For those CDers with SO/spouse...

[gatorgirl]

Still kind of new here...and this is still so new for me. Early on in coming out to your SO, did you have any expectations of how you would like your relationship to be from that point? I know each relationship and situation is different, so I'm curious about the different answers.

Me and my CD-BF have hardly scratched the surface of boundaries and expectations, as family time has not allowed us a lot of time for us lately. But hope to talk more next week and figure out a baseline for us to start and then go from there...

I know we will come together in our own path, but wondering about the journey with your SO to where you are today.

Thank you!!!

[Lorileah]

did you have any expectations of how you would like your relationship to be from that point?

With my wife I expected MORE sex....didn't happen (I was in my 20's). With my GF I expected her to run...didn't happen

[Julie Gaum]

Gator, may I suggest that you should not only ask the oh so many questions that you want answers to on this section of the Forum but that you also look into the FAB (female at birth) section for the many gg members who have been there - done that. I'm sure it will be an exciting, and a happy, time in your new life together.
Julie

[gatorgirl]

Thanks Julie...I'm working on that! :)

[Sarah Beth]

With my wife it started out as total disbelief and unacceptance. Then over time she gradually realized that it was a part of me that wasn't going away and didn't really detract any from our relationship. She still sometimes has some difficulty with the idea but the for most when she sees me as Sarah its fine we just gone as we normally would. Her biggest problem with it of late is that I have been spending a lot time looking for new shoes and a new dress.

[MysticLady]

Still kind of new here...and this is still so new for me. Early on in coming out to your SO, did you have any expectations of how you would like your relationship to be from that point? I know each relationship and situation is different, so I'm curious about the different answers.


Yeah, everybody here her said I need too be Honest, so I told her. I should have gone w/ my instincts :heehee:

[miss_jessie]

I have not yet come out to my girlfriend - mainly because I fear what I expect from her reaction. However my hopes would be to continue loving each other in the same way we always have and living the same too - just maybe I'm wearing a dress and feeling pretty sometimes.

[kimdl93]

My expectations were always for the worst, my fantasies always well fantasies. Reality is a matter of adjustment to another person, just as in an othe relationship. I learned about her, she leaned about me and we discover what we love about each other.

[gatorgirl]

Thank you! I always over-think everything in my life..and this is no different!!

[JamieG]

I expected nothing from my wife, but hoped for acceptance and support. What right do I have to expect anything from her when it's really my "problem?" In the beginning it was really hard on her (and consequently us as a couple). However, as she realized over time that I am still basically the same person she fell in love with, we have gotten somewhere between tolerance and support. My fantasy would be for her to enjoy my femme personna, and once or twice a week ask me to dress and do girly things with her. But I realize this is just a fantasy, and she can't change what she likes anymore than I can change my need to dress.

[Jenniferathome]

...

I know we will come together in our own path, but wondering about the journey with your SO to where you are today.

Thank you!!!

Started with telling her, everything. She was supportive but didn't want to "see" me as she feared she would not be able to "un-see" me in male mode. A few months later she saw a picture, then a video I made of my transformation (allowing her to bail out if she needed). A few months later she saw me. No big deal. Now, two years later, it is really no big deal. I'll add that she would rather I was not a cross dresser but understands that it is in me and not a choice to be weird.

Move at your pace, not the cross dressers pace and you will be ok.

[MsRenee]

Was never prepared to tell my wife at the time she found my things.
Alot of fighting and arguement for a while then after the shock wore off she realized I was still the same person she fell in love with.
As of his month weve been together for 20 yrs with her knowing that I am a cd for the past 8 yrs,
All I can say is be open with her and let faith run its course hun.
Hugs
Renee

[Joanne f]

Hello gatorgirl,
being selfish I think that the only expectations I had was that it would make it easier and give me more time to dress the way I liked to , apart from that I really did not expect things to change that much if at all but I was always careful not to over do it .

[MissTee]

Our journey was easier compared to some I've read about here. Seems my wife and I had the same idea for "boundaries" so it was no big deal. Some of those include: I'm private with my dressing in that only she and I know; I don't go out; I have absolutely no desire to transition. I love my male side and like being husband and provider. In short, CD-ing simply completes me and we both get this.

Good luck -- and welcome!!

[Kelly Smith]

Early on in coming out to your SO, did you have any expectations of how you would like your relationship to be from that point?
I knew how I would like it to be: cheerful acceptance. I expected her to be resistant. What I didn't expect was what I got: implacable hostility.

[Tina B.]

Gator girl, my story is a little different than most, my wife and I where separated at the time. We had a another big fight, and she had gone home to momma the week before. We where talking about where we go from here, when she said she wanted to come back home, and I decided the only way to solve the on going problems was to be honest, tell all, and let the chips fall where they may. My expectation was that she would run for the door, go back to momma's and stay there. To my surprise, she came home, took me shopping for a wardrobe, and we have had a great life for the last 38 years or so.
Yes I still dress, more so than ever before, and it's still all good.

[PaulaQ]

I expected that telling her would end our relationship. I knew my wife. I hoped I was wrong and our relationship would survive in some form. What I actually got was what I expected - we separated 4 months later, and will start divorce proceedings soon.

[Princess Grandpa]

Julie and I came to realize I needed to do this together. There was no coming out as it were as much as a discovery. That night I asked her to paint my nails she had a brief moments hesitation. "Really?" She asked in a shocked voice. "OK". Her heistation was because I reacted so poorly many years earlier.

I had zero expectations at that point. A few days later I found these forums. The first person to greet me said "I hope she continues to support you. Beware of the pink fog". I thought it an odd thing to say. I continued to read story after story of wives who first were accepting and later were not. At this point I expected some day my whole world would come crashing down.

As the weeks pass to months and we continue to become more proficient at our new game, I expect her to push me to the edge of my comfort zone until we are out and about doing whatever we want however we want. I expect at some point she is going to make me to learn to do my own make up.

I expect 88% of the time she will make me feel overwhelmed with gratitude that she is in my life. 10% of the time she will fluster and confuse me. And the final 2% of the time I expect I will want to throw her overboard.

Hug
Rita

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Gatorgirl

I came out to my wife of 12 years last Dec. If you scan my early started threads you can see how we eventually settled into boundaries that work for us. This is how I would catalogue relationship expectations from my perspective:

• The foundation of the relationship remains the same. I'm a man, she's a woman, I do not want to transition, I am not gay. If any of that changes, I understand the whole deal is questionable in her mind.
• We love and respect each other. That means we communicate and I don't put CD ahead of her or the kids. But it also means she acknowledges this is a powerful force within me I can't necessarily explain, and occasionally need to act upon.
• Boundaries are agreed and reasonable for both people. She said she would be embarrassed if I went out in public dressed. I'd look foolish anyway, so this one was easy to agree to. She didn't want the kids to know...check, I don't either.
• During Summer, she was concerned that the kids or other people might notice my shaved legs, so I let the hair grow out. But I did tell her I intended to shave again come Autumn, and she doesn't have a problem with that. She often appreciates the shaved legs and the fact that I take care of my feet very well during the CD months (stockings and hose are expensive)
• She's OK with me wearing stockings or lingerie to bed (actually she likes this, thinks it's kinky), but only if I look otherwise male. I haven't learned to do makeup yet or even own a wig, so I've never presented fully dressed as a woman to her, but she drew the line at making love if I were dressed that way. I'm OK with this.
• She doesn't mind if I dress in front of her (neck down) in private. She has been mostly supportive in this regard, and sometimes we have fun with it. For example, she loved some heels that I had purchased for myself, so guess what, now she has them in her size (one of the benefits of a CD SO!). She has modeled for some pics with me where we are wearing the same heels, knowing this is a powerful visual stimulus for me. She's found it convenient to filch the occasional pair of pantyhose, something we laugh about. And she appreciates my fashion sense and enjoys shopping with me, commenting that I "know more than the average husband". But we have never shopped together to purchase female apparel for me. She did get me a silk robe and a few pair of hose early on, but that was when she was solo. I think she is worried about what people would think if we were looking at XL dresses together.
• I've expressed my desire to learn to do makeup, wear a wig…essentially go for the whole "look". While she volunteered to help me learn makeup, she is concerned about taking that step as she fears it will lead to an escalation of CD. So we haven't done that yet. I'm taking it slow (I pushed a little too much early on) because I don't want to ruin things.
• I suppose if I had one regret…it would be that she does not want to actively participate more, and does not seem to want me to perfect (or even improve) my feminine appearance. But I don't think that's a reasonable expectation for me to have, so I'm OK with that. I can totally understand why a wife would not want her husband to look more like a woman. So the little fantasies where we are dressing and applying our makeup together, then having dinner in our cocktail dresses and afterwards sipping a drink with our hosed legs intertwined are just that--fantasies. Or where she helps me choose skirts or heels at the mall, and then we head to MAC for a makeover. I've told her about those fantasies but she's not ready, may never be ready, and that's OK. Those are not expectations, they are desires.

As you say, every relationship is different, but I think you and your SO can make this work if you respect each other and communicate. You may be able to have some fun with it if you approach things the right way.

He will probably always want more. I know I do,; I think it's the nature of the CD compulsion within us. If he is a fetishistic CD like me, he has very specific fantasies. Not all of those have to come to fruition and he can still be happy. He should be able to control the escalation, as I have so far.

I hope you two can work it out, and that you get the support on this forum you need.

Shibumi

[Beverley Sims]

There is a lot of hedging about until you find your boundaries.
That does not happen overnight.

[Stevie]

I expected her to leave. She was against it then and probably still is today. Still feel the same way when I told her but now I have some hope that her feelings will change.

[Dani Lee]

Most important...don't rush, take it slow. You don't have to do everything at once. One step at a time.

There will be highs and lows. Both of you need to be patient and open with how you feel about things. It is a progression and your feelings about some things may change over time.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I expected her to readily accept and almost be promoting, ESP in light of the women in my life/past relationships who know accepted promoted. Boy was I wrong!

[StephanieCD21]

Communicate communicate communicate. Nothing is more important. Keep it honest and open. Take it slow and do not expect overnight acceptance on either part. My wife and I are still trying to figure out boundaries. It is important to express all of your feelings openly to each other without consequence from the other. And remember boundaries are not rules. They are dynamic and should evolve as the 2 (or 3) of you do. Good luck.

[suchacutie]

Hi and welcome. My story is that I never knew Tina existed until my wife and I found her after 34 years of marriage. As a result it was an adventure for both of us and still is after eight years.

My wife was/is intensely curious about which parts of me associate with Tina and which with my male side. Also there is the question if my two gendered selves view the same issue differently (they sometimes do!).

Since we started this journey together and are willing to talk honestly about any topic it's been a great experience.

[Traci-nc]

I told my wife and I knew that she would love me no matter what I did as long as it was legal. She had questions as any rational person would. Like are you gay and what if you decide that you are and leave me. I told her that I love her and I don't plan on leaving her for anything. She does love going shopping until she sees how picky I can be, and of Couse she has to tease me saying your such a girl. and I don't mind I know who I am and I am fine with that. She does her best to understand why I feel the way I do, and it is by no means a smooth road but we try to communicate and work things out the best we can.

[gatorgirl]

Such good responses from this group, as always.... thank you so much....wish there was a way to "like" each reply! I will keep you posted on our progress...I see a happy ending, because I think we both love and respect each other, and want "us" to work.