Why tell – Why out yourself?

[Sophie Yang]

I've read numerous posts about telling others. Some posts are emotionally wrenching, especially those related to SO and family. Others are emotionally inspiring, again, especially those related to SO and family.

What drives us to want to tell some people and not others? Here are a few of my reasons:
1. The first person who needs to know is yourself. Letting this person know, removes the angst of hiding/denying it from this person. My urge to CD came on strong about three years ago. I just turned 56. I thought long and hard about why the urge exists, haven't a clue. Well I have some general ideas why people CD, but haven't a clue why I CD. For me it is an interesting mystery, but in the end probably doesn't matter. It is like gravity. It is always pulling on me; it is always there. Yet I do not know what gravity is. I just accept it as part of everyday life.
2. The second person I told was my wife. For the last five or six years, I have been on the road a lot. Usually leave on a Sunday and return the next week on a Thursday or Friday for the weekend. There was no reason I had to tell my wife, yet I felt compelled that I had to let her know. Why? For me, I tell her everything. We talk almost every night. We work at our marriage. She hadn't a clue when I told her. She was initially shocked and it rocked her world. She had a few questions, not a lot, and some concerns that we worked through. Sophie is out a lot, usually alone. My wife's biggest concern is not the CD-ing, but my safety while CD-ing. She knows it relaxes me and it makes me happy. She wants me to be happy and I want the same thing for her.
3. I told my two sons after they graduated from college. The oldest graduated two years ago, and the youngest one this month. Pretty blasie events for both of them. Why did I tell the oldest one? He was looking for a job and living at home. I did not want to shock him or someone he brought home finding me dressed or worse getting dressed. It just takes the stress out of the home front. When I am home, my wife and I sometimes go out and socialize with other CD-ers. Sometimes my oldest son tags along when he has the time. My youngest son is still at school finishing up a lab job over the summer and will return home next month.
4. I told my sister when I was working in SF. She was surprised, but accepting. Why did I tell her? Not really sure why. I think it would have been fun to have a girls night out, but it hasn't happened...yet. She is busy raising a family and practicng law.
5. I have two other brothers, a mother, and step mother that I do not have any desire to tell even though I do not expect any negative responces. I think that one's perception as to how severly others will react negatively to the disclosure is a big factor in disclosing or not. Once out, one cannot reel it back in. The reaction isn't always negative, a blessing when it is positive, or a very subtle change in behavior. E.g., I was over at my sister's house for dinner with her family as her brother and she made some joke or remark about panyhose or something. Whatever it was, it wasn't a sensitive subject to me. However, later on she felt she had to apologize for offending me. Now that was funny coming from my sister, growing up with three brothers, who can toss out one line put down zingers with the best of them. I was and still am often on the receiving end of them.
6. Approximity plays a part. Lets say one has roommates, and you feel they woud be cool with the disclosure with low consequences, the urge to disclose is higher than a military barracks where it is not cool and the consequences are severe.
7. Personality types. For those who have taken the four quadrant personality test, I have fogotten the name of the test. The extrovert probably has the strongest desire to disclose and go out and the the introvert the least desire to disclose and go out. The analtical one, the one who desires to get along is probably selective in her disclosures. Not sure about the alpha leader types? I would classify myself as the analytical - introverted type. However, the test, which I have taken several times, says that I am centered around the middle without a real dominant personality type. If I can find the test, it might be enlightening to see the personality types of the members. I haven't taken the test since I stared CD-ing. Wonder what it says now. I cannot imagine one's core personality changes all that much over time.
8. I have no desire to disclose what goes on behind closed doors in the bedroom. Similarly, I have no desire to disclose that I enjoy CD-ing to others or I am a CD-er unless required as when I fly. If asked I won't deny it, but I have no desire to put it in people's faces either.

What factors influence you to tell or not tell? I told my wife she can tell anyone she is comfortable telling. She has only told one girl-friend who doesn't really understand. They do talk about it now and then. For spouses and SO, what factors influence you to tell others or not?

Interested in reading all your replies.

[Tina B.]

Sophie, I've asked myself that same thing many times, and out side of me, and the wife, I've never found an answer that made me want to tell anyone.
I'm closeted so feel it would do no one any good to know, would mean nothing to me, and could result in negative reactions from people I don't want to risk that with.
I felt it was important to tell the wife, as I want to dress at home, with out reservations, and I don't keep things from her. Turns out she is a great ally and support system all built into one, with her support, I've found keeping it at home, and private very easy and very comfortable.

[mikiSJ]

Except for my wife, I have only told people who are new to Miki. My wife is deathly afraid I will be discovered, and horrors especially if I were dressed as Miki.

I would love to tell my two adult children (46 and 35 who live at home) but my wife feels a great need to protect them from the ugly truth of their father.

I would tell my brother and sisters. We have never been close, but I would owe them an explanation of why Michael became Miki. My parents are gone but they would never have understood and I didn't really want any more abuse from my mother.

I am now retired, but I wouldn't tell any of my professional associates. I would rather they remember Michael's great deals he put together than lose that reputation because I became a "drag queen". home Builders and real estate developers are not a bastion for anything progressive - politically or socially.

I am "out" to anyone new. I am no longer ashamed of Miki, and there is a great freedom in no longer being in the closet. While I am totally comfortable with the mental Miki I still am not always comfortable with the visual Miki, but I am working on that as I can and enjoy being Miki among my friends.

[Marcelle]

Hi Sophie,

Interesting threat/post. I only recently came out to my wife of 24 years after a 5 year spirally out control stint. I told her because I could not bear the pain of lying to her. I knew deep down that Isha always existed in one form or another but went to great lengths to supress her. By way of employment, I am in the military and do one of the manliest jobs available to a serving soldier. I have seen three combat tours and various operational infils. My wife has always seen me as manly man but in our last five years of marriage I got the distinct impression, she thought I was cheating on her and in a sense I was, with Isha.

I told her because I thought I was going to loose her and that pain was too hard to take. As well, if our relationship was going to have any chance of moving forward to this side of me, I would have to integrate Isha as she was beginning to be hard to control and suppress. In the end my wonderful wife was understanding and now we are on a discovery of Isha together.

I told my youngest sister because I had a need to have someone in my family know that I had this side to me. While I am sure the rest of my family (mother, older sister and various nieces) would understand, I think they would see it as a curiosity more that anything else and treat me very differently.

I won't tell my work colleagues (besides the various operational security reasons), I don't want them see me any different than I was before. Isha has always been with me and they have known her through my male side. The only difference, is now that Isha is out to my wife and I can explore her openly, my sense of calm and focus as both male and femme have improved greatly. Indeed, yesterday everyone at worked remarked how my game was so tight and focused . . . I smiled because Isha was the reason and in my world . . . femme is not something associated with a "tight game". :)

At present (who knows what the future will bring) I have no desire to tell the rest of the world about Isha (she is my night and her safe zone is home). I love being a man as much as I love being Isha. Both my sides have currently have their place in my life and for now my male side owns the day.

Isha

[Lynn Marie]

Wow Sophie, that was really well thought out and incredibly insightful. I rarely read long posts, but after reading yours I just may start! The only person l've told was my very best lady friend of all time, and as expected, it didn't turn out well at all. I didn't have to tell her, but I also couldn't keep on lying to her. I love her far too much to continue lying in addition to the fact that she could read me very well indeed. Yes, I still love her dearly, probably always will, and there were other things. The main thing was the lying and deception. I just couldn't stand it. I've had to learn that being unattached can be quite satisfactory. Fortunately, I have a great many CD girlfriends.

[robrose91]

Hi,

My GF caught me being laced into a corset by another one of my friends who got me into corsets and encourages me to dress up as it feels natural to me and whenever im dressed up I feel so comfortable and relaxed that i even go shopping with my girlfriend buying heels and bras and underwear anything really. Apart from having catsuits corsets and every item of female clothing and whenever im home im a girl and sometimes going out im a girl too depending on the day.

She was initially shocked and she has now come round to the idea and with my other friend they both encourage me to dress up daily and ive been wearing heels so often now my feet have slightly shaped to it but im happy because its what i want. My GF always goes buying me new outfits to wear like recently ive just got a corset style top wetlook leggings and 6inch patent stiletto heels which i never take off.

Its a fantastic feeling and hoping i can share more ideas to other CD's who want advice on going out for their first time or anything

Thanks

Rob (Rose is my girl name)

[SophieKitty]

I'm just a very honest and open person, I'm happy with myself, thanks to the forum I'm no longer worried about what I am. I feel that people have the right to know if they are close to me, and I'm pretty damn proud that I am bi-gendered. in all honesty I see it as an advantage because I can be who I want whenever I want. it's very liberating. There are going to be bigoted people, and I know I could be risking my life. But what's life without risks? People risk their lives doing extreme sports, eating fatty breakfasts and even J-Walking. Plus I consider myself a pretty capable person. It's also a matter of principle that minorities shouldn't be outed for their differences in a culture but treated like every other human being on earth.

But of any of you are aliens from another planet then I'll be massively bigoted and rally some yokels to kick you off the planet :P

[suzy1]

I seem to be a little different to most of the others here.
I have never had any need to tell anyone. In fact I think its exciting to have a secret side to my life that no one knows about.
As for ‘telling yourself’ I have never felt bad about this side of my life?

What I do have is empathy for others that are driven to tell their partners knowing that this could lead to possible marriage breakdown.
If we are to be realistic then we must recognize that CDing is not excepted in the world in general. [There are exceptions] Sadly it’s were homosexuality was a few years ago with no real sign of things improving anytime soon.

So why out yourself? Unless you have a very good reason to do so I would not recommend it myself.

[samanthasolo]

Wonderful post Sophie! I do love you comparison to CD'ing with that of gravity. I agree with you, I don't know why I do other than it is part of me and just is what it is. In my current life the only one who knows the full extent of ME is my wife. I do not wish to let anyone else know and nor does my wife. I have never let my children know and if they have any knowledge it could have come to them by my ex spouse but I have never been asked or questioned by any of them. I do think that some years down the road after my wife and I retire and relocate there is a possibility that we would be more open with new neighbors and friends just to be able to go about daily life more freely and less secretive. As it is now if we go out while I am dressing it entails an overnight or to far enough away where it is less likely that we will run into anyone we know. Like I have seen others state it is also a big concern of my wife about my safety when I am dressed and about,

[suchacutie]

My wife and I found "Tina" together so there was never the difficult moment of "telling", and luckily the moment of discovery was fascinating to both of us. Tina is our adventure, and we don't see any need to share that adventure with anyone else. There are a lot of issues my wife and I don't share with others, and Tina is one of them!

[Ressie]

It's too much to keep it completely inside. Maybe it's the female side that has a hard time keeping a secret. Personality type is definitely a big factor. Being between an introvert and analyzer I've only shared it with a few close people. My sister was the first over 30 years ago. I felt a need to get it off my chest at that time.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Very good questions, and a very good thread. It's multi-faceted for me. My future wife knew after around the third date (and after my divorce) before we continued our relationship and then eventual marriage. Even her family knew somehow and I'm sure my family knows but nothing is said. I didn't want to hide anything from my wife to have an honest loving relationship where she helps me and is 100% supportive. My daughters found out through my ex and have mentioned it but still love and accept me though we don't discuss it.

Then there's the "need to know" factor. No one really needs to know except those closest to me. But I don't go out admitting it. During my divorce many found out anyway but don't say anything. And I don't care because I've been a success in many ways and can tell anyone to go take a flying ------- .

I did come out to a few trusted girl friends from my younger days who are accepting and we talk about it some times. My hair stylist knows too and is fine with it. I suppose I came out on a limited basis just because I didn't want to keep this bottled up and to be honest with some close friends. I have guy friends that I haven't told only because I detect their possible phobic reactions. And CDing friends, well obviously I'm open to them.

I think for me it boils down to the fact that no one needs to hear it from me and I don't care if they hear it from someone else. My very best friends will accept me the way I am and love me. The rest were never really friends at all.

Cheryl

[LaurenAnne]

Why tell – Why out yourself?

At the end of the day I think it comes down to the pain that hiding an aspect of one's self causes, a pain that folks who have not hidden such a thing for a lifetime cannot understand. The very act of keeping the secret implies that there is something wrong with what we do and who we are, and it contributes to the shame and guilt with which many of us are familiar.

Obviously circumstances will dictate the safety and real world repercussions from coming out (a single CD and one who's been married in the closet for 30 years with a bunch of kids are in very different positions); but in general I think it's a step towards happiness and a more healthy self esteem.

[bridget thronton]

I think telling let's you be in control of the message. When the dressing progresses to the point that discovery is a risk - it is better to tell your loved ones rather than have them hear about it through the gossip mill. I told my wife so I would not be lying or hiding things. She insisted I tell the adult children so they did not hear it from someone else.

[sandra-leigh]

I agree with Lauren about the pain of hiding oneself. I don't like to lie, but I was far enough gone that wearing men's clothes was feeling like a perpetual lie.

In particular, not telling my wife was tearing me apart. My relationship was not in great shape so it was risky, but I figured that to not tell was to deem that the relationship was effectively over, whereas if I told there was at least a chance that things would work out.

With regards to introverts being less likely to tell: I am not sure that is the case.

Introverts are classically defined as "people who recharge their energy through quiet" and extroverts are "people who recharge their energy by being around other people". Everything else, like buying introspection in bulk lots, is not what introspection is really about.

Those that do spent vest amounts of their time alone and thinking about life, could potentially find themselves content to live it within their thoughts, but I am more familiar with the quiet types whose "life inside their head" extends to at least a little outside their skin, and are not willing to cede anyone else control of their body; such people would dress to match the insides, whether the world likes it or not.

[Nikki A.]

All very interesting observations and it shows that each of us must travel our own path and that there is no right or wrong.
As for myself, the first person I told was my wife before we each got too committed. Not always accepting or understanding but she knew it was a part of who I was. Over the years together I did progress in what I did from occasional underdressing to full dressing and some clothes mixing. One of our boundaries was that it would stay our secret and she didn't want me going out dressed other than Halloween.
After she passed away, all was possible. I joined a local TG group and went out as Nikki. After that I decided that there was a whole world out there for Nikki. I have come out to the people who I felt would be accepting and that I could be comfortable with in either mode. If someone else finds out, that's life and I know that I will continue to be who I am.

[Frédérique]

What factors influence you to tell or not tell?

I WANT to tell because I feel crossdressing is an amazing, beautiful, and unique thing to do. I do NOT want to tell because I found this precious thing (crossdressing), and I need to protect it at all costs. I WANT to tell because I want those closest to me to be aware of my “secret” life (if something happens to me, for instance). I do NOT want to tell because any negativity will rupture this beautiful little pink bubble I’m floating around in. I WANT to tell because I want to verify my existence as a crossdresser, or whatever I feel I might be. I do NOT want to tell because I’m not sure what I am, i.e. not ready to declare anything…

I WANT to tell because I’m dying to tell someone. I do NOT want to tell because I don’t trust anyone. I WANT to tell because I want to meet others like me. I do NOT want to tell because I want to remain in the closet, perhaps forever. I WANT to tell because I feel kinda special. I do NOT want to tell because I don’t feel all that special. I WANT to tell because I’m sure people of a compassionate nature will understand me. I do NOT want to tell because there are precious few people out there who would understand me. I WANT to tell because I love myself. I do NOT want to tell because a lot of people hate what I am…

I WANT to tell because I must. I do NOT want to tell because…uh…I must… :straightface:

[AllieSF]

Great thread and OP. Thanks. I am out to every stranger that I run across while out. I am not out to family, friends, neighbors nor casual acquaintances. Right now, there is no justifiable reason nor need to tell those still in the dark. Though, I would suspect that maybe my kids are wondering what is Dad up to with the longer clear polished nails and pierced ears. Also, my adult son lived with me for quite a while and probably had a lot of opportunities to discover some telltale evidence that I may have left exposed, or by snooping through my over stuffed and over stocked closets. I am OK with that, and if they find out and confront me with it, I will deal with it at that time, being very tempted to ask them, "How much truth and details can you handle?".

Now, I think that there is another reason that a lot of people don't tell. It is one of fear and not just the one about what we do as transgendered people. Many times we do not share some private and personal information because we are just afraid to do it. We are not so much worried about the outcome so much as maybe that initial reveal moment and conversation with feeling of embarrassment over that issue whether CD related or not because we know that we will get over with little difficulty. Some people just have a problem telling their SO or someone else important to them about a new dent in the car, or the fact that they just bought a new set of golf clubs that were more expensive than the other sets, or I am down today because my boss got on me and I couldn't think of the right answer, which would have shut him down in his tracks, because of a reactional brain freeze at that moment. Then add in the CD factor and it gets even harder.

PS: Wonderful reply Freddie. Thanks.

[vikki2020]

Nice post! Yes, it is a very individual thing. Only you know how your own situation is, and what may happen. My wife knows, and my daughter now. Every store in the neighborhood I frequent knows also! It's inevitable, that I will start to run into people I know, including family. Actually, can't wait for that---my way of "letting them know"!

[Dani0948]

Before joining this site, it never occured to me that I would tell my wife (again). I originally told her before we got married, but then told her I would stop. I pretty much did for many years, but started dressing when she was out. Every daybrings a different feeling. One day I know I will tell and the next day I know I cannot.
Sooner or later I'll get caught. I'm not convinced telling would lead to a better outcome then getting caught. So for now I'll just try to be carefull and wait for the "right" moment.

[ReluctantDebutant]

When I am around people particularly people I know is the time I least feel like dressing. I just have no desire to dress around others. I suppose I could tell them but then they'd be very confused as to why I told them and never dressed around them.

[Leona]

Because getting caught is Bad. Is there any other reason?

I don't want to live a lie, for any reason at all. In fact, the best way to keep your lies straight is to stick to the truth as much as possible. :)

For me, most of the reasons to tell are to avoid the consequences of not telling:

* This part of me would be minimized because I'd only get to do it secretly
* There's a level where I'd have to stop exploring because going farther would leave traces that would be found
* In the event of full-scale discovery (you know, the kind where in a moment, all of your friends and family find out about it), you see friends and family that you really cared about walk away from you. This is avoided by telling such people early, before you've invested so much in a relationship with a bigot. Without being open, this threat always lingers.

There's a difference between private and secret. All of my friends know, and they occasionally see pictures of it. Most of the dressing is relatively private (except for the skirting I do every day as loungewear, but we don't often get visitors, either), but none of it is secret. It works for me. I'm sure some of my friends will step up when I'm ready to do something more public than what I've done and will be happy and proud to go out with me, and I'm just as sure that some of my friends would rather not be there for that.

Still waiting to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but you know that won't happen until I'm much more public about it. :)

[sheilagirl]

My Therapist knows and has met Sheila several times. I recently started going to my counseling sessions, Dressed, and I have always had a very positive experience!

[Sophie Yang]

I took bits and pieces from the different posts and put them in a spreadsheet before I realized that it is not one of the allowed types. For those interested, I placed the results in the attached word document as a table.

Where one is in life plays a role in "Why tell - Why out yourself?" Based on tone of the responses, most are either raising children or who's children have flown the coop. Those still raising children have the big responsibility of providing. Revealing may jeopardize ones job which would be a big incentive not to reveal. Some, not all, who have retired, are more open to revealing who they are.

If interested in personality types, Google Briggs Myers personality test.

Thanks everyone for responding.

[oliviall]

I am a bad liar and I hate secrets... that's why I share sometimes more than I should I suppose.

[Melaniexox]

For me it came in stages...

my first girlfriend, I told her I had a panty fetish.

My seconde, I started with the panty fetish and then realized I actually wanted to be a full blown women...I told her just like this " i want the underwear, he toes, nails , bra, hair,dress, make up " etc. She Claims to like it.. I'm having severe doubts lately. I realized. This is me...I canon't change it.. Its inevitable. WHy fight it? I LOVE dressing up. I love the femininity. Ive accepted it 100%. My family members do not know or friends especially. BUT I am not turning backwards. I am moving forward. I am going to continue to dress. Simple as that

[Ressie]

If you at least tell your spouse you won't have to worry about being blackmailed!

[Chardonnay Merlot]

My situation was influenced first by how one of the most important people in my life found out. My dad knew about this before I really did, because he found some of my articles and he confronted me on it.

I couldn't lie to him and chose not to. After his initial natural meltdown, he calmed down and it led to a moment that has galvanized our lives since.

It took 6 months before I really could get honest and from there truly begin to explore something that has been there since I was 8. I "came out" to myself first and said the word without denial, "This is a part of what makes me, me.."

Within a month, I joined a support group, and found that I wasn't alone...and from there I put myself into learning mode. Learning about me. Learning about this part of me. Getting an understanding of the big picture.. Once I was able to do that and really wrap my head around it and continue to do so..I felt ready to at least have an idea of who outside of the cadre of support I built to let in.

Since then, I've come out my mom...if nothing to pre-empt a repeat of what happened with dad. I'd rather have told him at a time of my choice. My mom is slowly coming around. Its been a year since I revealed this to her. Recently she initiated a hopeful set of conversations surrounding my crossdressing and she put herself into learning mode. It's a start.

The people who do know, are mainly close friends who I've vetted enough to think they'll at least by accepting at some level. Some are but they've said, "I accept it, but I'm putting this in a box and probably won't mention it". And I'm okay with that. But I have others who aren't only open about they'll go shopping with me or give me suggestions, etc,.

I've also found some of the people you'd think would be totally unaccepting, can be not only cool, they wanna know the whole story. One of my best peeps since we were kids knows. I'm talking a homey I used to terrorize Pop Warner football with...and he was like "Rock on...I wanna see pictures"

My biggest influence is...I vet. I observe and then I go with my gut and usually the instinct aren't wrong. But the biggest thing is.. I try not make a big deal out of it.
I'm rather matter of fact about it.

[Lorileah]

sort of hard to go to work in a skirt and keep it a secret :heehee:

[Beverley Sims]

Sophie,
for you and others I think it is convenience, for others that don't tell it is also convenience.