Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?

[Kelly DeWinter]

Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?

It's a rhetorical question, but from personal experience, I know that some can and some cannot. And that there are so many different situations.

Would like to hear your thoughts.

[AllieSF]

I agree with you that some can work it out and others cannot. I also agree that very good marriages with very open communications and let's say two mature people involved have a much better chance of making it work after that big reveal. However, even in that perfect relationship, if the receiver end of the reveal is totally against that activity (CDing, sky diving, hunting big game, fetish activities, or suddenly wanting to join the Detroit Police force where one may be at life and death risk on a regular basis) the quality of the relationship and communication process may have little bearing on the end result, i.e. I think that the receiver may very well be justified as saying they do not accept nor tolerate that activity in their relationship. Hopefully, in these excellent relationship but non-accepting cases they are able to reach a marriage dissolving agreement mutually and without malice toward the other party.

Because every person, situation and relationship is different with their own specific and unique personal issues and considerations no third party can really say that a marriage failed only due to CDing or only because there were other previous unresolved or on going issues, that is to say that stating that a good relationship fails after the reveal is because it already had problems before is over simplified and somewhat naïve.

The other thing to consider is that in the USA about 50% of marriages fail. The remaining 50% is made up of those who are lucky, may have great communication and problem solving skills individually and as a couple, and those that stick together for the kids (only sometimes justifiable to me in certain circumstances), or whatever reason, including just not wanting to deal with the issues, or having a DADT agreement (stated or assumed) where each party does their own thing within reason. To me that says that true good marriages that should be able to make it work are now in the minority.

[Tracii G]

It happens everyday around this forum.
I did a reveal with a girl I had dated a few times and that pretty much ended our dating.

[StaceyJane]

When my wife found out it was very tough for a while and my marriage could have ended but she eventually learned I was still the same person and we have been able to move on from there.

[LasVegasXD]

Mine worked for a while, but in the end she completely soured on the whole thing. Yoda's progress of fear to anger to hate and to suffering definitely applied. She supported it even pushed me further than I had ever gone by myself, and then the rollback started. Eventually she didn't want to be near it, and eventually she hated it and started to say very mean and destructive things. Oh well. The search for the perfect SO/mistress begins again. Also how can you not go for a personal body/house servant?

[abigailf]

That is what this condition does. It impacts relationships. It will change all relationships you reveal to and some that you don't reveal to. Some relationships may improve, some will get worse or lost, and some will just change not being better or worse but just different. That is what it does. Also, you will be surprised at how some relationships change. If you are an adventurous person, you may enjoy the ride...

[Marcelle]

Outing to my wife occurred quite by accident as I had a complete and utter emotional breakdown in front of her. She was afraid I was suffering the effects of post combat PTSD and wanted to call my work to ensure I was cared for. I had not choice but to come clean . . . it wasn't PTSD as I had been cleared some time for operational deployments. So I told her the truth.

She accepted it and is currently helping me create the femme side of Isha. That is now and it has only been a few weeks. I don't push it but can be a bit over zealous as I have been given the opportunity to express a side I have kept supressed for so long. We talk everything out and I want to ensure she is comfortable with everything. For example, last night I spent my first night ever in a nightie. When my wife came to bed it was my first impulse to hug and cuddle but was afraid as I was not 100 percent sure how she would take it so at first I did not. I ruminated in my mind a few minutes, turned on the light and asked her if she would be comfortable with it . . . she smiled and said it's just clothes, you are still the person I love and we had a wonderful evening.

Now I get it . . . this could change in the blink of an eye. That is why I believe communication through every step of the transition is required. I have no doubt boundaries will be reached but those need to be identified, discussed and agreed upon.

Isha

[GaleWarning]

My situation was completely abnormal. Because neither of us knew how to handle the situation, and because it all happened 10 years ago when this site was not yet in existence, it ended badly.

[PretzelGirl]

What is difficult to me is filtering out the ones where things were already in trouble before the CDing came to light. This can make it look like the CDing is the issue when it really is just being used as a tool to meet someone's desired end. Other than that, the quality of the relationship will have some bearing, but the spouses perception of what we do is key.

[Amy R Lynn]

Acceptance is really circumstantial. It depends on how accepting the SO is of other people's differences. There are some people that just don't understand and firmly believe that anything other than what they think is normal is wrong. I have a friend who is that way. He can't understand how someone can be gay, or dress like women. He has no idea that I'm a CD'r. I'm certain that it would end our friendship of 30 years. I've tried to explain to him that its just something that some people desire. I used the example of liking your favorite flavor of ice cream. Then imagine that were considered wrong by society.

The "Big Reveal" can certainly end relationships. But in the end I would think that relationship wasn't meant to be in the first place.

[Jenniferathome]

I do not believe that the "reveal" can end a relationship. There has to be more to it. Any relationship with a solid foundation can survive a "reveal." What ends relationships is all the subtext of hiding, lying, etc. Blaming the end of a relationship on coming out as a cross dresser, alone, is a cop out.

[AllieSF]

Jennifer, I did not mean that just the "reveal" itself (the act of revealing) would end a strong relationship. I do believe that it is possible, even when based on nothing more than revealing something that to the other party that is totally unacceptable to them, that goes against their own beliefs or whatever. I would guess that in a strong relationship, that most of the time the issues would be able to be over come. However, my post was also meant to state that I believe that there is every possibility that over time that strong relationships can fail because one party is doing something that the other does not approve of, and that includes crossdressing, as well as, the other examples I gave in my earlier post here and probably many others that someone else can mention. It is not a cop out, it is the reality of one of the parties that can not accept that new information in any way, no matter how hard they try.

I totally understand that maybe most strong relationships may be able to weather the reveal and the mid to long term adjustments that both parties try to make to keep the relationship going. I also think that even some shaky relationships can weather the storm too. However, I totally disagree that "all" strong relationships will survive over the long term. There are just too many variables in people, relationships and personal circumstances that come into play, that are not necessarily obvious or even known to either party when the crossdressing comes into the picture to be able to state as strongly and often crossdressing will not break up strong relationships. That to me is totally unreasonable. If you would state that in most circumstances it should not fail, then I would agree. There are very few absolutes in this crazy and unpredictable world of ours, especially when concerning humans, except death, taxes and some laws of nature.

I would like to believe that what you say is totally correct, but I see too many breakups for all kinds of reasons, including a very important one that people can and do change over time, they may lose interest in one thing and have new interests that may seem totally out of character to the ones that are closest to them, like SO's, family and friends. Sometimes those new interests, or hidden interests, that were unknown to them are just not acceptable to them, even though they have a great relationship with zero issues up to that moment. They may try to adapt, tolerate and may even say that they accept it and support their SO, but as can be seen so many times on this site, sometimes the SO just can't live with it over the long term, thus the surprise reversal in feelings when least expected. Are all those relationships perfect, probably not, but then I really haven't seen many perfect ones, including some of those that lasted forever, but were really just a sham for a long time.

I do think that just as with other relationship issues both parties should try as hard as possible to identify all the causes for their problems and make every effort twice or three times before calling it quits. That includes counseling, compromise, and working to improve their individual communication processes and skills, which for many people are very difficult to learn.

[Lynn Marie]

I do not believe that the "reveal" can end a relationship. There has to be more to it. Any relationship with a solid foundation can survive a "reveal." What ends relationships is all the subtext of hiding, lying, etc. Blaming the end of a relationship on coming out as a cross dresser, alone, is a cop out.

The years of deception is what I feel is at the heart of the destruction of a relationship. Love and intimacy is built on trust. Once that has been shattered, how do you fix it?

[Michelle (Oz)]

I totally understand that maybe most strong relationships may be able to weather the reveal and the mid to long term adjustments that both parties try to make to keep the relationship going. I also think that even some shaky relationships can weather the storm too. However, I totally disagree that "all" strong relationships will survive over the long term. There are just too many variables in people, relationships and personal circumstances that come into play, that are not necessarily obvious or even known to either party when the crossdressing comes into the picture to be able to state as strongly and often crossdressing will not break up strong relationships. That to me is totally unreasonable.

I thought my previous marriage was built on a strong loving and mutually supportive relationship. So when I revealed my interests, all seemed OK. Over time my dressing ate away at my ex and she quietly reorganised her life. Mentally she moved on. Her announcement that she was leaving me came out of the blue. Would that have happened if our relationship was genuinely strong? I'll never know but there was a strong coincidence in timing between my starting dressing and her withdrawing participation in the relationship.

Now remarried in a strong loving and mutually supportive relationship, the reveal led to some very shaky times and took months to move past the shock and feeling from both sides that we weren't truly loved. Things are now at a point where our marriage is very strong again but my dressing is strickly out of sight and never discussed - an extreme DADT.

Allie, I very much share your view. CDing is such a strong negative to many (most?) women that the impact even within strong relationships can be fatal even if the impact is not immediately apparent. There are just so many variables.

It is very wrong of us on this forum to provide advice that is absolute. The best we can do is recount our own experiences. In my case, that is one all.


The years of deception is what I feel is at the heart of the destruction of a relationship. Love and intimacy is built on trust. Once that has been shattered, how do you fix it?

The related question though is knowing the downside should we still reveal. With my current (and future!!) wife, it wasn't years of deception but the sudden reemergence of the need to dress after 3 1/2 years together. She saw it as me deceiving and trapping her but it really wasn't.

I am now pleased that I told her of the return of my need to dress. I feel a degree of honesty about my dressing. While I try to hide clothes and my dressing, being caught will not risk to our relationship.

But everyone has to make their own decision about whether to reveal and live with the consequences whether they do or don't. Bottom line is that CDing is a very difficult interest for our SOs to deal with.

[docrobbysherry]

Marriages r on a sliding scale. Same as gender and sex drive.

There r strong marriages and weak marriages. Most of them fall in between.

A strong marriage can handle situations that may be very traumatic. Coming out may not even be on the list of "worst things that could happen".

A weak partnership can fail because of a seemingly minor irritation. Well short of one person coming out.

The fact is this. MANY folks "settle" for their current partner. Later on realizing that was a mistake! And, very little of this has anything to do with dressing!

[Jacqueline Winona]

No, it really isn't. I get the argument that a marriage can and some may say should survive the disclosure, and that it isn't really the dressing, its the lies, half truths, time, money, etc. associated with it. But the thing that most CD's don't tell, tell part of the truth on, or spend too much time or money doing, is . . . crossdressing.I Its kind of like a SO saying I don't mind gambling, its the fact money is spent on gambling, more time than should be is devoted to gambling, and a spouse cares more about gambling than his or her family. But all the negative traits that a spouse hates are still about gambling. Here, dressing is the root of trouble for tons of couples, some women can't accept it or get past it, and many relationships don't survive disclosure. .

[heatherdress]

So many different circumstances and variables can result in so many different consequences.

A "big reveal" about what: Occasional crossdressing? Transition? Bi-sexual desires? Out of control spending? Telling the family?

Relationship: Long term marriage? New girlfriend? Solid relationship? Already troubled relationship? History?

Circumstances: Children? Living with parents or in-laws? Financial sound or unsound?

Personalities: Wife/SO open-minded? Communication skills? Trust levels? Ages?

Too vague to determine results or any generalities regarding effect on relationship.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Depends on what the relasionship is built on, the foundation or can the perception of how you were or are seen. to myself clothes makeup shoes or any thing in that reguard has total no bearing, its about the person the real who you are,

Yet when you enter into a relasionship do you really know each other & all those hidden details not talked about ,not shown .

As a kid i knew who i was what i was yet because of my lack of langage skills & explaining detail & what i had been told about ...if... being different what would happen to myself 55 years ago. my mouth was shut tight, plus there were no names = words i could use to say this is what i am.

i did not hide i was too dumb . Jos & I , though we are not married , were 35 years, we still have a close friendship history together & a large family 17 of us, Jos & i knew our marirage would end 14 years ago, we worked through that, hence we are able to remain close & friends, our way of looking at it is we cant have two women in the same kitchen, at the sametime. Jos needed a male / man & still does, im not,

i was percived as one just i was different & could not fullfill in a way a male can what a woman needs i spos in some ways i did, just not in a 100% way, hey i failed i know i did, well i knew i would fail , at least i tryed,

There was detail in my background that effected myself, not to excuse myself just the fact ,what im not sure about is there were very few who saw in me my difference yet when i look back what stands out to myself is how you are percived in your conduct & the way your dressed, can give off manerisms that people wont to accept that your male or female i gave off both even as a kid yet that does not explain it all.

I would have to say even before age 24 i never saw myself as getting married because i was scared to afraid it would fail because of what happened in our family yes horrivic, im very surprised Jos & i stayed together for so long was not easy,

Im certinlay not perfect far from it, was not easy to live with,

One thing about my early life was Mom never restricted myself in being who i was then i had a full rein to explore in myself so from that i never had to try & prove myself it was never about are you a boy or gril it was just be you. remember this was the 1950's .

& the other detail is i dont well did not expect others to accept my difference & try to understand why i am this way, being different has its own issues working through them & letting others work with you when they are ready is importaint,

just a little more about us,

...noeleena...

[kimdl93]

I can't speak from experience because in my case, the big reveal came at the end of many, many small steps over years...maybe it was rather anti climactic, but it didn't seem so at the time.

I can understand why this could be a deal breaker for people with very rigid notions about gender roles and similarly fixed ideas about what they want in a partner. We are not everyone's cup of tea.

[linda allen]

In my case, there was no "big reveal", like Kim, it was a gradual thing. I've posted the story before.

Actually, it's still moving, there is no "final" result.

[Sarah Beth]

It nearly ended mine, but then I didn't tell her she caught me at it. At the time I moved into the basement and stayed there for several weeks and it wasn't pleasant around the house there for awhile. Then I got rid of all my girl things and told her I wouldn't do it anymore. Of course we all know how that worked out, it wasn't long before I was back at it and hiding it.

In the end I finally told her again but that was some years later and I was more careful about how I explained it and my motivations and where I was going with it. She was still pretty angry about it at first but I was more able to answer her questions and discuss it.

It just seems to be different for everyone, as their circumstances are different and relationships are not the same for all.

[JenniferZ]

I consider myself very lucky. I was dating only a short time when I just blurted it out - I am a crossdresser - and it didn't make any difference. I wanted an open and honest relationship. It's just clothes was her response and you are still the same person. Music to my ears!
Since then we have had a wonderful and loving relationship and I feel fully supported. Now that my daughter has moved out we feel like we will experiment more and the dressing, so far has enhanced the intimacy. I often wear nylons and panties to bed and it's all very passionate. I want to take her to a crossdressers conference and just looking for the right one. So far SCC seems to be one of the best.

Jennifer.

[Lori Kurtz]

Can the reveal end the relationship? Depends both on the strength of the relationship, and on what it is that needs to be revealed. Relationships sometimes survive all kinds of unexpected events, including horrible debilitating injuries and diseases, or losses of children--things much worse than what kinds of clothes one of the partners wears. But crossdressing means different things to different crossdressers. For me, it is a sexual act, so if I had a SO for whom crossdressing was not something she wanted to support and participate in the enjoyment of, it would mean that I would be taking sexual energy away from her that she might reasonably want to have directed toward her--almost as if I had a relationship with some other person in addition to her. It's a rare SO who would be comfortable with that. And so my point here is that the nature of the particular individual's crossdressing--the significance of the practice to the person doing it--can be an important factor too.

[TGMarla]

Is it really any wonder that so many crossdressers choose to never risk revealing this to their wives and girlfriends? Some are very lucky, and gain total acceptance. But I think this is really rather rare, despite what is tossed around on these forums. I think most of the time, the reaction ranges from negative to WAY negative, and the relationship suffers or is destroyed. I'm not advocating dishonesty, but disclosure is a personal choice, and much of the time, we as crossdressers are very much between a rock and a hard place.

[NicoleScott]

People will believe what they want to believe, evidence being irrelevant. Those who think coming out as a CDer can't end a marriage simply haven't been paying attention. They always say there were other factors, but not having a clue to what those other factors were. Marriages that have rolled along fine for decades are suddenly ended by the big reveal.
It strikes me as strange that CDing can't end a relationship but can strengthen one. Many have posted that the intimacy, the honesty, the trust, etc. brought them closer. But drive them apart? No, can't happen, they say, must be something else. Can't have it both ways.

[jillleanne]

I got lucky one could say. From the moment she heard I am tg, she accepted it as a part of me, albeit, with some hesitation and smiles along the way. Shortly after discoverfy, she was assisting in making me look more presentable and not so flamboyant. Today, it's just a blending in that I look to achieve. Her first question to me was, and is for many others, " Are you gay?". That was her single most fear. After clearing that up, she was totally accepting and supportive.
It comes as no surprise to me why marriages fail as a direct result of discovery. Women entered into a relationship with men, not men sometimes, and anything to the contrary is perceived to upset their genetic role as child bearers or more accurately, that male does not become as attractive to the female as a strong donor of sperm for child bearing. Instinctively,. a women seeks the best possible mate for child bearing, and a tg person does not fill that picture out very well unfortunately. Then of course, she imagines going out with the children in arm, and the spouse in heels and a cheap wig and well, just keep imagining, using television as a guideline just like she does, or worse yet, crimes posted across the media forum.

[Wildaboutheels]

Hard to believe? NO, of course not for the members here living in the RW. But of course in any group of folks, there will be some who are quite happy with their heads in the sand and a finger in each ear who are more than happy to tell others what works and what doesn't.

The only word for this behavior that comes to mind is denial.

[suzy1]

I do not believe that the "reveal" can end a relationship. There has to be more to it. Any relationship with a solid foundation can survive a "reveal." What ends relationships is all the subtext of hiding, lying, etc. Blaming the end of a relationship on coming out as a cross dresser, alone, is a cop out.

With the greatest of respect to you Jennifer I could not agree less!
I am mystified by how difficult some members find it to appreciate what it must be like for a wife to find out their husband likes to wear panties and a dress.
Do we get so involved in our own little world of C.D.ing that sometimes we loose sight of the bigger picture?

[Tina B.]

No one has mentioned the one thing that ends marriages faster than all others, it's the icky factor, many people including many women find what we do icky, it's that simple, A man that will give up his status in a male dominated society, to pretend to be the "weaker half" of the gender equation is neither a women, or a "real man" in the eyes of the world. And that is seen as icky, strange, weird, freaky, or what ever else you can think of that is negative, so why wouldn't some women run away as fast as they can.
We are what we are, but really we can't expect every one to be OK with it. Check out how some religions feel about it, and even the ones that are becoming more enlightened will spend a lot of time getting there congregations to change their minds.
For us that have been lucky, and found a women that is accepting it's easy to say It's just clothes, that can't end a marriage, but I've read enough on here to know, everyone has problems in live, even with out the clothing, so why couldn't the clothes be the straw that broke the camels back? Personally, I've hit what seems very normal around here, one marriage rejected because of it, and one that it was no big deal, it can go either way!

[CarlaWestin]

"Disclosure is a personal choice." as already posted here is right on. You seriously are not doing your SO a favor by cleaning up your own backyard and dumping the trash in hers. I think if you are considering the big reveal consider this. Your SO wants you to sit down because she has something to tell you that she just can't keep hidden anymore. It all started innocently enough. Twenty dollars here and there in the slot machine at the grocery store. A couple of hundred at the craps table after lunch with the girls. $10,000 from the emergency fund on red.
"You know, we can arrange an equity loan at the casino credit office so you can win your money back, ma'am."
"Oh, well I wondered where you were all day."
"Don't worry Honey, we'll get through this together"
"What do you mean, we?"

My point is that there isn't a good time for full disclosure. It's kind of like when is a good time to pull the arrow out of your heart.

There is no such thing as un-fart.

[Druscilla Supernovae]

It depends in the partner. She can be the most open minded person and accept it or she can be a tight wad and be like "heck no". Me being single I'm enjoying every moment of it.

[Debglam]

It can or it can't. It can be the "last straw" or it can be the only straw. It can be no big deal. Every individual in a relationship is different and every relationship is different. I will put one thing back on the revealer - you have to realize that no matter how good or how bad the relationship is, "the reveal" IS a major shifting of the gears! Post-reveal actions need to take this into consideration. Even the most accepting partner is going to need some time to digest this change.

[CarlaWestin]

Oh wait, I forgot to answer the question.

Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?

NO, if you're honest with yourself.

I think people fool themselves into thinking that it might just be OK to reveal and then carry on like nothings happened and the relationship will survive. Come on, the accepting SO exists mainly in the clandestine CDer's head or in someone elses post you read.

[michelleddg]

What Kim said. So easy to imagine the response being "You're a what???? Ugh, that is so creepy, the visuals make me physically ill. Ain't no way I'm spending my life married to a crossdresser." Hugs, Michelle

[Beverley Sims]

Dependinh on how and how quickly you do it it can be "poof" all gone or last forever.
All situations are different.

[Jennifer Kelly]

I've recently started seeing someone. I wouldn't call her my girlfriend yet but it definitely seems to be heading that way. I'm pretty sure just by some things she has said (most recently her reaction to a guy wearing a Utilikilt who walked by us in the mall, she thought it was a regular skirt from a distance and scrunched up her face and said "is that guy wearing a skirt?", my eyes are better than hers and I informed her it was a kilt and she chilled out a bit) that she won't take kindly to my dressing, but I also don't want to be keeping a secret so I will have to tell her eventually if things progress. I have lots of fun with her so I hope I can reach a point where I feel comfortable telling her, even if the best I can hope for is DADT. But the possibility of her bolting is definitely there.

[Jenniferathome]

I wanted to add two important clarifications.

1) I took the OP to mean revealing to a wife or SO of some long standing type. Clearly if a relationship is just starting, the woman has no vested interest in you and can easily bail out. That is not to say she can't handle it but rather it may appear to be too much effort.

2) in my original response I did not imply that a spouse would be "accepting." A strong relationship can still mean that the wife hates the cross dressing. Although my wife is very accepting, I know she would prefer I was not a cross dresser. It is abundantly clear, based on those here, that cross dressing, alone, does not cause a breakup.

[donnatracey]

Like Nicole and Suzi I could not agree less with that statement. Many cases on this site where that is exactly what happened. Wow.....:doh:

[AllyCDTV]

Sometimes what is believed and what is reality are two different things. Here is a link to an interview done at the 2010 Be-All conference with Sara Fenwick then president of Chi Chapter, (formerly of Tri-Ess) Fast Forward to the 6:02 mark. It says it all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgRnMJpnDcI

[SophieKitty]

Just noticed this thread. Of course a reveal can end a relationship. You have to accept your partner either is bigoted, or what's more than likely that they'll see it as a betrayal of trust. Sure it can end a relationship, but it can also cement it!

I know it means lying (so sue me) but to soften the blow, either ask them what they think if you started wearing womens clothing (to judge the mood) then get serious. Or just say that you've only just started doing it and you want them to help you experiment to "find yourself" and you think psychologically you'd like her to help you find yourself (even though you probably already have) a month later you can tell her you've decided, and by then she'd have time to adjust to things slowly.

[TheMissus]

Just noticed this thread. Of course a reveal can end a relationship. You have to accept your partner either is bigoted, or what's more than likely that they'll see it as a betrayal of trust.

Wow, it's that black and white? Trust or bigoted? Well, as one of the "bigoted" (I actually understood why someone would lie about CDing but this DIDN'T make it any easier) I can tell you from a GG POV that discovering your life partner, your MAN, the person you shared everything with, is NOT everything he said he was and in fact likes to be SOMEONE ELSE is not small fry. It's traumatic, heartbreaking and I can say from experience that when this reality is revealed, you're not sitting there giving a flying fart about LGBT rights - you want to KILL him! Or leave. Or kill him then leave...and before that you want him to take it all back and say it's not true and make it all okay again. So thanks for understanding how it is for us.

And to the OP, of course the big reveal can end a relationship. It can also end a person's trust and sanity and despite what everyone thinks of GGs tolerance or whatever, CD should NEVER be taken lightly when revealed. To those of us not in the know, it's like Armageddon.

[SophieKitty]

I apologise for being insensitive

[PaulaQ]

Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?


Showing my wife my true self, en femme, greatly accelerated the end of our marriage. (We are separated now. Divorce will happen in a couple of months, I think.) TELLING her I was having gender issues more or less shot our marriage in the guts. Actually showing her myself dressed as a female more or less ran a semi-truck over it. I was gone two months later, at her request.

BTW, I showed her my true self at her request. I thought it was a horrible idea personally, and I was right. But she insisted, I complied, hoping for the best, and getting the worst.

So no, this doesn't surprise me at all.

P.S. To those who say "wow, your marriage must not have been very strong then!" all I can say to you is "go screw yourself sideways."

P.P.S. My wife isn't bigoted. If I were just a friend of hers - she'd be totally cool with me being trans, and would probably shop with me sometimes. It's different when it's your spouse. She didn't marry a woman, and the idea of it was not one she could tolerate. Sucks, but that's how it goes sometimes. Some women handle this with greater equanimity than others. It is really just that simple.

[TheMissus]

P.P.S. My wife isn't bigoted. If I were just a friend of hers - she'd be totally cool with me being trans, and would probably shop with me sometimes. It's different when it's your spouse. She didn't marry a woman....

Paula, I'm like your wife in this regard - I will be at the front of the picket line! I'll also comment on the 'femme' presentation she insisted on seeing. I have many online CD wife friends and I know at least three whose therapist insisted they encourage the H to dress as much and as far as desired to see how far they would take it. It was a sort of reveal in itself but in my mind not the fairest or most ethical. None of these marriages survived as all three men took things too far. Funny, but two of the three actually said after their divorce that they didn't even WANT to dress as far as they went but felt obliged, so in my mind this isn't a good method.

Sophiekitty, thanks :) That wasn't directed entirely at you anyway. I've read too many comments on GG's just needing to accept. It makes me sad and sick as it's unfair in a hundred ways. So thanks for the apology.

[SophieKitty]

Sophiekitty, thanks :) That wasn't directed entirely at you anyway. I've read too many comments on GG's just needing to lighten up and accept to mention. It makes me sad and sick as it's unfair in a hundred ways. So thanks for the apology.

I'm just sorry that I was so bull-headed, I could blame the tiredness, but sometimes I can just be a bloody idiot *hugs*

[TheMissus]

Hugs back. I think anyone who can apologise is definitely NOT an idiot.

[Marleena]

Kelly, I think if the MTF members think back they might get a clearer picture of why an SO might not ever accept this. Do you (MTF's) remember how you felt when you discovered you were different from the other guys? Did you feel like a freak? Did you wonder about your sexuality because of it? did you ever get outed by accident? Do you remember the reactions?

Only in recent years has the thinking changed where therapists will tell you that you are okay and dressing is harmless. Also remember how mainstream media portrays us. It's slowly changing but most GG's have never met or had to deal with us. This can be a big shock and it's perfectly normal for red flags to go up. Even a perfect relationship can be ended by the GG after the reveal.

I know members are hurt and angry when an SO cannot accept but it does happen. Some women cannot and will not accept us. I don't see it as their fault as nobody prepared them for this. That is reality.

[Kate Simmons]

Not for myself, since that is what effectively ended my marriage.:)

[AllyCDTV]

I can tell you from a GG POV that discovering your life partner, your MAN, the person you shared everything with, is NOT everything he said he was and in fact likes to be SOMEONE ELSE is not small fry. It's traumatic, heartbreaking and I can say from experience that when this reality is revealed, you're not sitting there giving a flying fart about LGBT rights - you want to KILL him! Or leave. Or kill him then leave...and before that you want him to take it all back and say it's not true and make it all okay again. So thanks for understanding how it is for us.

And to the OP, of course the big reveal can end a relationship. It can also end a person's trust and sanity and despite what everyone thinks of GGs tolerance or whatever, CD should NEVER be taken lightly when revealed. To those of us not in the know, it's like Armageddon.

Well said. I would think that for most of us, our wives did not marry us because they wanted a lesbian partner. Many of us sit here and gripe that our wives won't accept us and why should they? A female wannabe was not part of the deal. And as far as dumping this reality on our SO, to what purpose does it serve? Might make a crossdresser feel better because they no longer have to hide it but I can see how it is devastating to the SO. So is it really that tough to understand how this could cause a divorce?

As I see it if a crossdresser wants to avoid a divorce there are really only 2 courses of action. Hide it so that the SO never finds out or quit the behavior, if you can. I have successfully hid it for over 5 years now but I know that luck has a way of running out. Two months ago I decided to stop the behavior. So far so good. I won't lie, it isn't easy but it also isn't the hardest thing I've done in my life either. Will I stay away from crossdressing forever? Time will tell. If I do fall off the wagon, I will get right back up on it again. This will not defeat me. And if you are wondering why I still visit this site, it is because of threads like this that serve to reinforce my resolve.

[MatildaJ.]

Some women cannot and will not accept us.

I agree with you, but just wanted to say a wife can "accept" that the guy she married is a cross-dresser, or is really a woman, without wanting to stay married to that person.

To the person who cross-dresses or wants to transition, it feels like they are the same person inside that they always have been. But they need to accept that they have presented a different persona to the world. And the persona is all that other people have access to. Couples may feel like "soulmates," but it's really just an illusion, where each person feels connected to the persona of the other person. Once the "big reveal" happens, and one tells one's SO that the persona was a fake persona, then it's not surprising that the feeling of being "soulmates" goes away.

People can rebuild relationships after "the big reveal" just as they can rebuild after an affair, but not if the revealer thinks the SO should feel just as connected to the new persona as they did to the old persona. That takes time and patience.

[Eryn]

Revealing one's TG side is a disturbance to a relationship.

All relationships have a differing level of stability, ranging from "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down" all the way to a pencil standing on its point.

The question is, will the disturbance be enough to topple the relationship? Plenty of relationships topple without CDing even entering into it. Others are already teetering on the thin edge and the slightest push is all it takes. Many experience some bumps, but the relationship stands fast.

The main criteria seems to be how good a relationship has been built before the "reveal." How many trials has it withstood? How committed are the partners to each other?

[PaulaQ]

The main criteria seems to be how good a relationship has been built before the "reveal." How many trials has it withstood? How committed are the partners to each other?

That's really judgmental - some relationships can be perfectly fine before this. Mine was. Hell, that is why my breakup is so hard - we still care about each other, but my wife absolutely can't abide me. The man she loved died, and I'm some type of horrible ghost or something.

I've been in a marriage that completely sucked - those are easy to break up from and in the end, a big relief. My wife and I were great for a lot of years.

So what you are really saying is that this is all my fault, and that I needed better relationship skills, or my wife really didn't love me. If that's the case - why does she grieve so?

[Jacqueline Winona]

Have to go with Paula on this one. Yes, marriages fail for many reasons, but this one seems worse than most to a lot of wives.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I have to say, this thread is not exactly doing wonders for helping me screw up the courage for "the big reveal."

Which is of course "the right thing to do," but the risk involved is astronomical, and this isn't helping!!!! Argh!

[TheMissus]

Have to go with Paula on this one. Yes, marriages fail for many reasons, but this one seems worse than most to a lot of wives.

In my personal opinion it is and was worse than most things. Even an affair may have been easier to understand? Why CDing is so hard to comprehend is beyond me...maybe it's some deep-rooted biological wiring that tells us femininity doesn't belong in our partner. Maybe it's as simple as it's a sexual turn-off. I do know it's not just social conditioning that leaves me feeling squicky as I was raised open minded and still am! I just can't stand my H wearing women's clothing. I really, really dislike it but I love him so I learn and tolerate what I can.

Would I prefer he didn't CD? OMG, yes!!!

[Jennifer Kelly]

I have to say, this thread is not exactly doing wonders for helping me screw up the courage for "the big reveal."

Which is of course "the right thing to do," but the risk involved is astronomical, and this isn't helping!!!! Argh!

This is kind of where I'm at. I just started dating this girl maybe three weeks ago and from some things she's said, I don't think she will take the reveal well, even though she seems to be into me. At what point should you tell your SO (which I wouldn't consider her yet but it seems to be heading that way)?

[Eryn]

It's not that hard to understand the difficulty since quite a few people equate crossdressing with perversion. An affair is something a spouse can discuss with friends. Crossdressing isn't. Add into the mix intolerant religions and/or upbringing and things can get dark very quickly.

I'll stand by my assertion that the outcome is dependent upon the foundation that has been built into the marriage by both partners. No marriage ends until one partner decides that they want it to end. If both resolve to keep things together they will emerge the stronger for it.

I socialize regularly with several CDing couples and to us (meaning both male and female partners) CDing is just another facet of our social life. Just about all thoughts of "stigma" are behind us where they should be. I think that it is really helpful for the spouses of CDers to get together like this because it gives them the opportunity to talk with women who are in the same boat as themselves.

[Tina_gm]

That's really judgmental - some relationships can be perfectly fine before this. Mine was. Hell, that is why my breakup is so hard - we still care about each other, but my wife absolutely can't abide me. The man she loved died, and I'm some type of horrible ghost or something.

I've been in a marriage that completely sucked - those are easy to break up from and in the end, a big relief. My wife and I were great for a lot of years.

So what you are really saying is that this is all my fault, and that I needed better relationship skills, or my wife really didn't love me. If that's the case - why does she grieve so?please forgive me as I have read many posts before joining. She grieves because she loves you. After many many years of a life you and her had built, it changed so dramatically. It is not merely the gender that has separated you and your wife, but that that were so much to you you never told her or gave her the option to choose. That is on all of us who disclose our feminine nature later on after marriage, and if we wish to stay married above all else, a burden we must bare in spite of our nature. Saying simply that does not mean we must give up our nature, merely that should we choose marriage as our 1st priority, our gender variance must take second billing. How THAT is done is what makes or breaks more relationships than the gender issue itself.

There will be some women who simply cannot deal with the gender variance at all even though they are open minded about a great many things, and then there will be others who would surprise all with acceptance (which does not mean like) but can accept. IMO, and I mean this only with respect..... you pushed her into the deep end before she learned to swim. Read your earlier posts upon the reveal, she did try to accept this as to her capabilities


This is kind of where I'm at. I just started dating this girl maybe three weeks ago and from some things she's said, I don't think she will take the reveal well, even though she seems to be into me. At what point should you tell your SO (which I wouldn't consider her yet but it seems to be heading that way)?Tell her ASAP, or be prepared for living a double life lie for the future which will likely one day reveal itself and become only harder.


That's really judgmental - some relationships can be perfectly fine before this. Mine was. Hell, that is why my breakup is so hard - we still care about each other, but my wife absolutely can't abide me. The man she loved died, and I'm some type of horrible ghost or something.

I've been in a marriage that completely sucked - those are easy to break up from and in the end, a big relief. My wife and I were great for a lot of years.

So what you are really saying is that this is all my fault, and that I needed better relationship skills, or my wife really didn't love me. If that's the case - why does she grieve so?please forgive me as I have read many posts before joining. She grieves because she loves you. After many many years of a life you and her had built, it changed so dramatically. It is not merely the gender that has separated you and your wife, but that that were so much to you you never told her or gave her the option to choose. That is on all of us who disclose our feminine nature later on after marriage, and if we wish to stay married above all else, a burden we must bare in spite of our nature. Saying simply that does not mean we must give up our nature, merely that should we choose marriage as our 1st priority, our gender variance must take second billing. How THAT is done is what makes or breaks more relationships than the gender issue itself.

There will be some women who simply cannot deal with the gender variance at all even though they are open minded about a great many things, and then there will be others who would surprise all with acceptance (which does not mean like) but can accept. IMO, and I mean this only with respect..... you pushed her into the deep end before she learned to swim. Read your earlier posts upon the reveal, she did try to accept this as to her capabilities