Asking about wife's acceptance

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife found out 6 years ago after after almost 30 years of marriage.

There's a lot of threads here about older SAs being unaccepting or CDing and younger SAs being accepting and encouraging, or at least nonchalant anout it.

How old was your wife/SO when you told her (or she found out) and do you think that affected her level of acceptance.

When my wife first found out she hated my CDing and it disgusted her so much she couldn't even talk about it. Now, 6 lears later, she still dislikes it very much, but can talk about it sometimes. At this rate, I'll be dead before she comes around to accepting it.

Any insights on how your wives/SOs came to accept it more?

[Sarah Beth]

I was 27 and married for three years when my wife found out. She freaked out, so I stopped for awhile, then kept it hidden, or thought I had for a sevreal years time. I had gotten job and moved about nine months or so before she could move because of her job. I was living in a little apartment alone and was enjoying that because I could dress. So I had been there about five months and she came to see me and left the kids with my folks for the weekend. I was at work and she was the apartment and when I got there for lunch my girl stuff was out of the box from under the bed and laying spread out on the bed. She asked me if I had a girl friend of if those things were mine.
I told her they were mine and she said ok then. Then she said lunch is ready and we went to eat and didn't talk about it any more.

Then after she moved to where I was a few months later she told me if I was going to "do that" not to bother her with it. As time went on she became more accepting. Don't want to bore with the details

So what made her more accepting, I have no idea. I have asked her a couple of times but she doesn't really answer.

[gailprice]

My first wife found out 10 years ago my age 44 years and she completely hated it and i was a big disappointment for her. She wanted "in her mind" a complete MAN...(yeah work that out).
Now my partner gg loves it and has done so for 10 years :)

[Stevie]

We were in the late thirties when she knew everything. I think It did affect the level of acceptance.

[kimdl93]

My first wife was 18 and she learned at the beginning of our marriage. My second wife learned at 33, a few months after we met and before we were engaged.

[Leah Lynn]

I dropped little hints over the years, and she was adamantly negative towards any such thing. However, over our 38 years together, she would usually suggest that I dress as a woman for Halloween parties. For a friend's 50th birthday, she and the friend's so wanted me to dress up and do a little performance for him. A couple years ago, for Halloween, she got me a nice outfit, and I ordered a wig. I seemed to be a big hit at the party. A short time later, she suggested I put on my girly clothes, and we'd go to another town for dinner and a movie. We had several such excursions before her passing.

Not sure what changed her, but I wish it had happened years earlier.

Hugs,

Leah

Women! If they would just understand us girls!!!!

[cdtraveler]

My wife and I had been married 10 years when she found out. Never thought she would even be willing to accept this but meeting with a gender therapist together has helped. I'm now permitted to shave my legs in the winter months and keep my make up in our bedroom closet but she doesn't want to see me dressed and talking about my dressing desires is still very awkward. Still it's been less than 2 years and I love her more today than ever for trying her best to understand and accept.

Amanda

[Cheryl T]

My wife was 'older' (sorry I won't give an age) when she first found out. Then I went back in the closet as the time wasn't right. Then I came out to her 10 years ago and because of how we had grown together I suppose she was able to find it in her heart to give me a chance. Now she's fully accepting and we're even closer.

I did tell one girl with whom I was in love when we were about 22. That ended the relationship. Of course, that was a long time ago and perceptions have changed.

[Tina B.]

First wife was around 19 or so when I told her, she left within 10 months of learning about it, but then I think she was headed that way even before, we fought a lot.
second wife was around 32 when I told her, she was great about it when I told her, didn't see it as a big deal, she knew something was eating at me, and was just glad to know what it was so we could work on it together. She went shopping with me the day I told her.
Why one accepted and the other rejected I can only guess, but the second wife had a much more open and accepting view of life than the first wife.

[Gillian Gigs]

This is a valid question as I think that people are more accepting today than in the past. My wife and I were in or around our 20th year of marriage when I told her. That would have made her about 40. She was actually relieved when I told here as she thought that I was cheating on her. Now about 20 years later she still is accepting and the only agreed upon rule that has not loosened up, as all others been removed, is me going out in public. For me that is a very small issue that I probably would not do anyhow. It did take a little time for her to realize that I was still the same person regardless of how I was dressed. Her biggest fear was that I would want to go the full distance and change my sex to become a woman. Once that fear lifted things opened up more for me.

[candicd]

We were in our late 20s when I started so we were already together and grew into this together. I think that helped her acceptance and the fact I didn't push it. She goes out with me now on the few times I am able to get out.

[Lee Andrews]

She was 19, I was 22. We had been dating for a year. The last girlfriend found out and ran for the hills screaming in terror. So for this relationship I decided to tell her because I wanted to know her reaction before I got more emotionally invested. She wasn't totally freaked out, we had some fun with it over the years but now in our 40's she is neutral with it and it is more of a solitairy thing for me now. I think I look like a guy in a dress now where as when I was younger and thinner not so much, that I believe has something to do with it. LOL

[Harley]

Before we married I told her about my other self, we were young and she was fine with it. We celebrate our 34th anniversary next month and have a great relationship. I am a guy in girls clothing and she is wonderful about it, when she knows I am stressed she will tell me to change into something comfortable. Always surprising me with shoes, lingerie, dresses, etc. Everyone needs a wife like mine.

[Jenniferathome]

It's not age, it's upbringing and education. I told my wife when she was in her early 40's after 20+ years of marriage and three kids. She is open minded, has gay friends, and was shocked! Be she was educated and brought up to recognize that people are different. She knows cross dressing is IN me, not a choice. I mean who would choose this?

[Jackie7]

Outed in 2000 after 30 years of marriage. Separated in 2002, met my new and accepting SO in 2003, divorced my original wife in 2005, moved in with my new and accepting SO in 2008, married her in 2010, happiest years of my life. It took me a while to rearrange my life, but it was essential. My former wife is much happier without me as well. You only get one life, so take the long view.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Age can have a bearing on the reaction, but it can go either way. Some women, ( people ) get more rigid as they age, some become more accepting. Some are, more accepting, but have settled into a routine, and react badly at first, then get over the shock and start to actually think about it. Those who get to be more accepting, have started to realise that life just goes on, and not to sweat the small stuff, and either see that this is small potatoes straight away, or come to compare it to other possibilities, ( being an axe murderer, terrorist, someone who talks at the theatre, that sort of thing. )

"so, he likes to dress in women's clothing" shrug. If it doesn't hurt the budget, that's OK then.

My GF was completely accepting straight off the bat, "Oh Cool!" I think she would have been that way as a younger girl, ( she was close to 40 when I told her ) but the last 6 or 7 years have given her a shaper understanding of what really, matters.

[WandaRae2009]

We were married for around 22 years around 3 years ago when she found out. It seems that the urges to dress were getting stronger or I just didn't care any more, but I started underdressing. My wife found a pair of pantyhose in my briefcase and the proverbial #%&$ hit the fan. I though our marriage was over. I arranged for a counseling session with a counselor I identified through a local support group. In the one meeting including my wife, we hashed out a lot of things, and the counselor explained that the urges are real and they are not going away. We set a lot of ground rules. We are still on a DADT status, I will not supply if she doesn't ask. She knows I dress when I am home alone. She will call ahead to make sure it is "OK" to come home. I have said she can always come home but I will support her in not wanting to see Wanda. One was that we never tell the children ages 24 & 21. I think they suspect as my son has shown up unexpected a couple of times and has noticed the scrambling.

At first she wouldn't let me go clothes shopping with her. I think it made her uncomfortable that I my be looking for myself. I do go shopping with her now and she values my opinion. However, she never asked if I wanted anything for myself while we were shopping.

I do hope someday she will embrace my female side.

Good luck to you.

[Joanne f]

I personally do not think that age has a lot to do with it but more on how much knowledge that they have of it, younger people these days know a lot more so are inclined to be more open minded about it, my wife was about 21 when she found out about me ( she is a lot younger than me still in her 40s) but she knew very little about it if anything at all so at first it confused her and then it was more to do with her notion of love,marriage and then a bit of knowledge that helped her to accept what I am like , because of the internet , television and stories in the papers and seeing people out and about like it younger ones know so much more , if you think about it there are similarity's to the sexual revolution years ago no one talked about it now it is just a part of every day life to talk about it with the younger ones so there is always going to be a bit more difficulty with the older ones being able to accept it unless that they are the open mined type so it is really not their fault but just a question of being born in the wrong time .
( I have always said this and no doubt always will , my wife is now more accepting of it than I am )

[Allison Chaynes]

My wife found out about ten years ago, we had been married three years at that time, and at the time I thought it was just a lingerie fetish. She as fine with it as long as that was all. About five years ago I realized it was more, and she found my copy of "My Husband Betty" that I was reading. She seemed OK with knowing I was a full fledged CD, but it's been a roller coaster, sometimes she's fine with it, other times not so much. She has never brought it up in arguments or disagreements, but she's told me she wishes it had not happened. We are in our early thirties.

[SophieKitty]

I'm sooooo glad I'm single right now, gives me a chance to find someone who likes me for who I am :)

[Leona]

My wife was 34 when I told her, and we'd been together for a little over a year, still not married. She viewed it as pure hypocrisy that she was having trouble accepting it, and so she made it her goal to be accepting. It wasn't easy, and she still has periods where she'd rather not see it, but she still views it as pure hypocrisy not to accept.

At the same time, by exploring that part of me, she's been exploring parts of herself that has provided tremendous growth potential to her. I couldn't say how much growth she's enjoyed because of it, though.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Mine knew before marriage, still many years later doesn't accept it, like it, want much to do with it. Panties and hose are ok, once in a while. Anything more is something she prefers not to know, think about, or acknowledge. I wouldn't say its an age issue, or a generational thing, I just think for some women it affects them more than others. Some are just plain disgusted or ashamed of the fact their Hubby is a CD, others can roll with it a little easier. It can be a deal breaker, not always, and I think that's true of women of all ages.

[chris80]

I was 35 when my wife found out, after 12 years of marriage. I told her, thinking 'divorce' but she was relieved that there was not another woman. 'oh ,that explains a lot of things in the past' was her comment, 'I'll help you'
I had dropped many hints re fancy dress etc but she had not taken them on board. My mother had apparently told her that as a child I had had a thing for satin, the edging on a blanket had to be replaced with the real thing, difficult to get hold of just postwar. I don't know that mother had mentioned my demand for dresses at age four, always refused. I had no sisters.
She slowly got used to me in skirts, then boobs and a wig. Found my style and we go shopping together, sometimes with me dressed. Most recently in Harrogate while on a TV weekend in Yorkshire, and we browsed the sale racks where she found a super dress for me, black prom dress top with an off-white full skirt. Now I have many more female clothes than men's wear and wear them around the house and when away on weekends.

[heatherdress]

The disappearance of children in later years can lessen a spouse's worries.

[Kathinja Galaxy]

Well.. My wife didn't find out, more than point out.. LOL. I was 19, she 18. I was walking home from school with heavy emo makeup on, and large swooping strapped pants with black and red + a tight batman T-shirt. She was simply smiling during the walk till about half way, when she just said it.. "You really like being Feminine, Don't you?". I was so stunned I stopped dead in my tracks xD I had never thought about it till that moment, but I was a VERY effeminite male, and had always been picked on for such things. When she said it, my own mind was like "..Duh!". Shortly after, we both moved in with my sister (3 years my senior) and for 6 months, I got to practice wearing my sisters outfits, hand-picked by amazing SO. She helped me perfect my makeup techniques, and showed me what kinds of things looked good with different shapes.. Prior, I had a lot of artistic experience and had always gotten lost in creating women avatars on games and roleplaying forums.. so it was really easy to apply myself. I felt like crying, for the first time I felt like my real self, and it was all thanks to my wifes artistic eye and unending acceptance of me. I have a lot of perspective, and feel very lucky to have had this type of scenario, as I've chatted with several other CDs and its very rarely a fully accepted thing.. I hope eventually eveyone will be able to be themselves whenever and wherever, regardless of who's about.. Thats my hope anyways ;P

[natalialimapoa]

I am 22, my girlfriend is 21. We have been dating for 6 months now, and I told about my CDing 1 month ago.

Until now, she alredy bought me shoes and lingerie, and practiced her make up skills in me. She doesnt mind if I use her clothes.

So, I guess I am a lucky girl, and I can see a long crossdresser journey in front of me :)

[Rogina B]

In order to draw any conclusion from this thread easily,it seems there should be "A" Found out or "B" Was told at the top of each reply as that is far a bigger part than "age of SO" from having been around this forum for a good bit.

[Beverley Sims]

It is a slow process and only a little bit at a time.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I had decided to be upfront from the beginning. Jeannie was admittedly not familiar with what TG/CD meant. But to her credit she spent a few days on the internet and waded through a lot of misinformation and drew her own conclusions. When I asked her later what made her mind up, she replied "It's more about how you treat me." She even asked me to bring photos with me the first time we met in person. So for those of you who know me it was hard finding even one photo to show her :heehee: .

[Raychel]

I told my wife about 7 years ago, She was about 42 years old, We had been married 13 years.
She did freak out, But in all honesty it was certainly not the best time for her. Her father was dealing with Cancer
and eventually died from it. We had a very rough time for a while. But over the years she has grown to accept it as part
of who I am. She says she is really fine with it, It is just part of me.

At first she said she didn't every want to see me dressed. Now she has seen me, and is fine with it, she accepts that I
am still the same person, I just like to dress in pretty clothes.

It has been a very long process, but She is happy and I am happy, so life is good.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Steffi, My wife has known for almost 50 yrs. it wenr from acceptance to just tolerating it now it's a DA/DT thinggie now.

[suchacutie]

We discovered Tina together after 34 years of marriage. Tina has been a joint effort ever since. We are both incredibly curious about how Tina could have hidden all that time and what parts on the overall me belongs to Tina and what parts are actually the male me. It's terrific to share this adventure.

[Amanda M]

My wife knew, before we were married, that I cross dressed - to the best of my recollection. She was wonderful about it, but sadly, I screwed things up rather badly. I guess I was in my mid twenties, and had landed a very high profile (locally) job, and perhaps, all of that went to my head. Suffice it to say that I was so wrapped up in myself, and my other persona (because in my case, I think, that is what it is that I pushed and pushed and pushed, until the envelope burst. In retrospect, I cannot for one minute fault her reasoning. From her perspective, I had gone from being (in a sexual sense) a totally loving and satisfying husband to someone who was so wrapped up in him/herself that she felt, quite rightly, excluded. Hindsight is, of course, 20/20 vision, and now I can see with total clarity, how she felt. This was the woman I loved, whom I had vowed to honour and cherish, but in fact, I hurt her as deeply as a woman can be hurt. No excuse. Just selfishness.

To cut a long story short, our marriage survived that storm, and we are still together. I love this lady more than anything else in the world. I stayed away from cross dressing for years, until relatively recently, when it came back with a bang. I did not act on the urges, I asked if we could talk, and we did. She said, basically, if you are happy wearing a skirt (shorthand), that´s fine by me, but I am so afraid that this is history repeating itself. In a situation like this, there is no point in saying "Well of course it will be different this time" - the same sad alcoholic´s response. Actions speak louder than words, and I have been working at it to the extent that this incredible person now trusts what I say. Putting my psychotherapist´s hat on for a moment, trust is a fragile flower.. It can so easily be broken for years after one act of irresponsibility. Therefore, to all of my fellow members out there, I want to say to your partner, be honest, and never, never make promise you cannot keep.

That has worked for us, and I am eternally grateful for that.

Best,
Amanda.