A SAD day

[c_carrie]

To everyone I have met, thanks for the good times. I have a wonderful wife, that bought my outfits, and helped me with makeup for 15 years, along with other things. We we're supposed to let each other know when things changed or we were looking at someone. I am completely hetero. I found out the other day she has been fooling around with someone for some time, just short of having sex. She said she didn't see me the same way because of the dressing even though she helped me, and we could save our 23 year marriage if am willing to quit. I opted to save my marriage. Be careful, and be ready for what might happen. From our talks, I thought everything was great. She bought me beautiful outfits, shoes and accessories, but it was eating at her the whole time. Good luck to all!!

Carrie

[docrobbysherry]

I'm sorry, Carrie. But, saying you've saved your marriage? U mite add, "For now". Been married and divorced. Communication breakdowns r a major cause of split ups. Sounds like u need A LOT of work on u and your SO's to permanently solve your issues.

Excuse my if I don't think u "quitting" is a long term solution!

[mikiSJ]

I hope your marriage ends up working for both of you - but, be very careful of ultimatums and their future demands.

Good luck to you and yout wife!

[Julie Gaum]

I probably would be more blunt than Sherry; however you are now so far off the track with so little knowledge of what would be needed to
save your own future that, at this point in time, you will have to find out for yourself. Your wife's future is, obviously, already preordained.
When the inevitable time comes please come back to visit --- we will all understand.
Julie

[Being Paige]

I hope that you can quit if that is what you really want, I hope that your wife can also quit her extra activities as well. Which one will be the harder to do?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Carrie, I wish you the best of luck although I have a feeling that this isn't going to end well for you.

before you purge everything put it in storage and if it works out then purge it.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Carrie;

I definitely wish you the best, an hope you and your wife find your way through this. 15 years of acceptance and NOW because you found her cheating she has an issue ? I wonder about the "she has been fooling around with someone for some time" . I have my concerns that she would be able to just stop fooling around. I find it highly convenient that you stopping dressing is the root cause and issue. Marriage counseling is a better way to go. If you think about it , she got caught with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar. Yes a lot of marriages end because of being TG, without knowing more of your background it's hard to say what caused this. Talk tal talk, before making any promises you cannot keep.

[natalialimapoa]

There is NO excuse for cheating.

If you want to have sexual experiences with other people, you must tell your partner. If the crossdressing would make her cheat, she should have told you. I would never accept this from my girlfriend.

[StephanieCD21]

Carrie,

Do what you feel is best for you. We will all be here to support your decision and will still be here for the years to come. No judgmen , tonnes of support. Good luck.

[AllieSF]

I hope you weather this tough moment and that you can figure out a way to better understand her issues with you, one of which is your "T" side. Maybe there are others too? Communication takes work and it appears that some extra work is needed now by both of you. Good luck.

[Badtranny]

Are you sure you weren't just eating a lot of fried foods and grew the 'moobs the old fashioned way?

[Erica Marie]

Im having a hard time sitting back biting my lip on this one. Ive been in your spot. Not my wife but a special gf. Please be careful, ok.

[heatherdress]

There is NO excuse for cheating.

If you want to have sexual experiences with other people, you must tell your partner. If the crossdressing would make her cheat, she should have told you. I would never accept this from my girlfriend.

I agree. This is troubling. Good luck

[Harley_Quinn]

I really hope it works out for you, I had a similar experience with my now ex wife. I did what she wanted and jumped through hoops so we could stay together but it changed me and I felt unhappy (she didn't know about my cross dressing it was other things) but I wanted it to work so I carried on, 3 years later she ran off with someone else leaving me with our 2 children. I am not saying that will happen and I really hope you manage to get back to the way things were but remember that should the sh!t hit the fan you obviously have a lot of friends here that you can come and talk to.

Good luck and all the best x

[Victoria Davison]

It sounds like you were as forthcoming as you could be, and she is the one that lied to you, violated your trust, and cheated.

I cheated once very heavily, and it destroyed my relationship when it came out and it is something I will regret for the rest of my life. I don't think that ex will ever forget or forgive me.

You must really love your wife if you are letting this slide, so to speak, and acquiescing to HER demands. To me, it seems like the wife is getting off very lightly for not being the faithful and communicative person one should be in a marriage. I hope this event will be a catalyst to bring some badly needed balance back to the relationship, and one where you don't have to shut down part of yourself for her sake.

[Tracii G]

She is feeding you a line of BS IMO.
Saying that because you CD? She is trying to justify her cheating by telling you that.
I would tell her OK I'll quit but you need to get out and go live with your BF.
Stuff like that really steams me.How can you guys put up with a woman like that?
FYI You cheat on me and you are out the door hunny. Grrrr.

[ReineD]

Carrie, I'm going to be rather harsh here and suggest that you are both responsible for the current state of affairs.

Your wife is absolutely in the wrong for having developed an emotional attachment to another person. She is also in the wrong for not having told you that her esteem for you as a man was dwindling, the more you crossdressed. And her worst mistake is to have given you her birth control pills. Your health might be compromised.

But ...

... you've been married for 23 years, and after all this time, did you not notice that she was inching away? Or, were you so thrilled about getting all the girlie presents and wrapped up in your moobs that you didn't notice?

You need to get your feet planted to the ground again, and have a serious talk with your wife, to establish boundaries that are acceptable to both of you. You'll need to figure out what the CDing means to you, what benefit do you derive from it, and where you see it going, so that you can communicate all of this to your wife. She will need to figure out why she was not honest with you, and what exactly does she object to or does she fear. You will need to listen to her and give her her man back if this is what she needs. This does not mean that you cannot crossdress. This will take A LOT of education about the CDing on BOTH your parts (for example, the difference between breast growth and weight gain). It will also take a lot of time to accomplish all this.

Do not make the mistake of promising things that you will not be able to uphold. This will be disastrous down the road. At the same time, do not make the mistake of getting lost in the Pink Fog.

[GaleWarning]

Carrie, I am going to go out on a limb and applaud you for your decision.
Blame will not help.
Both you and your wife need to commit to each other, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health etc.
It will be worth it!
I wish both of you well and see only good coming from all this.
Give each other lots hugs and don't spare on the affection.

[Rogina B]

Just keep dressing,growing boobs,and whatever. Let her seek love and sex elsewhere. Don't waste your money on "marriage therapy". A couple of years from now,you will be in the same place as if you had caved into her "wishes"... She is a" hoopster",and it will never work out for you in the long run...Maybe her "friend" will be willing to take her in...But it rarely works out that way. I am being truthful in this post...what is she going to do for you that is going to make you as happy as you want for yourself to be and vice versa?

[stephNE]

Hi Carrie, I am very sorry to hear this. A lot of the girls have already given you good advice. I think you were doing the right thing, being honest and open. Your wife was not. I hope for the very best for you. Bur remember, it is up to YOU to make YOU happy. Good luck, Steph.

[SophieKitty]

If she can't love you as you are what makes you think she'll stop seeing this other guy? Please don't sacrifice anything that's part of you, as suppressing this may do serious damage. And while you may love her she may just have fallen out of love with you and is using cross-dressing as an excuse. Please keep a logical brain and don't sacrifice yourself

[Rebecca Watson]

I'm sorry to hear this. But it's better to know, I suppose, despite the hurt.

Your post is suggestive that 'crossdressing is responsible' is a cover story. Since she's been doing it "for some time" means she chose to "fool around" over a prolonged period of time. She's had time to think about it, and decide whether fooling around was right for her.

Suppose you didn't crossdress, and your wife was in the same situation with the same person. Do you believe her response have been different?

I've encountered ultimatums along the lines 'give up X or I'll leave' in past relationships. I'd give up X, and they'd leave anyway (resulting in a double blow for me); they really just wanted an excuse to end the relationship. After 15 years, she probably knows crossdressing is an inherent part of you; are you being set up to fail (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Setting_up_to_fail) so she can later blame the crossdressing? Watch out for this.

- Becky

[Beverley Sims]

Carrie,
I hope you are able to both work on your marriage.
Your wife seems to need a lot of coaxing though.

[Tina B.]

I'm suspicious, she never said a word until she got caught, and remember she got caught, you where out in the open.
Real reason, or cover excuse, you decide!

[ReineD]

I found out the other day she has been fooling around with someone for some time, just short of having sex.

I'm curious. What does "just short of having sex" mean. Is it Clinton's "I did not have sex with that woman" version, or has she found herself drawn to someone else, but has not gone there physically out of loyalty to your marriage?

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Thirty years ago I was in the same situation. We had been married for about 7 years. She helped me with outfits and all but wasn't 100% comfortable with it. Her cheating was to get involved with drugs and a drugging "friend." We separated for a month and my coming back home was to give up CDing. For 8 months I was miserable and everything else fell apart and I left for good. Very few of us can actually give up CDing without other problems starting including underlying resentment because of ultimatums. You do realize from reading other threads that this is basically a permanent part of our being. Today I have a wife who totally accepts me the way I am, and I work to give much back to our marriage, and her.

Just my experience.

Cheryl

[Alice B]

That is a very difficult decision for you to make.I hope it works out well for you. Don;t be a stranger.

[Lex321]

I am not sure I could or would be willing to give up dressing. The longest I have ever gone has been 3 months. My wife seems accepting, I am really hoping it stays that way.

[Sejd]

Hi Carrie
A couple of thoughts comes to mind. It is relatively easy for any SO to blame everything on your gender queerness, but sometimes they have problems of their own to work on. Secondly, it seems a bit unrealistic that you would be able to kill off something which is a central part of you. Why don't the two of you go into some therapy and find a solution for dress up which serves both of you. The issue of infidelity is something completely separate which you guys must deal with. I wish you luck for sure.

[DonnaT]

Best of luck Carrie.

Been married 38 yrs this month. My wife started out accepting, then not, etc. etc.

I gave it up for her several times. But it always came back.

8 yrs ago, she was not accepting again. This time, however, I told her she could leave if she wanted to, and that if she did, I would still love her. But the fact is, I've tried it too many times to know that I can't give it up, so I wasn't going to try again. It was to be her choice this time. She was shocked.

She left, stayed gone a few hours, but came back. We had a frank discussion, and now I dress anytime I wish, except for wig and makeup (only for going out). She knows all too well that I cannot quit, so there is no reason to even say I'll try.

So, maybe it will work out for you. Maybe you'll dress again, and go through similar cycles. All you can do is hope for the best. If you reach the point I did, and don't want to put yourself through the cycle anymore, and tell her it's her choice to go, hopefully she'll stay.

[CynthiaD]

The way I read this is that she's behaved badly, and she's trying to pretend it's your fault. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't believe the "just short of" part of the having sex either.

[Sonya]

Do not make the mistake of promising things that you will not be able to uphold.

I agree with this 100% from my own experience, I wish someone gave me this advise when I was found out by my ex.