No other term than 'help me please'

[Harley_Quinn]

I just read Sophies thread and was going to reply in there but I didn't want to confuse the 2 and as I have specifically come here to ask for help I thought I should post my own even though it is similar.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?199736-Identity-Help!

I don't know what I am but I wish I was female. I came here a few months ago, introduced myself and left because I can't identify myself with anyone and I also have intimacy issues so this is quite an ask for me but I really have no idea what to do or where to turn to and I thank God for the relative anonymity of the internet.

I started Cross Dressing when I was a teen but it was only underwear and for the first few times it was also sexually exciting (being a horny teenager). I stopped when I got married and I used to dress up my very beautiful wife instead and never put 2 and 2 together until we divorced and I miss everything feminine. I have had a few girlfriends since but none of them were very feminine (or attractive) and I started to cross dress again (6 years ago) except now it is full outfits and few of them are sexy or for intimate reasons and in fact most are every day clothes that women wear.

I don't have friends (I have 2 but one is a work colleague and the other is an ex girlfriend) and I spend as much of my time hidden behind curtains in the clothes I love to wear and make me feel happy and content.

All my life I have never been one of the guys, I hate sports and I love chick flicks, my bedroom is shabby chic and laced with flowers and dresses. I have always got on better with women and if I can avoid being one of the guys then I will. When I am dressed as a man you would never expect my other half, I am well dressed and groomed and act like a fella does.

I don't care about labeling, I am who I am and I just want to be who I am outside and not just in my house scared that my daughter may walk in (she doesn't live with me but comes un-announced and if I don't reply then she looks through the window and when I do let her in I am terrified she will find something she shouldn't).

Now to the crux, I am ugly, I was once told I was the ugliest man someone had ever met. I know people say ignore it but you see the way people react and how cut off you feel when you are like I am and ugly to boot. In my womens clothes I feel beautiful, I feel at home and I am tired and exhausted pretending to be a man but there are other things making it even more complicated for me. If it was as simple (I use simple loosely I know it would be hard and fraught with difficulties) as changing sex then I would know what I am and who I want to be but the fact is, I would then just be an ugly woman or a bloke in a dress and considering I would probably still be alone I wouldn't be able to go outside still.

I have no problems having a penis as genitalia to me does not define me as a man and I am 90% hetro (who can resist lady boys etc they are gorgeous but otherwise I don't find men attractive) but I would dearly like to have everything that's associated with being a woman, hips, crying at movies, actually feeling something is cute and not just knowing it is, breasts, soft skin, soft hair, beautiful clothes, a figure, the list goes on.

I don't have a girlfriend at the moment because I feel so ugly, I never have and never will believe that someone can find me attractive as I am because I do not see it and I do not feel it (I believed my wife but then I also believed she wouldn't leave me for someone my daughters age lol). When I am wearing my clothes I look down, I see a woman and I am happy. I NEVER look at my head when I am dressed because then I just get depressed and get drunk knowing I can never be what I want to be.

I am NOT after sympathy, this is a cry for help but not a needy I cry for help I would love to talk to a counselor or something but all roads lead to the G.P and I don't know mine. I haven't been to the doctors an 7 years and my G.P has changed 3 times since then...

I live in the UK and the advice I find is either tacky, not complete, very amature, or someone is trying to sell something like prosthetics, or make overs twice the price of a woman's make over (no offence but what's the point of fake boobs you have to wear like a bra, I just don't get that) or it's professional if you pay through the nose or again, go see your G.P. I just want to talk to someone from the U.K who is trans and can talk to me so I can decide if I should live in despair or is there a rainbow of hope for someone as dysfunctional as me.

I still ascertain this is a great forum and that's why I have returned, you are all wonderful and brave souls and I hope your lives are as full and complete as you deserve. :)

[Beverley Sims]

Harley,
So much to say and a little confusing.
If you start posting and ask specific questions and relate your circumstances a little at a time you will get more accurate answers.
I could only speak generally at the moment as your post contains a lot more information than I want to absorb and reply to in one post.
A lot of the detail needs considered answers and if you ask little by little you will get the considered answers that you need.

[Jenniferathome]

So what do you want from this group?

[Tamara Croft]

Nigella one of our staff is TS, maybe she can help you, she's also in the UK as am I, but I'm female :)

I think it sucks that someone called you that, they don't realise how hurtful they are being :( You shouldn't have to live in despair, not with a forum full of members who can help you :) Where abouts in the UK are you? you can PM me once you have another post and talk to me there if you want :hugs:


So what do you want from this group?Help obviously :rolleyes:

[Jenniferathome]

Help obviously :rolleyes:

Yes, obviously but there is no direction., too nebulous. Help feeling better about himself? Help finding a doctor? Help with makeup? Need more detail.

[Tamara Croft]

I just want to talk to someone from the U.K who is trans and can talk to me so I can decide if I should live in despair or is there a rainbow of hope for someone as dysfunctional as me.I think that is pretty good direction, don't you?

[biggirlsarah]

Hi Haley, firstly reading between the lines you seem to be in a desperate situation, where are you in the UK ? , I am in the UK and maybe able to offer a little help , please private message me and we can talk. Sarah xxx

[Marleena]

A new member panicking with gender issues looking for help from UK members is what I see.

[Debra Russell]

I think with a little more exploration you may find a support group and they will help you find a way to see yourself more clearly. Please don't dispair - no one is ugly - stay with us and talk you are not alone......................Debra

[Barbra P]

Hi

I’m sorry but I’m not from the UK and I don’t fully understand how your health care system works. I’ve been seeing a Therapist for a little over two years and my Therapist can’t divulge anything I tell her to my G.P.; my G.P. does know that I cross dress.

Do you in fact have to have a referral from a G.P. in order to see a Counselor, or better yet a Therapist? If so tell the G.P. that you are deeply depressed and you would like to talk with a Therapist. You don’t have to mention your crossdressing just tell him/her about your depression. Reading in your post tells me that you are suffering from depression so I don’t see telling a G.P. that you are suffering from depression should be a problem. Besides suffering from depression I think you also have a lack of self-esteem and a Therapist should be able to help you with that as well. I do think you need professional help, I just don’t know how to tell you to seek such help in the UK.

Maybe one of the UK members can suggest how you can get the professional help that you obviously need.

I wish you well, and hope someone here has some answers for you.

Babs

[Tracii G]

You need to find a support group in your area.They can give you the help you need on a face to face level.
Post questions here too and make some friends here that are in close proximity and go meet them.
No one is ugly remember that, ugly is what happens to ones heart.

[devida]

I've been thinking about your post all afternoon and remembering my own self loathing many years ago and that of people I knew who disliked themselves as much as you state you dislike yourself. I remembered a technique I learned half a lifetime ago and taught to my wife and to many others. It's a very simple method that is quite hard to do. It requires, at the beginning, a lot of courage. My SO read this and suggests that I emphasize this. It is very difficult to do and requires a ton of courage unless, of course, you are the type of person who doesn't need to do it. Then it's easy. Here it is:

Find a good mirror, preferably full length but it does not have to be, but make sure it's big enough to get at least your face and torso. Stand, or sit before it. Look at yourself directly. At first this may be uncomfortable, but soldier on! Look directly into your own eyes and say, out loud, "I love you, you ugly son of a bitch!" Do this at least three times. Do it at least three times a day for the next three months or until it's true. As soon as you can after you say it, give your hand and arm a great big kiss, or a few. Smile at yourself, or even better, laugh. Hug yourself. A great big hug. When you get to the point that you can say this and easily laugh, drop the "son of a bitch" and just say "I love you." You can get all weird about this if you like. Get dressed up! Tell yourself you are the sexiest thing you know (you know, you sexy thing, that it's true).

I absolutely and positively guarantee that if you do this amazingly wonderful things will start to happen. I can barely go by a mirror without thinking how fine I am, and it has been thirty years since I started doing this exercise. The most amazing thing is that other people start acting differently towards you. They start thinking that you actually are interesting, and maybe even, gasp, kinda sexy!

[Harley_Quinn]

I apologise for the lengthy post and thank you for your replies. I am quite a level headed person for the most part and I tried to stop but it just kept going. It's like a flood gate opened and as I was already posting I thought I would try to get as much into one post so you didn't have to ask too many questions.

I would imagine that 90% of the people who read my post are or were male, if you have ever read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' then you will know that it's frustrating for a man when he doesn't get a direct question, something he can point at and say 'ah there's your problem' where as women don't want to solve problems, they just like to discuss and share the burden. I, confusingly seem to be doing both, I want to share and I want answers but don't worry if you don't know, I appreciate that you listened.

You must have at some stage in your life known what would make you happy but had no idea how to get it or even if it was possible? I feel I am asking for the impossible and I have thought about it for so long and I am so afraid that the answer is in fact that it's not possible unless I am stinking rich.

Yes I am depressed, not to the point of suicide or I am glum all day but I have been depressed more or less for over 10 years and not just in relation to this subject and in fact I am concerned that me wanting to be a woman and even having plastic surgery to change my face, is a way of ending this life and starting anew. While you have all been replying I went out with my friend and we got chatting and I said 'I can't think of anything in my life that I don't want to change', something I hadn't realised before.

I am below average on the attractive scale if there was one, couple that with me never ever thinking any man looks nice add 2 cups of 'scraping the bottom of the barrel' esteem and even though I am quite fun, a nice bloke who never hurt anyone yet I have no friends, there must be something about me that's detestable and considering I think I am ugly, I deduce it must be that.
I am a qualified Bricklayer, plumber, mechanic, I excelled at college and every job I have ever had, the boss has always come to me for advice and yet I am in retail at the lowest level stocking shelves at 41 years of age, I have gone for every advancement opportunity in every job I have had and never got above ground level and most recently a 17 year old school leaver has been made to be my supervisor, he didn't want the job, he didn't apply for the job but they gave him the job over me ..

Devida, I will try your idea, I have done something similar before but it was to write a list of all the good things about yourself and read them every day, thank you and to everyone else

I live in the North West of the U.K near Blackburn.

Thank you for your replies, I am absorbing it and will return.

Btw, did you know that Peacocks do size 9 ladies shoes? So do ASDA and at normal prices, loving my new ankle boots lol

[Wendy me]

"for someone as dysfunctional as me.... your in luck i think i wrote a few chapters in that book .... look your probly more ok than you think read talk and listen to like minded persons . you will be ok just slow down and rember not everyone travles the same path .. no need to rush or do something silly be you .... free your minde and you ass will follow...... took me a while but i can say i am truly happy and the rest of the world can stick it ..... Wendy is happy... you can be too.............