A possible "big" day

[jenni_xx]

As some of you may know, my partner and I had a civil ceremony a while back. Recently, a bill was passed in the UK allowing gay couples to marry (in the official sense of the word) back in July. This bill coming into effect next year, seeing the first (officially recognised gay marriages) being expected to take place next summer.

My partner and I have discussed the possibility/probability of "renewing" our vows and becoming "officially" married.

For a while now, I've had what you could call fantasy feelings about this. That is, being a bride for the day. I've discussed this possibility with my husband and he's been neither accepting or dismissive of it. It would be such an important day for both of us, just as much his day as it is mine. And because I'm not out (as a crossdresser) to all of our friends, this may pose a problem in regards to either us limiting the guests, or risk turning the day into a bit of a masquerade (for want of a better word). Yet it is something that I would love to do.

When discussing it with my husband, I've downplayed the suggestion, and this may have a bearing upon how he responds to it. One possibility (solution) would be to have two ceremonies - one where we are both dressed as men, and another - later down the line - whereby we can renew our vows with me dressed as a bride. The downside to that being cost. We both do ok financially, but money certainly doesn't "grow on trees" for us, and thus a further ceremony, from a logistical perspective, may simply not be attainable.

I don't know what to do. I know what I want, and I know what I would like. I also have a strong inclination as to what my husband would prefer.

Just so you know, my husband accepts my crossdressing, but it doesn't play a significant part in our relationship (in terms of going out, me identifying myself as female, him referring to me as female, etc. I do often have what I like to refer to as my "little signifiers" - my nails done, wearing jewelry, mixing and matching certain items of male and female clothes, but by and large I present myself as (and don't hide the fact that I am) male.

Would be interested to hear your advice, suggestions in regards to this.

xx

[EllieOPKS]

Jenni,
Congrats to you and your husband on whichever direction you choose to go and the choice is yours.
Scenario 1 - Bride & gown . You've indicated that your husband gives signs that he would not be excited about the thought. My opinion only here, but this should not be a stressful event for either of you. The intent is to officially form a legal union between to people. Are you ready to "out" yourself to your friends and family? Is it important that friends and family attend the ceremony?
Scenario 2 - Travel to a remote location for a private ceremony between the two of you only and dress as the bride.
I guess it depends on what is really important to you. Good luck either way :)
Ellie

[Andinera]

With regards to the wedding, you should have ONE. Its your big day, not days. Find out what the two of you can agree on and go with it. If you do decide to wear a dress, recommend telling everybody youd like to invite earlier rather than later about you. Nothing like going to a wedding to see your son or close friend in a gown expecting a tux. You can use your imagination on howd theyd react. But if they're content with you being gay, the bridge to opening up to being a crossdresser probably isnt as big.

[Jennifer in CO]

if it ends up as one big day, how 'bout you wearing a ladies white tux with all the trimmings underneath?

[Amanda M]

do the two ceremonies, but keep them small, and maybe that way, the money will stretch enough - and my very, very best wishes to you both.

Oh and one more thing - if you do the wedding dress ceremonies, we need to see the photos!

Best Amanda.

[jenni_xx]

Andinera - that's the thing - it will already be our "second wedding" - ok, the first was a civil partnership, but nevertheless it was still a huge day for us both. I do think you're right though when you say about telling everybody well in advance. But I can't get away from the thought that even if all the guests do know well in advance, the day itself will be the first time that many of the guests will have seen me dressed as a woman. Thus it may be jarring for them, and to be brutally honest, that is the last thing that I would want anyone to come away from the day feeling, even if only briefly. It's why I used the term "masquerade" in my opening post.

Funnily enough, out of all the people I have told (about me being gay and being a crossdresser), more have accepted my sexuality than have accepted my crossdressing. My mother for example - as far as my crossdressing is concerned, she simply doesn't want to know. Yet she knows about (and gets on great with) my husband. It's also important to stress that crossdressing doesn't play a huge part in my relationship with my husband - he accepts it, and doesn't mind at all when I dress (no matter what the extent of my dressing is), but it most certainly doesn't "define" our relationship. We both identify as gay men, in a gay relationship, and all of our friends think of us in that sense. If anything, for those that do know, the crossdressing is nothing but an aside.

Which is what ultimately worries me in regards to the possible big day. That people will make more of it - that it will change people's perspective in regards to our relationship. That it will make people look at me differently. Yet despite that, it is something that I would love to do.

Jennifer, that isn't a bad suggestion that you make. In fact, I'm sure that my husband would feel much happier if that were the case. But still, I would feel as though I'm missing out. Which I suppose makes my feelings/wants pretty much selfish at their very root.

Which means that Ellie's suggestion is, in that sense, all the more practical. Of course, the downside to that is the expense.

Amanda - thank you. Of course - showing the photos would be the least that I would do. :)

xx

[Sarah Beth]

This a decision you and your husband have to make for the too of you. I can't tell you what to do but what works for wife and is to just sit down and talk out big decisions and come to a mutual decision. A lasting relationship is full of give and take.

[Raychel]

First of all Jenni, Congratulations,

next, it is your big day, You have to do what you and your husband feel will be best for the 2 of you
If that means a wedding gown, then so be it. You have to be happy on your special day. You only life this
life once, Make it the best day for both of you.

and lastly I find it very interesting that people are more accepting that you are gay, then they would be of
your crossdressing. Wouldn't it be nice if the world just would be happy and not judgmental.
If they can accept that you are gay, then they will have to deal with the fact that you crossdress. and in the
end you will find the people that are true friends and that love you for the great person that you are.

[jenni_xx]

Sarah - you're right - it is a decision for the both of us.

Raychel - it would be so nice if the world wasn't judgemental. Alas it is. I too do find it "interesting" that it is easier for people to accept me as gay than it is people to accept me as a crossdresser. And by the very same token, considering the amount of times that the members here have said that, upon coming out as a crossdresser. that their wifes/girlfriends/friends etc have asked them whether they are gay, just makes me believe that people (society) has a problem in distinguishing between the two.

If often thought that from my mother's perspective, she can accept that I am gay because that doesn't "interfer" with the fact that she has a son. Yet that I am also a crossdresser, it casts doubt on the identity of her son as a man. Does that make sense? I suppose what I am trying to say in that regard is that it's easier to accept a partner of your "child" being the same gender, than it is to accept that you "child" is the "wrong" gender.

One more thing - in regards to Raychel's post - you're right - it is my big day, but it is also just as big a day for my husband. The next sentence that you wrote - that is, we have to do what is best for both of us - is the crux of the matter. That is the reason for me creating this thread - I do feel that a sacrifice will have to be made - either on my side or on his. Yet I don't want a sacrifice to be made on either side. Hence my deliberation in this regard.

[Raychel]

Welcome to life,:straightface:

Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. Make the best of the day. Discuss it with your husband and decide between you and him what will be the best solution for the both of you.

All part of a good relationship, Communication and compromises.
Most important enjoy your day.


--------
Ohh and PS, take lots of pictures.

[Beverley Sims]

I am assuming you are gay, and you are already out with this.
CDing and wearing a nice bridal frock don't seem like a much bigger step to me.
If others know you are the "wife" already wearing a dress is what wives do. :)