Soul Searching

[Aly Cat]

So i have been doing some soul searching lately and have gotten some clarity in thought but it has left me more confused than when i started.
So up until recently i have always thought that i was just a normal crossdresser. You know, the kind that wears the clothes, loves the fashion, but at the end of the day im just a guy...
Im actually starting to rethink that. You see, when i really get down to the details of things i realized that i dont try to pass because i simply cant pass. Because of that, instead of getting down on myself, i embrace the fact that i cant pass and keep my head up high as "that dude in the skirt." Im cool with this and embrace it fully, facial hair and all!
Now the sneaky underlying part...if i COULD pass, would i want to? What would that mean for me? I started thinking of how i would dress on a daily basis and before i knew it, i was thinking about how pretty i could or would like to be as a woman! Oh, and not on a part time basis crossdressing but full time.
I was thinking how amazing it would be to actually become a woman and get rid of the boy parts and all that. I realized that the only reason i wouldnt shoot for a full transition is because even though the technology is there to make things look anatomically correct, im afraid that things wont work properly and i wont ever be able to physically enjoy stimulation down there etc. (No need to get into those details.) Essentially, its the fear of a reconstructed anatomy that scares the hell out of me.
My friend was commenting the other day how i had the perfect feminine eyebrows if they were just slightly plucked and that she was jealous of some of my features. Im almost beginning to think that maybe i could actually pass, given the right makeover and instruction.

So in the end, i almost feel that i am a TS with the fears preventing me from taking steps in that direction. What i am left with is being stuck as a crossdressing man and basically just embracing that fact and keeping my head held high.
So whats the next step from here? Who the heck knows...least of all me. I definitely am starting to feel like a ts who is stuck being a tg.
Well thats enough of my little self exploration. Its crazy stuff when you start searching inside you and coming to grips how you feel deep within....kinda scary. I think the only way i would transition is if i got prostate cancer or something like that. Id just be like....hmm cancer? Naa, just take it all off...problem solved! I joke (but not really ;D )

[MysticLady]

Eva, you want too be desired. Yes, it's fun too be desired. Trust me, I know. Problem is, that you don't have the equipment to make feel even better about it. You know what, I tell em up front what I am and hope they leave me alone. Wrong, it seems like they lust you even more. I had this one Cowboy looking guy tell me he was bi. So I said Bye.


It's nice to know the inner workings of a GG. It's a fascinating world.

[RADER]

EVA;
You bring up some good points. I allays wanted to venture out dressed, but never did.
I promised my wife that I would not, and have kept the promise.
If you look at the fact that I am 6'3 and go 300 lbs, I would look like Paul Bunion in a dress,
Mustache and all.Not a pretty picture, but i do enjoy getting dressed and spend the entire day
at home, doing some house work and just watching the TV.
I do search my Soul at times, but at my age, any surgery would be useless.
But I can still have my "Special Days" and enjoy them.
Rader

[Sarah Beth]

I too am that "dude" in the dress, 6' with broad shoulders. I know I can't pass, but all the time I want more and more to be able to be a littel more passable. I spend more time wanting to be dressed and be that woman within. I also wish by boobs were a bit bigger, but its not likely to happen so I just gotta be me and enjoy what I have and do what I can to improve on that. Do I want to fully change into a woman with the surgeries and all that, no, that's not me, I have way to much guy in me.

[Kate Simmons]

Basically life is what we make it Hon. The real challenge is to utilize the resources we've been given and make them work for us. We tend to appreciate things more if we work hard for them.:battingeyelashes::)

[Maria 60]

I also see myself as all male but at times I will be talking to my wife and without even noticing it I am saying things like"if Maria was a real girl she would be wearing those beautiful summer dresses every day" or I would love to thread my eyebrows and try some red nail polish on my feet. I am beginning to wonder myself now what percentage of male I really am.

[Aly Cat]

Wow, so i wrote this whole response to all of you telling you about a bunch of stuff that had happened that was helping me realize whats inside and my blasted internet went out on me as soon as i hit the submit button and i lost it all. Its too much to retype lol so i guess the universe wants me to be short and sweet.
I had an experience in walmart that made me feel that sad longing that im sure many of you feel when you feel repressed and locked up inside. I was in the fabric section picking up supplies for my wifes project. Me+fabrics=longing to be wrapped in them. The very well dressed woman click clacking in her 4in heels walking by didnt help either with my envy and longing.
I gave up, stopped fondling the wonderful fabrics and put envy aside. I went and text my GG friend and we talked about how if i was post op, what kind of lesbian i would be lol...shes a lesbian.
Did you know there are 3 different kinds of lesbians?? I didnt! She asked me if i would be butch, chapstick, or lipstick. I told her i preferred lipgloss because i like the wet look >.<. Apparently i fall somewhere in between chapstick and lipstick. That conversation cheered me up.
I have had conversations with her and my sister before where they have both told me that it sounded like i had more gender disphoria than i thought and that they thought i almost sounded TS. I always denied it and told them it was just about the clothes, but maybe not? Maybe there is more truth to what others see when you are blind to it (in denial) about it yourself. I have even had several ladies from this site mention that my words hinted at more than just CD. Who knows.

Lol, well look at that. Sorry for making making things long again. I get to typing and i start to ramble.

[kimdl93]

Ok...hmmm wife. That suggests a different situation. Perhaps fantasies, gender issues and your relationship can be mingled in a way that isn't injurious to what you already have... Think very hard!

[Aly Cat]

Oh trust me, in terms of actually going through an operation, that would take some extreme circumstances. I dont think that will ever happen. The desire obviously doesnt go away though. In terms of my wife and I, well right now were on a rocky path as it is (gender issues aside) so I might just end up finding myself alone before too too long anyways. Thats a different story though. Now, in terms of kids...thats a tough one. My kids know I wear mommys shoes sometimes (flats) and that I wear a towel skirt now and then so they know im a little off with fashion lol. I think my boys would take it in stride if I ever decide to tell them when theyre older. They are very caring compassionate children. I dont think I could ever be their second mommy though unless like I said in a previous post, something drastic and life threatening happened. Then I would totally ditch the man parts and go srs. It would make things a lot easier to explain to the family...heaven forbid I ever encounter anything life threatening. I would much rather things be a perfect world where I could do what I want and be accepted. Sadly its not perfect and I think if I made the choice, I would have a very dark road ahead. Ill prolong that road as long as possible if I can. But inside, things are becoming more rainbow unicorns and daisies than camo and football.

[kimdl93]

it might be that the rocky path you and your wife are on has got you looking for an emotional escape. My advice is to try to refocus on the marriage and figure out what the issues are between you and your wife. Try to make the situation better. Your kids deserve an intact family if you can possibly preserve it. Having been divorced, I can tell you that it hurts a lot more and creates a lot more problems than are solved.

Then, after you have righted the boat, so to speak, start exploring. You're just at the first few steps. Its a long long way from where you are now to the point of contemplating any permanent physical changes. You may find that something far less dramatic is entirely satisfactory for your needs.

[Karren H]

My father died of prostate cancer so I watch my PSA a lot... and it has been going up... and I to have been thinking that when I do get it.... that I will just have everything removed... for medical reasons! Takes the decisions to transition out of my hands.. and gives me a better excuse other than I lost a bet.. lol

[Beverley Sims]

Eva,
You do not have to take it the whole way, do what is comfortable for you.
Maybe do nothing and enjoy life with some restrictions.

[gennee]

I thought that I would be satisfied with crossdressing. Then I discovered that my feelings rather deeper than clothing. I did some research and discovered that I am transgender. I'm not going to have GRS but I a very happy where I currently am. I left the door open to GRS because, as I have discovered, the journey has many twists and turns.


:)