Coming out to my wife

[scarletgender]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, so here is my story! I, like most here, started experimenting with cross dressing in my teens. I started getting into reading transgender fiction around this time too.

I'm now 33 and been married happily for 5 years. I'm getting to the point now where I'm not sure I can keep it bottled up anymore. I want to explore my fem side and share this with my wife, but I feel like I've gone on so long now and never mentioned it, that she would feel a great betrayal of trust.

I do not dress currently, and have only very rarely worn a couple of my wife's things (guilt probably stops me). I explore my gender in other ways - currently by writing my own TG fiction.

I want to try and find the confidence to confide in her. I'm not the most masculine of males to start with, slim, a fairly fem face and when we're alone we use a similar sort of "fey" voice with each other, and even call each other by identical “gender-less” pet names. She certainly "wears the trousers" in our relationship, making most decisions and dealing with money etc.

Years ago, she noticed her underwear draw had been "rummaged" (in one of my very rare moments), and asked, jokingly, if I had been wearing her underwear. I laughed it off and said no. Last year she asked if I wanted to wear her tights under my trousers when I complained about the cold.

So, it is possible she either won't be that surprised, or knows something already. Anyway, the thought of disrupting an otherwise tranquil marriage fills me with great anxiety. We rarely argue, ever.

Now, I'm not unhappy as a male, I don't hate my body and I do enjoy my male role. But I do want to explore and share the feminine side of me as well, more than I do. Just to not have to hide any part of myself from the woman I love.

I would be very grateful for any advice from people who have gone through similar.

Thank you,
Jessica xx

[Nancy (PA)]

Perhaps she's looking for an opening to let you know that she knows. The next time she asks similar questions, answer honestly, and see what happens.

[MissTee]

First, welcome. This is a great site for finding answers and learning about what to expect as you progress. I'm sure you'll get a lot of feedback to your question, but only you can decide how you should proceed.

Here's my take: Like many that come here, you're looking for a way to drop a hint and see how it's received. If the notion of CD-ing appears to be rejected from the hint, you have an opportunity to retreat and keep it a secret. No harm, no foul. Right? Unfortunately, the real problem lies in thinking you really can keep it a secret, Sounds like your wife is pretty intuitive already and will notice discrepancies rather quickly. Also, if you decide to keep it hidden then the deception builds over time and will slowly erode the trust you seem to share.

In most cases, then, a completely un-accepting partner is a completely un-accepting partner. She'll ditch you now or ditch you later when she finds out. Doesn't matter as the reveal kills the deal. On the other hand, with an accepting partner you could experience different degrees ranging from immediate and complete acceptance to acceptance over time.

Knowing all that, there's a number of different ways to introduce the idea and see how she responds. I was lucky as ours started when she suggested I wear one of her nightgowns. I accepted the offer and it grew from there.

Good luck!

[Tina B.]

It was 5 years in to my marriage before I got up the nerve to tell her, but every thing worked out for us!
It's never easy to sit down and talk about it, and of course it depends on her views on life as to how she will handle it, but there is plenty of prove on this sit, that marriage can survive crossdressing husbands!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jessica

Read the link in my signature. It will give you lots of good advice on how to tell her. I am not saying you should, but I know I wish I had this to read before coming out.

[kimdl93]

I would not presume that your wife has any inklings about your interest in CDing. Assume nothing. I'm hoping that Jenniferathome will provide you the link to her letter to her wife, the instrument she used for opening up the dialogue on her interest in feminine things. Since you're a writer, consider the same thing. Start by consulting on the many questions that your wife will inevitable need to ask and you'll need to answer. Prepare your honest and unguarded responses to each. And above all, make this conversation about your commitment and affection to her and your concern for her feelings, and your understanding that this news can be very difficult for many women to accept. Don't make it about you...except to let her know your honest needs, interests and desires.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Jessica

I had been married 12 years when I came out to my wife last Dec. You can see the details in earlier posts. I was very worried she would view it as a breach of trust, and given her conservative background, also be repulsed. Happily that was not the case; she was glad I confided in her and it brought us closer together. Judging from your comments I think it would be good for you to test the waters.

Shibumi

[scarletgender]

Thanks you ladies for your kind welcome and words of support. I shall have a good read of this wonderful forum to help me on my way.

[Jenniferathome]

In my signature is how I told my wife. It's the right thing to do. You will both be better for it.

[Jenara]

We seem to have a lot in common. I pursued my interest in CDing by rping female characters in online gaming and writing and reading fetish stories related to feminine stuff. I too have been married 5 years and told my wife a few months ago.

I know you are going to be very anxious about this topic because it's a pretty big bombshell to drop on someone, especially when your relationship up until now has been established under one set of circumstances.

My best advice would be to have the conversation by sitting her down somewhere quiet and keep the focus on her. Reassure her of your love for her and I would whole heartedly recommend you give her the address to this site so she can join and chat with the GG's on here. Many of whom can offer her advice from their point of view. My wife told me this site really helped calm a lot of her fears.

I might be one of the lucky ones in that my wife has been very understanding and we've both found a lot of surprising (in a good way) things about each other as a result of my "coming out" to her.

Good luck!

[ReineD]

... but I feel like I've gone on so long now and never mentioned it, that she would feel a great betrayal of trust.

It depends on two things, the level of honesty you want to share with her and obviously, her open-mindedness.

It would be true, albeit a half truth, if you told her that you were just getting to the point now where you feel as if you want to explore this. The reality as you mention, is that you've been wanting this for a long time, in other words, that you've known for a long time. This is what the average wife has a hard time wrapping her mind around, not so much the idea that you want to explore femininity.

But you know your wife best and also the dynamics between you ... she might perfectly understand why you didn't tell her years ago. Go with your gut feeling, although personally, I think the full truth is best in the long run. If I place myself in her shoes, I would not want a half-truth on top of learning about the CDing.

[devida]

I guess you have to ask yourself how honest you've been in your relationship? If you have an easy and open relationship with her talking about cross dressing doesn't have to be that big of a deal. You may think it is. She may think it's just an adorable little quirk. How would you know if you didn't discuss it with her? I think part of the problem with cross dressing is the gigantic thing we make of it, when, depending on what is going on, it may be not that vastly important. If you have always wished you were a woman (which you say you have not) then it may be a life changing. If it's just that you got a thrill out of dressing in women's clothes, ok, great, you get a thrill. Maybe it'll improve your sex life. Maybe you don't need it improved. You don't get to know unless you talk about it. Unless you are pretty damn sure that your wife will freak out don't let your own difficulty in integrating this part or your self get in the way of your relationship with her. She might be able to help! My wife's primary complaint about me cross dressing in that I won't shut up about it, which tells you a bit about how important it is to her! She says, repeatedly, I just have to find other people to talk about this. It really isn't the huge concern for her that it is for me.

[Joanne f]

Hello scarletgender,
it is always a difficult situation to be in when you have been hiding it from your wife for a few years ( Ok 5 is a bit more than a few):D and now you feel that you need to and want to but you are uncertain of the reaction you may get but from what you have said it sounds like your wife ether knows, has some idea or is the type that may not have to many problems with a certain amount of it but at this point it is still not a certainty so why not try something simple to start with and joke about wearing some of her underwear or something and judge on her reaction how things might go if you do and which ever way it go's you can still tell your wife that you needed to see of her reaction simply because it is something you would like to do , OK sneaky I know but at least it is a start on where you should be going with it but you know you wife more than anyone and I am not saying that this is the best of any ideas .

[Di]

Only you can decide what to do....you know your relationship I do not.

I am a GG and would want to know and the worst of it would be feeling betrayed that I was not told.Make sure you cover that if you decide to tell her....you were ashamed....you thought it was only something you did at a young age ect.
Also make clear to her it is not a choice it is a part of you .:hugs::hugs:
Best Wishes

[Beverley Sims]

Jessica,
read what others have replied about and make a considered decision from there.
There are a number of solutions listed.

[JamieG]

Hi Jessica,

You seem to be in a similar position to where I was when I finally told my wife. I was 32 and we had been married for over a year (but were together for 5 years). Like you, I'm not the manliest of guys, but I still enjoy some of what it means to be a guy: I like football, the outdoors, drinking (quality) beer, etc. First, as mentioned above, don't assume your wife knows anything. My wife had joked about dressing me in drag for Halloween, thought I looked cute in tights when I wore a "unisex" jester costume, and I even ended up in her french maid costume for 5 minutes when we were fooling around. Yet, when I finally came out to her, it was a complete shock.

It was a difficult process for us, and in the first few weeks there was talk of divorce (from her) and brief thoughts of suicide (from me). She was afraid that she could no longer be attracted to me and that she couldn't look at me without imagining a clown in a dress. She was also deeply hurt that I hadn't told her before marriage and given her a chance to "get out of jail free". However, we kept talking and she eventually warmed up to things. Now, over ten years later we are in a good place. She says that knowing my secret has made us closer than ever before. She is mostly supportive of my CDing, occasionally buying me girly gifts and making sure I get some girl time here and there. She doesn't like the fact that I CD, but she understands that it is important to me, and for this reason she accepts it.

No one can predict what will happen when you tell your wife. There are fellow members who have had all of their wildest dreams come true, and others who have ended in bitter divorce. If it is getting to the point where this is eating at you and impacting your relationship, then you should definitely tell, sooner rather than later. Remember when you do come out to treat your wife with patience and understanding. Don't get defensive and be as honest as you can. I recommend being prepared to negotiate boundaries with her, and then re-establishing trust by showing that you can live within those boundaries. I wish you the best of luck!

Jamie

[Rachelakld]

Hi Jessica, wearing leggings (tights) during winter was how I introduced my kids and my father to my situation.
Firstly I said it was nice, comfortable and warm, then I started wearing the shiny leggings, then asked if I could wear a mini skirt to hide my crotch, and when summer came around, I was wearing just the mini skirt and a nice top.
Wife knew before we got engaged

[Anita_2]

That is very good begining - she offer her tights. I allways started in explanation of my CD to the women with tights and stockings. In princip I told that I am interesting what feeling is to wear tights or stockings. If that pass and she accept it than you can go on next step like panties and bra. Step by step is best way.

[Jenniferathome]

Jessica, the step by step or slow leak as mentioned by a couple is NOT a good idea. You can't leak this to a wife. Total honesty, one time, is the only way. Leakage could lead to misunderstandings and more problematic is that you will be training her to wait for the other shoe to drop.

"Honey, I have something to tell you about me that will likely shock you, but..." Tell her everything. You get one chance to be "honest" after years of apparent lying from her perspective. Regardless of the outcome, you will both be better for it.

[Anita_2]

Jessica, the step by step or slow leak as mentioned by a couple is NOT a good idea. You can't leak this to a wife. Total honesty, one time, is the only way. Leakage could lead to misunderstandings and more problematic is that you will be training her to wait for the other shoe to drop.

"Honey, I have something to tell you about me that will likely shock you, but..." Tell her everything. You get one chance to be "honest" after years of apparent lying from her perspective. Regardless of the outcome, you will both be better for it.

I think it is good way only if you are going to "all or none" maybe his wife need little time to adapt to new situation - normaly (somethimes directly tell something loock like aggressive way and she can ask "why you did not tell me that before marriage?" and she has right if you did not start as declared CD maybe is better another way) - any how I think there is no good way for everybody - there is no silver bullet which will kill all problems - you mast make desigion how to do that directly or step by step - that depends of situacion.

[ReineD]

... then I started wearing the shiny leggings, then asked if I could wear a mini skirt to hide my crotch, and when summer came around, I was wearing just the mini skirt and a nice top.


... If that pass and she accept it than you can go on next step like panties and bra. Step by step is best way.

I suppose it is fine with someone that you don't sleep with (I guess, although I would feel lied to after a while). And also if it is a girlfriend that you are testing, and you are prepared to lose her when it reaches a point beyond which she feels comfortable.

But I agree with Jennifer. This is a horrible approach to take with someone to whom you've been married to for years.

[Di]

In agreement please no slow leak with the info. Unless testing a new gf to see how open minded they are. But someone you have a relationship with it would still feel like a lie. I can hardly count how many GGs that have said....first they pretended it wasjust undies, then they add this then that and end result they do not believe anything said.It ends up ....they get stuck on ...being betrayed and what shoe will drop next......than making the relationship work with the cding.
So if you decide to tell :hugs:

After you explain....why you did not tell before ( thought it would go away,was afraid you would lose her ect)
Answer everything with the truth

[Jacqueline Winona]

The important part to remember is that only you know her best, and nobody else knows how receptive she will be to any issue. Listen to all the advice, but make this from the heart- if you're not someone who is good at reading a script, speak from the heart instead. And your reasons for coming out now sound very compelling. I trust that you're doing this for her, and make sure she knows that it isn't just for you to feel that you need more time for yourself, to do your own thing. Last of all, do it at your own time, when you know its right, as opposed to thinking you must do this now- haste will waste any opportunity you have to make a good first impression. If you're absolutely certain the results will be disastrous when you go to speak to her, don't think you have to do it immediately.

[jackielou]

i think you missed a prime opportunity to open the door to your desires you should have accepted her offer and ask if you needed to shave your legs first ,i think she has had enough hints to what is going on with you and she loves you enough to explore it with you dont pass up another chance i would go back to the underware drawer again and see her response.i told my fiance up front that i underdress and she is trying to understand me so far she suggested a bra she liked that she saw on tv and told me i might like it ,that was a giant step

[jenni_xx]

Hi scarletgender

Welcome to the forum.

Just scanning through the replies, I see two names who you would do well to listen (and talk) to. These are ReineGG (who will give you the insight from a woman's perspective), and Jenniferathome, who is a member here who I have the utmost respect for. That's not to be dismissive of the replies from other members - so many here do offer great advice and empathy. But in the two members I did draw attention to - you won't go wrong in taking up the advice that they offer.

There are several options open to you

1) Come right out, in total honesty, and tell your wife.

2) Pick up on certain comments made by your wife and in a subtle sense, probe further.

3) Deny it all

Your wife making the suggestion to wear her tights because you complained about the cold - I would say that you shouldn't read anything into that - for the simple reason that it is very good practical advice. I have heard (from male friends who work on a building site) that they wear tights in the winter under their clothes because it helps to keep them warm.

It could be the case that your wife does suspect. Or it could just be the case that your wife is making jokey comments about certain things. If you do chose to come out to her, she may not be surprised, but even if she isn't surprised, don't be surprised if she isn't accepting. If you do choose to come out to her, it could well be that her jokey comments were just that, and thus as a result she is incredibly surprised. In which case, don't be surprised if she isn't accepting.

But then, even if it does come as a total surprise to her, and that you have misread her comments in the past, then that doesn't mean that she WOULDN'T be accepting.

Personally, I think the best way to go (no matter how hard it may seem) is down the honest route. The way you worded your opening post in this thread uses words and explanations that would undoubtedly put many worries that your wife may have to bed. It does sound like you know exactly what you do want from your crossdressing, what it means to you, and how far you want to take it. If you do choose to tell your wife, do so while at the same time informing her that you are not unhappy as a man, that you don't hate being a man, just that you do like to explore your feminine side (and I do strongly believe that both all men have a feminine side, and that women also have a masculine side.

[Presh GG]

Please remember no matter how she reacts in the reveal and everyday thereafter, If you love her , show her!
Hold her , treat her as you would like to be treated.
I've heard from so many women who became not so much unaccepting as very lonely as their S/Os seem to forget why they are there as they become more into themselves.

Best wishes
Presh GG

[Kandy Barr]

Hi Scarlet, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and to wish you best wishes in you're quest to tell your wife. You have some wonderful advice from other members here to contemplate, that's what makes this site so special.

[Quksilver420]

Wow sounds like my story I told my wife recently that i like to dress in womens cloths we have been married for five years and together for ten. She was not accepting at first but the more I explain that I am not gay don't want a sex change . She is starting to come around. I just explained I don't want to keep any secrets from her. And I don't want to sneak around any more. This is who I am. I'm not sure where I came from but I know it's not going to just leave.

[Rogina B]

Tell her and be honest...tell her all of it! Your chosen form of suppression keeps it on your mind and would never work in the long run..you'll have a meltdown and then what good will you be? Five years isn't that long of a time and you can tell how you mistakenly thought you could deal with it. She sounds like an open minded person or you wouldn't have married her...Work it all out with her,it is worth it!

[*ROXY*]

Hi Jessica,
I'm 37 and told my wife nearly 1 year ago (had been married for 4 years). I decided that I couldn't keep it from her any more and had the conversation. It was a little awkward and within 20 seconds she had convinced herself either
A) he's leaving me
B) he's got a terminal illness
It still came as a total shock and she had absolutely no idea. I disclosed everything, the full extent of my dressing, how I felt about it, why I do it.
She cried, I cried, talked for about 5 hours into the early morning.
Bit by bit we discussed what she was comfortable with and it started out with just underwear, then shoes (she went shopping with me to alternative footwear, awesome place)
Fast forward 10 months and I spent last night in full lingerie, suspenders, little black velvet dress and knee high boots.
The only out of bounds is bra/breast forms which I can live with as I don't often choose to wear makeup, or my wig.
I do always paint my toenails (we often now co-ordinate lol)
The big BIG BIG thing is communication, discuss something you would like to try and your boundaries, don't spring surprises on her like shaving all your body hair off.
I'm not saying you cannot just see how she would feel about it first and consider her feelings as this is a very big thing after 5 years to discover about someone she thought she new everything about.
I know I'm very lucky but what makes a difference in my case is I don't change personality when I'm dressed, I'm still me, I don't take on, or want to take on feminine expressions/voice/mannerisms (nothing wrong with that but I just enjoy the look/illusion/tactile sensations of it)
Try not to go hell for leather with the buying if she's ok with you topping up your wardrobe, ask her opinion if she's willing to help.
It can work out very well.
Good luck

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jessica, it's anybodies guess how your wife will react. Good luck .