be as supportive if they were not CDers ... if there had never been an iota of desire for expressing anything female and if in fact, the expression of the slightest thing feminine was repulsive. Would they then support their wives' cross-gender expression?

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be as supportive, because I wouldn't understand why she would want to crossdress and present as a man. To me, there's a difference in being accepting/supportive and understanding what it's like. It's possible to accept and support without understanding, but understanding sure makes it easier.

[natalialimapoa]

I have been working on an honest anwser to this question.

For while, I think I am highly selfish and hypocritical, since I am definitely not attracted to the male figure and, in the end, we are in a sexual relationship.

[Anna Abwaerts]

I say you can usually tell if this or that woman has a possibility of going masculine. I think I would not end up in a marriage with such woman, hence this surprise transition is out of the question.

But if some girl I had known would start going masculine, I would scratch my chin and say "hmm, interesting". =))

[Dani Lee]

Better question...

What if your SO wanted to be or act more masculine? It isn't the clothes and makeup so much as the femininity.

[Leona]

My wife already is a FTM CD. She wears pants every day... SOMEONE has to wear the pants in this relationship....

More seriously, I really don't care if she wants to man out herself. I think my personal limits for that for her are roughly the same as hers for me, e.g. no hormones. :) She's already "out-manning" most of the men she works with and the customers she deals with (she works at a sporting goods store)...

Truthfully, I don't care if she's more masculine than I am. It doesn't threaten my self-image in any way at all. It also means she gets pretty kinky when she doesn't feel like she has to fill a female role in bed and can just be herself, so 'tis nothing but a good thing for her to be herself.

[TheMissus]

NAnyhow, I was kind of at a loss for words. Help me wrap my mind around this, please.

I honestly don't understand how you can be at a loss here. What exactly DO you think your wife sees when you CD? Or any GG for that matter. Do you really think we see anything different than what your therapist just described??

We don't. Just sayin'.

EDIT: You know, this did get me thinking about acceptance though and whether women are just more tolerant. Thing is, you can't really use CDing as an example as regardless of what clothing choice women have, we DON'T CD as a rule and as a rule, CD is a male issue.

So I was thinking of some mostly female issues (anorexia, pica) and how accepting spouses are of these difficult issues. A female friend of mine said NO WAY could she live with a man who spent all day eating the sofa yet I watched one of those reality shows where a husband did just that. He lived with a woman who ate rubber tyres ALL DAY LONG. She even served him his dinner of salad and steak while serving herself a plate of rubber pieces!! She did this in public and the families all knew about it. Counselling couldn't stop her.

Did he leave her? Nope. He very sweetly accommodated this strange compulsion into his life and loved her anyway.

I watched another husband live with a woman who ate sofa stuffing, a body building addict and many, many other strange things that women do (pica is definitely a strange one!) So men can be as tolerant of us as we of them, but maybe not of CD because it's not typically a female issue?

I found all this quite interesting to contemplate :)

[candydawn75]

I don't think it is hypocrisy, a lot of women aren't supportive of their SO's, so why assume a MTF CD would be supportive if the roles were reversed? I think those saying they'd be 100% for it aren't being truthful, saying and doing is one thing... try living with a CD for a while, then come back and give your honest opinion.

If I were a FTM CD, my partner wouldn't like it, I know this for a fact. Let's be real shall we, you emulate women, you want to be women, you dress like women to get away from your male self... so I don't believe anyone who says they'd be 100% behind it... not a chance. A one night thing is not the same... like I said, try living with it all time.

I have to say I don't live as a CD 24-7, but I can say I have dealt with the FTM at times. I have to be honest and say that all I can do is support her. She does it for fun, but I feel deep down she feels the need to get "out". So I enjoy it and embrace it!

[Leona]

EDIT: You know, this did get me thinking about acceptance though and whether women are just more tolerant. Thing is, you can't really use CDing as an example as regardless of what clothing choice women have, we DON'T CD as a rule and as a rule, CD is a male issue.


I think CDing as we do it here is mostly a male issue because society accepts women that show a more masculine side.

What about some of the other things associate with it? Shaving legs, daily face treatments, eyebrow plucking, etc.

What if your GG stopped doing that, or didn't do it very often? What if she was quite masculine in how she took care of her body? To me, that's where the real FTM stuff starts, and it's definitely where my wife is on the border, even if she's still firmly a woman. She still definitely approaches the border. She can fix things when I can't (which isn't often, but there's lots of things I can fix that she can't, but I've spent quite a few years doing that professionally), which is generally out-manning the man around. I ask her to open jar lids when I struggle, and she usually pulls it off just fine, etc. She put on pants today because she didn't want people to see that it's been so long since she shaved her legs. She wears tank tops without shaving her pits (but usually tries not to leave the house like that and appreciates it when I point it out, even if she still doesn't change her shirt). She has a beard/mustache. They're a lot thinner than mine, of course, and she usually keeps the whole thing plucked, but sometimes, she just doesn't care enough. She almost never wears makeup, and usually I'm putting it on her face when she does (but she goes through spurts wearing it to work).

She doesn't put the seat down, she leaves little hairs all over the place, forgets to put the milk back in the fridge, sits on the couch and watches SPORTS, doesn't cook, doesn't clean, etc.

And, you know, she is definitely a woman. And this is socially acceptable.

HOWEVER, in previous relationships, she's had boyfriends that really couldn't handle half of this. She had one who insisted she shave from nose to toe every day, and another who insisted she wear certain pretty girlish things to bed to sleep in.

I'll admit, I went a little over the top portraying my wife as a man, but most of it is true at some level, and I don't really have a problem with any of it. If she did it all because part of her was definitely a man that needed to come out to play every now and then, I don't think I'd see a reason to care, I really don't. I DO try to get her every now and then to CD as a man, and she says "Never!" Why not? She's got at least 75% of the stereotypical "male" bad habits. And she does 25% of the stereotypical female girly things.

But you know what? We had already known each other for quite a long time before we had our first date. I knew she was a hairy mexican chick. I knew (and had accepted her) that she was often slotted in as "one of the guys". I knew this stuff. It's not terribly attractive, but it's definitely not a turn-off for me. I was shocked to hear that she had had problems in relationships for not being girly enough. I accept her exactly as she is, knowing that deep down inside, if she were to go lesbian on me, she'd be a butch lesbian (she *is* bi....). I don't see any reason any of it matters. She's hot, she's sharp as a whip, she's really fun to be with, and, and, and... (And it really hurts to see the parts of our relationship that aren't so good, but they're getting better, she stepped up to plate finally and it seems to be a more lasting effort)

Edit:


I love this, but I want to add that I think it's mostly true about gradual changes, putting on weight or going gray. At least for me, sudden changes (such as wearing makeup & a wig) are disruptive and prevent me from seeing my partner as the same person I first met twenty-six years ago.

My wife and I went a few years without seeing each other at all (we passed information on to each other through my brother, who she kept in touch with, my ex-wife always considered this friendship threatening). I literally went from seeing her as a recently-graduated cheerleader to a chubby middle-aged mexican chick. We have worked it out that the "falling in love" part happened a long time ago and we were just too dumb to do anything about it, but transitioning from "being friends" to "being bf/gf" involved that sort of sudden change, and I still see her as the same person I met 20 years ago. Now, the changes in appearance don't involve presenting as a different gender...

[PaulaQ]

I think CDing as we do it here is mostly a male issue because society accepts women that show a more masculine side.

There are drag kings. There are also FtM TS. But other than those exceptions, of course you are right. Whether it is society or biology that makes the difference, nobody knows, but I'd bet a big heaping helpin' o' biology is involved.

The situation for men and women is just different for a variety of reasons. I don't think anyone can really say how they'll react.

Based on purely unscientific anecdotal evidence, I suspect more GM's would deal well with this than GG's tend to. I know a few dozen MtF TS girls at his point. Exactly two of them are still married. I know about six FtM TS dudes, the two of them who married men are still with their husbands, and I listened to one of the husbands talk about coming out as gay to his family now that his spouse had transitioned.

This sort of surprises me, but then again, I don't understand men, and my sample size (TS folks I know personally) is small.

Fwiw, and please take with a grain of salt, but that's been my experience. I know I was talking about TS rather than CD, but I think we'd mostly agree that for most spouses, including the awesome GG's here, CD is way easier to tolerate than a transitioning spouse.

[Jenniferathome]

...You know, this did get me thinking about acceptance though and whether women are just more tolerant.

I think you have it right Missus. Women have a greater capacity for forgiveness, tolerance, whatever you may want to call it. The funny thing to me is when I consider my wife as a cross dresser, my first thought is, "Why would she want to do that?!" I do think about this when I am dressed. The irony is not lost on me. Her capacity to allow me to be "me" when I need to is astounding. While I would accommodate my wife if she wanted to cross dress, I'd not be as good about it as she.

[TheMissus]

Leona, your wife definitely sounds like a 'tomboy' and sure, society inexplicably accepts this more of women than men. BUT, your wife doesn't wear a fake penis does she? Is she wearing padding to increase her arm muscle? A fake beard? Seriously, she's not crossdressing like everyone here. She's just being a masculine female. There are plenty of feminine men who DON'T crossdress so it's not the same issue.

Men will never really understand what we go through unless they live what Paula mentioned and their wife is FTM (a very rare situation)

Otherwise, the day men decide to wear women clothes without all the other crap (padding, wigs, make up) is the day this argument works. I doubt many here would want that though, because they're not feminine men - they're men emulating women. That's a BIG difference.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I didn't say what my thought were, because I couldn't verbalize them.

My gut reaction was that I wouldn't like it very much at all.

But upon further consideration, based on the fact that I am a CD, I would be more accepting of something different from the traditional binary gender model.

As a CD, I'm only a part time CD. I'm probably fully male 95% of the time, fully female 1% of the time, and mixed the rest of the time. By mixed, I mean shopping for girl clothes in guy mode. So, would I go out with my FtM wife while I was in girl mode? Yes. No doubt about it. Would I go out with my FtM wife while I was in guy mode. Not so sure. I'm not sure if I could handle looking gay. Would I take my FtM wife to the company Christmas party? No way! Is this hypocritical? I guess so. Would I eventually accept? or would I get a divorce? I think I would eventually accept.

But, I don't think you really know until it's reality, not just hypothetical.

[Brooklyn]

Sounds like fun IMHO.
Same here! I'd support her 110%, just imagine the trouble we could get into! Where can I find this Jen Bender?

[PaulaQ]

BTW, I realized I never really answered this question. Yeah, I'd be OK with it if my SO was a FtM crossdresser. I'd go to drag king shows with her. It'd be fun. No problems here. Hey, I don't really even like men, but for her, I'd make an exception - the relationship and person are more important anyway.



So a test would be to ask all the people who have answered in the positive if they would be as supportive if they were not CDers ... if there had never been an iota of desire for expressing anything female and if in fact, the expression of the slightest thing feminine was repulsive. Would they then support their wives' cross-gender expression?

I don't think a double hypothetical proves much of anything. What if I developed wings, and she developed a tail? I think as reasonable of a question as this is, given the audience, we can't really get much from answering it. We're already pretty far out on the limb of fantasy land.

I have a number of specific reasons why I answered yes - for one thing, my life wouldn't be the train wreck it is right now... Also, I think the sex would be awesome. If I weren't trans? ****, who knows - I'd be a totally different person. I can't even begin to guess. (What if I weren't handicapped, and were a star football player? What if I were an astronaut, or a political figure? I mean - who knows what I'd be?)

A lot of the FtM TS guys I know opine that they frankly have it easier in terms of acceptance. This is not to say they have it "easy" - oh no they do not. Just in general, they've felt like they were more accepted as "one of the guys," and had fewer hassles at work. Again, not trying to say their path is easy - it isn't, except in a relative sense, perhaps. (I'm not sure I can comment much more on that other than "if you say so dude - I dunno - what you are going through sounds pretty hard to me..."

I just don't think the situations are symmetrical for a variety of reasons, so as logical seeming of a comparison as this is, I don't really think it holds up.

[suchacutie]

We have an agreement: when my wife wants the male me, she gets him.

As long as the obverse is true, I'm fine with it.

[Lorileah]

I don't think it is hypocrisy, a lot of women aren't supportive of their SO's, so why assume a MTF CD would be supportive if the roles were reversed?

It IS hypocrisy if the CD demanded to be accepted and then did not accept the spouse... That would be the definition of hypocrisy. As Reine stated a better test would be "if you weren't a CD and your wife did this how would you react?"


She wanted to know how I would feel if she wanted to be dress and act like a man. It was one of the things I thought about a lot over time.



I would have said "go for it"

[Taylor Ray]

For me it wouldn't be an issue because I find all of those traits really sexy: hairy armpits, a handsome "look"; a hot "package". Sounds like a dream come true!

[andrea lace]

I am bi so if my SO wanted to dress as a guy and go packing it would just make life more interesting

[Ressie]

Sometimes Steffi, why not just answer your therapist honestly? Spend a little time exploring your true feelings about it rather than asking others for their view.

[sometimes_miss]

The problem is, you're preaching to the choir here. WE know that playing with the clothes is no big deal, that she'll still be the same woman when she changes back to whatever she normally wears. What we run into, is that women ARE generally not in tune with this concept, and when we display feminine characteristics, it throws their whole concept of who and what we are completely out of whack; what subconsciously she was attracted to, is suddenly all in question, which makes her feel insecure, and destabilizes your relationship because of that, as women are attracted to male behavior, male bodily motion, male shapes; not female ones. Now, if your wife started to take testosterone and make appointments with doctors to have her breasts removed, and go for SRS, then that would probably be considered a real problem.

[ReineD]

^ Sometimes_Miss, this is so true ... that the CDing destabilizes the relationship simply because women (the ones who have difficulty with it) do not understand men who wish to display feminine characteristics. Most of us know of no other men who wish to do this.

[katlee]

I would be accepting as long as it wasn't a permanent thing. If she wanted to dress as a masculine role, I think I would want to dress in a feminine role. But, all these are hypotheticals and until it happens to us we will never know.

[Stacy L]

.
It would probably go something like this.

I would ask if she was gay, wanted a sex change or go out dressed like a man or if she wanted to pick up women. I would tell her that I love her but if I had known about this before we were married I wouldn’t have married her.

Will need some time to think about it and see if I can accept it, I don’t like it but since I love her I’ll try.

She can dress when I’m not around, I’ll put up with that, I think I can anyway.

Really wish she hadn’t told me since I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, also afraid that I will slip and say something to a family member or a friend about her secret.

I married a woman, I’m not gay, I don’t want to be with a woman that looks like a man.

I don’t want to hear or talk to her about it, don’t want to see her dressed or pictures of her dressed, well maybe sometime in the future I’ll change my mind. No, No I won’t, well maybe after a while.

Maybe I’ll purchase some men’s underwear for her and give it to her for her birthday, that will show her that I’m trying to accept her dressing. But if I do that she’ll expect something for Christmas or her next birthday.

I can’t win, why did she have to tell me her secret.

The more that I think about it, it not a big deal, it’s not against the law, and it isn’t hurting anyone,
Well, it is hurting me, what was I thinking?

I’m going to pack and leave. I can’t do that, I still love her.

I’m so confused!

What will I do if she wants a sex change years from now? Why did this have to happen to us?
Why? Why? Why?

Will the cats understand, should we tell them now or later? The older one is really laid back, probably won’t have a problem with it but the younger one we will have to tell when he get older.
But what if we don’t tell him and he sees her dressed as a man, will that confuse him more?

Damn! I’m so confused right now.
Maybe I can find something on the internet and learn more about this cross-dressing thing.

I don’t think I’ll ever accept it and No, I don’t want to see your male pictures.

Well, maybe later! :brolleyes:

[franlee]

Hey if she didn't want to do it full time then so what? I would let her do it in a second flat.

This is exactly what the same as my answer! Couldn't have said it better.

[Leona]

Leona, your wife definitely sounds like a 'tomboy' and sure, society inexplicably accepts this more of women than men. BUT, your wife doesn't wear a fake penis does she? Is she wearing padding to increase her arm muscle? A fake beard? Seriously, she's not crossdressing like everyone here. She's just being a masculine female. There are plenty of feminine men who DON'T crossdress so it's not the same issue.


She doesn't wear a fake penis because we don't own one, but it's on the shopping list.

She doesn't need to wear padding for her arm muscle, she's muscular enough that she has mannish shoulders and arms. :) It's kinda hot....

As for the fake beard and other things, it's like I said, if she wanted to present as a man and pass as a man, and needed to do so on some level, I would whole-heartedly support her. And just like she wants me to man out every now and then, I'd want her to girl out every now and then. I probably would divorce over transitioning, just like she would (well, we're in Texas, our marriage would end as soon as we were both legally the same gender).

Now, if there were a way to know in advance the answers to several questions, I might support transitioning for her if and only if I got to transition also. Those questions are: Would I enjoy sex as a woman? Would she enjoy sex as a man? Would we still be attracted to each other sexually? If the answer to any of these is no, then not happening.

But if she wanted to transition, "divorce" doesn't mean the end of our relationship. It just means the end of our marriage. I would still do my best to be there for her to help and support the transitioning, and probably be the first to call her a man.

[ReineD]

I think those saying they'd be 100% for it aren't being truthful, saying and doing is one thing...

If I were a FTM CD, my partner wouldn't like it, I know this for a fact.

Same here. I tested it once. We were going out to dinner and I made absolutely no effort, like some people that I know in male mode. lol. I was wearing loose jeans, comfy top that might have had a little stain on it, no makeup, ponytail, flat shoes ... I said, "OK, let's go", to which he replied, "Are you going dressed like THAT?" I asked, "Why? Is it important to you that I look a certain way?" He replied, "No, I just thought you might feel better about yourself if you make an effort". :p

I don't imagine it would go over well if I packed and flattened out my breasts, and cut my hair short Ã* la man style.

[Amanda_Robinson]

At this point my wife and I have been through so many things together I think it would be exciting. But honestly the beard might bother me a bit I think though.

[Jenniferathome]

Same here. I tested it once. We were going out to dinner and I made absolutely no effort, like some people that I know in male mode. lol. I was wearing loose jeans, comfy top that might have had a little stain on it, no makeup, ponytail, flat shoes ... I said, "OK, let's go", to which he replied, "Are you going dressed like THAT?" I asked, "Why? Is it important to you that I look a certain way?" He replied, "No, I just thought you might feel better about yourself if you make an effort". :p

I don't imagine it would go over well if I packed and flattened out my breasts, and cut my hair short Ã* la man style.

Yep, it's easy to write that you'll be understanding but when faced with a beard and a strap on, I suspect many an understanding CD SO would faint. Women are better than us. Just the way it is.

[Leona]

If only I could talk my wife into stepping up to take the challenge....

[Jacqueline Winona]

Stacy L, that was good! Made me seriously LOL. I've thought about this one for a while. I wouldn't care for it, hypocrisy or not. But I don't think I would hold onto visceral, negative feelings after she went back to her femme mode as I don't do that with almost everything else. I probably would laugh a little at the thought of her with a beard and mustache (I get a kick out of the mustache thing with the younger crowd, no idea why but girls and younger women seem to get a have a thing about wearing a false mustache. If it made her happy, I'd probably tell her to knock herself out with it, just not all the time. It would most certainly not turn me on. I do see my wife wearing my tee shirts (pick your favorite sport and I have one from at least one team), sometimes my shorts or her own unisex shorts or sweats often and I really don't have any strong negative reactions.

[susmitha]

I would support it if it is within the privacy of the bed room. Actually, I want my genetic wife to dress as a complete man and make love to me, while I am dressed as a complete woman and acting the female role. In the privacy of the bed room, I want to be the woman in the relationship. But everything must be normal for the outside world.