Lori Kurtz
09-01-2013, 02:01 PM
Being a CD, for many of us, involves layers of dishonesty and deception. I first registered here in a dishonest way, and today I want to make an honest man (woman?) of myself. I registered as a person much younger than myself (more like my age when I was an active CD), and then tried to register again with a separate name, as my real self and my real age. That wasn’t successful, so now I’m correcting what I did. Here is my story.
I was a closet CD from so far back in my childhood that I don’t even remember when and how it started, up until my early thirties. For me, CDing was a sex act. It wasn’t that I felt like I was or wanted to be really a female, and it wasn’t just that I liked or felt more comfortable in female clothing. It involved sexual excitement, and as I moved through puberty, I started creating a female identity that was the kind of girl for whom I had a forbidden attraction. I was a girl who was not ashamed or shy about her sexuality and desires. It was like I became the kind of girl I wanted, and then acted in the highly sexual way I would want her to act—for my own pleasure. The male me was a shy kid, and I took care of my sexual needs through my solitary CD activities during most of my teens.
Eventually I came out of my shell enough to meet someone and fall in love and get married, but I continued CDing from time to time. When she discovered my stash of clothes and makeup, I couldn’t think of any way to lie myself out of it, so I told the truth. She was horrified, and her discovery led to the end of the marriage. I don’t blame her for this: I was not honest with her, and she didn’t sign up to share her life with both a man and an imaginary woman. Other than my first wife, nobody ever knew anything about my secret female identity.
Having lost a wife of more than ten years, I had to re-evaluate my life. I was a little more confident on the dating scene, and met a wonderful woman. But I sensed that the CD concept would not fly with her, so I decided not to do it anymore. Not to say that everybody could manage that, and I certainly wouldn’t condemn anyone who couldn’t. But for me, it worked. I was a little like an alcoholic who was able to get past his drinking. I found that it was possible to do without my drug. I still had some fantasies, but I didn’t carry through with them. I had a great life with my new wife, including a great sex life. Maybe part of what enabled me to do without CDing was that she was so excellent in that area.
Last year, after more than 27 wonderful years for us, she received a cancer diagnosis, and thank god, her struggle did not last long. She’s gone, and she never had a clue about my CD past. Time to re-evaluate my life again. I don’t know what’s ahead for me. My equipment still works pretty well, so I’m back to taking care of myself sexually on my own, without dressing up, but often with some vivid fantasies of the way I used to look and act when dressed up. At this age, I’m not eager to try to make another marriage work—I feel like it could only be a disappointment.
When I see the pictures of you girls on this site, I see a lot who, like me, are not exactly spring chickens anymore. Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I have great respect for you, but I don’t want to look the way women our age look. Like many GGs, I long for the hot, sexy young thing I used to be when I dressed up. I was never quite passable enough to fool anybody who was close to me in daylight, but with a little help from my imagination, I could be a huge turnon for the male part of myself. I don’t think even that would work for me anymore. The female me is not an old lady. So I doubt that I’ll return to CDing. And since my CDing was always a solitary thing, I also don’t know if I’ll want to meet up in person with any CDs, and if so, where that mght lead. I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea, although it’s scary, and it seems like it could complicate my life. I’m also not completely opposed to the possibility that I might find another woman to share my life with—probably without any CD involvement. But for now, I’m just in a wait-and-see and think-it-over pattern, and my showing up here and sharing the truth with you is part of that process.
Thank you for reading. And simply for being here.
I was a closet CD from so far back in my childhood that I don’t even remember when and how it started, up until my early thirties. For me, CDing was a sex act. It wasn’t that I felt like I was or wanted to be really a female, and it wasn’t just that I liked or felt more comfortable in female clothing. It involved sexual excitement, and as I moved through puberty, I started creating a female identity that was the kind of girl for whom I had a forbidden attraction. I was a girl who was not ashamed or shy about her sexuality and desires. It was like I became the kind of girl I wanted, and then acted in the highly sexual way I would want her to act—for my own pleasure. The male me was a shy kid, and I took care of my sexual needs through my solitary CD activities during most of my teens.
Eventually I came out of my shell enough to meet someone and fall in love and get married, but I continued CDing from time to time. When she discovered my stash of clothes and makeup, I couldn’t think of any way to lie myself out of it, so I told the truth. She was horrified, and her discovery led to the end of the marriage. I don’t blame her for this: I was not honest with her, and she didn’t sign up to share her life with both a man and an imaginary woman. Other than my first wife, nobody ever knew anything about my secret female identity.
Having lost a wife of more than ten years, I had to re-evaluate my life. I was a little more confident on the dating scene, and met a wonderful woman. But I sensed that the CD concept would not fly with her, so I decided not to do it anymore. Not to say that everybody could manage that, and I certainly wouldn’t condemn anyone who couldn’t. But for me, it worked. I was a little like an alcoholic who was able to get past his drinking. I found that it was possible to do without my drug. I still had some fantasies, but I didn’t carry through with them. I had a great life with my new wife, including a great sex life. Maybe part of what enabled me to do without CDing was that she was so excellent in that area.
Last year, after more than 27 wonderful years for us, she received a cancer diagnosis, and thank god, her struggle did not last long. She’s gone, and she never had a clue about my CD past. Time to re-evaluate my life again. I don’t know what’s ahead for me. My equipment still works pretty well, so I’m back to taking care of myself sexually on my own, without dressing up, but often with some vivid fantasies of the way I used to look and act when dressed up. At this age, I’m not eager to try to make another marriage work—I feel like it could only be a disappointment.
When I see the pictures of you girls on this site, I see a lot who, like me, are not exactly spring chickens anymore. Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I have great respect for you, but I don’t want to look the way women our age look. Like many GGs, I long for the hot, sexy young thing I used to be when I dressed up. I was never quite passable enough to fool anybody who was close to me in daylight, but with a little help from my imagination, I could be a huge turnon for the male part of myself. I don’t think even that would work for me anymore. The female me is not an old lady. So I doubt that I’ll return to CDing. And since my CDing was always a solitary thing, I also don’t know if I’ll want to meet up in person with any CDs, and if so, where that mght lead. I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea, although it’s scary, and it seems like it could complicate my life. I’m also not completely opposed to the possibility that I might find another woman to share my life with—probably without any CD involvement. But for now, I’m just in a wait-and-see and think-it-over pattern, and my showing up here and sharing the truth with you is part of that process.
Thank you for reading. And simply for being here.