Freak, or normal?

[Ineke Vashon]

I recall when, less than two years ago, I first acknowledged my, long dormant, CD desires, I started searching online. At first I looked at a lot of CD pictures. I found some beautiful dresses, outfits, and passable dressers. I also found one of a middle aged man, bald on top except for side fringes, and a hairy, potbellied body. He presented to the camera in a bra, panties, garter belt and nylons. He looked very sad and unhappy. My immediate thought was “what a sad freak.” Yet, not long thereafter I, a senior citizen myself, had bought and was wearing a pink bikini, liking it and feeling the need to wear it. At first I was embarrassed but I just had to do it. I still don’t really know why. I do not think of myself as a freak. It is something within me that seems to require expression.

Now I am wondering why I see him as a freak, but myself as ‘normal.’ If this ‘sad freak’ would be looking at a picture of me would he think that I’m the freak and he the normal one?

I like what Freddy (my spellchecker won’t let me spell her full French name; perhaps it doesn’t like French) wrote: “I am not a crossdresser. I am a man who likes to dress in woman’s clothes.” Thank you, Freddy, that’s exactly how I feel about it. As I understand it, all men have a masculine and a feminine side. In my case I believe that my feminine side is stronger than average. I have lost nothing on my male side but my feminine side allows me to embrace things that are not traditionally male. I am beginning to think I’m the better for it.

I am not sure if I make any sense with this post. I am sort of thinking out loud, while at home writing these notes, dressed in a colorful long skirt and blouse and feeling relaxed, at ease. I’m still not entirely comfortable looking critically into a mirror. Perhaps if or when I do a one time professional makeover. Would it help? Just to see what could be?

Just thinking out loud,

Ineke

[Kelly DeWinter]

One of the interesting things that a trans gendered person goes though on the road to self discovery is introspection and figuring out where you are in relation to others. It is interesting how opinions on a whole slew of topics liquify and change as we think of ourselves and how we view the world.

[Kate Simmons]

You may be surprised. Stranger things have happened my friend. Enjoy.:battingeyelashes::)

[jayme357]

What wonderful thoughts. Bless you.

[SnowPrincess]

Ineke,

You have artfully expressed the very feelings which I have had! I think I saw the same picture and felt the same. Indeed there was a picture on this site of a man with a hairy chest wearing a bra...I thought how ugly,....yet there I am! What is the difference...why do I have these feelings, why do I think I am different? I do understand why my wife will not accept the idea of my cross dressing because she probably sees the same thing that I see. I am an overweight senior citizen and probably very ugly in female dress, yet...If I cannot accept the concept in others, how can I expect by wife of 38 years to accept the concept?

No I have not sought therapy and it is extremely unlikely that I ever will, however, the conflicting feelings are difficult to reconcile. Any suggestions would be helpful.

SnowPrincess

[Andi.Devine]

Wow - Freak or Normal:

There can't be a one size fits all answer to that. Each persons opinion of what defines normal in the CD arena can vary wildly. For instance, when I dress in women's clothing, I have to ensure that my body hair is removed/trimmed so that I can look as feminine as possible. Therefore, in my opinion anyone who does not do that is not normal or is a Freak ( just saying ). That is just my opinion though, because for me I am trying to look and feel as much like a woman as I can. So for me it is not just wanting to wear different clothes, it is almost wanting to be a woman, at least for a little while.

-KD

[suzanne]

I know how you feel. I don't relate to some of the personal styles of the girls in this forum. Because of my age, size and shape, I can't pass as anything but a man in a dress, so I don't try to. So to the outside world, I am a freak for being a CD, and I am a freak to the CD community for not CDing enough. My version my not be "normal" on either scale but it's MY normal. It's how I feel most at peace with myself.

[docrobbysherry]

I believe u and the hairy chested dude to be the "normal" older dressers, Ineke.

I'm the freak! Most likely I'm older than both of u. Yet, I'm not satisfied unless I see a sexy 20/30 something female in my mirror.

Another point: While I find many dressers unattractive, I'm not yet able to discern who's a freak simply be seeing their picture!

[Candice Mae]

I really don't like the word "freak", to me it implies that there is something wrong with us. Sure we differ from the norm, but doesn't almost everyone in some way?

[Lynn Marie]

I firmly believe that we all look pretty pathetic and freakish at one or more stages of donning our female apparel. These are the stages I don't present to the public either live or in pictures. I'm simply attempting to present myself graciously and attractively with a sense of decorum. Why on earth would someone wish to present themselves unattractively? Maybe they've found a world in their own mind where degrading presentations satisfy them. For me, that's so far out of the norm it seems freakish!

[TheMissus]

Ineke, I wish my husband saw what you see. I know it wouldn't stop him dressing but he might understand more why SO's struggle so much. This 'freak' factor you mention is a very real feeling. Doesn't mean you're actually a freak! It just means you're doing something outside 'normal' and that takes time to adjust to.

Some of us never do and instead find a compromise.

[Beverley Sims]

Ineke,
I do not present well in some younger fashions these days, but I still try them on.
I also get the cultural cringe when I see others present themselves and quite proud of their achievements.
Rightfully so but it would be better if they did not show some of their photos.
I still fantasy dress on occasions but it is for myself only.
I can look butt ugly sometimes.

[Celina]

I really don't like the word "freak", to me it implies that there is something wrong with us. Sure we differ from the norm, but doesn't almost everyone in some way?

Everyone has something, agreed! I honestly don't think theres that many people in the world that haven't got something, what ever it may be, that differs from the "norm"... Well atleast that's my view on it..

[Ineke Vashon]

I really don't like the word "freak", to me it implies that there is something wrong with us. Sure we differ from the norm, but doesn't almost everyone in some way?

Candice Mae - It's not my intent to imply there is something wrong with CDers. Rather, it was MY reaction at the time to a particular presentation. Since I've joined this community and begun my "education" on all things crossdressing, and LBGT as well, I've had to change many perceptions and opinions I've had previously. Kelley DeWinter expresses these changes very well in her post.

Ineke

[Karren H]

I like "unique" better than "freak"..... If you could see some of my early photos from 10 years ago when I started back into this.... I looked like the freak..... didn't feel that way so I spent the last decade working hard to make my body better fit the clothing.... which in itself sound kind of freaky? lol... not an easy thing to do but its made me feel more comfortable about having (not necessarily wanting) to wear womens clothing....

[CynthiaD]

I think that being transgendered is a normal part of the human condition, and that crossdressing is a normal activity for some people. But posting pictures of yourself in your underwear? That seems a bit odd. Especially since there are very few people, male, female, or otherwise, who look good that way.

[alicia45]

Lynn, you just summed it up for those who appreciate dressing appropriately in any situation, trans or not. Many people today ignore common sense in regard to dress, which also corresponds to social behavior.

[Frédérique]

In my case I believe that my feminine side is stronger than average. I have lost nothing on my male side but my feminine side allows me to embrace things that are not traditionally male. I am beginning to think I’m the better for it. I am not sure if I make any sense with this post. I am sort of thinking out loud, while at home writing these notes, dressed in a colorful long skirt and blouse and feeling relaxed, at ease. I’m still not entirely comfortable looking critically into a mirror. Perhaps if or when I do a one time professional makeover. Would it help? Just to see what could be?

I never desired a professional makeover, feeling it would destroy some of the magic I feel if I handed my “self” over to others (and their ideas). I know I could look a million times better, with a little help, but I get a lot of satisfaction doing everything myself, learning as I go along. As far as crossdressers go, I’m an “outsider artist,” and I feel just as relaxed and happy as you are. You are definitely better off doing what you do! It’s fun to be a male, but see yourself as a female on occasion. The latter has modified me permanently, 100% for the better…
:battingeyelashes:

[Marcelle]

Hi Ineke,

I kind of get what you are talking about. I recently came out to my wife and my first dressing session (though she was supportive and even helped) was a bit of a shock for both of us. I wanted to so much to feel so feminine when I finished but when I looked in the mirror . . . not so much.

It would take a whole lot of make-up to make me even passingly pretty. Even thought I removed my body hair (most of it), my current work environment is very Alpha Male oriented and body art is quite common. While my waist is thin my shoulders are quite wide . . . so you can imagine the effect.

In the end, my wife was a bit taken back but then smiled and said . . . well you have great legs in heels :)

So I guess, I will have to learn to work with what I have and accept that. Am I freak in a dress, not to me. I only see the feminine half that completes me and together I think we are both quite lovely.

Isha

[Violetgray]

"I am not a cross dresser. I am a man who likes wearing women's clothing."

not being snarky when I say this, but in what context does that make any sense?

[Lori Kurtz]

This is why I'm completely in the closet. I know I'm not quite passable, and other than the girls and friends on this site, the world is not likely to accept me when I'm en femme. Sad in a way, but there it is. We all have to live as best we can, based on who we are and the gifts we have been given.

[Tina B.]

I'm 69 bald, fat, and out of shape, but still I find I'm just not happy unless I can spend some of my time in a skirt. I know the word may offend some, but yes, at times I do feel like a freak. My definition of a freak, (strange, out of the normal, looks or acts differently than society as a whole.) I don't see the freak, when looking at others, but I do when looking in a mirror, some days.
But being an old hippie, and having been considered different, as a male or Female, I guess I've always felt a bit of a freak, no matter what gender I am presenting in.
Strange thought, I've never found being a freak as a negative thing, just a thing, we are all freaks about something.
I started dressing at around 6 years old, being different, is normal to me.