Starting transition later in life.

[I Am Paula]

Most of you know, I started HRT at 55. I had been fulltime 18 months before.
There seems to be quite a few TS girls that started transition later. Say, after 45.
I would love to hear from you:
What finally pushed you over the edge, to seek medical intervention?
What do you feel are the unique challenges to starting later in life?
How is society dealing with seeing an established 'male', suddenly transitioning?
Are there benefits to starting later, that may not be available to someone starting in their teens?
Are there drawbacks, compared to starting in your teens?

Feel free to add anything that you feel is unique to starting transition after 45.

Please, only TS, who started after (or close) to 45 years old, or are this age and SERIOUSLY considering transition in the very near future.

[Angela Campbell]

My story is long and most who know me already have read it. It is long and in my journal. (pm me if you have not seen it and wish to) I started at 54. I wish I could have done it earlier but that is just not the way it worked out. I don't know how it could have been different for me. The benefit for me is more mature, more money, more time to think about it, less to lose. Society is a little more used to seeing it now, and more around who accept it than in the 60's or 70's. Drawbacks are obvious.....wasted time.

[I Am Paula]

Ellen, I do read your journal. I don't comment on it, so it can remain a chronicle of YOUR thoughts. You and I started just about the same time.

[sandra-leigh]

In the spring 4 years ago, at age 47, I spontaneously developed a bust, built up to about a B cup over a period of a few months. And I do mean spontaneously: I was not taking any "supplement" (never have), I was not on anything resembling estrogen or an anti-androgen, and my depression medications were not known to have that side effect. I was quite pleased about the breasts, happy for once. Then over a period of about a week, the bust almost completely went away again. I had had the impression that it was shrinking, but I confirmed the loss one day.. on my 48th birthday. Nice birthday present, eh? I was devastated.

The emotions I went through when my bust disappeared pushed me over the line to the point where I decided that I needed to seriously investigate HRT. The gender dysphoria had just gotten too high, and the body dysphoria was high, and my depression was smothering me. My decision at the time was not to go on HRT, but rather that I would stop being abstractly afraid of what HRT has done in some people, and that I would investigate what it would likely mean to my biochemistry, and determine whether I was even eligible. Getting solid information is not a commitment, it just provides a foundation upon which one can decide whether to make the commitment. I was expecting the process (time until I had the information) to take about a year to 15 months, and figured that over that year I would have plenty of time to reflect upon whether I really wanted to go through it at that point, or perhaps delay starting, or possibly not take it at all.

It turned out that the appropriate clinic unit had recently expanded, and about 3 months later I had the bulk of the information and in the 4th month I was given medical clearance and left to think about it, and in the 6th month I asked to go ahead and was prescribed (these were consecutive appointments: they only had enough staff for appointments 6 weeks apart.). The two months after receiving the bulk of the information were angst filled for me, trying to decide what I really wanted to do, trying to figure out how my life would be affected. I had been told after 3 months that medical clearance would probably be given, and it was time to really decide. I went for it, and I think it was the right thing for me to have done.

With regards to special challenges for starting late: Career effects. The field I work in is one in which if you aren't semi-famous in the field by the time you are 30, you probably will never be, but in which some older people will manage to build up a reputation over a number of years of quality but not flashy work. I am one of the relatively few who has that kind of accumulated reputation. Not unlike a good-quality session musician. And if I "vanish" into a new life, I lose the advantage of that reputation at a time when I need it to get late-career employment. Likewise, if I transition leaving a link between old and new, then if that damages my "brand", I could be hard pressed to recover in time. Where-as if I were a couple of decades younger, I would have time to rebuild.

[Rianna Humble]

Like Angela, my story is already extensively documented - including the gutter-press reports that went viral. This is the Executibve Summary of the potted history version:

Up to about the age of 53, I managed to fight the Gender Dysphoria by telling myself that I was too old and would end up as an unloved ugly old woman. It didn't make things all right, but I half believed the lie.

Then the GD decided to fight back and I started to spiral into what I now know to be a clinical depression - couldn't sleep, couldn't do my job properly, wasn't much good as a Councillor (although my constituents disagreed with that last bit) more and more frequent thoughts of suicide. By the time things started to come to a head, I had already planned about 8 different ways to end my life, but the preferred option was playing hopscotch on a 500V conductor rail.

I tried to use cross-dressing to shame myself out of knowing I was a woman, but th eneed to be true to myself just got stronger instead.

It got to the stage (once I had come out to some people as transgender) where I would be physically sick when I had to don male garb. The psywhatever said that this was an understandable progression of my condition.

For me, the main challenge is that I have over half a century of conditioning to unlearn and in my job it is not very easy to practice my voice.

Society around me has been extremely understanding - to the extent of a neighbour asking me to let him know if someone tried to give me grief over the transition.

I cannot think off-hand what benefits there might be for someone like me to delay transition, although those who are able to cope with the challenge of becoming a husband and a father (I never was) might see a benefit in taking the time to have a family.

The two biggest drawbacks I can think of are sort-of related:
1 Wasted time and opportunities
2 The additional ravages of having matured for half a century with testosterone poisoning

[Angela Campbell]

I managed to fight the Gender Dysphoria by telling myself that I was too old and would end up as an unloved ugly old woman.



I think I have always felt like I would rather be an ugly woman than a good looking man. Unloved......yeah either way that was the case I figured.

At the time I made the decision I was so fearful of losing everything and finally decided I had nothing "real" to lose. There was never a better time for me. I have lost everything I own before. I lived through it. I can do it again especially if I get something out of it. Is the price too high? NO.

That is the benefit of doing it at an older age.

[I Am Paula]

Rianna, You are the only person whose GD manifested itself the same way as me. On my birthday, I was attempting to dress drab for my own party, and I just melted down. I could no longer present male with out getting ill, or at very best, so anxious I couldn't function. Now, on HRT I CAN dress as a guy, but it still causes to much apprehension to allow me to be comfortable.
I have a wedding to attend next month, and decided to go drab. I tried on a couple of suits at Sears, and realized I can't do it. I bought a reasonable blk. women's suit, and a white womens shirt. If someone looks carefully, they will notice, but I don't care because this is the last time this crowd will ever see me in guy mode.

Ellen, I had nothing real to lose. I even considered that if my wife decided to leave, best just let her go. Transition was more important.

[sandra-leigh]

The last time I wore guy clothes must have been... I don't know, 2008 maybe. Other than one afternoon that was going to involve getting messy and I figured I'd let the guy clothes get ruined instead of my real clothes. But I went "a little across the borderline" for years; that got me through one day at a time. But the stress that built up internally from not being able to be obvious, the stress from all those times changing in a washroom or alley a few blocks away from work... going through that again would make my physically ill.

None-the-less, my answer about what triggered me to seek medical intervention remains the same: I suffered through my dysphoria, but frog-in-hot-water-like, I needed something else to push me to the point of medically doing something about it.

I am using "medically" in the "medication / surgery" sense here; I had already been in therapy about my gender dysphoria for a couple of years.

[Inna]

buy youz girls stansards I was a baby at 44................

[Nicole Brown]

I must be the old lady, or grandmother, of this group. Well actually, I did just become a grandmother 5 weeks ago.

I am 1 month into my RLE, have been on hormones for 7 months, have lived full time for the past 5 weeks and will turn 67 next month. I retired 2 1/2 years ago after a 43 year career with the same company. I retired because I was no longer happy with my job and its responsibilities and quite frankly was miserable. I thought my unhappiness was due to my work schedule but it continued after my retirement.

I found myself getting more and more upset and depressed and started talking more seriously to the therapist I was seeing about my feelings of being a woman. He realized that what I was suffering from was beyond his abilities and referred my to a gender therapist. Over 2 years of therapy I began realizing that my unhappiness was caused by GD and with my therapist's recommended I begin HRT to treat the condition.

Since beginning my hormone treatment, my emotions have leveled out, I am a much calmer person, but most important is that I am now happy, for the first time in my life I am truly happy. In the past 5 weeks since I moved into my new condo, and began living as a woman full time, I have found my place in the world and finally feel that I fit in.

I am trying to schedule my GRS for my birthday in September 2014. If all goes according to my plans, I will officially become a woman on my 68th birthday.

[kimdl93]

Let me asnwer a few of your questions from the perspective of a pre-op, pre HRT borderline person. I haven't sought medical intervention yet and at least for the moment, in my very, very, very late 40's ;), I don't foresee it. As I mentioned, I don't feel GID...just a little frustration on those occassions when I must present as male. The unique challenges to starting later in life - I'm serious: skin and muscle tone. I'd give anything for the skin I used to have before too much sun and the affects of aging. I'd give anything to be 195 lbs.

As for benefits of starting later - well, I have a whole lot of life experience to draw upon and the benefit of having dealt, fairly successfully with the emotional challenges of growing up and living much of my adult life as someone who felt fundementally "wrong". Overcome that and maybe subsequent life challenges seem a little more manageable.

Society sees us in a lot of different ways. the people i've come out to have, however, proven to be surprisingly accepting, and with few exceptions, I wasn't even the first person they knew who was transgendered. I have also found a great deal of empathy. Maybe all those heart rending stories of people being trapped in the wrong body are finally getting some traction.

[Ann Louise]

What finally pushed you over the edge, to seek medical intervention?

Celeste, I don't perceive it as being an "edge," but thoughts, realizations, actions and reactions over a period of about 6 months. Failed years of work with a family marriage counselor, and piecing together the reasons for my dismal record as a failed male marriage partner led to my working with a gender counselor. She and I picked up where that left off, and we puzzled together the underlying, fundamental events, starting in my pre-pubescent years, that all pointed to my feminine nature. Some were subtle, and some jumping up and down waving red flags over my innate transsexual characteristics. When all this became clear, and after I proposed a consult with an endocrinologist to my counselor, she agreed with a referral and I never looked back.

What do you feel are the unique challenges to starting later in life?

The undeniable legacy of the physical effects of years of action by the hormone testosterone on my body. As a veteran of my own personal "gender wars," I have the hairline, face, and skeleton of a genetic male. HRT, even at the now-powerful dosages that I'm now taking, has a slow, gradual effect. Marked, but way too slow to suit me.

Also, cutting loose years of life living in my male shell, and starting afresh, was initially very challenging. But really, I not only jumped from my burning building, I'm the one who set it on fire and danced on the cold ashes. And I've been a drifter, loner, and adventurer my entire adult life, so I am able to adapt to changing situations rather quickly.

How is society dealing with seeing an established 'male', suddenly transitioning?
I am fortunate in that, now that I'm fully out and living RLE, I live and work in the very enlightened, liberal culture and society of the Seattle metropolitan area. My immediate society are my family, co-workers, and now very close friends in the trans community here. My family regards me with love, my co-workers with professional respect, and my transwoman friends with love and support, too. Most of my family and co-workers were truly shocked at my public announcements and immediate transition to RLE, but after some very awkward misplaced pronouns on their part, and my joking chiding at their slip-ups, things are pretty mellow. I find the most important thing for me is to not take myself all that seriously, yet conduct myself with dignity and self-respect. Do no harm, take no crap.

Are there benefits to starting later, that may not be available to someone starting in their teens?

Oh gosh yes, in a nutshell it's WISDOM. I have always considered myself as a student of human nature, even my own, and I try to engage in several parallel tracks of analysis when considering the motivations and implications of the words and actions of others. Over all these many years I have also cultured the ability to distance myself from myself, and observe my thoughts and actions from a third-person point of view. Applying an eye toward analysis of this peculiar creature called "me" has prevented me from some very major errors in human interaction. And after getting kicked in the pants by life, over and over again over all the years, I have a very, very thick skin when dealing with thoughtlessness, bigotry or hate. At least outwardly, of course, but that's not to say that cruelty and derision directed toward me doesn't hurt me emotionally. It certainly still does.


Are there drawbacks, compared to starting in your teens?

I never had, and never will have the opportunity to be a young woman, fall in love, have the hopes and dreams, and successes and failures of the young girl that I could have become had I acted sooner. I am now an old transwoman, elderly by some measures, but still, what I have now and that which lies before me is good, plenty good enough.

So

Enough about me. I want to urge young, questioning trans men and women to think deeply, interact with other trans folk, talk and reason and feel your trans nature. Analyze it, pick it apart, put it back together again, and get on with your decisions soon. Don't wait your entire life, as I have done, to make your decision and take your stand for the genuine real person who's right inside that shell you have built up around your heart. And we trans out here in the virtual and real worlds are ready to support and love you.

Thank you for the opportunity to comment, Ann

[Leah Lynn]

Here in Smallville, it just wasn't done back then. Oh, the scandal when a professer at the college transitioned! I'd have been ostrasized, at the very least, I'd have been kicked out of the family. Today, transitioning is happening everywhere. It's commonplace (sort of), with little stigma attached. After the denial and hiding stages, I'm finally free to be me. If I can't transition, I'll have to seek other options to live as a woman.

Downside is too many wasted years. Too many regrets.

Leah

[Rogina B]

As for benefits of starting later - well, I have a whole lot of life experience to draw upon and the benefit of having dealt, fairly successfully with the emotional challenges of growing up and living much of my adult life as someone who felt fundementally "wrong". Overcome that and maybe subsequent life challenges seem a little more manageable.



I really believe this to be true..we are "experienced"..There is no substitute for that.In my situation,I have been an "edgewalker" my whole life.The challenges of living a satisfying gender fluid lifestyle as I do,seem so easy compared to the years of challenges that I have faced.And I have the confidence that comes from that.

[kimdl93]

Here in Smallville, it just wasn't done back then. Oh, the scandal when a professer at the college transitioned! .......
Leah

You had a college where you lived?!?

[I Am Paula]

Anne Louise said-"The undeniable legacy of physical effects of that years of action by the hormone testosterone has wrought on my body. As a veteran of my own personal "gender wars," I have the hairline, face, and skeleton of a genetic male. HRT, even at the now-powerful dosages that I'm now taking, has a slow, gradual effect. Marked, but way too slow to suit me."

I have thought about this a lot, and it has been brought up by my therapist, wife, and Dr. I know, starting at 55, that I will never look like a movie star. When I was twenty, and 'just a crossdresser', this was a major concern. Now, I look at it as an inconvenience. I cannot dwell on those things I cannot change, I may as well just accept them.

I would much rather live as a homely woman, than the best looking man.

To compensate, at 6", I rarely wear heels. I wear a blazer or an open shirt over a tank or cami, and it covers some sins of the figure. My hairdressers is a genius, but my hairline is still a bit 'back there', so what! I never leave the house without makeup. It is my friend, and I put it on right out of the shower.

Beautiful. Probably not. I'm a confident woman, and the vast majority treat me as such. If I'm mistaken for a woman, great, if I'm clocked as trans, but still treated like a woman, that's every bit as good.

I really think transition is 10% physical, and the rest all about attitude.

[Ann Louise]

Yes Celeste! We homely (trans) women of the world, UNITE! To The Barricades! (smiling)

[I Am Paula]

Beth-Lock, Thanks for sharing. Sorry you had a rough go of it.
There is so little info for us older transitioners, that sharing our experiences, good and bad, is important.


Ann Louise, Using the misogynistic 0-10 scale, I'm a 3, when people get to know me I move up to a 6, some real boobs ought to move me up to a solid 6.9. I'll take it.
Our club could be called Homely but Real Transwomen. Or HRT for short.

[mikiSJ]

Last year, at 66, I decided that this person I had been shoving aside, Miki, needed to come out and be at the top of my three personalities (Michael, Mikey and Miki). I have just started to dip my toes in the HRT/Gender Transition pond, but I fear that my marriage will get in the way of being able to totally transition.

Unlike some here, I do not want to be or believe I am female, but I do believe I want to be a woman: feminine, caring and nurturing.

[Rianna Humble]

I am confused. You don't want to be female but you do want to be a woman?

[Barbara Ella]

I only opened up this part of my life 2 years ago, at age 65. I will turn 67 next month. I realized by true nature less than a year ago, and it nearly devastated me. My life did dictate some of my decisions, and/or the rapidity of any change. Like many, I threw myself into my cross dressing, thinking that I just needed more "femme" time to satisfy the growing emotions. The proverbial grasping at straws to avoid the inevitable. Around last October it became unbearable, and things had to be done. I accepted my TS, and began HRT. All in secret from the wife, who was still struggling with the concept of a male cross dressing. i prayed that time would heal her attitude toward me, and luck has been on my side. That November I took my Christmas picture, and it has been the last picture I have taken, and don't feel like posing for any more. I am just me, and don't need a physical reminder of who I am. I hope this is an age induced level of wisdom, but that is too self serving.

I do not know how to compare later vs. earlier. I truly hope I have a greater depth of wisdom. I know I will lack the physical characteristics my younger sisters will enjoy. I gladly trade this with just having the internal feelings of oneness I am feeling, and will try to keep for as long as possible, and in whatever way possible. What way? No idea, but when the time is right all a girl can do is try.

Barbara

[Tammy V]

I started transition at 47. At 40 I started moving towards transition by working on my look, learning makeup etc. and finally losing a lot of weight. About age 31 I really started investigating transition via the internet, which was new to me then, and my first assumption was that I was too old for it and my second was that it would have been nice if I grew up in a different place with a different family. When I finally sought help at age 47 I did have a wife (no kids) and good, conservative parents but I did not have the life of an established male so common at my age. In some ways I never grew up although I did work and get married. I didn't have an established career, many friends, kids etc. like so many had. So in some ways that made it easier for me to transition, combined with the fact that I passed well even before hormones. My biggest hurdle, what I considered my Mt. Everest, was coming out to my family. My dad had been a prominent citizen in this small southern city and I knew it would blow their world apart and never really believed I could do it. When I came out to my parents they instantly accepted me and had sort of known that something was deeply wrong with me and that I had been hurting for a Long time. I took the herbal hormones for awhile before starting but now I have been on HRT 15.5 months and full time almost 9 months. My wife and I separated and are now better friends and closer than we were when married although ending that marriage did cause me great pain and still causes some pain and doubts. Also, I have a younger boyfriend who my family embraces and hope to get married one day. Next year I plan to have SRS just a few months short of my 50th birthday. Life has never been anywhere close to this good.

[Stephanie-L]

I started my transition at age 50, almost 51, and will have SRS about 4 months after my 54th birthday. So, I can say that I wish I had done it much earlier. The positives are that I do have the life experience and money to do this with relative ease. I have children I love dearly. The negatives are the effects of the testosterone over those years, the negative relationships I have accumulated, and the fact that my health, while still good, is not as great as it once was.
When I was having my FFS, I met a girl who was in her early 70's and had just started transition, she had FFS and a tracheal shave. She didn't plan on SRS, but was happy with the way things were going. So, there are lots of us out there who are transitioning later in life.

[CharleneT]

I also started at 51. The above descriptions all fit in one way or another. Rianna's note pretty well tells my story. As for drawbacks ... only waiting as long as I did.