denial and acceptance

[arbon]

Someone posted a clip from the tv show Soap in the media section - dang it brought back memories. I remember watching it when I was young, around 8 or 9 (when my mom realized what it was she made me turn the channel). I remember being afraid that that is what I was. It really scarred me.

So did the movie Grease when I realized I wanted to be a pink lady, not a t-bird lol (it seems very silly now I know!!)

And a tv talk show with either transvestites or transsexuals - I just did not want to be that. I remember looking at my grandma and aunt that day and could imagine what they would think of me if they ever knew.

The way I felt, what I would think, what I secretly wanted - it was so unacceptable to me, it was wrong to be trans or gay. I was wrong to be me. I tried so hard not to be that. I tried so hard to bury it inside me.

I was so scarred of the reality.

It took me a long to start being able to accept myself, and even still today I don't know if I entirely do. Sometimes those tapes in my head about how wrong it is to be trans can still start playing a little.

Its all so messed up really.

[dreamer_2.0]

It's all so messed up indeed. :S

You're not the only one who wanted to be a pink lady instead of a t-bird. :)

[Amy A]

The day when I finally stopped fighting and decided to transition was one of the most frightening days of my life. People tell me that I am brave, but it felt more like giving in to me, and admitting that I had failed at trying to be male.

Transitioning was something I had feared for a long time; I'd built my life as a man and a big part of me wanted to succeed with that, but I always had this thought at the back of my mind: 'what if it becomes too much? What if my need to be female destroys all of this?'. On top of that is the fear of becoming someone that society repeatedly portrays as somehow lesser, and object of ridicule. But ultimately when the GD did become to severe, it was far worse than I could ever have imagined, and I know that there's no way I can turn back now.

Truth is as well, you have to ask yourself, which future scares you more? The one as a trans-woman, living life as you want to, with the freedom to express who you are but with all the negative crap that comes from being trans, or the future trapped in a role that you don't belong in, slowly becoming more and more bitter over the years until perhaps finally giving in later in life anyway, when the chances of successful transition are lower and you can no longer enjoy femininity in youth.

I think self acceptance takes a very long time, longer for some than others. I know it'll be a good while before I can look in the mirror and be at peace with what I see.

Amy x

[bas1985]

I was 12, in 1985. I was in the waiting room of my doctor because my breasts were growing and my mother told me to go there to know if there was a cure (how funny!). In the magazines in the room there was an article about TSs in Brasil who went there to be "operated". It was the first time I knew the term. I remember saying to myself: "So there is this type of thing..." but it made me ashamed. It was too dirty, too... much. I remember well the photo of these TSs in Rio de Janeiro dressed like girls, they seemed girls in bikini.

Later... in the same year, I saw an article in a magazine about a husband (English I remember) who transitioned at the age of 50 (more or less). There was a pictures of two ladies taking tea together and the caption said "Me and my wife have stayed good friends". It was funny.

Also in that case I had a glimpse of my fate, but I was scared. The story of the transition was like a magnet for me, I began to know about hormones, and also the "operation" which was depicted like a sort of "mistery", "magic" wand which transformed male to females.

The story was a magnet, but at the same time I tried to take distances from that. "I am NOT THAT", "I can handle THAT differently", at that age I was a classic CD in the closet, living "en femme" when my mother went away, dreaming about my breasts... the doctors tried to know why they grew a little... secretly I wanted them to grow more, I tried to massage them every morning, I thought that wearing a bra would make them grow bigger... :) (That is the reason of my nick: Breast addicted since 1985).

Well... long story short. I thought I could handle it differently. And here I am, at 40, one failed marriage, two children... with the same thought. I MIGHT handle it differently, but it seems that the only option left is surrender to my fate and transitioning. Still... still the power of denial is strong. The images of those TSs in Rio, in bikini, dancing in the streets... well, still is in my mind as an opportunity to be really full, but also a frightening path of war to be accepted, understood.

[LeaP]

I know the feeling well. Coming across TS material of any sort was electrifying. If in print, I would hide it and read it again and again. There were a few books in the library I would seek out also and find a corner to read. And if something came on TV, I would try my hardest not to show that I was riveted to the screen.

[Rogina B]

Like Lea,many of us probably were like that.In addition to the TV,I enjoyed fashion type magazines as well..My mother didn't miss much and often said"I have very diverse interests" with a smile..

[Maryanne_sa]

I totally relate to what you have written, as I am sure most of us do. The feeling of shame, and all that goes with it. The pretending not to look at girls clothes and shoes in the shop windows. Desperate to want to be a girl.
Wanting to do all the things that GG's do naturally, dressing up, wearing make-up - all of those things, and the despair at not been able to do them.

Initially thinking you are the only one in the world. The relief when you first find out you are not. The long road to acceptance. The fears and anxieties! Wow, who would choose it. Well, we don't! It's there and the sorrow of it is, in my generation certainly, of not being able to deal with it at a much earlier age. and as Amy A says, 'Not being able to enjoy the femininity of youth'.

However, better late, than never, and I am happy now, living my life as Maryanne, and the freedom and peace that entails.

[Jorja]

In those early years I was the same as most describe here. I was so scarred of the reality. By the time I hit my 20's something had to be done or I would be done. I had already tried to kill myself three times and was getting better at it. Lucky for me I was introduced to three trans women, two of whom were post-op. I would have never suspected these girls were anything but the real deal, born female at birth. They all helped me understand and accept myself for what and who I am. From that time on, Jorja was brought out and I moved ahead with my life. As I progressed, all that noise and confusion just disappeared. Yes, there were major heartaches, tragedies, and drama along the way but in the end I was the person I should have been all a long.

Now days, most people I come in contact do not know the difference. All they see is a real deal born female at birth, so they think. I do not offer any explanation with meeting someone. ;)

[Barbara Ella]

I agree, it is all so messed up. I am just now living through what a lot of you went through, what to me is many many many years ago. I was not given these thoughts back then. I have not had the time to live through, knowing this, to build up the resentment, ill feelings (or whatever you wish to call them), of knowing I was not who I was supposed to be. I have only had these feelings for less than two years. I did many of the same things you girls did at the same age, but I did not realize then how they tied into myself, not a clue, hated my body, but had another fixation that clouded my female nature. My loss.

So now I am going through many of the same realization and acceptance issues many of you went through years ago, or are going through now at your tender age (and that may be anywhere between 15 and 60...lol). Your angst comes from not knowing what your future is, and how your decisions will really affect the future, other than knowing you must be true, somehow. I on the other hand, have my future fixed, at 66 years old, I know exactly what my remaining years will hod for me, so I know exactly what I stand to lose, and to me that is scarier than not knowing. So those tapes you talk about, Arbon, start playing, and are listened to against the backdrop of a known future that might be removed. Makes it very hard not to say it is all wrong, and forget it. I don't have that many years left to build up the resistance to these thoughts that many of you did over more than a few years, so I don't know if I will ever be able to turn off the tapes. Like my signature says, I may never even get to the dance, much less ever fly.

"Its all so messed up really."

Barbara

[IamSara]

I know the feeling on the tv shows. I am going back and catching up on all the seasons of Grey's Anatomy. There was one episode I think in season 2 where a TS woman was having her SRS there in the hospital. I sat there watching it and just wishing it was me there for real. This went on until my wife says " There ain't no way that is going to happen to you if you want to stay married to me". Talk about breaking up a nice dream and desire.

[kimdl93]

I remember feeling uncomfortable about Soap and Corporal Klinger, and all the drag characters in Monty Python, as well as any real life stories on 60 Minutes, for example, that dealt with transsexual males. My fear was that my siblings, parents or friends might recognize something in the fictional characters or real people and relate it back to me. I was pretty certain that whatever it was about me, it showed.

And to some extent I was right - because as a young child - under 5 years of age I was teased for being effeminate.

I know exactly what you mean about the tapes in my head, the negative self talk that pervades our youth. That self loathing not only kept me from exploring my feminine side more completely and earlier in life, it also affected my general attitude about myself. How could it not? I suspect that's true for many of us.

[stefan37]

Denial and acceptance go hand in hand. I denied and suppressed for quite some time my true self. I denied from fear of loss, humiliation ridicule and many other fears. I was not this thing, this transsexual. I can control it and die the way I was born. if only life was so simple. It reached a crescendo and realized I had to accept the truth I was transsexual and the reality was I had to transition. It has been this acceptance that has allowed to progress. To endure the losses I have incurred and give me the self confidence and strength to go into the unknown without fear. Two very powerful forces denial and acceptance. we can deny all we want but until we face the truth and accept can we grow as the person we should have been born as.

[DebbieL]

It wasn't until just before my father died that I realized that even though my parents knew I was transsexual, they were actually trying to PROTECT me.

Most people don't know who they are talking to when they say these things. My grandfather loved me deeply and I loved him, but when he saw me looking at a girl in a pair of "Hot Pants", he told me "She's a ***** and she's going to burn in hell". What he didn't know is that I wanted to BE THAT GIRL, BE DRESSED LIKE HER, and BE AS PRETTY AS HER. When he told me that, I realized that he was unsafe. At the time, I was about 7 years old, and was suffering from severe asthma. The attacks were so severe that I had to be rushed to the emergency room of Children's hospital and spend 2 weeks in the hospital, usually every 4-8 weeks.

The hospital at that point was a terrifying place. I had veins that rolled every time they tried to sink an IV, and they often had to stab me 20-30 times for each visit. Sometimes, they had to strap my arms or feet to boards to make sure I didn't damage the fragile veins being fed by the IV. They had to give me drugs that caused feelings of fear to the point where I would throw up and convulse, not even knowing why. The drugs also kept me up, often allowing me only 2-3 hours of naps during a 24 hour day. The oxygen tent meant no radio, no television, nothing electrical, and no toys. I could read books and color, but that could get boring pretty quick too, especially when I could read a book in about an hour. Eventually, my mom had to bring stacks of books every day. The boredom was interrupted by moments of sheer terror, as they made be breath from a mask and what I was breathing made me want to throw up. They would suction my sinuses. And there were more needles, X-rays, and tests.

Sometimes, the only consolation was the very pretty short white mini-dresses the nurses wore. I would imagine myself in their outfit, being a nurse, and watching them do whatever they were doing to me. It was an escape from torture, similar to a tactic used by incest survivors and torture survivors. The problem was that I couldn't hate the doctors and nurses, or blame them, since they were just trying to save my life when it really needed saving. I could even tell that they really hated to see me suffer that way. I concluded that it was MY FAULT, because I wanted to be a girl. I figured God was punishing me because I wanted to be like those pretty girls I saw on the street, the ones my grandfather told me were going to hell.

I survived, but two of my cousins didn't. One killed himself when he was 10, giving himself the shot used to put down dogs. He knew how long it would take, repented his sins, and wrote the good-bye note explaining that if he stayed alive, he would go to hell for his "unnatural desires". Another cousin I knew better, who was both gay and transgendered, killed himself in a similar way when he was 14 years old.

When I tried to discuss my feelings about wanting to be a girl with my parents, with therapists, and with other adults who I might be able to trust, they told me that I couldn't even talk about it. What I didn't know at the time was that the "cure" for my condition back in those days wasn't HRT and SRS, it was Electro-shock Therapy - 3 sessions of 30 treatments in 30 days per session, with the sessions 1-2 months apart. My mom told me about what it was like when she received similar treatments. She described the terror of being grabbed by 4-5 big strong men who would grab her, force her down as they strapped her to the gurney, without any sedatives. They would take her to the treatment room, clamp her head in position, then attach the electrodes. When they pushed the button that sent the voltage surging through her body, every muscle in her body would cramp all at once. It often took 30-40 seconds for her to finally pass out, as the current erased parts of her mind.

My mother would have done ANYTHING to prevent her little baby from having to go through that. I couldn't even imagine what it would have been like to be an 8 year old child being strapped down and tortured like that. Back in those days, they didn't use sedatives, paralytics, or anything to ease the pain. It was considered an essential part of the treatment. If zapping your brain didn't cure you, the pain would make you claim you didn't want to be a girl anymore.

My mother had also learned that if the shock treatments didn't work, they would have to lobotomize me, potentially turning me into a vegetable for the rest of my very long life.

Since I couldn't discuss it with anyone, I had to deal with it all on my own. When my testicles dropped, and puberty was obviously started, I became more and more depressed. Hair grew on my body, my voice dropped to bass, and I shot to about 6 foot tall. It was hell. I wanted to stop the changes, but I couldn't. I tried to mutilate myself, tried to stop the testosterone production by taking baths so hot it caused blisters in hopes of poaching them, I tied them up in rubber bands, and even tried crushing them with a 2x4 and a big hammer.

When I realized that I was trapped in the boys body forever, I didn't want to live. I started drinking, drugs, and soon was drinking myself into black-outs. From what my friends described, it was clear that with enough drugs, Rex would go to sleep, and Debbie could come out and play. Debbie would either be a **** or a bitch. The **** would usually end up in the coat room with her head between the legs of whoever brought her there. The bitch would verbally emasculate men and try to get them to beat her to death, or at least kick her so hard between the legs that SRS would no longer be necessary.

By the time I was 25, I had tried to kill myself or have someone else kill me at least 100 times. There were times when I would try twice a week. It was literally a miracle that I survived most of these attempts. I guess God wasn't done with me yet.

Eventually, I found a sponsor in AA and NA who could help me deal with being transgender. He helped me take the first steps, asking me to do an inventory as Debbie, to do my 5th step as Debbie, and to start going to meetings and social events as Debbie. My wife and I went to couple's counseling, and he realized immediately that I wasn't just a cross-dresser, I was a transsexual, and strongly recommended that I transition, referring me to a gender therapist.

My grandfather was dead by then. My grandmother couldn't see me very well, and when I came to see her for her 100th birthday, she asked who I was, and I told her it was Rex. She said "How's my favorite grandchild", then she asked "Are you a boy or a girl?". I told her I was a boy, and she looked sad. She knew better than anyone what I was, and loved me just as I was. I think she was hoping that I would transition before she died. She lived another year, and even though I never went dressed as Debbie, I often spoke in my femme voice and she seemed much happier.

I was so lucky to have grown up in a family that was so incredibly loving. Yes, mom needed help, but by the time I was 5, she was healthier emotionally than most mothers, was very loving, and very caring. My father loved me too, and would have done anything for me and my siblings. I realize now that if HRT and SRS had been an option back in the early 1960s, he and mom would have done everything they could to get them. I had heard about Christine Jorgensen, and my parents went to see the movie, and mom read the book, but they realized that the procedure would not have been anything like it is today, and that I might not be able to experience any sort of sexual pleasure ever again.

We have to remember, especially if we are older than 30 years old, that HRT and SRS were not real solutions for most people until the late 1980s or early 1990s, and it has only been since 2010 that the American Psychology Association formally established that treatment for Gender Identity Disorder should be transition and that trying to get someone to accept their birth gender was UNETHICAL.

[KellyJameson]

We do not consciously choose our gender identity, it chooses us by how we experience others in relationship to ourself.

This identity is fixed in that you are born predisposed toward one gender identity or the other and it only becomes a problem when this does not match the external reality of body and society.

The mind at it's core knows the truth of itself even when this truth keeps being rejected (suppressed)

Not only in regards to gender identity but sexual identity.

The farther removed you are from your natural gender or sexual identity the greater the internal tension because the mind must live as it knows itself to be and the mind will always search for understanding and answer to the eternal question of "who am I" but to answer this question you must be in a position to live the answer.

Transsexuals in childhood will always be looking for a solution to "their problem" while fearing the implications of "their problem"

Children know the truth of who they are as "gender identity" long before they know who they are as "sexual identity" and gender identity is not fluid where sexual identity may be.

You cannot change gender identity but it is possible to change sexual identity.

The reason gender identity is fixed is because it is written on the mind when the mind is a blank slate and this "blankness" allows the mind to have a "knowing" that transcends words.

A child will ignore what they are told by adults as to their gender when they "know" that the adults are wrong but it is not a conscious choice but rather the child will split in two to accomodate the adult world while keeping their own world intact as they know this world to be.

When a transsexual child is not recognized they go into dissociation as "multiple gender identities" until they can rectify this split at a later time. They pretend to be one while knowing they are another while doubting the truth of what they know which causes massive amounts of anxiety from the mind not being able to have confidence in it's ability to do "reality testing" (know what is true and what is not)

The child is trapped between it's own mind and the authorities and peers the child looks to for guidance, protection and self definition as "identity"

We look to others for our identity but concerning gender identity we already know it because it is innate and it is this ability to know it combined with the need for others for identity beyond gender that creates the danger for the transsexual child who enters adulthood in pain (confusion) and the pain of (identity conflict)

Someone is deceiving the child but the child does not know if this deception is the childs own mind or everyone else

This creates a profound mistrust in the child of who to believe that takes the child into anxiety and possible paranoia.

The transsexual struggles to heal this split that adults and peers have innocently caused by not "seeing" the true gender of the child.

This becomes "the problem" that seeks solution or you will destroy yourself from not being able to evolve into your known identity formed in the first years of life.

Not living your known identity leaves you feeling "crazy" but you also feel "crazy" trying to find it and live it because you are going against everything you have been taught that has been labelled as "true" regarding your gender identity.

It is impossible to change your gender identity. You have only two choices.

Live it or live with the consequences of not living it. For the transsexual both choices have consequences and the choice is made for you by the pain you can or cannot endure.

Always it is the pain doing the talking until you begin to move beyond it by moving toward the truth that you knew as a child.

This is why many choose suicide as escape.

They are trapped between the pain that their circumstances dictate and see no way out of it.

[arbon]

And a tv talk show with either transvestites or transsexuals - I just did not want to be that. I remember looking at my grandma and aunt that day and could imagine what they would think of me if they ever knew.

.

Commenting on my own comment, hmm...

anyway, I don't know what my aunt would have thought she died before I came out. But my grandma and most of the rest of my relatives pretty much treat me like I don't exist anymore, I guess it was as bad as what I feared it would be. Makes it harder having a daughter, though, who I want to have family connections, she needs those..... so when she goes to visit the family (I'm not allowed) their rule is no one can talk about me when she is around them, and at 13 she has learned it is best not to say anything about me around them to :-/

[PaulaQ]

It's terrible that your family has abandoned you. It's terrible, too, feeling like a modern-day leper - you suffer terribly, yet instead of compassion for your misery, many hate and fear you.

In the end, it's likely that your daughter will decide that she doesn't care much for your extended family, because she'll see the injustice in how they treat you. Their intolerance will end up hurting them twice - once for losing you, and once for losing your daughter. It may not be much longer either, depending on her personality. I'm not saying that to make you feel better or worse - I've just seen reactions like that happen. It's sad when people are so blind that they can't see that they way they behave is vastly worse than *ANYTHING* they imagine of you.

As for accepting yourself in the face of other's hate - you just have to keep telling yourself over and over again "THEY. ARE. WRONG." I find a small amount of righteous anger helps me a little with this. But of course I'm nowhere near as far down the rabbit hole as you are, so perhaps by the time I reach your place, that'll have run out of steam for me too. Hope not - I have a lifetime supply of anger and it's nice to have a constructive purpose to which to apply it.

As for me, I denied this my whole life until earlier this year. It's come fast for me. I guess I've accepted it about myself, because the alternative is death. I also tell myself, when I have those "what in the **** am I doing?" thoughts, that my opinion about how reasonable this all is makes not one particle of difference. I'm trying to feel better, and whatever I have to do for that is what I'll do, reason be damned. Sometimes that's really hard though.

[Rogina B]

Arbon,it won't be long before your daughter doesn't care to see them..and who could blame her. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't do anything to harm them...it is YOUR life,not theirs!

[LaurenB]

Denial, in my experience, is one of the strongest forces on earth. I related to all of the media references above. Remember when the Rocky Horror Picture Show came out. All my friends went and I didn't. I had seen the trailers and posters and just knew I'd be sitting there with my friends and girlfriend and be crawling the walls in my head. Is that me? I wondered. Even oblique references. Remember the Seinfeld episode about the "Bro" (side note: I had a rather obvious case of gyno my whole life). The next day at work the guy's are all discussing it and I couldn't go near it for fear of one thing leading to another.

But personal acceptance dawned privately some years later. It really took time and the recovery from testosterone poisoning to happen. It also took a wife that simultaneously went through menopause I think. One the other side of that slow process our relationship became less dependent on societal norms and expectations as it did when we were raising our daughter and son. The suburban, societal and professional competition; the rat race.

This evolution of acceptance of myself by myself and then by my wife has been eroding denial like the sea slowly reclaims and sea wall. And it's almost that slow. How strong denial is.

[melissakozak]

Without self acceptance, a real, deep, personal self acceptance, nothing else falls into place. With self acceptance, self confidence and strength naturally follow...

[Marleena]

Denial was a tough one until the GD hit then there was no denying it. I'm still struggling with the acceptance part. I'm sure it would be much better if I lived in, say California where more of the TS girls are. There is nothing in place here in this city for TG/TS people. I have never met another TS girl here and feel all alone. I've mentioned before how transphobic this city is. Unfortunately moving is out of the question due to financial constraints.

I also know things could be worse I have my health and a wife so far.

[arbon]

Arbon,it won't be long before your daughter doesn't care to see them..and who could blame her.

I hope not. She needs those relationships, regardless some peoples perception of me. Its sounds bad writing it out the way I did, but its mostly just an annoying, unfortunate situation to me. That fear of being rejected is long gone for me, and eventually I think some of those people will come around.

[Marleena]

Arbon your family are unnecessarily cruel here. This is a worst case scenario. The problem with cisgender people is they only see black and white. They never deal with gender issues and to them this is almost impossible to understand as they only knew you as a guy. I think your daughter is the one most likely to come around first. I must also say you are incredibly brave to go on with your transition with no family support system.

[arbon]

I do have family support - my daughter and my wife both support me. And my mother in law has been incredibly supportive (even though she was a serious 7th day adventist at the time I came out - she has since left the church, I'm not sure if that was because of me or what) my father in law though does not want me to come to his house unless I come as a man - so my wife and daughter go see him and I stay home.

And my brother is supportive - well he was supportive for a while then turned against me and threatened me, but then came around to being supportive again (weird how all that played out)

My mother is still somewhere in-between. She still can't get her mind around it, but she tries.

I have the support I need, and I am very grateful for it.

[Marleena]

Ahh.. okay I read it wrong then. Sounded like you were being shunned by the family. You're still brave though, in fact everybody that starts on the transition path has to be when coming out to family.

[arbon]

The ones that are shunning me are my grandmother, uncles and their families. The native american side, the ones that are supposed to be so accepting of trans people - nope! lol

[LeaP]

It's one thing to have ideals and beliefs, another to confront them. You could be married to a liberal activist who has supported trans rights, and STILL hit the wall at home. Just the way reality works.

[stefan37]

Peoples attitudes on gender and changing gender kinda has that effect.

[melissaK]

A nice thread to read. Everyone's contributions were terrific.

Arbon, I know you started the thread with a comment on the bit of recurring self doubt, and it set a nice tone for others to follow up on. Sometimes those old negative self acceptance issues play for me too. You reviewed who has and who hasn't accepted you, and I think I get some of what you are saying. Last week a very good friend unfriended me and called off our weekly couples dinner plans that have been ongoing for years. I'm taking it hard; makes those old self doubts recur.

Kelly, nice analysis, I think your perception and explanations have matured nicely and sensibly. PM me if you have footnotes, and if you can clarify "we can change sexual identity." I mean I agree, but I think you left us (well at least me) hanging on the explanation. :-)

[Rachel Smith]

I think the denial comes from the fear of humiliation. That is what causes the denial FEAR. Fear of ridicule, fear of embarrassing family members and friends. Knowing that after you "come clean", which is what I perfer to "coming out" because while you are coming out to the world you are "coming clean" to yourself and it is very cleansing, you will most likely lose some family and friends as collateral damage. The day you come to grips with not worring about the humilation the fear is greatly lessened. The self-doubt will still be there, at least it is for me, it too is greatly lessened.