Anne2345
08-21-2013, 02:17 PM
The concept of normalcy, and those things that define that which is perceived to be normal, is interesting, if not complicated, and varies across the board.
Even without the benefit of having conducted any polling or studies, though, I would guess that probably most people find and consider most things in life to be normal.
For example, it’s normal for most folk to hate Mondays because it typically signifies the end of their respective free time away from the work place.
It’s normal for most people to shy away from the company of zombies due to fear of being eaten or turned.
It’s normal for folk to love Star Wars Episode IV, but hate Star Wars Episode I. Because, well, Episode IV was brilliant (although Episode V was technically better), but Episode I was god awful and just plain sucked. Freaking Jar Jar Binks!! WTF was THAT about, Mr. Lucas??!! WTF could you possibly have been thinking??!! Ugh.
And it’s normal for people to love bacon. Bacon is, after all, bacon. Given that bacon speaks for itself in its bacony awesomeness, I need not say anything other than just bacon.
Likewise, there are certain things that folk (collectively as a society or community) consider to be abnormal.
Engaging in acts of arson is not only unlawful, it is abnormal.
Having sex with farm animals is viewed by most parts of the world to be abnormal.
Thinking that featuring ewoks in Star Wars Episode VI was a good idea is definitely abnormal. I mean COME ON, people!!! Like stupid, small, furry, little fuzzy thingy-ma-jobs with sticks and stones could defeat the Imperial’s best Storm Troopers??!! Again, WTF were you thinking, Mr. Lucas??!! Gah!! I hate ewoks almost as much as I hate Jar Jar Binks. ****ing Jar Jar ****ing Binks and ****ing ewoks!!! Even though I have lost some of my previous "dude" strength from almost a year of HRT I could still collectively kick all of their stupid asses by myself with my bare ****ing hands!!! Use of the Force would be totally unnecessary and complete overkill!!! ARRrrrggggghhhh!!!! Damn you, Mr. Lucas!!! DAMN YOU!!!
<<breathe in deeply, hold, breathe out slowly, relax, breathe in deeply, hold, breathe out slowly, relax, breathe in deeply, hold, breathe out slowly, relax>>.
And, of course, being transsexual is viewed by society as being abnormal.
Just to acknowledge for the record, though, that just because something or someone is abnormal, or lacks a certain amount of normalcy, does not automatically make that thing or person wrong or bad. Many abnormal things or people are widely celebrated, and rightfully so. This post, however, is not about such things or people.
Rather, this post is about (surprise, surprise) me, and whether I consider my own sense of identity and being transsexual to be normal or abnormal.
In this regard, I consider it to be an important question, and that it is necessary to be able to distinguish between the two. It is critical, I believe, for any of us to know who we really are in the here and now, and what it all means. Such things affect every part and aspect of our respective lives.
As such, I have noticed lately a definite and palpable shift in how I perceive and view myself. As I am wont to do, and as y'all know, I have the occasional emotional meltdowns and fall completely apart. And typically, for better or worse, I write about these things here. With recent meltdowns, though, something has been different. Very different. So different, in fact, that I have felt strongly compelled to figure out the difference.
To premise the answer, though, like many here, for most of my life, I have fought a vigorous and tireless campaign against myself and who I am. Like society does in general, I viewed transsexuals as abnormal, and the last thing I wanted to be was abnormal. At least, I didn't want to be abnormal like that . . . .
So I continued to fight, fight, fight against myself, year after year after year. It was normal for me to do so. I did not question it, because I could not allow myself to question it. I placed all of my energy in trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be in the eyes' of society - normal.
Of course, as story after story after story on this forum has confirmed, my attempt to deny and suppress myself was doomed to failure from the very beginning. In this, my story is no different than any other story here.
Ultimately, it all came down to acknowledging and accepting that I was transsexual, or becoming just another transsexual suicide statistic. Fortunately, I chose the former, and did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life to date - I said the words out loud and acknowledged that I am transsexual.
But looking back on that major victory, and it was a major victory, I can see now that I still very much perceived myself to be abnormal, and had yet to truly accept myself. In fact, even though I did not recognize it for what it was at the time, I continued the battle against myself for a long time thereafter.
From all those long, hard-fought internal conflicts, I have suffered many battle scars and self-inflicted psychological injuries. Still, I have learned much of value about myself, and life in general, from this war.
Lea recently wrote about feeling normal. I have thought much about her writing. Kathryn earlier this year wrote to me about similar things, and some of these concepts. I thought at the time that I understood her meaning and her words. Looking back on it, though, it is clear to me that I did not.
Now, however, I see things in a completely different light. Through recent life experiences, HRT, tons and tons of therapy, and support from my friends within the TS community, to name just a few reasons and resources, I finally recognize that the occasional meltdowns I suffer now really have nothing to do with me being transsexual and perceiving myself to be abnormal.
Instead, I have come to recognize that the battles I fight now are external in nature.
Because the reality is that I no longer view myself as being abnormal. Instead, I now see myself as being completely normal to me. Indeed, I have actually viewed myself as being normal for some time now, even though I didn’t fully appreciate it for what it was or meant until just recently.
And you know what? I really, really like feeling and experiencing this sense of normalcy. I do not want to lose it. It has taken me my lifetime to acquire. I will not let go of it again, and I shall strive to reinforce it and make it stronger, more durable, and forever lasting.
I am currently in the process of transition. Much of what I do is geared towards transition, or with transition in the back of my mind. I am planning, I am plotting, I am doing, and although I still have many details to work out, I very much believe I will transition.
Even more so, I really like me now. I like who I am on the inside. True, my outsides have yet to match my insides, but that's neither here nor there for purposes of this post.
Still, I feel that I have to transition. I feel that, in the end, I have no choice. But the difference now is that I want to be that person that does this. I want to be me. I need to be me, and I accept this about myself now. I accept myself so because now I know that I am normal. This is who I am, and who I need and want to be.
In arriving at this conclusion, and going back to what I did not understand earlier, is that I know the game I have been playing the past few years has now completely changed. I am no longer fighting against myself. Instead, I am fighting for myself.
In this, my battle is no longer internal. Rather, those issues that I now fight come from and are based in the external world.
Primarily, these external issues involve my marriage, family, job, and community where I reside. I am under no illusions – these are difficult issues to work through, indeed. But, I view these concerns as issues that can be resolved, and will be resolved, one way or another. Hopefully with minimal collateral damage.
Regardless, knowing this now, recognizing it for what it really is, has drastically narrowed down and framed the remaining issues for me. And this is critical. This places all that remains in its proper context. Although it will be hard, and undoubtedly much harder than I can imagine, just the fact that I have limited the scope of that which remains makes this doable in a manner that was simply impossible before.
After all, and as I have done in the past, it’s all too easy to become overwhelmed and paralyzed by these things and the cards that life has dealt us. It's all too easy to give in and to flail around without direction, blind to all around, and spinning away without hope in a dark, chaotic maelstrom of deep depression, dark pain, and unforgiving despair.
But, as they say, no pain, no gain. And this shit ain't easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
It's much harder, in fact, to make things better than to just let things fall apart and give up. It's much harder to work through the issues, find and achieve resolution, and make all of this and life work. At least for me it's been harder.
But let me tell ya, even though I still have far to go, it's been well worth the battle. It's been well worth the pain. It's been well worth the mental scars. The uncertainty of my future notwithstanding, I am a much, much better person today than I ever have been before in my life, and I am a much stronger person than I have ever been before.
And I am beginning to feel so freaking normal on the inside that's it's insane!! I can't go back from this. I won't go back from this. This evolution, the transformation, simply astounds me, and I am chock full of resolve to continue on. I have hope. Hope that life can be for me as it is for most everybody else - normal.
Even without the benefit of having conducted any polling or studies, though, I would guess that probably most people find and consider most things in life to be normal.
For example, it’s normal for most folk to hate Mondays because it typically signifies the end of their respective free time away from the work place.
It’s normal for most people to shy away from the company of zombies due to fear of being eaten or turned.
It’s normal for folk to love Star Wars Episode IV, but hate Star Wars Episode I. Because, well, Episode IV was brilliant (although Episode V was technically better), but Episode I was god awful and just plain sucked. Freaking Jar Jar Binks!! WTF was THAT about, Mr. Lucas??!! WTF could you possibly have been thinking??!! Ugh.
And it’s normal for people to love bacon. Bacon is, after all, bacon. Given that bacon speaks for itself in its bacony awesomeness, I need not say anything other than just bacon.
Likewise, there are certain things that folk (collectively as a society or community) consider to be abnormal.
Engaging in acts of arson is not only unlawful, it is abnormal.
Having sex with farm animals is viewed by most parts of the world to be abnormal.
Thinking that featuring ewoks in Star Wars Episode VI was a good idea is definitely abnormal. I mean COME ON, people!!! Like stupid, small, furry, little fuzzy thingy-ma-jobs with sticks and stones could defeat the Imperial’s best Storm Troopers??!! Again, WTF were you thinking, Mr. Lucas??!! Gah!! I hate ewoks almost as much as I hate Jar Jar Binks. ****ing Jar Jar ****ing Binks and ****ing ewoks!!! Even though I have lost some of my previous "dude" strength from almost a year of HRT I could still collectively kick all of their stupid asses by myself with my bare ****ing hands!!! Use of the Force would be totally unnecessary and complete overkill!!! ARRrrrggggghhhh!!!! Damn you, Mr. Lucas!!! DAMN YOU!!!
<<breathe in deeply, hold, breathe out slowly, relax, breathe in deeply, hold, breathe out slowly, relax, breathe in deeply, hold, breathe out slowly, relax>>.
And, of course, being transsexual is viewed by society as being abnormal.
Just to acknowledge for the record, though, that just because something or someone is abnormal, or lacks a certain amount of normalcy, does not automatically make that thing or person wrong or bad. Many abnormal things or people are widely celebrated, and rightfully so. This post, however, is not about such things or people.
Rather, this post is about (surprise, surprise) me, and whether I consider my own sense of identity and being transsexual to be normal or abnormal.
In this regard, I consider it to be an important question, and that it is necessary to be able to distinguish between the two. It is critical, I believe, for any of us to know who we really are in the here and now, and what it all means. Such things affect every part and aspect of our respective lives.
As such, I have noticed lately a definite and palpable shift in how I perceive and view myself. As I am wont to do, and as y'all know, I have the occasional emotional meltdowns and fall completely apart. And typically, for better or worse, I write about these things here. With recent meltdowns, though, something has been different. Very different. So different, in fact, that I have felt strongly compelled to figure out the difference.
To premise the answer, though, like many here, for most of my life, I have fought a vigorous and tireless campaign against myself and who I am. Like society does in general, I viewed transsexuals as abnormal, and the last thing I wanted to be was abnormal. At least, I didn't want to be abnormal like that . . . .
So I continued to fight, fight, fight against myself, year after year after year. It was normal for me to do so. I did not question it, because I could not allow myself to question it. I placed all of my energy in trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be in the eyes' of society - normal.
Of course, as story after story after story on this forum has confirmed, my attempt to deny and suppress myself was doomed to failure from the very beginning. In this, my story is no different than any other story here.
Ultimately, it all came down to acknowledging and accepting that I was transsexual, or becoming just another transsexual suicide statistic. Fortunately, I chose the former, and did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life to date - I said the words out loud and acknowledged that I am transsexual.
But looking back on that major victory, and it was a major victory, I can see now that I still very much perceived myself to be abnormal, and had yet to truly accept myself. In fact, even though I did not recognize it for what it was at the time, I continued the battle against myself for a long time thereafter.
From all those long, hard-fought internal conflicts, I have suffered many battle scars and self-inflicted psychological injuries. Still, I have learned much of value about myself, and life in general, from this war.
Lea recently wrote about feeling normal. I have thought much about her writing. Kathryn earlier this year wrote to me about similar things, and some of these concepts. I thought at the time that I understood her meaning and her words. Looking back on it, though, it is clear to me that I did not.
Now, however, I see things in a completely different light. Through recent life experiences, HRT, tons and tons of therapy, and support from my friends within the TS community, to name just a few reasons and resources, I finally recognize that the occasional meltdowns I suffer now really have nothing to do with me being transsexual and perceiving myself to be abnormal.
Instead, I have come to recognize that the battles I fight now are external in nature.
Because the reality is that I no longer view myself as being abnormal. Instead, I now see myself as being completely normal to me. Indeed, I have actually viewed myself as being normal for some time now, even though I didn’t fully appreciate it for what it was or meant until just recently.
And you know what? I really, really like feeling and experiencing this sense of normalcy. I do not want to lose it. It has taken me my lifetime to acquire. I will not let go of it again, and I shall strive to reinforce it and make it stronger, more durable, and forever lasting.
I am currently in the process of transition. Much of what I do is geared towards transition, or with transition in the back of my mind. I am planning, I am plotting, I am doing, and although I still have many details to work out, I very much believe I will transition.
Even more so, I really like me now. I like who I am on the inside. True, my outsides have yet to match my insides, but that's neither here nor there for purposes of this post.
Still, I feel that I have to transition. I feel that, in the end, I have no choice. But the difference now is that I want to be that person that does this. I want to be me. I need to be me, and I accept this about myself now. I accept myself so because now I know that I am normal. This is who I am, and who I need and want to be.
In arriving at this conclusion, and going back to what I did not understand earlier, is that I know the game I have been playing the past few years has now completely changed. I am no longer fighting against myself. Instead, I am fighting for myself.
In this, my battle is no longer internal. Rather, those issues that I now fight come from and are based in the external world.
Primarily, these external issues involve my marriage, family, job, and community where I reside. I am under no illusions – these are difficult issues to work through, indeed. But, I view these concerns as issues that can be resolved, and will be resolved, one way or another. Hopefully with minimal collateral damage.
Regardless, knowing this now, recognizing it for what it really is, has drastically narrowed down and framed the remaining issues for me. And this is critical. This places all that remains in its proper context. Although it will be hard, and undoubtedly much harder than I can imagine, just the fact that I have limited the scope of that which remains makes this doable in a manner that was simply impossible before.
After all, and as I have done in the past, it’s all too easy to become overwhelmed and paralyzed by these things and the cards that life has dealt us. It's all too easy to give in and to flail around without direction, blind to all around, and spinning away without hope in a dark, chaotic maelstrom of deep depression, dark pain, and unforgiving despair.
But, as they say, no pain, no gain. And this shit ain't easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
It's much harder, in fact, to make things better than to just let things fall apart and give up. It's much harder to work through the issues, find and achieve resolution, and make all of this and life work. At least for me it's been harder.
But let me tell ya, even though I still have far to go, it's been well worth the battle. It's been well worth the pain. It's been well worth the mental scars. The uncertainty of my future notwithstanding, I am a much, much better person today than I ever have been before in my life, and I am a much stronger person than I have ever been before.
And I am beginning to feel so freaking normal on the inside that's it's insane!! I can't go back from this. I won't go back from this. This evolution, the transformation, simply astounds me, and I am chock full of resolve to continue on. I have hope. Hope that life can be for me as it is for most everybody else - normal.