Incremental progress

[kimdl93]

Looking at how my life has changed over the past few years, I can attest to the value and powers of making incremental changes in reaching your desired objectives and in maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner.

Linda Allen has been advocating a gradual approach for some time and I have been consciously following the same method. Over the past decade or so, I've eased into more open and more complete expression of my feminine self, in a long, deliberate reveal, ...acts, like casually dressing in stockings and panties in my wife's presence, rather than secretively...over time adding a few fem tops and slacks to my wardrobe, some light eye make up, wearing a bra and forms, and finally debuting my first wig.

All along, we kept up a low key dialogue. I made it a point not to blind side her, and the result has been relatively painless.

I'd be interested in hearing how your reveal progressed. Was it gradual or sudden?

[linda allen]

You already mentioned my method. As you put it a while back - "like a frog in a kettle". It's working for me. I just go towards my wife's discomfort point and try to stay just behind it.

I dress around her, wear jewelry and a wig. No makeup yet around her and though she knows about my padded panties, I haven't worn them around her. She buys me jewelry and clothes and we shop together for the both of us.

Baby steps, but they are working. I wouldn't risk a long term marriage by just popping out one day dressed and made up as a female. That might be too much of a shock.

[Alice B]

Mine is somewhat in between. I have never pushed the limits in my wife's face and over time she has come to accept my need to dress and that this desire is not going to go away. Now I can fully dress, makeup and all in her presence, can go out dressed, including for a week at DLV. She accepts that I need to express my female side, without guilt and to relive stress. There have been a few (very few) times that she expressed qualms when I wanted to dress, so I relented. Give and take works along with open communication.

[ReineD]

To Kim and Linda, do your wives know now, that all these years ago you had a set plan in place (you knew what the end result would be), but you deliberately withheld that information from them? If so, how do they feel about that?

Linda, you mention makeup. Does your wife know that you WANT to wear makeup?

The danger in following this approach as I see it, is that the bar is constantly moving and a wife could easily come to live while constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or, she might feel as if she was manipulated if she found out that all these years ago you knew how far you were going to take it, but chose to tell her just a bit at a time?

:hugs:

[Sister Rachel]

I'm not really sure that I have "desired objectives" .. I'm just glad that Anne accepts my dressing and that I can relax in the house with her in "female" clothing. She's perfectly ok about my ordinary skirts and tops,and lingerie, and has actually liked a couple of my dresses, although she's not so keen on my more O.T.T "fripperies" such as a pink tutu skirt, so I don't wear those things in front of her apart from when she's already in bed and I'm undressing in the bedroom, in which case I'm a little bit shamefaced and apologetic, and it's still not a big deal to her.

Makeup, wig, breastforms .. I think that would be a step too far for her, and they are only "desired objectives" for me inasmuch as, given the opportunity and funds, I would like to go to a professional transformation service, if only once, just to see what I would look like!

I suppose my "reveal" was quite sudden. I 'fessed up to Anne in '97 or '98, but the first time that she actually saw me dressed ( apart from wearing her panties as an erotic boost ) was New Year's Eve 011/012, after champagne .. put on my newly acquired prom dress and danced to Cyndi Lauper's " Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" .. things have been going well ever since :-)

[kimdl93]

I'm my case, yes. We talked about it step by step. I knew some of this as we discussed before marriage, to the extent i understood myself. since then it has been shared discovery of what works, what feels right.

[ReineD]

Thanks, Kim. I misunderstood. A shared discovery is a good way to put it. :)

[Lori Kurtz]

To Kim and Linda, do your wives know now, that all these years ago you had a set plan in place (you knew what the end result would be), but you deliberately withheld that information from them? If so, how do they feel about that?

Linda, you mention makeup. Does your wife know that you WANT to wear makeup?

The danger in following this approach as I see it, is that the bar is constantly moving and a wife could easily come to live while constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or, she might feel as if she was manipulated if she found out that all these years ago you knew how far you were going to take it, but chose to tell her just a bit at a time?

:hugs:

We're talking about the SO's feelings here, not necessarily about reality. She might feel as though there was a set plan in place, even though the CD might quite honestly deny that there was. A dream, maybe, or a hope, but not necessarily a set plan. Yes, the bar can be constantly moving, and that might be hard for the SO to take. And it might be hard for the CD to be patient with the fact that the SO's limit might be finally reached. This is part of what life is for us, I'm afraid.

[kimdl93]

I hate typing on the iPad. Never know when it will choose to substitute a word that may or may not make sense in the context of a post!

[PretzelGirl]

Mine was gradual for a different reason. From the beginning as I started to explore myself, my wife was right there seeing it all. I did only a little at a time and some was based on my feelings and some was based on the boundaries that we agreed to. So while there was only a little presented to her at a time, it was also only part of me at that time too instead of a planned exposure.

[linda allen]

There's never been a "set plan". I would never have thought years ago that I would be where I am today. Actually, I just stuffed a bra and maybe wore a blouse of my wife's from the laundry basket.

Finding this forum encouraged me to to take it further.

Does my wife know that I want to wear makeup? Probably but we haven't discussed it. I've hinted and will continue to do so but I'm waiting for her to make the next move.

We all have different relationships with different conditions and obstacles so each approach needs to fit the relationship. In my case, I don't think getting all dolled up with forms, padded panties, wig, makeup, etc. while my wife was out shopping and letting her just walk in on me would have been the best plan. Or even a good plan. More than likely, she would have demanded that I take it all off and never do it again. That would have been the end of it.

If it goes no further than where I'm at today, that's fine. I still have a loving wife and I'm comfortable and happy. If it goes further, that's even better.

[kimdl93]

I shared another thought with Reine earlier and thought it might be meaningful here as well. There did come a,time,for the big reveal, as its been called. In my case, it was preceded by years of I guess mixed presentation, where I incorporated a little make up, some feminine clothing, etc into my appearance. But there is something different, a definite bright line crossed once one puts it all together and presents fully as a woman. I did not take that step lightly, discussed it with my wife beforehand, and it was still a big thing. At least till we did it, then it wasn't such a big deal anymore.

[Tina B.]

My story is a lot different than anything I've seen so far, of course it's still a new thread.
The wife and I where having problems, mostly caused by me. I was moody, depressed a lot of the time, augmentative, just not in a good place, after another fight, she moved out and went home to mother, after a week cooling off, we got together to discuss where we where going from there, Split for good, or give it one more try, we talked about giving it one more try, and then I figured, it would all just be more of the dame, if I didn't solve my problem with wanting to dress (something I had not done in years.) So I told her before we could get back together, I had to tell her something important to me, and then came the "Big Revel")
She was mad because if that is all that was bothering me, and causing all of this problem, I should have spoke up sooner.
That afternoon, we went shopping, and she bought me everything needed to dress, that night she insisted I model what she had bought. That was more nerve racking than tell her I needed to do it.
She laughed nervously, when I walked in the room, but recovered fast, and complemented me on how well I looked.
After that I admit, I got lost in the pink fog for a while, but she brought me back down to earth after a crazy run of shopping and dressing, then things leveled out, and I've dressed at home when ever I wanted to every since, now after 37 years of dressing in front of her, I spend more time in female attire than I do in male.
So I guess you could say, I didn't go slow, I let it go off like a rocket!

[Marcelle]

My story is much like Tina B's. I had been married to my wife for 24 years and all along I know Isha existed. For the past five years I got moody, depressed and very angry. Originally diagnosed with post-combat PTSD (three tours and various operational infils), this was overturned by a combat psychologist who suggested there may be something else not combat related. I did not wish to explore it but knew what it was. Things came to a serious spiral a few weeks ago when I had an emotional breakdown at home. My wife got scared and wanted to call he military psych clinic. At that point I just came out and told her.

I admit she was taken aback but was relieved because she actually thought I was not happy with her, our marriage and was most likely having an affair (none of which was true).

We talked about what I liked and would like to do and how that would make her feel. Then we just leaped in finding Isha. This was a complete en femme (albeit not very pretty) makeover (make-up, wig, lingerie, dress and heels - waxing as well . . . OW).

So like Tina B, we just kind of rocketed in to this. I know it is new and I am sure there will be some setbacks but we are moving along and have agreed to discuss everything no matter how insignificant we may think it is.

Isha

[Raychel]

Although I did not have a set plan that I was aiming at, My path has
been very similar and has worked quite well. I have not hidden anything from her
but have not really gone out of my way to show either. As time has passed she
has seen the full me in bit and pieces, when she was ready. and not the kids,
not really kids, all teenagers, have seen me as well,

[Beverley Sims]

Kim,
I have always promoted gradual, blue jeans to lighter colors is the latest.
I do dress as a female in my wife's presence as shown in my avatar when away it was a little androgynous.
That was a leap forward.

[LasVegasXD]

I started gradually with my ex-wife. It started soon after we began dating. I just asked to borrow a pair of her flip flops and kept them on. Funny enough after that, she seemed to push me occasionally into new territory, like heels, make up, and wigs. I must say after she pushed me so far out, it was rough when she pulled back. I kind of felt abandoned in a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. In the end everything worked out for the better. I'm not burdened by her and can dress when I want, and she doesn't have to deal with me or Jenny. Now a days I think I would go for the upfront option. I would rather not invest myself in a relationship that has to be a lie. I would rather find out if she's a fan of Rocky Horror and work from there.