Learning to Cry

[Emma Beth]

I've been thinking about this particular subject for quite a while now and I saw Find myself crying... (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?200019-Find-myself-crying...) this morning on here. I was inspired to finally put these thoughts down and post.

I can remember growing up and being told the cliche "big boys don't cry" and I still cried in private well into my teens.

I remember going into the US Navy and I can say that my life in the Military wasn't stellar, but I can say that I hold no regrets about serving either.

I can also say that was where and when most of my blocks fell into place and it has taken me twenty years to begin to take down those walls, brick by brick, and discover the real me.

I have been walking this path since Spring and lately I also find myself crying at odd times when I am at home alone.

However, there is a period over the Summer, and there are odd times still, where I feel like I need to cry and can't.

It sometimes feels like I have forgotten how to let it go like I used to when I was younger.

I feel the emotions welling up and my whole body feels just like I am crying, but those darn tears just won't follow.

Yesterday I was reading a wonderfully written romance on my computer that was written by one of my best friends on here and when I neared the end I was in a snot slobbering broken dam cry and had to cuddle a stuffed animal to keep my tears from getting into my keyboard.

I had a hard time stopping because I felt my emotions and reasoning making circles that made me feel good to be crying like that.

The intensity was incredible, and I'm not on hormones yet.

After I was finally cried out it really hit me that as we walk the path that we do, we are constantly learning.

We learn how to dress and put on our makeup, we learn what makes us tick, and we learn how to shed those blocks that those around us as we grew up inadvertently or deliberately put into place within us.

Here's to another brick in the wall being removed.

Speaking of which, I now understand that Pink Floyd song more deeply than I ever had.

Hugs and Tears of Joy,
Liz

EDIT: By the way, I recommend watching that video that was posted by TeresaL if you want a good cry. Here's another link for that video of "Oh Sweet Lorrain" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDi4hBWsvkY).

[Persephone]

Congratulations on removing that brick, Elizabeth. And thank you for your posting.

Now we'll have to learn the trick of crying without ruining mascara!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Emma Beth]

LOL, thank you Persephone.

There is a lot to learn, more than just the obvious external things we have to learn and change.

If there's a will there's a way. If it can be done, eventually someone will figure it out. For now, I think not wearing mascara is the only way it won't get ruined when we cry, lol.

Now I just have to find the right sledge hammer and knock the rest of that darn wall down.

-Liz

[Ann Louise]

Hun, that's the true, genuine you peeking through. She has successfully survived all those long years hidden behind those barriers, and she's OK and doing better now! Celebrate! Care for and nurture yourself.

Warm best wishes, Ann

[Emma Beth]

Thank you Ann. That's exactly what I am doing. Sometimes it just feels, I don't know, strange I guess.

I now realize that she's been there all along and I wasn't aware of her back then. She decided to go into hiding and helped build those walls because of that testosterone filled environment and now she's helping to tear down those barriers from the other side. Other times it feels like she ducks down or puts her hand over the holes that are now there because she's being modest or something.

Perhaps she's letting me back in gently so I don't feel overwhelmed by what's really in there so I keep my sanity.

Whatever the reason things are happening the way they are, I know I am made of tougher stuff and wish some things would just let go.

-Liz

[Angela Campbell]

It is not "learning" to cry. It is allowing yourself to. Going with the Pink Floyd reference, you have been "comfortably numb" now you are beginning to feel again.

[Emma Beth]

I see what you're saying Ellen. However, it does feel like learning to cry all over again at times.

Besides, I preferred the "Learning to Cry" pun myself. I guess it's just a matter of perspective really.

-Liz

[Jorja]

I don't know about any of the rest of you but when I cry it is like a clearing of emotions. Then I can proceed and think clearly.

[Leona]

I really like the idea of tearing down the wall, to be honest. Do we get to tear up a school while we're at it?

[Emma Beth]

Jorja, when I do cry it is just that for me.

In the past when I had a big problem that had high emotions running. I would usually do something like go for a walk, argue with my Wife, or withdraw and let things clear to figure out the problem with a clear head.

Now, I much prefer to cry and get it done with because the other methods seemed to take far too long and felt worse.

Not to mention the relief from all that intense emotion being released.

Something that I just realized is that I kind of like crying at the moment, it makes me happy that I can after all those empty years of filtering or hiding my emotions from myself and the world.

-Liz