Do you ever worry...

[ME2.0]

Do you ever worry where you may stop? I mean, I started out liking lingerie and makeup. I quickly outgrew that and now like daywear and stockings with heels, with more "normal" makeup. Then I started with the epilating. Now I'm into electrolysis. I'm thinking about having my eyebrows tweezed into a more androgenous look that could go with either persona. If you told me 6 years ago when I bought a pair of stockings and a garter belt that I'd be here, I would have laughed at you. Now I feel weirdly comfortable.

Hugs,

Staci

[Lorileah]

I worry about where my money will stop. I don't worry about where I will...I just enjoy the ride

[AllieSF]

Staci, I am following a similar path. Lorileah, like you, I am enjoying the ride. One thing about being older, you have a lot of real experience and somehow can easily ignore the unimportant and concentrate on what is important.

[ME2.0]

It's a funny thing that YOU, Lorileah, should reply to my thread. When I joined this forum, your avatar was one of the first ones that I saw. I wondered how I could ever get a complection like yours. Your skin is absolutely beautiful.

Your reply means a lot to me, thanks

hugs,
Staci

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Staci. Yes, I worry about that. Before mid Dec 2012, I did not own any feminine clothing. I now have about 20 pairs of heels, probably 15 dresses, a dozen skirts, a ridiculous amount of hose and stockings--and I haven't even tried makeup or wigs yet! I know I will eventually go down that road, and it does worry me. It also worries my wife, though one night she said she would help me with makeup. I have consciously not brought that up...because one I learn, I fear I will want to practice, practice, practice...then the wig, jewelry, etc. I find it as thrilling to buy items as to wear them, so as Lorileah commented, the financial part worries me too! But I just love heels...

[Lynn Marie]

"What me worry", Alfred E. Newman, Mad magazine.

My sentiments exactly.

[Beverley Sims]

Staci,
Stay weirdly comfortable and stop worrying about it.
There are other more important things to worry about.
I think. :)

[Tracii G]

I'm along for the ride and hope it never stops.

[ReineD]

Staci, do you go out dressed at all? Not to trans-clubs or safe trans-places, but out in the mainstream?

The reason I ask is that it's not uncommon to work on the presentation until you reach a point where you feel you can go out without being immediately pegged as a CDer by everyone who comes within 10 feet of you. So this does require a working wardrobe, makeup, feminine hair, getting a handle on facial hair, getting rid of the male bushy eyebrows, making the hands look more feminine by either growing your own nails or using press ons, getting your ears pierced simply because wearing clip-ons is uncomfortable. I should think that any CDer who is not constrained by non-supportive Loved Ones, who has eliminated his own internal barriers and has accepted himself as a CDer, and who feels that she does have a chance at passing reasonably well ... will work on the presentation until she feels that she can go out.

[ME2.0]

ReineD, No I don't go out dressed (except halloween). It isn't my wife, she's supportive. It's my job. I'm in the public in a conservative area that couldn't handle the truth about me. But I know it's a deadly game. Sooner or later you have to get caught. Especially when you keep pushing the envelope.

Staci

[Kate Simmons]

Since I'm retired and on a fixed income I have to have a similar approach as Lori. I just have to have the will power to say "The buck stops here", especially towards the end of the month.:)

[DebbieL]

You probably do want to look at this more seriously. If you only started 6 years ago, when you were in your late teens or early twenties when you started, and never thought about being a girl before that, and still prefer to be male in "real life", then you are probably NOT transsexual, but you ARE transgendered.

Not every cross-dresser is transgendered, and not everyone who cross-dresses will become transgendered. Fetish dressers, for example, dress in "trigger clothes" and wear them only long enough to "get off", and then can't wait to get out of the freaky clothes.

On the other hand, many of us quickly reached the point where we didn't want to "get off" right away, and didn't want to get out of the clothes after we did. We wanted to experience the sensations, the vulnerability, and the emotional experience of being feminine and beautiful, even if only in our own minds and our own mirrors.

Some, like me, were "girls" first. I didn't want to be a girl until I was 5. Before that I just WAS one of the GIRLS. I had girls as friends, liked to play with dolls, color in coloring books, liked to sew, crochet, and the other things the other girls did. When they asked me to put on girls clothes, I just did it because it was fun. It was only when I was told that I COULD NOT be a GIRL that I wanted it so much I was willing to hurt myself, or even die to get out of the prison of my male body. The trigger event that led to me being excluded was that I was wearing my friend's pretty dress, panties, tights, and Mary-Jane shoes, and really loving it. I think I was even wearing a slip. I liked the clothes, but more important was that I liked that my friend had shared them with me. I felt so relaxed, so happy, so joyful, so at peace, and so loved.

This was a time when my mother was suffering from severe depression, made worse by post-partum depression. They hadn't started giving her lithium yet, and the electro-shock wasn't working. My brother and baby sister were wearing her out. This was one of the reasons she WANTED me to go to these other girls' houses and play. When the girl's mother freaked and told the teachers, PTA mothers, and principal that I should not be allowed to play with girls because I was a "pervert", I tried to play with the boys. We were about 15 minutes into recess before we started playing "war", throwing dirt clods at each other. Suddenly, the boys on BOTH teams started throwing ROCKS they had collected and hidden in their pockets. Several hit me in the head, and one almost hit me in the eye.

With no friends, I isolated and refused to participate in class. Mom got me a library card and I started reading a LOT of books. I didn't like books about boys, and books about girls made me sad. So I ended up reading a LOT of Non-Fiction. I learned how things were made, how to cook, and about different types of animals, dinosaurs, and learned about electronics, chemistry, and even weapons - all before entering second grade. I continued to read at double my grade level until 6th grade, when I was reading adult non-fiction. In Junior High, I got my ham radio license, built my own communications equipment, and also got into rockets.

That was my "public" life. But I also secretly dressed like a girl. I'd sneak into the dirty clothes and wear my mom's Sunday Church clothes, but usually only the stockings, girdle, and slip.

I remember watching Jackie Gleason, and he had Milton Berle as a guest host. They both dressed up as ugly women, and I thought "I could be a really pretty girl, even though I'm a boy". I was about 8, and was staying at a friends house. I ended up dressing up in her clothes and really did look pretty. I think she even had a nice wig for me to try on.

After that, I started dressing "fill girl" as often as I could. Mom caught me the first time when I was 6, and after that, tried to pretend she didn't know. She knew though, and was thrilled when I started volunteering to do laundry, cook, iron, clean, vacuum, and even clean the bathroom. Since I had become the "housewife", my mom could get a job. She covertly rewarded me by telling me how she would mark clothes that would be thrown out or given away. For example, a loose knot in pantyhose meant I could keep them, even if there were no runs. A skirt or blouse on the "charity pile" meant I could add it to my own private stash. Mom would even take me shopping and let me pick out clothes for her. Some items, like "go-go boots" were obviously something she couldn't possibly wear (she had polio and a surgery had left her with an ankle the size of a grapefruit for the rest of her life). Others would get her compliments at work, but were unsuitable for church or visiting her Fundamentalist Christian parents.

What I DIDN'T know until just before my dad died, was that she was trying to PROTECT me. Back on those days, the "Cure" for transsexuals was electro-shock. If that didn't work a lobotomy was the next logical step. They realized that transsexuals could become self destructive (trying to mutilate their genitals), and suicidal (reincarnation into girl's body), but doctors could lose their medical licenses for "mutilating" boys by giving them hormones or genital surgery.

You might want to look at your own history. Was there a time when you were "one of the girls"? Was there a time when you'd rather play with girls than boys? Was there a time when you wanted to be "pretty"? Was there a time when you wanted to grow your hair long so you could be a girl too?

If not, you are probably not transsexual, but you can still enjoy the entire experience of being beautiful and feminine. You can do it for an hour, a night, or even an entire week-end. Enjoy.

If you begin to think that you'd really like to spend the rest of your life in stockings, skirts, and heels, along with a push-up bra filled with only your own flesh, you might want to seek gender counseling to determine whether you might be transsexual. If the thought of spending the next 40-50 years in a man's body, dressing as a man, acting like a man, and having mostly man friends, makes you want to run out and fix yourself a "prestone cocktail" or similar deadly poison, then you should IMMEDIATELY call the gender counselor!

I've been there, got the T-Shirt. You don't want to go there alone.

[Angie G]

I'm where I want to be. I fully dress head to toe. And my wife is o.k. with it as long as she get her husband on the weekends even keep my legs and under arms shaved 24/7.:hugs:
Angie G

[SophieKitty]

Do you ever worry where you may stop? I mean, I started out liking lingerie and makeup.

I don't worry about being myself, I've gone for months, hell I've gone for 14 years without even desiring what I desired at 13, seriously I wasn't longing for it whatsoever. But now I am, and I wouldn't be surprised if in another 14 years I'll suddenly switch. It happened when i ate too much peanut butter too, or stopped taking sugar in my tea. So I'm just going to be me, and enjoy being me whether it's Sophie or not. *cuddles Staci* So relax and enjoy yourself no-matter what your identity today, tomorrow or next year may hold :-)


@ Debbie You have a very moving story, truly inspirational. I'm a screenwriter and your story I'd love to tell, have an extra special cuddle from me.

[TheMissus]

DebbieL, that's actually a very sad story, yet oddly uplifting? Your mother sounds like an amazing woman.

Anyway, I can't explain why your story touched me so much today but I think it's the part where you never realized you WEREN'T a girl until everyone told you. I can't imagine the pain of being born in the wrong body (i obviously take being a GG for granted) and not actually knowing this until you're 5. I look at my own young kids and hope they don't feel such pain in their lives.

Anyway, thanks for sharing. It amazes me what courageous people I encounter here.

[Rhonda Darling]

Debbie L.

Wow! Extremely well written and revealing of your formative years. You triggered some very old deep memories of my own early years. In early elementary school a girl friend in the neighborhood had a play house (probably 8'x10' inside, real door, real windows w/ shades, and lots of dolls, play stove, girls toys, etc). I spent hours at a time playing girl stuff w/her and other neighborhood girls. I vaguely recall that as I got older, her mother started to do things to push me out of that realm and exclude me. I've gotta dig deeper into these memories. Thanks for a great addition to this post.

Rhonda

[stephNE]

I do worry about the financing. I'm not quite ready to retire yet, maybe I'll never be able to. No savings, no pension plan, etc. Everything is expensive, and being a CD really takes a hit on the bank account.

[BLUE ORCHID]

H Staci, I've been dressing for over sixty six years and I don't see anything changing anytime soon.

[samanthasolo]

I have been at this for so long there is no worry. My wife is accepting and supportive, I have become accepting and comfortable that I am a TG/CD. The only worry I have is that I don't get out dressed as much as I would like. If it feels good go out and do it. One thing is for sure is that dressing is something that does not go away. There may be lulls and stretches of time where it is not feasible but it is always in the front of your mind when the next time is going to be. So I went to an event last March with my wife, well it's been a long while. I bought some new capris and a pair of flats and this girl and my girl are getting out this weekend. Shopping mall, dinner, a quick change back at the hotel, and then out to a CD party for the rest of the evening. What is to worry about? Other than when we can do it again!!!!

[WandaRae2009]

You are not alone. if I had the money I would go for laser and or electro. It is an evolution not that much different than other progressions in our lives.

[Alexis.j]

Umm, thought about it a few times before, but it doesn't bother me much anymore, or at least I try to not let it bother me.. I'm enjoying the ride, and it makes me happy, and its a major part if me now, and for the ppl that don't like it, im not begging for them to approve.

[NicoleScott]

Everyone's path is different. Two people with a similar past may have a very different future. Some who in their past dressed for excitement may now dress for relaxation or to blend. Others with a similar past may now dress to increase that excitement. There isn't just one way to CD, and there isn't just one end game.

[kimdl93]

To the OP, I really don't worry about where this will end...it will end when I breath my last breath. But I think your question relates to an apprehension that you are clearly progressing to higher levels of involvement. And an apprehension that one day you'll want to go full time, etc.

I understand the concern. There was a time when I had the same apprehensions. In my case I stopped having those worries when I came to really, truly accept myself. I'm reasonably self aware and recognize that in my case I am transgendered...but not quite TS. I don't have GID...I can live somewhere in between, although I prefer living as a woman. Over time the percentage of my life spent as a woman has gone well past half way and honestly I suspect I'll be nearer but not quite full time once I retire.

My real point, though, is that you have to find your own comfort level and be open to the possibility that it may change a bit over time.

[DDee]

Never worry where it will stop!!! It a long road I guess.

DDee

[SheriM]

I don't worry where this will lead. I have a good wife and good kids, therefore could not make the transition. Just not willing to lose their respect. However, I do feel that I have missed something by not succumbing to "fully dressing" long ago. I am now too old to wear mini skirts - too old to present as "sexy", flaunting a short skirt, sexy legs, etc. The best I can do now is a knee length or just above the knee skirt with heels, etc and present a "dressed up" woman. I would not trade my family life for anything but certainly do wish I could try this life again as an attractive woman.
SheriM

[Tina B.]

Staci, so you have been dressing for 6 years, of course in that time it is going to change. After all when you first start, you know so little about it, what to wear, what makes you feel good, it's all a trail and error type thing, most of us don't get anyone to show us how, or what to buy, we learn it on our own.
When all you had was panties, bra, and nylons, how could you know how you would feel wearing a slip and a dress. You didn't, you couldn't, not until you did it.
And of course if you like what you see in that mirror, you will want to add to the look until it's complete.
I've been doing this at least 60 years longer than you, and for me, it did level off after a while, but of course on retirement, it has grown to a lot more than I used to dress, but that's just because I can now, not that the desire has grown, it was always there, just not enough hours in a day.
We all find our place on the scale at some point, and you will know how far you need to go, no one else can tell you what the spot is, but you will know it when you get there. no use to worry, it will be what it will be. You will either give into it, or you can fight it, but you will know it! True happiness comes when you stop resisting the temptations and just go with what feels natural to you.

[ReineD]

I'm in the public in a conservative area that couldn't handle the truth about me. But I know it's a deadly game. Sooner or later you have to get caught. Especially when you keep pushing the envelope.

So it's your job that is keeping you closeted. It's one of your external barriers. Tell me, if you won a trip to a city where you know no one, plus you won two extra large suitcases (:D) do you think that if your makeup skills were good, that you would venture out dressed at all?

Again the reason I ask is, wanting to go out is a natural progression for the CDers who have eliminated their external barriers (concerns over jobs and relationships, discovering safe places to crossdress like the next town over), and who have eliminated their internal barriers (a general lack of self-acceptance, shame, guilt, or fear they will not pass). So if those barriers are eliminated, it is quite 'normal' to make strides toward presenting female as realistically as possible.

[linda allen]

"Do you ever worry where you may stop?"

Nope. It will stop when and where I decide to stop it. I control what I do with my body.

[sometimes_miss]

"Do you ever worry where you may stop?"
Nope. It 'stopped' about 40 years ago. firmly set in simple outfits. Tried fancy, didn't work, or feel right. Doesn't feel right wearing man clothes right now, but I'm trying to get used to it. One day at a time...........

[JamieTG]

Because I have anxiety disorders I worry obsessively about it. Uncertainty drives me crazy and not knowing how long my TS feelings are going keep getting stronger causes constant worry. Its pretty much all I think about and I wish I could find a way to give my mind a break.

[PretzelGirl]

Worrying about where it will stop is probably not healthy. Wondering where it will stop is perfectly natural. I suspect for me it will keep moving until I am permanently laid out.

[Kelly Smith]

"Weirdly comfortable" says it pretty well. I have no worries that my dressing will go farther because I already present as a woman. Dressing has gone as far as it can go.

[Launa]

Where will it stop...Maybe once the transition happens, haha

[Wildaboutheels]

Not in the least but I am ONLY a "hobbyist" and it never compels or controls me.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?198568-Are-you-at-least-a-little-WORRIED/page2

[PaulaQ]

Not in the least but I am ONLY a "hobbyist" and it never compels or controls me.


How d'ya know for sure. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "yeah, I can quite drinking anytime I want to!" I'd have a million bucks... Just joshing you a bit - your feminine expression really does seem pretty darn limited. Perhaps near the end of your life you'll have uncontrollably progressed to cute ankle socks or something... ;)

[TheMissus]

- your feminine expression really does seem pretty darn limited.

Paula, my H is like WAH. It's ME who has the obsessive thoughts and concern for the future. He's content doing the same 'hobby' he's been doing for almost 40 years.

I hate this though, as if I'm not careful it will be ME chatting to the gender counsellor about my H's future while my H continues on not worrying. Sometimes I really despise my silly over-thinking head!!

Sigh.

[PaulaQ]

Hey Missus, I know it probably doesn't help, but if your H is like WAH, he's quite unlikely to ever go very far with being a CD, much less transition. Regardless, though, there isn't anything you can do about it, so why worry? I mean (god forbid) but he could die in an auto accident next month. Can you prevent that? No. Do you worry about it? (Hope not.) It's sort of like that. If it happens, it happens.

It doesn't seem like the most probable outcome, anyway. (Crossing my fingers for the both of you, for what it's worth.)

edit: BTW, his non-worry about it is, in my opinion, it's unlikely to get any worse. It isn't the positive emotions from CD'ing you need to watch out for - it's the negative ones, in my opinion.