Wife unhappy about me attending CD meeting

[Stephy]

Hi,

I joined a local CD club last month and my wife said it was ok and I could go to the meetings as long as I dressed there and didn't travel to and from the venue en femme or let our sons find out.

So Friday is the first monthly meeting of the club and I have really been looking forward to it. I have bought some lovely earrings, bracelet and scarf to go with my outfit. Last night I reminded her that it was the meeting on Friday and she said fine, but then was clearly not happy - not talking to me, slamming her books down etc. I asked her if she was cross with me and she said - "I've got so much to deal with already and now this as well.'

I feel bad that she feels bad and don't want to hurt her. But at the same time I really need this outlet to dress up. Knowing that this meeting was coming up is what helped to keep me going this month. If I go, she will be unhappy with me and I may not enjoy it knowing that she is unhappy. On the other hand, if I don't I will feel resentful and frustrated as I haven't had an outlet to express myself.

What do you suggest I do? I have asked if she wants to come with, but she said she is not comfortable with that and we would need to arrange someone to look after our sons (which is difficult as we do not have close family nearby and there are only about 2 people she trusts). I have also tried discussing it more with her, but that has just ended in both of us not getting a good nights sleep.

Any advice or suggestions would be welcome.

Hugs
Steffi

[Kate Simmons]

It is never easy but offhand, I'd say you need to decide which is more important to you. Is the time to relax and be dressed with other CD's worth the added strife to your marriage? Only you can determine that Hon.:)

[Sarah Beth]

I have to wonder what else is going in her life that the CDing would be adding the stress to. I understand you want to go badly, and I don't envy your decision whatever you decide to do but it seems to me like its communication time. I have been where you are, my wife saying she accepted it then when I did dress she didn't like it. We have since gotten past that but it took time and a lot of discussion.

[Stephy]

The other big issue at the moment is my one son has OCD - continuously needing to wash and keep perceived dirty and clean things separate. She also has a physically demanding job, is studying and we are looking for a house to buy. Quite a lot of stressors in the mix.

[Robin777]

If I were you,with all the things that are going on with your family I would not push it with your wife. I realize you have a lot of stress in your life right now and want to be able to dress with other CDer's to relieve the stress, but your wife needs a outlet to relieve her stress also. Maybe you could find a time for her to get out and do something she would enjoy by herself. Maybe arrange a massage for her. Then she might be more receptive to you going out. She probably sees it as you leaving her to shoulder the whole burden. my 2 cents.

[teri222]

Peggy Rude has written a couple great books that may help if
your wife would read through one of them. My Husband wears my cloths
is a good one I gave my wife when I first came out to her.

[Kate Simmons]

You are more than welcome to contact me any time you would like to talk Hon. Sometimes just talking to someone with a listening ear gets it out of our heads so we can think about things more clearly.:)

[sandra-leigh]

A few weeks ago I was in a similar situation. I ended up coming back home before my event started, just to show that I was not doing my own thing without caring about her. I wasn't pleased about the situation, but I didn't get angry at her... just stored it inside. The people I've told about it have agreed my SO was being unfair, which is part of a larger pattern.

Still, you need to think about "picking your battles".

How long until she would not be "dealing with so much"? Is it because it is back-to-school time? Is it "my siblings are arguing again and trying to draw me into it like always", or something else stressful and likely to last for years -- and even more stressful because it is, for practical purposes, out of her control?

[Tracii G]

Sounds like she will never be OK with your CDing and probably won't change her mind on the subject.
With all that is going on right now if you push it it will only make matters worse I don't think now is a good time to keep asking her whats wrong you already know that.
If I were in that situation I would take my things and go to the meeting and dress there.
You are entitled to have some time to your self and do something for you.She may not like it but she will get over it.
Get her a day spa appointment or something nice for her so she can have some pamper time for herself.
That way she will know you appreciate her even tho you did your own thing one night.

[reb.femme]

What really pains me is that someone beats me to the point I have in mind. Damn this time difference :). Tracii says it quite succinctly. You are entitled to you time but her time is an equal, if not senior partner. I get cold attitude from my wife sometimes, she doesn't intend it that way but emotions are not always easily expressed in words.

Rebecca

[Suzanne F]

Steffi
I think you should go. You asked what she would be comfortable with and she told you her conditions. I do think you should make sure she has some personal time to herself also. I think you are doing your best and you have been honest about what you need. Maybe you could make the evening a short one so that she does not have to be alone too long. Please don't think I am saying to disregard your wife's feelings. I just think you deserve to take care of yourself and you have tried to do it in a loving way. If your wife finds that she cannot handle you going then you might have to find a new agreement. Maybe she will find that it was not that big of a deal. Good luck and I applaud you trying to do the right thing for everyone!
Suzanne

[MatildaJ.]

If I go, she will be unhappy with me and I may not enjoy it knowing that she is unhappy. I have asked if she wants to come with, but she said she is not comfortable with that and we would need to arrange someone to look after our sons (which is difficult as we do not have close family nearby and there are only about 2 people she trusts).

My advice is to go (changing there), and have as good a time as you can. But don't worry that you might not enjoy it much -- this time your attendance is not mainly about having fun, it's about establishing the principle that you get to go to certain events that are important to you. Just go, because otherwise she learns that sulking and slamming her books down is a good way to get you to give in to her.

As for the sitter issue -- I think you should seriously address that question. I think spouses need adult time together, and if you don't have family near by then you need to be creative in finding someone to watch the kids. It can be a neighbor who could use some extra money, or another parent you trade with, or there are services which will help you. Or even Craigslist, if you check the person's references.

Once you find a sitter, it's better to set up a regular arrangement (every Friday or every other Thursday or whatever). It's much harder to find a sitter just for a single night (because babysitting is much less stressful once the sitter already knows the kid(s) and the house and knows the parents will tip generously).

Hope you go Friday, and have a great time!

[jillleanne]

Many groups welcome spouses to the meetings so they too can learn and participate. Check this out and be sure to invite her if that's allowed. Keep the lines of communication open with her, offer her all and any information she might wish to review at her leisure( including this web forum) and go to the meeting. She needs to know you are for real, not some fantasy/fetish seeker. The reality will kick in when you go and hopefully, allow her to open up and want to discuss it. Nothing is more important for you than her knowing this is a part of who you are and your love and commitment for her will never diminish because of it.

[linda allen]

My advice is to go (changing there), and have as good a time as you can. But don't worry that you might not enjoy it much -- this time your attendance is not mainly about having fun, it's about establishing the principle that you get to go to certain events that are important to you. Just go, because otherwise she learns that sulking and slamming her books down is a good way to get you to give in to her......................
JessM, I'm guessing you are not married. Marriage is a partnership, not a contest to see who gets his or her way or who comes out a winner.

My advice to Steffi is to put off attending meetings until your wife is comfortable with you going. You seem to have enough issues to deal with in your life without adding this friction. Work on it and at some point she will probably be OK with it. In the meantime, tell and show her how much you love her and how much you support her.

[Di]

Sounds like this is your only time to dress and as long as you do what she asked....and what was agreed upon you should go.
A cd meeting is the safest place to have an outing. Hope she reailizes but sounds like she does not understand yet.
Sorry I know you thought you had it worked out in your last talk and it is not fair you are holding up to her requests but she seems not there yet.

[Melissa Rose]

If the stress generators are going to be around for quite awhile, not attending the meeting is not going to solve anything except in the short term and at your expense. Only you can decide if it is a battle worth engaging at this moment and whether the potential casualties will be worth it. If some of the stress generators are going to diminish in a month or two then waiting until they are reduced may be a safer approach. Be clear you are willing to delay attending for a short while until the situation is better, but you will be going after the promised delay time.

As others have stated, it seems your wife could use some "me" time or some kind of a special occasion that is about her. With the disclaimer of me not knowing the whole story and details, it appears your wife is under more critical stress than you not being able to dress. If your need to dress is high and a potential source of on going friction, thus making the situation worse then finding a safe and inexpensive hotel room so you have the freedom to do what you want may be an option. Not being in the presence of others and in a public setting while dressed (which may be viewed as enabling you) may be an acceptable compromise.

EDITED TO ADD: If she is uncomfortable and very unhappy with your cross dressing, I suspect she may not want to do anything with you while dressed especially if there is any kind of public exposure. That is taking a huge step and asking may not go over very well IMHO.

[heatherdress]

Try another alternative which she might feel comfortable with. Go to the movies together. Dressed.

Might be fun for both of you.

[Tawne]

Sounds like she's got a lot on her plate at this time, my advice would be to not go, that will show her that you put her first and not always yourself, women like that. There will always be another CD meeting and when that pops up she will be happy for you to go cause you sacrificed something for her, she will return the favor with joy.

[MatildaJ.]

JessM, I'm guessing you are not married. Marriage is a partnership, not a contest to see who gets his or her way or who comes out a winner.

I've been married 17 years, and have discovered my husband's crossdressing needs in the past few years. My advice is not about winning, but about setting appropriate boundaries and not encouraging tantrums. They already negotiated about Steffi attending these meetings (there was another thread about that: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?198815-Discussion-with-my-wife).

These meetings are important to Steffi. If Steffi's wife wants to change their previous agreement, she should learn to say that straightforwardly and not use emotional outbursts as a way to manipulate Steffi. This approach works with spouses and it works with toddlers and teenagers too. Adults don't change their actions because someone throws a fit. Doing so teaches a very dangerous lesson -- that throwing fits is the right way to communicate.

If Steffi put off all her needs until after her wife was comfortable, her wife would have no incentive to work on getting more comfortable with the whole issue. I'm not saying to rush into anything, but this meeting is a small thing, which is important to Steffi, and they have already agreed that it is acceptable for her to go. I certainly also agree with Melissa's point that Steffi should encourage her wife to go out for some 'me' time as well. Both adults need time to relax, away from the stresses of daily life.

[natalialimapoa]

If you are an adult, you should be in the control of your own life. In other words, stop asking for permission to be happy and just do it.

[Sometimes Steffi]

It sounds like several conversations that my wife and I had with each other.

I've gone both ways. Sometimes I decide "of my own volition" to pass on an event to show that I value her. Other times I explain how important it is to me and I go anyhow, regardless of how angry she may be. So, if this is an ongoing event, and there's another meetup next month, I'd pass this time, but tell her now that you will be going to the next one in a month

[suchacutie]

I strongly suggest that your wife is begging for your attention and probably help. Sit down and ask her what you can do to help her cope. I think you'll be amazed at her longterm positive response.

[docrobbysherry]

Stephy, it's called, "Between a rock and a hard place!"

If u don't go to the meeting you'll likely feel frustrated and unhappy with your SO. It MAY make her happy, tho.

If u go, u may feel guilty for going and piss her off even more. Or, u may enjoy Stephy's outing and she may just think, "What the hey". Because u discussed it. But, u won't know which it will be for sure unless u go.

[Lynn Marie]

You have a wife and 2 young children, and you want to traipse around in public in a dress. There's just no way that this is going to be in any way acceptable to your spouse even if she didn't have other stresses in her life! You two need to talk.

[jenni_xx]

Stephy

Often the biggest barriers are caused by communication. And it's hard to break down such barriers because the very thing that is causing it (words) are the things we need to use to try and overcome it.

With that in mind, I would suggest that you change your wife's perception as to how she views the support group/CD club. She may feel that you have joined this club simply because it will give you an opportunity to dress, and it's clear that your wife feels uncomfortable about you dressing (hence why she isn't comfortable with the idea of going along with you). So my advice would be for you to present the club/meetings in a different light. That the reason you aren't going is just so you can dress, but that the reason is rather so that you can find out more about yourself, and understand your wife's concerns, through engaging with others who are in a similar situation. Inform her that the chances are high that there will be other wives/girlfriends there, and by conversing with them, it may help you get a wider understanding of where your wife is coming from. And if your wife begins to view the club, not as an outlet for you expressing your feminine side, but as a place that will better help you (and thus subsequently herself) understand the reasons why you want to crossdress, then she may be more open to the idea of you attending.

I presume that you are keeping your crossdressing either away from her or down to a minimum because of her concerns (and indeed because of your situation at home). So you need to reaffirm this to her - that you are already making attempts and forgoing your dressing because you know how it upsets her. Reaffirming this will show that you are empathising with her - that you are making an effort to understand her and her concerns.

[Stevie]

She is probably uncomfortable with this but sounds like she is trying to compromise. From past experience take a step back and put yourself in her shoes. I know it is hard but she needs to let you know how she really feels. Her first concern is the children. There are other ways like this forum you can let out .

[Diversity]

I'd put my wife's needs first, and put the meeting on hold for the time being. It sounds like you are taking things a bit too fast for your wife's comfort. Put the brakes on and allow your wife time to adjust. Talk to her openly and honestly when you both feel you can have a deep and meaningful and uninterrupted conversation. As they say, patience is a virtue....
Good luck!
Di

[Rhonda Darling]

Putting your wife's needs ahead of your own is admirable -- to a point. That point is when she doesn't attempt to at least talk through any issue and instead uses inconsistency, whining, manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior to attempt to control you. If you need to ask permission to do things in your marriage, you are in a lose lose situation. A marriage needs a degree of equality between the partners. Unless you classify yourself as the submissive in a dominant-submissive relationship, you've got to stand up for yourself. That doesn't mean adopt an "in your face" attitude and always just doing what you want. It means balance. Right now, your relationship seems out of balance. Sure, she has issues, needs, pressures, concerns, fears, etc. etc. etc. So what? So do you. And your CD/TS traits will not go away. If you suppress them, they will cause you to have issues, needs, pressures, concerns, fears, etc. etc. etc. of your own.

You need to find your own path and follow it. That may mean finding a counselor and going (don't ask wifey for permission to get that type of care - just do it). Your relationship has indicia of problems that will only grow larger and consume you both. You've got to break the pattern and find a way to change things.

Good luck.
Rhonda

[Sonya]

You are getting a lot of advice here as you requested but please do not forget everyones relationship dynamics are completely different, sure there would be similarities but you really have to pick and choose which advise is beneficial to you. I was in a similar situation as you are in, and I know for a fact that our relationship deteriorated rapidly when I expressed my interest in joining a support group, for her I was being selfish for spending our money on my cross dressing, I was being selfish for wanting to meet similar people like me. She had a lot of resentment and anger towards me because of my failed promise of giving up cross dressing and non disclosure before marriage and basically blamed me for wrecking her life. I admit that I made plenty of mistakes and did stuff that I am not proud of but she was not perfect as well (actually not even close to perfect). I wish you the best, my only advice will be please be respectful to each other, empathise with each other and please do not be nasty to each other, and if you can do all that and communicate I am sure you will find a way to work things out.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stephy , No advice just a thought , No one ever said that being a lady was going to be easy.

I hope your wife and you can come to a workable agreement.

[Stephy]

Thank you for all your advice - I decided to take the middle ground.

I explained to my wife that I would really like to go tomorrow, but that if there was a specific reason she would like me to skip it this time for her or the boys, I was prepared to wait until next month. She said that she was okay with me going and that she had just been really tired last night. I think it has worked out well - she knows that I put her and the boys first, but that I am serious about needing to express my feminine side, and that I will do so in an environment that is safe and supportive.

So I have packed my outfit, accessories and makeup and I'm all ready for tomorrow.

Hugs
Steffi

[Di]

Great news:Dyou did it perfectly being honest,open and caring about her.:thumbsup:
Enjoy!

[MatildaJ.]

You managed that really well. Congratulations on the results, and have a great time!

[JamieG]

So, if this is an ongoing event, and ther's another meetup next month, I'd pass this time, but tell her now that wou will be going to the next one in a month

I was going to say that I agree with Steffi 100%, but it looks like you already basically did it...



I explained to my wife that I would really like to go tomorrow, but that if there was a specific reason she would like me to skip it this time for her or the boys, I was prepared to wait until next month.

This approach is spot on, and obviously had the right outcome. Sometimes our wives just need evidence that we are paying attention to their feelings and that CDing doesn't always trump them. I remember once when I was all packed and ready to go to a meeting and my wife wasn't feeling well. She didn't ask me not to go, but I could tell she wasn't looking forward to the evening. So, I offered to stay home until we got the kids in bed; miss the actual meeting and meet up with TG friends later. This small gesture really meant a lot to her, and her view of my CDing has improved significantly since then.

[Confucius]

Your first priority is to keep your wife and family happy. Tell your wife that you love her, and you do not want your clothing interests to come in the way of her happiness. Tell her that she is your number one love.

Her problem is based upon a sense of security, that everything is under control. Your plans to attend a cross-dressing club meeting is threatening her security. She doesn't trust the club, or where this interest in yours is leading.

I have found it important to keep all lines of communication open with the wife. I want her to set my boundaries and I want her to help we select the clothes I buy, and I only wear them when she allows.

Your wife will allow you greater freedoms when she understands and feels more secure. Right now you are doing better by serving your family.

[Rhonda Darling]

Your first priority is to keep your wife and family happy. Tell your wife that you love her, and you do not want your clothing interests to come in the way of her happiness. Tell her that she is your number one love.

Her problem is based upon a sense of security, that everything is under control. Your plans to attend a cross-dressing club meeting is threatening her security. She doesn't trust the club, or where this interest in yours is leading.

I have found it important to keep all lines of communication open with the wife. I want her to set my boundaries and I want her to help we select the clothes I buy, and I only wear them when she allows.

Your wife will allow you greater freedoms when she understands and feels more secure. Right now you are doing better by serving your family.


I'm sorry. "Clothing interests"? WTF????? Is that all we are???

"I want her to set my boundaries?" Puleeeze! Are the boys nailed to the wall above your wife's side of the bed? Go find a set.

Who and what we are is hard enough to cope with without surrendering free will to someone else.

Stephy and her wife need to find an equilibrium/balance that honors each of them and allows each of them to have their own space and freedom within the bounds of a loving relationship. Being a sub/pansy needs to be a serious personal choice, not an assumed subservient position percieved, a priori, to be a prerequisite for a successful (??) marriage. IMHO.

Rhonda

Stephy:

God works in mysterious ways. This little "give" by your wife is a really great sign. The first impression you gave us was of someone who seemed to be trying to thwart all of your desires to be Stephy. If rational discussion and gentle exposure to you as Stephy softens her stance, there is hope (and love). Send her flowers unexpectedly, thanking her for trying to understand and underscoring your love for her. Take it slow, but don't surrender your free will, freedom, or self respect. Loving adults CAN work it out.

My prayers are for the two of you to find common ground in your mutual love and respect for each other.

Best regards,
Rhonda

[Tawne]

Now you can do the most unexpected and courageous thing, don't go, surprise her with flowers. It may sound like an un-needed sacrifice, but this will pay off down the road mate, trust me, this will help you later.

[kimdl93]

My advice was to find out what's going on in your wife's view of the world that has her feeling overwhelmed. It happens..with work, kids, health issues, in laws...it could be a perfect storm of circumstances, and your night out, dressed or not, could be just one more thing. Ask and she may enlighten yo.

It seems you did it just fine. Words do have miraculous powers!

[Kelly DeWinter]

Stephy;

Go have a good time, THEN when you get back spend a couple of days giving your wife some time off with the family; Set up a regular night off for your spouse so she can go out with friends or lock herself in a room with the remote control and her favorite (fill in the blank).

[Allsteamedup]

The biggest problem with support groups and young families is the issue of expenditure (you really needed bracelets etc?) and when did your wife last get time to go out, with or without you (bearing in mind the dressing up factor; we are not talking a trip to the movies or a bar)?

The next worry for her is your safety. And the kind of people you are mixing with; not all support groups are the same.

Keep talking!

[Stephy]

I went to the meeting last night. I enjoyed the opportunity to dress, but I didn't really feel like it was my cup of tea. Or maybe it was just because it was my first time and I didn't speak to enough of a variety of people. I guess I'm comparing it to the previous group I went to back in SA which met at member's homes - it seemed more casual and friendly.

My wife was still awake when I got home at just before midnight - which usually only happens if she is worried. On the surface she seemed ok with the fact that I had gone and asked me a bit about it.

How many of you go or have gone to a support group? Do/did you enjoy it?

[Suzanne F]

Stephi
I have gone to 2 outings of the River City Gems. Sure I was a little nervous and felt self conscious. However, I did meet some wonderful ladies. I knew I needed this outlet and I just made up my mind I was going to face being uncomfortable. The second time I went was easier and I took my wife that time. I suggest you give it a few times before you decide it isn't for you. Plus since this is what your wife agreed to it might be your only avenue to dress at this time. I think it must be better than no dressing at all. That's just my opinion!
Hugs
Suzanne

[Beverley Sims]

I would be inclined not to go this time and work patiently on the situation of resentment.
She may change her views later on.

[Allsteamedup]

My SO always finds a new group difficult. He is not gregarious as a male, so add the cross-dressing on top-he is also very critical of the appearance and effort of the others there- and does not want to reveal anything about his male self; he has an important job locally.

You do have to pers.evere through your discomfort zone, put up with everybody else's 'life story' and different people turn up each time....you need to give it a try.

[TeresaCD]

Hard thing, Steffi.
You asked, and she said yes.
Sounds like she is finding things hard to deal with, for sure.
And this would not help things.
To me, she needs to know you are with her, and that she and your boys are central to you.
Is there another way to relieve the tension short term (underdressing for example)?

[ReineD]

I explained to my wife that I would really like to go tomorrow, but that if there was a specific reason she would like me to skip it this time for her or the boys, I was prepared to wait until next month. She said that she was okay with me going and that she had just been really tired last night. I think it has worked out well - she knows that I put her and the boys first, but that I am serious about needing to express my feminine side, and that I will do so in an environment that is safe and supportive.

You could not have handled it any better than this! :)

Your wife's feelings may yo-yo at times and she may get back to believing this is a choice for you. Do keep talking to her in the same spirit as you've done. Also, you might suggest that she join this site, to talk to the other genetic female spouses/partners. The information for doing this is on our Index page, in the **announcements** link next to the FAB (Female At Birth) section.


How many of you go or have gone to a support group? Do/did you enjoy it?

The group that my SO belongs to is wonderful! We go a few times per year now (it is 2 hours away), but in the beginning she attended almost monthly. It took a while to get to know everyone, but now they just are old friends and we enjoy going very much. :)